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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed with SILs decision re new baby.

885 replies

ankara · 26/12/2023 09:02

Respecting that all parents are quite within their rights to determine interaction between others and their babies, I am very disappointed and a bit 🙄 at SILs decision to put up a big sign at baby's cradle saying no touching , no lifting, no kissing.
There are no medical reasons for this. Baby is three weeks old.
None of the family have been allowed to do the above unless baby has been handed to family to give a bottle or r change baby.
I understand; that this is their first and is of course most precious but we are all a bit Confused and also disappointed as we love babies and we're so looking forward to cuddles .
Brother just goes along with her.
Is this a new thing? My kids are nearly teens now and I've not seen this before .

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
CatMadam · 27/12/2023 06:33

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 27/12/2023 04:50

Ridiculous!! Most people I know actually hand their babies over to other people to cuddle - I'm not aware that any harm has come to any of them. I really don't know what is wrong with some young mothers.

Theres a comment on this page talking about a newborn in her family dying after catching a virus. After living through Covid, I wouldn’t have thought it’d take a genius to realise why ‘some young mothers’ might be more cautious with little babies.

s4usagefingers · 27/12/2023 06:52

Having an actual physical sign seems really odd but honestly I wish I was more ballsy about telling people no. People are generally totally unaware and ignorant to a new babies needs and somehow become totally selfish and think they know best. I’ve had to watch my baby scream and cry while somebody thinks they can soothe him (they can’t).

IAmAnIdiot123 · 27/12/2023 06:55

At 3 weeks old I didn't overly love my babies being held my lots of different people. Once they had their vaccines I was pretty chilled about it. I probably wouldn't be putting a sign above their cot but then I don't know anyone who I would need a sign for. Everyone in my life asks before picking up my baby and they all ask my older son if they can have a cuddle, no one just grabs him for tries to force him into physical contact he doesn't want.

phoenixrosehere · 27/12/2023 07:33

CatMadam · 27/12/2023 06:33

Theres a comment on this page talking about a newborn in her family dying after catching a virus. After living through Covid, I wouldn’t have thought it’d take a genius to realise why ‘some young mothers’ might be more cautious with little babies.

Show quote history

Exactly and with the several illnesses going about who can blame any parent other than those who seem to choose not to understand the risk.

There was a recommendation for rsv vaccines in June this year and an approval for some groups just last month.

Katypp · 27/12/2023 09:25

As an aside, I do roll my eyes at the assumption that no-one knows what to do with a newborn except the mother with, in this case, three weeks experience!
Obviously she will be more familiar with her baby than anyone else, but to state that everyone is unaware and ignorant of a new baby's needs is a stretch in a family situation.
When mine were that age I was still leaning very much on my mum for help and advice but this doesn't seem to happen much these days and the new mum is regarded as an expert from day one, thanks in no small part to social media.
This modern ohenomena that a new mum must be treated like a princess and Must Not Be Upset (you can see it on this thread) and pretty silly situations are not questioned as they should be.
I think sites like mumsnet have a lot to answer for, as regardless how crazy someone is being, there will always be people to back them up. In real life, you have to find ways to rub along together, but now you can be as rude and unreasonable as you want and your clique will always support you 'making a stand'.
I am not sue this is progress really.

Katypp · 27/12/2023 09:38

mrsmacmc · 27/12/2023 01:26

It's not a game of pass the parcel with wee ones especially newborns. DH family are very much in the pass baby around and trawl them out everywhere. We did have a similar plaque when DD was born and also asked people to wash their hands before holding her. Wait to be offered and don't lift baby from their cot or try and take them from mums arms!

I think it's the superior air evident in this response that sort of proves the point to me.
As if the poster is the only one to have ever had a baby, her relatives' experience and knowledge counts for nothing and also the smug assumption that everyone will be so desperate to greet her new Prince/Princess.they will forget themselves and she will have to act as the gatekeeper. It's breathtakingly rude and entitled but apparently having a baby gives you the right to behave like this. Madness

RandomButtons · 27/12/2023 09:58

ankara · 26/12/2023 21:32

There's no other background .A much longed for baby for her .She was told she couldnt have kids because of endometriosis . He was happy not to have kids and never intended on having any .
Baby was a big surprise to both who have been together ten years. Baby is adored and welcomed by both.
She always has a vague health complaint. Pregnancy uneventful with no medical issues bar being signed off work due to tiredness at twenty weeks. But that's according to them. I don't know the truth really. Perhaps there are major health issues at stake here also that they keep private.

You really don’t like her do you? Get over yourself. It’s not about you.

Justforxmas2023 · 27/12/2023 10:11

Katypp · 27/12/2023 09:25

As an aside, I do roll my eyes at the assumption that no-one knows what to do with a newborn except the mother with, in this case, three weeks experience!
Obviously she will be more familiar with her baby than anyone else, but to state that everyone is unaware and ignorant of a new baby's needs is a stretch in a family situation.
When mine were that age I was still leaning very much on my mum for help and advice but this doesn't seem to happen much these days and the new mum is regarded as an expert from day one, thanks in no small part to social media.
This modern ohenomena that a new mum must be treated like a princess and Must Not Be Upset (you can see it on this thread) and pretty silly situations are not questioned as they should be.
I think sites like mumsnet have a lot to answer for, as regardless how crazy someone is being, there will always be people to back them up. In real life, you have to find ways to rub along together, but now you can be as rude and unreasonable as you want and your clique will always support you 'making a stand'.
I am not sue this is progress really.

I think what I’ve noticed on this thread is some people jumping straight to ‘crazy mum’, ‘mums these days are so entitled’, ‘this mum is on a power trip’, ‘mums are way too cautious these days - in our day babies were able to weather any virus - everyone needs to get a grip!’.

These people are frankly lacking in compassion, kindness and understanding to new mums who are finding their feet. It is (speaking from very recent experience) an extremely difficult and vulnerable time for a woman - hormones are all over the place, you get 2-3 hours of sleep at a time, you may be trying to establish breast feeding, you’re either recovering from a vaginal birth or c section and any complications from those, you’re getting to know your new baby etc etc.

I think there must be some kind middle ground where the needs of the mother and baby can be prioritised while gently pointing out where things may not be quite right/raising concerns re PPD if this is relevant.

I think ramming down a new mums throat that she’s crazy and behaving like a princess is neither helpful nor kind. I can’t think of a reason people feel the need to do this other than they are feeling very bitter about something they have experienced and are triggered by this post. Unless I’m missing something constructive about new mums being called all of the above?

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/12/2023 10:15

Perfectlove · 27/12/2023 00:53

For the past 3 or 4 years it us impressed upon you from medical staff thst for a babys safety from infection they should be handled mainly by their parents, only to kiss on forehead if necessary. I thought this would be comon knowledge? Not just newborn until they are at least 6 months old.

This wasn't the advice I received when my DS was born last December. I formula fed from birth and the only thing I was told was to keep it to mum and dad feeding for the first few weeks.

Nothing at all about only us 'handling' him.

s4usagefingers · 27/12/2023 10:18

Katypp · 27/12/2023 09:25

As an aside, I do roll my eyes at the assumption that no-one knows what to do with a newborn except the mother with, in this case, three weeks experience!
Obviously she will be more familiar with her baby than anyone else, but to state that everyone is unaware and ignorant of a new baby's needs is a stretch in a family situation.
When mine were that age I was still leaning very much on my mum for help and advice but this doesn't seem to happen much these days and the new mum is regarded as an expert from day one, thanks in no small part to social media.
This modern ohenomena that a new mum must be treated like a princess and Must Not Be Upset (you can see it on this thread) and pretty silly situations are not questioned as they should be.
I think sites like mumsnet have a lot to answer for, as regardless how crazy someone is being, there will always be people to back them up. In real life, you have to find ways to rub along together, but now you can be as rude and unreasonable as you want and your clique will always support you 'making a stand'.
I am not sue this is progress really.

At least in my experience it has been. It always follows the same pattern because people wave and dangle toys in front of the baby’s face when he gets upset and it’s usually because he’s tired. But they then wave and dangle even more to try and make him happy. Then I suggest maybe try and cuddle him, he is just a bit tired. And they don’t. So he cries more. This goes on and on until baby starts screaming and everyone starts to get uncomfortable. Then I take the baby but it’s already too late at that point. The ones who listen and calm down and cuddle him then they can soothe him usually. So yes mam does know best because she can read the baby before other people can.

s4usagefingers · 27/12/2023 10:24

Justforxmas2023 · 27/12/2023 10:11

I think what I’ve noticed on this thread is some people jumping straight to ‘crazy mum’, ‘mums these days are so entitled’, ‘this mum is on a power trip’, ‘mums are way too cautious these days - in our day babies were able to weather any virus - everyone needs to get a grip!’.

These people are frankly lacking in compassion, kindness and understanding to new mums who are finding their feet. It is (speaking from very recent experience) an extremely difficult and vulnerable time for a woman - hormones are all over the place, you get 2-3 hours of sleep at a time, you may be trying to establish breast feeding, you’re either recovering from a vaginal birth or c section and any complications from those, you’re getting to know your new baby etc etc.

I think there must be some kind middle ground where the needs of the mother and baby can be prioritised while gently pointing out where things may not be quite right/raising concerns re PPD if this is relevant.

I think ramming down a new mums throat that she’s crazy and behaving like a princess is neither helpful nor kind. I can’t think of a reason people feel the need to do this other than they are feeling very bitter about something they have experienced and are triggered by this post. Unless I’m missing something constructive about new mums being called all of the above?

Show quote history

Thank you for this post. I’m a bit of a tough nut usually but got called “precious” by someone when I’d just given birth 3 days previously. I’d not slept for days and was trying to establish feeding and all the other things that come with it. The person in question wanted to take the baby out for a walk.

Katypp · 27/12/2023 10:38

s4usagefingers · 27/12/2023 10:24

Thank you for this post. I’m a bit of a tough nut usually but got called “precious” by someone when I’d just given birth 3 days previously. I’d not slept for days and was trying to establish feeding and all the other things that come with it. The person in question wanted to take the baby out for a walk.

Show quote history

And? The person in question was trying to help! I really don't understand this martyrdom where on one had you want everyone to acknowledge you are struggling but on the other hand, you push away people trying to help.

Justforxmas2023 · 27/12/2023 10:42

s4usagefingers · 27/12/2023 10:24

Thank you for this post. I’m a bit of a tough nut usually but got called “precious” by someone when I’d just given birth 3 days previously. I’d not slept for days and was trying to establish feeding and all the other things that come with it. The person in question wanted to take the baby out for a walk.

Show quote history

Exactly - kicking new mums when they are down is just so cruel and unnecessary! I’m sorry that happened to you xx

Justforxmas2023 · 27/12/2023 10:49

Katypp · 27/12/2023 10:38

And? The person in question was trying to help! I really don't understand this martyrdom where on one had you want everyone to acknowledge you are struggling but on the other hand, you push away people trying to help.

Show quote history

I don’t understand this wanting to help but also calling someone precious when they are 3 days postpartum! Seems an odd way to go about ‘helping’ to me!
if you’ve had a 3 day old baby recently you’ll remember what is really needed is help with stuff around the house/meals. Not taking the baby away from the mother if this isn’t what mum wants (seems totally normal to not want this to me - they have literally had the baby living inside them 3 days ago- why on earth would you want your tiny baby taken out of your sight and out of the building? Some people don’t even leave the house until a week at least- maybe she hadn’t even taken the baby out herself and wanted to be the first to do this? Any number of very understandable reasons why mum didn’t want it)

Offer for a walk was probably coming from a nice place but mum shouldn’t be called precious if that’s not what she wants!

Yes babies are cute and people want cuddles and this can happen too (I’m definitely not saying people should come over and do housework and not meet or interact or cuddle baby) but no need to call someone precious if they don’t want to do exactly what you think is the right thing!

DewHopper · 27/12/2023 11:11

ankara · 26/12/2023 21:32

There's no other background .A much longed for baby for her .She was told she couldnt have kids because of endometriosis . He was happy not to have kids and never intended on having any .
Baby was a big surprise to both who have been together ten years. Baby is adored and welcomed by both.
She always has a vague health complaint. Pregnancy uneventful with no medical issues bar being signed off work due to tiredness at twenty weeks. But that's according to them. I don't know the truth really. Perhaps there are major health issues at stake here also that they keep private.

Give it up now OP. You cannot stand her that much is clear and the nasty updates make me think you are like a dog with a bone. Envy perhaps? Whatever it is, just bloody stop it now.

DewHopper · 27/12/2023 11:12

Ingibjörg · 26/12/2023 23:02

We lost a baby in our family at 3 weeks old. Having been passed round everyone at Christmas in the way people think of as the normal way. Sadly he caught one of the winter bugs someone had, and was too young to fight it off. When I came to have my own babies, I therefore did not allow the passing around, and grandparents couldn’t cuddle if had so much as a cold. Certainly no kissing (cold sores are lethal). I know one side found me uptight (of course my side didn’t cause they felt the same). But better noses temporarily out of joint, than the unthinkable happening. It had no long term impact on bonding with DC and the wider family.

And you can say there are millions of babies passed round by all and sundry with no ill effects, but it just wasn’t a risk I could take given the family history.

I am so very sorry that this happened in your family - three weeks old, so tragic.

JudgeJ · 27/12/2023 11:24

I think sites like mumsnet have a lot to answer for, as regardless how crazy someone is being, there will always be people to back them up. In real life, you have to find ways to rub along together, but now you can be as rude and unreasonable as you want and your clique will always support you 'making a stand'.

As with the rest of this post, this is so true, MN seems to attract people who want to profess the superiority of the skills at being a parent which can be glorified and admired.

JudgeJ · 27/12/2023 11:27

Give it up now OP. You cannot stand her that much is clear and the nasty updates make me think you are like a dog with a bone. Envy perhaps? Whatever it is, just bloody stop it now.

OP, you've really upset the sisterhood of superiority! I would assume once supermum needs some help you'll be at the back of the queue, let her continue to muddle along doing it 'her way'. By the way, it's not 'her' baby, it's 'their' baby'.

Justforxmas2023 · 27/12/2023 11:35

JudgeJ · 27/12/2023 11:27

Give it up now OP. You cannot stand her that much is clear and the nasty updates make me think you are like a dog with a bone. Envy perhaps? Whatever it is, just bloody stop it now.

OP, you've really upset the sisterhood of superiority! I would assume once supermum needs some help you'll be at the back of the queue, let her continue to muddle along doing it 'her way'. By the way, it's not 'her' baby, it's 'their' baby'.

Genuinely interested where this conclusion that this mum is feeling superior has come from?
what is it about her trying to keep her newborn baby safe (yes possibly gone a bit overboard with the sign but she’s a new mum…) that makes you think she is professing the superiority of her parenting skills?
OP has already said she is not seeing baby for several months now so no she isn’t going to be top of the list to ask for help as she clearly doesn’t have a close relationship!

Igotagoodcard · 27/12/2023 11:40

Someone gave my new baby the herpes virus and it’s been a nightmare over the years… with hindsight I might do the same!

Calliopespa · 27/12/2023 12:05

JudgeJ · 27/12/2023 11:24

I think sites like mumsnet have a lot to answer for, as regardless how crazy someone is being, there will always be people to back them up. In real life, you have to find ways to rub along together, but now you can be as rude and unreasonable as you want and your clique will always support you 'making a stand'.

As with the rest of this post, this is so true, MN seems to attract people who want to profess the superiority of the skills at being a parent which can be glorified and admired.

I’m not sure that’s entirely fair. Indeed some of us have actually said leave her be she’s finding her way and has all the natural anxiety many of us went through when we were muddling through it. I even made fun of my candlelit baths ( for the first only … obviously).

rwalker · 27/12/2023 12:14

I don’t think anyone has an issue with the fact she doesn’t want the baby picking up

but there are better ways of doing

I just feel it a bit abrupt would make me feel unwelcome

Katypp · 27/12/2023 13:44

rwalker · 27/12/2023 12:14

I don’t think anyone has an issue with the fact she doesn’t want the baby picking up

but there are better ways of doing

I just feel it a bit abrupt would make me feel unwelcome

Exactly, it's very passive aggressive and unwelcoming. But new mum = free pass to be as pass agg as they want because new mother.

Thementalloadisreal · 27/12/2023 13:51

Seems like she probably has some overbearing family members who will ignore her when she says “please leave the baby in the crib he’s fine” “he’s tired don’t pick him up” etc and has resorted to a sign!
I don’t think it’s precious or princess like to want your baby to be held or not held, it’s literally their baby they can do or not do whatever they’re comfortable with. Overbearing family members insisting they know best are infuriating. It isn’t “helping” if it’s not actually helpful to mum / baby! It’s interfering!

Katypp · 27/12/2023 14:01

Have we actually established the family members are selfish and overbearing types who will snatch, grab, sweep or swoop on the baby?
Or are we assuming - as usual - that the only person who knows how to behave is the saintly mother and everyone else hasn't got a clue?