Page 19 | To be disappointed with SILs decision re new baby.

ankara · 2023-12-26T09:02:21+00:00

Respecting that all parents are quite within their rights to determine interaction between others and their babies, I am very disappointed and a bit 🙄 at SILs decision to put up a big sign at baby's cradle saying no touching , no lifting, no kissing. There are no medical reasons for this. Baby is three weeks old. None of the family have been allowed to do the above unless baby has been handed to family to give a bottle or r change baby. I understand; that this is their first and is of course most precious but we are all a bit [confused] and also disappointed as we love babies and we're so looking forward to cuddles . Brother just goes along with her. Is this a new thing? My kids are nearly teens now and I've not seen this before .

Original poster

ankara · 26/12/2023 16:13

Just catching up on posts having been at a family dinner. So many interesting posts.
I cannot remember posters name but it s my brother who goes with the flow. My SIL is a lot more chatty, outspoken and opinionated than he although when he announced that ' we have decided to breast feed exclusively' followed by' we have decided no t to breastfeed exclusively as we're not happy with level of support offered' my dear mother took him aside and politely told him to stop being a dick. That it was his wife who would be doing the breast feeding or not as the case ended up and he sounded like a twat.
The end up Of this AIBU is that brother , his wife and new baby have moved lock , stock and barrel to my mothers fr support today ... Fourteen adults and kids staying at the moment so the big sign will come in helpful , indeed.

OP posts:

Legendairy · 26/12/2023 16:25

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 26/12/2023 09:10

Well done to your SIL for making a stand.

What against relatives having a cuddle with the baby FFS 🙄

Obv people shouldn't be just picking baby up and should ask but I just cannot imagine not allowing people to have newborn cuddles (unless they are ill or have just been smoking)

Putting a sign up is embarrassingly ridiculous

DewHopper · 26/12/2023 16:28

ankara · 26/12/2023 16:13

Just catching up on posts having been at a family dinner. So many interesting posts.
I cannot remember posters name but it s my brother who goes with the flow. My SIL is a lot more chatty, outspoken and opinionated than he although when he announced that ' we have decided to breast feed exclusively' followed by' we have decided no t to breastfeed exclusively as we're not happy with level of support offered' my dear mother took him aside and politely told him to stop being a dick. That it was his wife who would be doing the breast feeding or not as the case ended up and he sounded like a twat.
The end up Of this AIBU is that brother , his wife and new baby have moved lock , stock and barrel to my mothers fr support today ... Fourteen adults and kids staying at the moment so the big sign will come in helpful , indeed.

You really don't like either of these people do you? How about you let them be and crack on with your own Christmas?

bigyellowmoxi · 26/12/2023 16:37

ankara · 26/12/2023 16:13

Just catching up on posts having been at a family dinner. So many interesting posts.
I cannot remember posters name but it s my brother who goes with the flow. My SIL is a lot more chatty, outspoken and opinionated than he although when he announced that ' we have decided to breast feed exclusively' followed by' we have decided no t to breastfeed exclusively as we're not happy with level of support offered' my dear mother took him aside and politely told him to stop being a dick. That it was his wife who would be doing the breast feeding or not as the case ended up and he sounded like a twat.
The end up Of this AIBU is that brother , his wife and new baby have moved lock , stock and barrel to my mothers fr support today ... Fourteen adults and kids staying at the moment so the big sign will come in helpful , indeed.

I agree with @DewHopper that the resentment and disdain for them is so obvious from the way you post.
It feels like you can't wait for them to fuck up.

Just let them adjust to being parents ffs, it's only been a few weeks.

CHRIS003 · 26/12/2023 16:51

ankara · 26/12/2023 10:17

I'm reading all replies with interest and what's jumping out at me is the difference between attitudes, generally 15 years ago for example... and now.
When discussing uncomplicated and relatively straightforward pregnancies , tiredness and lack of enerygy for many if not all of us was a thing esp in the first and last trimester. Support as minimal. We were just expected to get on with it and we did so continued working and were bloody exhausted. Wai to Ed until last minute for maternity leave, cooked the dates etc so as to have lots of time on the other side .
CS were emergency unless elective for genuinely serious reasons and in my world were rare.
Things have changed so much. I expect it is because the world is busier.
I know from a midwife friend that CS has become more common in her part of the world due to obesity and private ob/gynaes.
But in my own family, children 👦 f friends, especially younger colleagues circle, So many expectant mums are signing off at 20/24 weeks with tiredness/ exhaustion etc. so many unable to go to work, shops, pick up their kids ir do anything that involves expending too much energy. They do not have complications, underlying medical issues, normally these women are fit and healthy pre pregnancy.
Then when baby is born, they are stressed , anxious , thinking their child has any number of diseases they r potential disease.
I wonder if it's a post Covid thing? I would love to hear opinions and observations from midwives and or Drs on this.

I think social media plays a part now too - influencers posting about their experiences - sometimes they post when they have a bad day maybe tired or feeling a bit tearful with new baby all completely normal things but young first time mums are perhaps getting too much negativity about pregnancy and birth.
The all post about their illnesses - their interventional birth experiences and their mental load and how they have no support - I think some first time mums who may otherwise sale through pregnancy and birth and the first 3 months after, take in too much negativity from influencers - This is not something that was as bad 15 years ago. Going back to early 2000's and 1990's most young mums still relied on the advice of their own mums and their midwives and health visitors, my sister is a midwife, she has been one for many years and now she says it is very different to the 1990's as mums question all the advice given - worry about the rarest of conditions in pregnancy and even question every aspect of routine monitoring thinking there is something wrong the baby, reading up on test results that they have no medical training on how to interpret.
On the other hand I have also saw a story recently about a minor celebrity who said she had a wonderful experience of birth and she was really enjoying life with new baby and partner and she was criticised for gloating and that she should have some consideration for women who didn't have a good experience!
What on earth was wrong with her saying everything was fine and she was happy ?

Dinkydoo17 · 26/12/2023 17:10

Her baby her rules. End of. I saw an article once where a new dad had kissed his new baby lots (totally natural to do so) with an active cold sore. Probably a one in a million chance but newborn got the virus and it overtook her poor little body and she died. Devastating. You don't have to understand you SILs reasons. Maybe she's scared. Maybe she's overprotective. Just be kind and understanding despite your disappointment.

NoraBattysCurlers · 26/12/2023 17:30

CHRIS003 · 26/12/2023 16:51

I think social media plays a part now too - influencers posting about their experiences - sometimes they post when they have a bad day maybe tired or feeling a bit tearful with new baby all completely normal things but young first time mums are perhaps getting too much negativity about pregnancy and birth.
The all post about their illnesses - their interventional birth experiences and their mental load and how they have no support - I think some first time mums who may otherwise sale through pregnancy and birth and the first 3 months after, take in too much negativity from influencers - This is not something that was as bad 15 years ago. Going back to early 2000's and 1990's most young mums still relied on the advice of their own mums and their midwives and health visitors, my sister is a midwife, she has been one for many years and now she says it is very different to the 1990's as mums question all the advice given - worry about the rarest of conditions in pregnancy and even question every aspect of routine monitoring thinking there is something wrong the baby, reading up on test results that they have no medical training on how to interpret.
On the other hand I have also saw a story recently about a minor celebrity who said she had a wonderful experience of birth and she was really enjoying life with new baby and partner and she was criticised for gloating and that she should have some consideration for women who didn't have a good experience!
What on earth was wrong with her saying everything was fine and she was happy ?

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Infant mortality in 1990 was over twice what it is now.

Most deaths during childhood occur during the first year of life, particularly the first month of life (the neonatal period). Neonatal mortality accounts for between 70% and 80% of infant deaths.

Do we really want to go back to practices which lead to twice as many babies dying?

thecatsthecats · 26/12/2023 17:56

festivepains · 26/12/2023 09:16

Again don't care. Respect mums decisions it will go a long way to helping her into mumhood and build a much better relationship for you going forward.

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I agree. Respecting my boundaries helps me build my confidence in my own time, not by people playing with the baby like some kind of toy.

My little boy was unsettled and I had mastitis due to his low appetite after his jabs. I asked my MIL to give him back when he was clearly wriggling to come back to me for a feed, which I needed to give him to clear the infection.

She put on a baby voice and said, "it's ok mummy, I'm happy over here".

Stupid cow. Handed him back wailing and too agitated to latch.

CatMadam · 26/12/2023 18:03

ankara · 26/12/2023 16:13

Just catching up on posts having been at a family dinner. So many interesting posts.
I cannot remember posters name but it s my brother who goes with the flow. My SIL is a lot more chatty, outspoken and opinionated than he although when he announced that ' we have decided to breast feed exclusively' followed by' we have decided no t to breastfeed exclusively as we're not happy with level of support offered' my dear mother took him aside and politely told him to stop being a dick. That it was his wife who would be doing the breast feeding or not as the case ended up and he sounded like a twat.
The end up Of this AIBU is that brother , his wife and new baby have moved lock , stock and barrel to my mothers fr support today ... Fourteen adults and kids staying at the moment so the big sign will come in helpful , indeed.

I can definitely see why she thought the sign was necessary- your disdain for her and her boundaries are crystal clear from your posts!

Calliopespa · 26/12/2023 18:09

bigyellowmoxi · 26/12/2023 16:37

I agree with @DewHopper that the resentment and disdain for them is so obvious from the way you post.
It feels like you can't wait for them to fuck up.

Just let them adjust to being parents ffs, it's only been a few weeks.

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Yeah I’m not sure why they have caused such resentment. They are clearly finding their way. I was a little more cautious with my first. We all have to start somewhere. Some things I did were, in hindsight, unnecessary and, with more children, unsustainable ( anyone with more than one baby out there doing bath time by candlelight to keep baby chilled and loving life? Thought not!) . But trying not to let lots of people handle a newborn is a lot more down to earth and useful than my candlelight baths were. And I really don’t see what’s wrong with DB saying “ we are breastfeeding”? Because he doesn’t have breasts? Didn’t he mean the decision around it not the actual latching on? The sign I can see was a bit odd. The baby must have looked like a museum exhibit or a zoo animal: please do not feed the animals or put fingers in the cage. But she is clearly feeling over protective. I’m not sure if this resentment runs deeper than this incident?

RaspberriesUpside · 26/12/2023 18:10

I never want to pick up someone’s baby. But the sign is ott. You can advise against kisses but the rest is a bit crazy. But then again my kids are 20-ish and I feel like the world of new parenthood is very different now.

ToWhitToWhoo · 26/12/2023 18:21

Angelsrose · 26/12/2023 15:25

@irisgg7 there's no backtracking as I have not been in this situation. I am not currently in this situation. Commenting that some may be unwilling to participate in future babysitting is not evil or nasty. It's simply a possibility to be considered. You have to accept in life that others will think differently to you and you can't control that.

Nobody is OBLIGED to participate in babysitting; and people have a right to refuse for virtually any reason. However, to refuse to do so because the parent didn't obey your request for 'baby cuddles' when the child was a newborn sounds pretty mean-spirited. Though the child is probably better off not being minded by people with that sort of attitude.

Meowandthen · 26/12/2023 19:01

Angelsrose · 26/12/2023 12:47

@Meowandthen I think it is simply the risk that this new mother is taking. It is alright for everyone to do what they think is best as I already said. However one cannot expect to have everything just as they would like it, it's not real life nor is it realistic. If you don't want people to ever hold your baby then those same people may not feel particularly bonded to the child and may feel uncomfortable having contact with the child or babysitting in the future. I'm not sure what's difficult for you to understand about that.

This child won’t be a new born forever. I’m not sure what’s difficult for you to understand about that?

Meowandthen · 26/12/2023 19:03

ToWhitToWhoo · 26/12/2023 18:21

Nobody is OBLIGED to participate in babysitting; and people have a right to refuse for virtually any reason. However, to refuse to do so because the parent didn't obey your request for 'baby cuddles' when the child was a newborn sounds pretty mean-spirited. Though the child is probably better off not being minded by people with that sort of attitude.

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Exactly.

add in the poster’s odd claim that you can’t bond with a child if you don’t hold it as a baby and I’d be keeping my kids well away.

MondayBags678 · 26/12/2023 19:33

Wish people didn’t think babies were like toys
what’s important for the baby is the bonding with their parents/carers and not being passed about and having chances of catching nasty virus that can be so severe in such young infants. Especially this time of year! I think the signs a bit much, but the reason behind it is valid and reasonable

letstrythatagain · 26/12/2023 19:36

Absolutely ridiculous! Some mothers think they are the first person to ever give birth and have a child. Your SIL needs to get a grip.

PeloMom · 26/12/2023 19:38

It’s ok to be disappointed but she’s doing the right thing for her baby. The baby is very young and with all the nasty viruses floating around why take a chance?
yes, babies have been passed around for ages but that doesn’t make it ok. Many babies also ended up in hospital or worse after being kissed by someone with a cold sore or getting an RSV

RandomButtons · 26/12/2023 19:46

pictoosh · 26/12/2023 09:09

See now, as far as I'm aware new babies have been passed around for inspection/cuddles since forever. Most seem to weather 'big germs' ok. I don't think they ARE that fragile are they?

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You’ve never had your baby intubated because of the common cold I take it? I have.

Strapping chubby healthy 4 month old DS was in ICU for 4 nights with RSV which to everyone else is a common cold. Paediatric wards are blocked full every year with sick babies with bronchiolitus. Dread to think what it’d do to a premie newborn.

LumiB · 26/12/2023 19:46

God how hard it must be having your first child. Noone is ready for it. I saw it with my sister because with her second she is more relaxed, been there done it knows what to expect etc. I cant imagine telling a woman which their first child dealing with a the hormones etc that she is being unreasonable about not letting other people hold her child. Thats like a red flag to a bull

Dinkydoo17 · 26/12/2023 19:47

letstrythatagain · 26/12/2023 19:36

Absolutely ridiculous! Some mothers think they are the first person to ever give birth and have a child. Your SIL needs to get a grip.

What an unkind response

letstrythatagain · 26/12/2023 19:49

@Dinkydoo17 no it isn't it's the truth.

Meowandthen · 26/12/2023 19:57

letstrythatagain · 26/12/2023 19:49

@Dinkydoo17 no it isn't it's the truth.

You lack empathy. Her child, her choice.

Sirzy · 26/12/2023 20:00

When ds was 8 weeks old I couldn’t hold him for nearly 2 weeks because he contracted RSV. Before that point he was perfectly fit and healthy.

parents who make the decision not to have their baby passed around aren’t doing it to piss people off. They are doing it because they have decided it’s worth it to reduce risk

Dinkydoo17 · 26/12/2023 20:01

Poster is lacking empathy AND clinical knowledge to be fair @Meowandthen Hey ho.

shieldmaiden7 · 26/12/2023 20:01

My eldest is 18 my youngest is 11 weeks. I did this with all of mine. My babies aren't toys or their for peoples entertainment. I think since my 2 year fell so ill and ended up almost dying in hospital I'm even more fussy with who I have around my children.

I know it's disappointing but good for your SIL.