AIBU? Trying to unpick yesterday's upset

[DairyleaFunker]

For years, DH has been put out by my family (barring my parents who he loves) joining us for Xmas lunch (which DH makes). Over the years, the extra family member has included a rotation of siblings who have addiction problems or other issues and they would otherwise be alone at Christmas but usually only one person per year would be at a loose end.

I was brought up thinking 'the season of goodwill' means you don't willingly leave people alone at Christmas unless they want to be alone.

This year, my single brother - who can have everyone on eggshells as he can suddenly raise his voice and be very confrontational (but also can be very full of festive spirit, maybe due to a bipolar diagnosis?!) -was expected and he has come for several years without any major issues.

My niece (who is not DBs daughter) is recovering from coke addiction and recently fled a new relationship in December due to discovering a worryIng history of DV found herself homeless and put into emergency accommodation. During this challenging time she seems to have resisted going back to coke and has maintained her job and working with her ex and organisations to maintain shared care with her ex of their DS (3). Her and my brother teamed up for Xmas eve and morning and had a lovely time. The plan was that they would then come to mine for around 2 hours before lunch then at lunch the DS3 would be collected by its Dad and niece would go for a work shift.

On Xmas eve I heard from my brother that nieces shift had been changed to the evening and the DS3 was being collected after our lunch. Niece doesn't drive and lives half hour taxi away so I asked him to check what her plans were now that she had new time to fill - trying to be clear that she wasnt invited to mine for longer. We left it as he would ask her to let me know and I didn't hear from them again until they arrived on Xmas morning. As we were readying for lunch, my brother loudly asked me if my niece and her DS were staying for lunch, I said that the plan was that they were going just before lunch, to which my brother raised his voice a little and said 'I didn't ask you what the plan was, I asked if they were staying'. I told him he was putting me in an awkward position and I left the room wanting to run away and hide as felt torn - do I upset my husband by letting her stay? Do I kick her out on Xmas day knowing she has nowhere to go and will have to pay for a taxi home just to come back to the area later for work? Meanwhile niece staying quiet and maybe a bit socially unaware as seemed to think she could just plonk herself in my house for the day and didn't mention or ask about changing her plans and I didn't want to spell it out to her and make her feel unwelcome at a time she is trying hard to get her life on track. My brother had to take someone home so I called him to smooth things over before his return. We argued and I told him he had railroaded me into having more people for lunch than agreed, he said I had had time to accomodate her when he told me about her plans changing and I reminded him he had said he would tell her to let me know her new timings. I told him he had raised his voice at me on xmas day in my own house which is exactly why my husband wanted a quieter Christmas as more people creates more opportunity for arguments - he said he was going to his friends house instead. I text him as we sat down for lunch to say there was space for him if he changed his mind and no further discussion was needed as it's Christmas, he didnt reply or return.

Niece and her DS stayed for lunch then the DS was collected and niece was looking to contact another family member to go to their house for a nap before night shift but they gave an excuse that she couldn't (the rest of the family on her side are horrific and selfish so I feel responsible to show her some kindness and care) so I told her she could nap in my DC room as we wouldnt use upstairs until after the time she would leave and so she did that then went to work.

DH served lunch but didn't eat, chatted with my oblivious parents and says he would eat his later to relax and enjoy it, he's never done this before and he didn't eat a dinner at all yesterday even when everyone had gone.

I know he will blame me for not eating his lunch - no doubt because he 'didn't feel comfortable in his own home' and possibly because my niece was there (but out of sight and asleep for hours).

I just don't know what I could have done, I upset my DH and my brother and felt I was stuck between a rock and a hard place and I've ended up upsetting them both. In honesty, I don't mind a busy house full at Christmas and would have 20 people for dinner but DH says my family are too volatile and he doesn't want an awkward atmosphere. He bites his tongue a lot as doesn't want to make a scene in front of the kids in Xmas day.

Should be sleeping in but woke up at 6am as can't stop thinking about it all

I read something once on here. About people (db and
neoce) jumping up and down rocking the boat. And others (you and dh) then have to run around counter balancing them- to keep the boat steady. So if you or dh stop steadying the bait they are then blamed for the boat rocking. Even though they're not the ones jumping. You're keen to go with the flow- assuming it's not DH's flow.

I think there's a compromise to be had.

DH sure does a lot of "insisting" doesn't he? Insisting he cooks and cleans up from lunch (even though you say you do all other Christmas prep) - does he feel this one job gives him final say and control over who attends on Christmas Day? Insisting that dinner is always at your home. He sounds like he's trying very hard to control what happens. The refusal to eat his dinner was nothing more than a tantrum. Very silly indeed from a grown man. He's trying to make you feel bad, as though you allowing your niece to stay meant he couldn't have his Christmas dinner. It didn't. That was purely a choice from him.

At the same time, you need to take more responsibility for being assertive and not allowing your family to walk all over you. Is it possible that the reason shouty brother has nowhere else to be, is because he's an insufferable bully and has alienated his other options? In which case, perhaps finding himself alone at Christmas would give him pause for thought. I wouldn't want to leave a family member alone at Christmas either, but there has to be a line. And if the family member in question is volatile and angry, I'd be prioritising my kids' Christmas over theirs and they'd not be spending it with me.

I'm not sure what the issue was with allowing DN and her son to stay for lunch. Why was that a problem? Why didn't you want to extend the invitation when their circumstances changed? It seems to me that this is the kind of situation where "you don't allow family to be alone at Christmas" comes in. It would be the shouty brother who would have been the issue all along for me.

Your husband needs to let go of the idea that he is in sole control of the guestlist because he cooks a turkey, and you need to be stronger in saying "no" to the family members who actually cause the trouble. Shouty brother should have earned himself a permanent ban at this point.

Sorry to go against the grain here, but frankly your dh sounds like a dick. Refusing to eat his dinner is just ridiculous & childish and to then use it as a stick to beat you with is fucking abusive.

Not necessarily.

I would have been stressed so much by a situation like this that I physically would have been unable to eat - it's not "being a dick", or "childish", it's stress.

Your brother behaved abominably - and like a PP I think he just told your niece that there would be no problem. Your DH, knowing how volatile your brother is will have been like a cat on hot bricks wondering if things were going to get loud and even violent.

The probability is that he was actually unable to eat a meal - not that he childish refused to.

OP, I think you sound really kind and thoughtful. I agree that you were put in a really hard position this year. Given everything you have said and your clearly charitable nature towards your extended family, I don’t think there was anything else you could realistically have done, even though it meant upsetting your DH. You did the best you could.

However I wouldn’t bother berating or arguing with your DH for his attitude as he clearly was emotional and upset about how his Christmas Day went and your ‘acts of charity’ probably felt very imposed upon him last minute. He didn’t feel he had time or opportunity to discuss it rationally so made the (rather immature) choice to go on a hunger strike instead! But no one is perfect and I sympathize with his position too.

I’d be upfront and tell him that you couldn’t help how this year went but you can promise that next year you’ll have a quiet Christmas Day with no ‘waifs and strays’ coming.

However, perhaps propose that the following year you’d like to be with family members again. So you suggest that either you host again, or DH agrees that you all go to someone else’s house at least for part of the day. Obviously this isn’t what he would like in an ideal world but it would be a compromise - and means that every other year he gets the quiet Christmas he craves.

Your family sounds awful. You and your parents are doormats. Your husband is childish by refusing to eat.

I think you all deserve each other and pity any children caught up in this mess.

It just sounds like you and your DH have different values and need to communicate properly. And come up with a solid plan moving forward, for next Christmas.

On his side - he's married you. You come with a colourful / chaotic / dysfunctional family. He has dysfunction in his family too. And you've both chosen different approaches - you seem to welcome them in, in some ways; and he seems to have cut his off.

You're basically just expecting each other to adopt your own mindsets on this, and instead you need to reach a middle ground and respect and care for each other's comfort, values, and positions. So just talk to him today. Properly. And hear him. And make sure he hears you also.

It's unrealistic to try to get your family to stick to a rigid schedule. It doesn't sound like they are the types of people to understand it. So having a thing of like "they can stay for the morning but they have to be gone before lunch" isn't going to work.

I guess the vibe I get from your post is that you maybe need better boundaries, and your DH needs to be a bit more flexible.

Better boundaries for you would be something like - "Brother, you are invited round, but if you kick off, I'm going to ask you to leave". Or "Brother, don't raise your voice to me in my home." or "Brother, I love you, but I'm not inviting you round at Christmas again, because you kicked off and caused a scene."

Maybe you scrap the big deal about Christmas Day altogether. Maybe from now on, Christmas Day is you, DH and your kids (I think you said you have kids). And you see/host your relatives on the days leading up to it.

This is what I do now for Christmas. My family is colourful and chaotic, and some people are dysfunctional. My DP doesn't want chaos. So, our house can be a bit austere for my taste - I prefer more liveliness and coming and going. But he hates it. So our compromise is that a bit of colour and chaos can come - before Christmas. Then over the actual Christmas Eve to Boxing Day period, it's just us. That makes him happy, even if it's a bit quiet for me. But I get to do what I value leading up to Christmas, even though that's a bit much for him.

I'm sure you'll work it out. You just need to respect each other.

Your h sounds very fixed and rigid in his ways. Not eating lunch and being a martyr isn't ideal.

Sounds like you both have very different ideas about what Christmas should be like- but then again, if all your family are volatile, maybe he's just fed up with all the drama over the years?

Sounds like you need to talk to him.

I think you all deserve each other and pity any children caught up in this mess.

Good tidings of great joy to you and all mankind!

I think you need to either invite people or not. Your brother sounds like an arse but then so does your dh. You obviously don't feel able to make decisions or speak up in your own house because your dh sulks if you do. Him not eating to teach you a lesson sounds awful. Your brother going elsewhere is horrible as was his nasty way of forcing your hand. Your niece must have felt v uncomfortable.

Honestly I am finding all the “your DH is a saint” posts utterly nauseating.

Your brother is cynical and manipulative, yes. You probably should have held the line better with him before he let it get to that point. The niece has also intruded into your Christmas but is vulnerable and has a small child.

But your DH chose to be a complete drama queen and martyr with his childish hunger strike. Yes it’s irritating and I totally get why he was pissed but he’s a grown man. He chose to behave like a child to make a point to you when he knew you were already in an impossible position.

You were put in this situation and made the best of it in a way which was designed to minimise hurt to your loved ones. Both your brother and your husband are both a pair of childish dicks.

Your DH keeps his family at arms' length now because he's found his boundaries and is enforcing them. No wonder he doesn't want YOUR family's chaos around him! He's managed to stop his own!

You have a serious people-pleasing saviour complex. That's fine if it's only impacting you and you get to bask in the glow of saving waifs and strays on your own. But you don't. Your poor DH sounds like a saint here, having put up with it for years.

I also agree with PP that you've been passive and wishy washy. You should have been clear with DB that niece etc could come over in the morning but couldn't be accommodated all day. You let that ambiguity unfold deliberately, probably so you could still swoop in and save everyone.

You are absolutely putting everyone else before your DH. When you wrote that it would have been easier without him because you would have had your busy day without his bad reaction I could have shaken you!! Poor man. Yes you have utterly hung him out to dry.

Apologise
Agree to have the calm Christmas he wants next year
Tell your assorted waifs and strays in about June that you are having a quiet day and not hosting this time.

And hope your husband hasn't found more boundaries before then and cut ties with the lot of you.

Tricky situation, but I think your DH told you he wanted a quieter Christmas and he didn’t get one. And you mention he does all the cooking, yet he had no say. Bringing in people with their own issues clearly wasn’t what he wanted.
I get the view about not liking the idea of people being alone, but couldn’t you have invited them round another day?

You clearly wanted to invite niece but couldn't as your dh would sulk or kick off. I wouldn't want to send a three year old back to a bedsit on Xmas day rather than give them a lunch and a family Xmas. Your dh however clearly would that doesn't sound very nice does it? He sounds like an arse.

Except the OP has expressly said that this is not how her husband handles stress, it doesn't impact his ability to eat. Therefore he was being childish and ridiculous.

The op has stated her dh will use this to have a go at her today and make it her fault. That is gaslighting, narcissistic abuse.

I think so many people are missing it’s not just about the nieceZ

It’s years of op accommodating chaotic and difficult people. Its years of her husband telling her he isn’t happy and op, magically, every year finding herself doing the exact opposite of what he would like.

It’s years of having people who cause issues in their house. Or just do as they wish in their shared home.

If the Op was ‘my husbands family are difficult and many have quite serious problems related to drugs, being chaotic and so on. I tell him every year I am happy to have his parents but am getting fed up of our house being the half way house for others who can’t make their own plans. It is ends up uncomfortable and chaotic. He has a problem saying no and every year it ends up with us stressed. This year I agreed his brother could come as he had nowhere to go. And then agreed his niece could come for the morning. She has a history of drug problems and is getting on her feet. She was working from 3pm so would be leaving as we had lunch.

On the day it became clear the nieces plans and had changed. Her son wasn’t getting picked up until after 4pm and her brother had decided that niece and her son were staying for dinner. He didn’t ask just kept trying to push dh into offering to let her stays. There ended up being a fallout between Dh and his brother who then left. His brother went to a friends (so did have somewhere to go) and the niece just sat there. At no point even asking if she could stay. Just making noises about how she was trying to contact other family and they ignored her. Dh ended up letting her stay. I was so annoyed about the arguing and being forced into a position I didn’t want to be I couldn’t eat but socialised with PIL. Then nieces son was picked up and she still didn’t leave. She started making noises about trying to find somewhere to have a nap. Dh ended up letting her have one of our kids rooms. Yet again, I cooked the dinner and cleaned up and end up with his relatives that just cause upset and uncomfortableness.’

No one would say Op was unreasonable or childish to not want this sort of stuff every year. They would be queuing up to tell op to put her foot down.

I did not miss the section where she states that her husband ‘did most of the work on the day’ (my reading comprehension is fine actually); and on the basis that it is still an economic reality that the male partner is usually the main earner unless stated otherwise, I inferred he had likely paid for ‘most‘ (NOT ALL) of it. Totally reasonable to expect Christmas day to be of significant benefit and pleasure to the person(s) doing most of the work (husband and OP) when the unacceptable behaviour of ungrateful or rude guests sabotages it.

Equally unnecessary of you to be obnoxious in your reply and moan about the patriarchy. As a feminist myself I do not believe that this involves denigrating male contributions in the domestic sphere or belittling women who recognise a husband’s contribution. I am the mother of a son as well as a daughter - feminism is about equality and mutual respect, not about point scoring at men’s expense.

Turfing your niece and her child out on Christmas day would have been cruel. Your DH seems quite hard hearted towards your family members. He put you into a really difficult position by insisting that he cooks and hosts because he doesn't want the kids moving about on Christmas day. Kids don't mind moving about on Christmas day, they take things like that in their stride. This is what he wants, but he's justifying it using the kids.

Have a quiet one next year. Tell people you're not doing Christmas dinner. I'm tempted to do the same thing.

My god, I have so much sympathy for your DH. Even more so when you said your Christmas would be so much better if he wasn’t in his family home for Christmas so you could do whatever your dysfunctional family wanted! Do your own children feature in your thinking at all? You really need to work on your priorities, if I were him I would be reconsidering the marriage.

I don't mind a busy house full at Christmas and would have 20 people for dinner but DH says my family are too volatile and he doesn't want an awkward atmosphere. He bites his tongue a lot as doesn't want to make a scene in front of the kids in Xmas day.

Yours and his preferences are not equal alternatives here, as for.e.g shall we have Christmas Pudding or Yule log would be. He is subject to terrible behaviour that makes him feel the need to bite his tongue. As the behaviour by your family IS terrible he should be able to veto being subjected to it on an occasion like Christmas.

There’s ‘season of goodwill’ and there is boundaries. Where is the goodwill if you allow your brother in to cause upset?

And your DH does all the cooking?

Make him a promise: none of your family members next year. No ifs, no buts. And see how much more relaxed it feels.

Why would DN have expense of taxi when your DB was driving around?...
It was all planned... The staying

The plan was that they would then come to mine for around 2 hours before lunch then at lunch the DS3 would be collected by its Dad and niece would go for a work shift.

On Xmas eve I heard from my brother that nieces shift had been changed to the evening and the DS3 was being collected after our lunch.

you do know that this was all bullshit don’t you? She had no intention of leaving and going to work before you had lunch, they just know doing it this way was the only way you couldn’t have said no? Maybe your DH saw straight through it?

either way you should have let her stay and not invited her or DB again next year, what’s the point of all the drama just for the end result to be the same?

no wonder you DH is against having them.

It is not point scoring at men’s expense to suggest that compromise and discussion are the way forward, I don’t think.
It seems very fixed to suggest that ‘DH’s Christmas should be sacrosanct’ when actually family involves more than him; that is where my comments about the patriarchy come from - that is not equality. I don’t know, I suppose I am more like the OP in that I would rather have family members of mine accepted and around me when they need to be, than sent away because of a rigid idea of how Christmas should be.
(Also the mother of a son, although goodness knows why that is relevant - I would hope he grows up to be compassionate about those in need and able to lay an extra place or two at the table for his partner’s family, should the need arise).

@sandyhappypeople - I feel so naive! You're right. It was a deliberate strategy.

No wonder the DH was so angry. He realised that the family was taking advantage of them, and was causing drama doing it.

HRHR but have read all of your posts OP. Your husband is being very unreasonable towards your niece. He's also maintaining the Mr Lovely Guy image with everyone else, whilst punishing you with his passive aggressive behaviour,resulting in you tying yourself up in knots. Is this a feature in your relationship if you stand back and analyse it? This is very definately a DH problem. Your DB is of course wrong to raise his voice - but he is right to support DN and DGN. Did your DH really thinknit was fine to throw a preschooler out on Christmas day, when the alternative was to experience a lovely family dinner? Something he knows they will never experience with their druggie grandparents? Your niece is obviously responsible fot their day - but work changed her plans with short notice. DH does not come out of this well for me.