To be disappointed with SILs decision re new baby.

[ankara]

Respecting that all parents are quite within their rights to determine interaction between others and their babies, I am very disappointed and a bit 🙄 at SILs decision to put up a big sign at baby's cradle saying no touching , no lifting, no kissing.
There are no medical reasons for this. Baby is three weeks old.
None of the family have been allowed to do the above unless baby has been handed to family to give a bottle or r change baby.
I understand; that this is their first and is of course most precious but we are all a bit and also disappointed as we love babies and we're so looking forward to cuddles .
Brother just goes along with her.
Is this a new thing? My kids are nearly teens now and I've not seen this before .

I know these threads can be hard to follow, but the subject was other family members feeling pushed out and not as close to the family in years to come. And I think they may feel blindsided and rejected by that kind of rudeness. It may be that the parents feel a sign I'd warranted, but if you fo something like this, other people will have feelings. It's part of the deal.

SISL is right lol! Good on her for putting up the sign - I guess she did this so she doesn't have to repeat herself constantly. It is about a babies sleep routine - at 3 weeks old baby a formula fed baby will generally settle and sleep between feeds.
Mostly anyway ! What is difficult to understand! The baby sleeps - mum can rest or catch up on chores etc. Baby can be cuddled when she is due for a feed.
Visitors can fit in with this routine - it used to be a routine that mums have followed for generations - from strict routines in 1960's and 1970's right through to 1990's when mine were little- when things were a bit more flexible but still relatives respected mum& dad's routine - formula fed babies tend to sleep longer between feeds - a breast fed baby is more likely to be awake more frequently.

• so next time u visit ask mum when baby is likely to be awake so you can have cuddle.

Brother is happy to put his wife first ahead of his sister, who seems to think that new baby means she can claim 'her right' to cuddles and stamps her feet that its not fair because there are no medical issues.

Newsflash: it doesn't matter if there are or their aren't. You respect the decision of the PARENTS (plural) and you certainly don't create a narrative about the evil woman who has somehow brainwashed your brother (not sexist at all).

I have to say, your reaction that you have somehow deprived of your right to cuddle and won't get another opportunity for months really shows up why she might have felt the need to go as far as she did and make it so you couldn't possibly be mistaken / argue back.

You sound like you need boundaries putting in very clearly.

'Precious firstborn syndrome'?

Are you aware of how unkind that sounds?

Yes I couldn’t possibly imagine why, in the height of RSV/Flu/Covid/Norovirus season that she wouldn’t want an endless parade of people passing her child round like pass the bloody parcel. Not to mention those who wear perfume and then hand your brand new baby back smelling like Chanel No.5 or whatever. Maybe the sign is a bit much but I would gather from that that there are relatives (probably you and some others OP) who couldn’t take a hint unless it was wrapped round their head. It’s her baby, go share your diseases with someone else’s newborn who doesn’t care if they end up hospitalised.

She can specify whatever she likes and people should respect that. However it is likely to have an effect on that person's relationship with the child in the future. I have a SIL a bit like this, I was so monitored when interacting with my niece and it was very prescriptive, that I never really formed a bond. I was always a bit worried about pissing her off or overstepping a boundary.
I contrast, I was encouraged by my other SIL to interact with my nephew and she trusted me to hold him (and was grateful as she was knackered) I have a wonderful bond with him now.
I was always very flexible with my kids and let people hold and kiss them. They have fantastic robust immune systems and have grown into confident, not anxious at all teenagers.
So I do think this behaviour sounds anxiety driven rather than anything else.

You’re entitled to think it’s nuts. You’re still not entitled to hold a baby when you feel like it. Your needs do not trump the needs of the mother and her baby.

I kind of agree with SIL although I think a quick briefing from your brother to the family would have been less awkward than a sign.

My DS was passed around a lot in his first few weeks and then developed (what we thought was) mumps. I was very hard on myself for not protecting him more, until 3 months later when it turned out to be a growth in his neck.

I would have loved a sign on the pushchair saying 'sorry can't stop', as both needed walking off for their naps. If I saw someone I knew and had to stop, they would wake straight up.

I'm aware what the subject was.
If they think not being given priority over the wellbeing of a newborn and the newborn's parents really is 'being pushed out' then perhaps they need to question if they're actually being a tad selfish. Visiting new parents should be to support them, help them, encourage them, admire the amazing new life, and possibly have a cuddle if offered.
^^

But she is happy to pass the baby around to be fed and changed by others …,weird 🙄

You don't feel the need to put up a sign like this, unless there is an extensive backstory over family members overstepping the mark and not accepting no for an answer.

The idea about this starting an issue where family are distanced as a result is very naive - the fracture in the relationship is already well seeded, and I would argue is liable to manifest at some point anyway - the sign is just a clue to there being a massive underlying problem thats not going away.

Nonsense! You do not need to cuddle a child as a baby to develop a bond.

I have nieces and nephews on other continents that I see very infrequently but still have great bonds with them. I great on great with friends’ children who I never met as babies,

Forming bonds and relationships nothing to do with baby cuddles.

🤣🤣🤣🤣 this is so funny and is super OTT. However, having come across a few posts where new mothers mothers complain about their In-laws (the complaints I've read are all against in-laws rather than any member of the family) touching, cuddling and/or kissing their baby, I wouldn't be surprised if your SIL has read these posts and come up with this daft idea.

It's a sad state of affairs when people start to put signs on a baby's cradle.

My advice to you OP is to bite your tongue, smile, and go along with it.
As life with a newborn starts to present the usual difficulties and SIL realises, there's a reason for why "it takes a village to raise a child," and she comes asking for babysitting help, please ensure you have your big sign ready on your door reading "NO BABYSITTING SERVICES".

I've never had the slightest desire to hold someone else's baby. Quite the opposite I find it really weird being offered a baby to hold and always refuse but from the responses on here we seem to be in a minority. Maybe the sign is necessary.

Fair play to the new mum, it's the virus season, the newborn hasn't been even vaccinated yet, I would respect what she wants for her own child. We didn't even allowed visits until after the first month.

The more comments I read here, the more I understand why the new mother has put up a sign.

Agreed.
There's some horrible entitlement out there.

in mumsnet world they agree with mum, in the real world people think she’s nuts and give her a year she will be asking for help from the people she banned cuddling her baby. Unless baby is premature or sick, cuddles are fine. As long as visitors are asked not to come in sick, wash hands and don’t kiss baby. She needs to chill a bit - people will be laughing at her sign for decades to come

The sign is totally overkill IMHO

But I do understand the sentiment of a new baby not being smothered in kisses- I think people shouldn't need this pointing out to them but of course they do!

Cuddles for a few minutes are fine.

At the end of the day, best to let the new mum (& partner to an extent) make these decisions.

It's an overwhelming time, hormones out of control and it's not easy to be reasonable about anything when you're sleep deprived!

I think some people think she had written the sign herself (she may well have done) but you can buy signs which say things like "STOP - please don't touch, I'm too little for big germs"

I had a few mums stop me when I had the sign on my sons car seat or pram to say they wish they had a sign like that when theirs were little.

I wish people would respect parents wishes, whatever they may be

What makes you think that lots of MN is completely different from the real world in every aspect? Don't many of us inhabit a real world too?

What mean spirited dreadful post.

My goodness that was an aggressive response. I realize PND won't solely be contributed to this but in my opinion the lack of socialisation and insulation that new mothers feel pressure to do nowadays DOES impact mental health. If family and friends aren't able to interact and are actively kept at arms length then you won't feel able to ask for support when you need it. I know DMs and MILs are seen as inferring busy bodies but the wisdom of older women is so underrated, they've raised children. I don't think anyone is saying they were going to stick unwashed fingers in the babys mouth were they?

I had a baby at Christmas time not so long ago and I understand the anxiety, I do, but this is not normal behaviour and is why I said at the end if they had asked if she was okay? And are you okay?

It is very common knowledge that any animal with young babies will be very territorial and you shouldn't approach let alone try and remove their baby.

Yes, there are many mothers who have no problem with handing over their newborns for cuddles - more power to them. But maybe some of us are just still a bit more primitive and animal-like - when mine were very tiny, especially my first born, it felt almost physically uncomfortable to have other people holding my baby. I absolutely hated it. I couldn't explain it or justify it adequately, it just felt very unpleasant and wrong. I very much still had that primitive maternal instinct.

Secondly, yes the sign is a bit much. But if there's ever a time to excuse daft behaviour, it's when the person in question is swimming in a sea of postpartum hormones!

You'll live without hugging someone else's baby. Just be there for the new family.

Her baby her choice as far as I see it. Things like RSV and coldsores are very real though and I've seen friends that have perfectly healthy babies end up with them hospitalised with RSV with breathing complications etc. Also we have more resistant strains of virus and bacteria now than previous. I think the boundaries around physical touch and consent are a lot more prevalent now which is a good thing. I absolutely hated as a child being told to give a relative a kiss that I didn't want to, it made me feel so uncomfortable so it's good people are setting boundaries from the off set