AIBU? Trying to unpick yesterday's upset

[DairyleaFunker]

For years, DH has been put out by my family (barring my parents who he loves) joining us for Xmas lunch (which DH makes). Over the years, the extra family member has included a rotation of siblings who have addiction problems or other issues and they would otherwise be alone at Christmas but usually only one person per year would be at a loose end.

I was brought up thinking 'the season of goodwill' means you don't willingly leave people alone at Christmas unless they want to be alone.

This year, my single brother - who can have everyone on eggshells as he can suddenly raise his voice and be very confrontational (but also can be very full of festive spirit, maybe due to a bipolar diagnosis?!) -was expected and he has come for several years without any major issues.

My niece (who is not DBs daughter) is recovering from coke addiction and recently fled a new relationship in December due to discovering a worryIng history of DV found herself homeless and put into emergency accommodation. During this challenging time she seems to have resisted going back to coke and has maintained her job and working with her ex and organisations to maintain shared care with her ex of their DS (3). Her and my brother teamed up for Xmas eve and morning and had a lovely time. The plan was that they would then come to mine for around 2 hours before lunch then at lunch the DS3 would be collected by its Dad and niece would go for a work shift.

On Xmas eve I heard from my brother that nieces shift had been changed to the evening and the DS3 was being collected after our lunch. Niece doesn't drive and lives half hour taxi away so I asked him to check what her plans were now that she had new time to fill - trying to be clear that she wasnt invited to mine for longer. We left it as he would ask her to let me know and I didn't hear from them again until they arrived on Xmas morning. As we were readying for lunch, my brother loudly asked me if my niece and her DS were staying for lunch, I said that the plan was that they were going just before lunch, to which my brother raised his voice a little and said 'I didn't ask you what the plan was, I asked if they were staying'. I told him he was putting me in an awkward position and I left the room wanting to run away and hide as felt torn - do I upset my husband by letting her stay? Do I kick her out on Xmas day knowing she has nowhere to go and will have to pay for a taxi home just to come back to the area later for work? Meanwhile niece staying quiet and maybe a bit socially unaware as seemed to think she could just plonk herself in my house for the day and didn't mention or ask about changing her plans and I didn't want to spell it out to her and make her feel unwelcome at a time she is trying hard to get her life on track. My brother had to take someone home so I called him to smooth things over before his return. We argued and I told him he had railroaded me into having more people for lunch than agreed, he said I had had time to accomodate her when he told me about her plans changing and I reminded him he had said he would tell her to let me know her new timings. I told him he had raised his voice at me on xmas day in my own house which is exactly why my husband wanted a quieter Christmas as more people creates more opportunity for arguments - he said he was going to his friends house instead. I text him as we sat down for lunch to say there was space for him if he changed his mind and no further discussion was needed as it's Christmas, he didnt reply or return.

Niece and her DS stayed for lunch then the DS was collected and niece was looking to contact another family member to go to their house for a nap before night shift but they gave an excuse that she couldn't (the rest of the family on her side are horrific and selfish so I feel responsible to show her some kindness and care) so I told her she could nap in my DC room as we wouldnt use upstairs until after the time she would leave and so she did that then went to work.

DH served lunch but didn't eat, chatted with my oblivious parents and says he would eat his later to relax and enjoy it, he's never done this before and he didn't eat a dinner at all yesterday even when everyone had gone.

I know he will blame me for not eating his lunch - no doubt because he 'didn't feel comfortable in his own home' and possibly because my niece was there (but out of sight and asleep for hours).

I just don't know what I could have done, I upset my DH and my brother and felt I was stuck between a rock and a hard place and I've ended up upsetting them both. In honesty, I don't mind a busy house full at Christmas and would have 20 people for dinner but DH says my family are too volatile and he doesn't want an awkward atmosphere. He bites his tongue a lot as doesn't want to make a scene in front of the kids in Xmas day.

Should be sleeping in but woke up at 6am as can't stop thinking about it all

You sound joyful 🙄

YOUR DH IS PISSED BECAUSE YOUR FAMILY TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU AND HIM OP.

That's all there is to this. You need to open your eyes. They walk all over you all the time.

There will be no equality until women stop veing wet blankets happily obliging to CF like brothers who raise their voice at them in her own house and tolerate orchestrated change of plans.
You might want to be compassionate to those who are not compassion towards you, like in op's situation, your perogative.
In my house, inlaws disrespecting my home and my husband would be simply not welcome again.

OP perhaps a way forward is a 'two yes one no' rule with guests.
So if you both want someone in your home - great, invite them. If either one of you is uncomfortable, you don't. The spouse who does want to see that person meets them at a cafe or something.
It doesn't sound like your DH is trying to control who you see - just trying to control who he has to be around. And he's not targeting your family if he's also set boundaries with addicts & dysfunction in his own family, too.

As for Christmas - depending how old your kids are, you could also ask what they want. Where do they want to be? Who do they want to see? What do they want to eat?

I think its massively unfair that your husband has given up his ideal Christmas every year so that you can have yours.

Being virtuous and accommodating everyone sounds nice on he surface but you're railroading him because your virtue tops his wants.

You're well on your way to damaging your marriage.

Christmas has been whatever the Ops wants for years.

Op Has kept inviting people every year. How is the husband not wanting to keeping is ‘sacroscant’.

Her knack for accommodating difficult and chaotic members of her family, has been her choice for years.

That is compromise. He has done it for years and now doesn’t want to

It’s a dilemma. I think your db is an absolute arse, shouty wanker, but your Dh refusing to eat reminds me of my dad, who’d refuse to eat regularly because it was too late or whatever, which just caused issues, mostly because he wouldn’t tackle my mother being drunk (again). Arsey, sulky behaviour which makes everyone uncomfortable.

You do not have to host family members with issues, I can empathise with your Dh about not wanting them over.

The absolute most beautiful thing I did in my life was cut out the following people.

Constant drama
Users
Obligationary people.

People can call me whatever they want for it but yesterday was the most beautiful Christmas since I was a child. 8 of us it total 5 if them our dcs !

@BusyMummyWrites

on the basis that it is still an economic reality that the male partner is usually the main earner unless stated otherwise, I inferred he had likely paid for ‘most‘ (NOT ALL) of it. Totally reasonable to expect Christmas day to be of significant benefit and pleasure to the person(s) doing most of the work

This is a very strange and outdated comment which is worth unpacking a bit because of the attitudes it betrays:

1. The assumption that the man must be the breadwinner and thus have paid nearly everything for Christmas “unless stated otherwise”.
2. That the person who has paid for it all automatically gets right of veto with respect to the other people in the family and their extended family.

This reminds me of the men in previous generations of my family who used to appoint themselves as “head of the family” (apparently purely on the basis that they had more money and a Y Chromosome.

It also explains some of the knee jerk assumptions on this thread about the “poor” DH whose desire for Christmas to run exactly as he sees fit is compromised by having to take the needs of his womenfolk into account. It’s such a throwback attitude.

Why would you assume a bloke has paid for Christmas “unless otherwise stated”? And why does that mean he gets to throw a strop because he unexpectedly has a couple of extra guests?

I paid for most of the Christmas food shop. DP did most (not all) of the cooking. Unexpectedly DP’s former flatmate was invited to have Christmas lunch with us because for reasons outside her control she was suddenly at a loose end. I didn’t plan it and I wouldn’t have chosen it but I welcomed her because we have enough food, I didn’t want her spending Christmas Day alone in a flat with no food and I am not an arsehole.

Also most of my friends out earn their partners. Why would you assume that a woman who is not financially dependent on her husband or partner has to declare this for the record?

If my DP had paid for the food and I had invited a guest over for lunch would I then have been in the wrong because he is the “head of the family”?

All sorts of bizarre assumptions on this thread but some of you seem to be assuming the DH gets to have the final word here for reasons straight out of the Victorian era.

It's a red flag for me that OP's children haven't got much of a mention. They have been exposed to all this chaos and conflict, too.

I think your husband is attention seeking by not eating. Looking for sympathy.
Whys it an issue if your DN stays longer? Seems as though your brother was sticking up for her.
Shes not using now is she? Her family are not nice so why shouldn’t she spend the day at your’s? What’s your DH’s problem?
Sounds as though just because your DH cooks he wants control over the whole situation.
Then refuses to eat when you have people at your home who sadly are otherwise alone.
Cook yourself next year then you can invite who you want.

Sounds as though your dh likes to be in control. What about you? What would YOU like for your children?
Sorry but the more info you give about your dh the more he sounds like the problem.

How about you alternate, one year DH does it and they do not come, and one year you do it and they come. You may find they start to make their own plans. Another option for next year is to see them on a separate day, it does not have to be all about the day. My DB has schizophrenia and the overload of Christmas always made him worse, he ruined many years.

I think you should stop trying to be a sub-branch of Crisis At Christmas. Just because you were brought up to do something, does not mean it is a sensible or desirable thing to do.

Everyone saying that it would have been cruel to kick out a 3YO on Christmas Day. I absolutely 100% agree with this.

But ...

The plan was for the 3YO to be collected by their father before lunch, I presume to go to dad/dad's family for lunch and then spend the rest of the day with them - dad would have known he was due to collect the child before lunch, and so would have planned for the child to eat with him (I hope), and being Christmas day would likely have sorted other timings like eating, presents etc with this in mind. Dad is likely to already have planned everything with his family.

I can't imagine most dad's being happy to be told the day before that the mum's shift has changed and so he had to pick the child up later. Most would say, "Fair enough, but it's Christmas day, and we've already planned everything, including eating lunch with child, so is it still okay for me to pick child up at the previously agreed time, considering it's now less than 24 hours to go?"

I don't know any of the people involved, so I may be completely wrong in all this, but as Pap's have also suggested - everything had been pre-planned between DB and DN (including that Dan's ex would collect the 3YO after dinner).

OP could not kick out her DN and the child on the day before the dinner, and so I can completely understand why she handled yesterday as she did. However, she also needs to acknowledge that there is a chance she was manipulated and used by both her DB and DN, and needs to move forward knowing this. The first step to moving forward is having a sit down with her DH, and accepting how hard this probably has been for him, seeing her being manipulated and used for years, and agreeing what they can do to move forward together, so next time they are on the same page.

It's your husband's home and you need to start listening to him. If he were bringing people into your home who made you feel uncomfortable and on edge I'm sure you'd ask him to stop.

You also were not clear with your brother that your niece was not welcome for lunch.

Your DH is so dramatic, refusing to eat with you / your DC / guests because your niece is sleeping upstairs 🙄

It's perfectly reasonable to want to have some sort of control over who you host in your own house, and where you want to be on Xmas Day.

As for what the OP wants, I think the family are getting rather more of that than anything else.

Season of goodwill doesn’t excuse family for taking advantage of you.

Did your husband not eat to try and prove a point, because you don’t listen to his communication with you? Could it be this was a way to get your attention to ‘listen’?

because all you’ve done on this thread is deny, rebuff any opinions that aren’t the same as yours and use emotive language‘turf her out’ ‘season of goodwill’ etc

maybe he felt not eating was the only way to give you a jolt. You feel fine with a busy Christmas, with people being there or not to eat at short notice, and a past history of chaotic lifestyle. Your husband is telling you he’s had enough-why aren’t you listening to him? I’d honestly get some therapy to try and pick that apart-why do you not really listen to him and make a compromise? Is it because you’d find that hard to stick to? Therapy would help with assertiveness too.

He’s telling you he wants a relaxed Christmas at home with your kids. Listen to him.

Team DH here.

He has addicts in his family which he has taken steps to limit contact with. While you have an open door policy to the currently clean addicts in your family.

DH is trying to create a stable and calm atmosphere which is children centric fir his children and you keep inviting all the chaos in and virtue signalling while doing it.

I didn't catch where DN's toddler was due to go while DN was working? There is dome other support available in the background, DN has other safety nets......

Why are you rushing in forcing your home to be the safety net for all these currently clean addicts? You want to reward their sobriety like the Christmas fairy, however your actions impact on those around you.... Mostly your children, who should be the priority.

I can understand why your DH was pissed off, not eating a dinner, so what, the man will live, maybe his stomach was turned by the out of control nonsense created and acquisced to by you OP.

Quiet Christmas next year.

BTW - the grandparents feed into all this drama too, they seem completely at ease with having raised a family of addicts and addict enablers.

You are exhausting yourself and everyone else by insisting on propping up all these dysfunctional people. Learn to protect your children from them and from your saviour complex.

This year, my single brother - who can have everyone on eggshells as he can suddenly raise his voice and be very confrontational (but also can be very full of festive spirit, maybe due to a bipolar diagnosis?!) -was expected and he has come for several years without any major issues.

@DairyleaFunker I have bipolar, the criteria for episodes (at least at first, so if he's never had this he doesn't have it) is that the episodes last for several weeks.

If it's just for a day or less, or a few days at most maybe, at most it's Borderline Personality Disorder.

Some people 'just' have an explosive/unpredictable temper- my dad was like that and it was awful. Some people call it Intermittent Explosive Disorder.

All the dodgy ones you describe sound awful, though.

Having a random family member/friend over for lunch on Christmas day. Lovely.

Having a family member over who is rude, bullying and has everyone walking on eggshells. No fucking way.

What a way to treat your husband.

@StrictlyComeSnoozing

It's your husband's home and you need to start listening to him

Why is it the husband’s home? Why does he get to make all the decisions? They are married so it’s the OP’s home too.

I get that the brother is a cynical and manipulative dick but why is everyone assuming the husband’s needs take automatic priority over those of the OP?

His ideal Christmas is to stay at home, he refuses to
go anywhere else so they stay at home every year?

they all sound manipulative. I can’t really imagine not inviting the niece in the circumstances if you had space, and let her have a sleep afterwards I think you’d have to be pretty cruel to do that. Her husband was very childish to refuse to join lunch and then refuse to eat because an extra person was there. If he’s not usually like that you need to decide now what happens next year, perhaps not invite anyone outside your family, including your parents. Or go somewhere else. It seems clear that insisting on staying at home and inviting your parents is not working out