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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed with SILs decision re new baby.

885 replies

ankara · 26/12/2023 09:02

Respecting that all parents are quite within their rights to determine interaction between others and their babies, I am very disappointed and a bit 🙄 at SILs decision to put up a big sign at baby's cradle saying no touching , no lifting, no kissing.
There are no medical reasons for this. Baby is three weeks old.
None of the family have been allowed to do the above unless baby has been handed to family to give a bottle or r change baby.
I understand; that this is their first and is of course most precious but we are all a bit Confused and also disappointed as we love babies and we're so looking forward to cuddles .
Brother just goes along with her.
Is this a new thing? My kids are nearly teens now and I've not seen this before .

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
WonderingAboutThus · 26/12/2023 21:23

Her choice, but I certainly wouldn't be all that interested in the child afterwards then either (not out of spite, I just... wouldn't care all that much anymore). It's prioritising a sterile environment over bonding. Which, again, as OP acknowledged, is the mum's choice. But that would the result be for me.

Original poster
ankara · 26/12/2023 21:24

I don't agree@Sirzy .
If you read many replies, you are incorrect on that.

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 26/12/2023 21:24

It’s amazing the number of people who would jump at being offended rather than having any concern about their relative’s level of fear.

Calliopespa · 26/12/2023 21:26

ankara · 26/12/2023 21:13

From reading all posts and my brother providing daily updates in his wife's pregnancy , I do not believe that she is overly anxious but do understand that it is their first . I Did find that sign very odd however. It doesn't make sense to me .

She doesn't want baby lifted etc unless it needs to be fed or changed , then anyone available if her husband is not, is allowed. Perhaps this this is her health visitors advice but from the moment the pregnancy was announced , this baby and pregnancy was surrounded by drama, when there actually was no medical reason for that according to herself. She was having a caesarean from the word go. The reason being she was too slim to deliver baby naturally but I don t know anything about that.

Now That they are with my mum and
All the family, the germs and anxiety argument goes out the window . The place is full of school going
Kids and working adults , some
Who work in health settings .

They have their own home. Brother is home all the time. I must be old fashioned or behind the times . It makes no sense to me .
Unless it's just general support, which is totally understandable.

Well the “too slim for birth “ argument starts to put a different gloss on it all. If anything c section is often used for obesity. And it is interesting to hear about drama from the outset. But I think that’s why we were wondering ( and some of us asked) if there was any other background regarding her behaviour. The sign admittedly was an “unusual” approach but if that was the only trigger for this post I’m not sure she’s steeped that far out of line.

Mexicola · 26/12/2023 21:28

Although it’s her child, her choice (and a sign seems over the top) I’m a great believer in babies like all the love and comfort and emotional warmth they can.

i wouldn’t like someone lifting my sleeping baby out of a cot I’m with her there, but if they’re awake or fall asleep in arms etc then I really enjoyed seeing everyone have snuggles.

Original poster
ankara · 26/12/2023 21:32

There's no other background .A much longed for baby for her .She was told she couldnt have kids because of endometriosis . He was happy not to have kids and never intended on having any .
Baby was a big surprise to both who have been together ten years. Baby is adored and welcomed by both.
She always has a vague health complaint. Pregnancy uneventful with no medical issues bar being signed off work due to tiredness at twenty weeks. But that's according to them. I don't know the truth really. Perhaps there are major health issues at stake here also that they keep private.

OP posts:
Birdh0use · 26/12/2023 21:34

Sounds like parents anxious and could do with emotional support not judgements . Don't touch baby but put kettle on and listen

Dinkydoo17 · 26/12/2023 21:36

Birdh0use · 26/12/2023 21:34

Sounds like parents anxious and could do with emotional support not judgements . Don't touch baby but put kettle on and listen

This 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 26/12/2023 21:41

ankara · 26/12/2023 21:32

There's no other background .A much longed for baby for her .She was told she couldnt have kids because of endometriosis . He was happy not to have kids and never intended on having any .
Baby was a big surprise to both who have been together ten years. Baby is adored and welcomed by both.
She always has a vague health complaint. Pregnancy uneventful with no medical issues bar being signed off work due to tiredness at twenty weeks. But that's according to them. I don't know the truth really. Perhaps there are major health issues at stake here also that they keep private.

So there is background of infertility, surprise baby and regular health issues…

And given the “according to them” attitude it wouldn’t be remotely surprising if they didn’t share detail with you. Wouldn’t want to give you more to judge and sneer at.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 26/12/2023 21:41

Sirzy · 26/12/2023 21:21

People have read your posts. They have read your lack of empathy and the amount of judgement. Many still agree you are being unreasonable.

Show quote history

I agree Sirzy. Complete lack of empathy coupled with gossiping on about a matter (and her sister in law's general health, birth experience and feeding regime) which doesn't affect the OP in the slightest.

Housebuyer37 · 26/12/2023 21:42

It's fucking nuts but then so is mumsnet when it comes to germs so people will probably agree with this nonsense.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 26/12/2023 21:45

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 26/12/2023 21:41

So there is background of infertility, surprise baby and regular health issues…

And given the “according to them” attitude it wouldn’t be remotely surprising if they didn’t share detail with you. Wouldn’t want to give you more to judge and sneer at.

Edited
Show quote history

The OP's dislike of her sister in law just shines through with every post.

"According to them"... what an unnecessary addition.

CatMadam · 26/12/2023 21:58

ankara · 26/12/2023 21:24

I don't agree@Sirzy .
If you read many replies, you are incorrect on that.

The posters who agree with you sound just as unpleasant and judgemental as you though

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 26/12/2023 22:03

Was the dc born in a hospital? Full of germs there. And <gasp >sil didn't have a sign to keep the mw's off...

JMSA · 26/12/2023 22:05

I think it's precious and weird, but it will be considered acceptable on Mumsnet.

Riverlee · 26/12/2023 22:31

Unless I’m missing something, even with the update, the sil is basically saying ‘please do not touch my baby unless my husband or myself are present’. What’s wrong with that? They haven’t said ‘no cuddles at all’, just ‘no cuddles unless we say you can.’

They’re setting boundaries, plus I have relationships and bonds with all my nephews and nieces, even though they’re spread all across the UK, and I hardly saw them as babies.

Nttttt · 26/12/2023 22:50

OP @ankara Maybe SIL only put this sign up for certain people knowing they struggle to maintain boundaries… Maybe she feels more comfortable at your Mums without said people there.

Ingibjörg · 26/12/2023 23:02

We lost a baby in our family at 3 weeks old. Having been passed round everyone at Christmas in the way people think of as the normal way. Sadly he caught one of the winter bugs someone had, and was too young to fight it off. When I came to have my own babies, I therefore did not allow the passing around, and grandparents couldn’t cuddle if had so much as a cold. Certainly no kissing (cold sores are lethal). I know one side found me uptight (of course my side didn’t cause they felt the same). But better noses temporarily out of joint, than the unthinkable happening. It had no long term impact on bonding with DC and the wider family.

And you can say there are millions of babies passed round by all and sundry with no ill effects, but it just wasn’t a risk I could take given the family history.

RandomButtons · 26/12/2023 23:23

ankara · 26/12/2023 21:19

This thread is about no touching, no lifting , no kissing sign on a cradle . No contact, unless husband is not available and then it's anyone who is free. Please re read opening post, and subsequent updates .

Quite simply her circus her monkeys.

Have a bit more empathy and medical respect.

WhatTheFuk · 27/12/2023 00:41

"Newborn babies are very robust. They have great immune systems as antibodies are passed to them via the placenta (plus breast milk). Newborns need lots of germs to continue to strengthen their immune system- this is very important. Lack of exposure to germs results in a hypersensitive immune system- asthma, exczema, hay fever etc"

This is absolute tosh. Dangerous and idiotic.

Perfectlove · 27/12/2023 00:53

For the past 3 or 4 years it us impressed upon you from medical staff thst for a babys safety from infection they should be handled mainly by their parents, only to kiss on forehead if necessary. I thought this would be comon knowledge? Not just newborn until they are at least 6 months old.

mrsmacmc · 27/12/2023 01:26

It's not a game of pass the parcel with wee ones especially newborns. DH family are very much in the pass baby around and trawl them out everywhere. We did have a similar plaque when DD was born and also asked people to wash their hands before holding her. Wait to be offered and don't lift baby from their cot or try and take them from mums arms!

GodspeedJune · 27/12/2023 02:08

My DD caught covid at 2 months old and it was awful. When I called my GP for a prescription of nurofen for her (she was too young for it to be sold OTC!) he apologised that it had happened to her/ us! He didn’t applaud us for testing her immune system like some posters would have you believe.

I hated her being passed around for cuddles when tiny, it was a visceral reaction and I wish I’d said no. It was distinctly upsetting when she was passed to one person and then passed on over and over. Or the people who wouldn’t hand her back when she cried or was rooting for food.

Don’t make a new Mum have to navigate these situations. Just be laid back and let her take the lead. She’ll remember who was difficult and who was supportive during the early weeks.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 27/12/2023 04:50

Ridiculous!! Most people I know actually hand their babies over to other people to cuddle - I'm not aware that any harm has come to any of them. I really don't know what is wrong with some young mothers.

Diamondcurtains · 27/12/2023 05:21

Yes it seems to be a new thing and totally ridiculous. My kids are adults and teens too. I can’t even imagine not letting my family and friends hold my babies when they were born.