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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No gifts for me this year

149 replies

FeelingMehMehMehMeh · 26/12/2023 00:34

Genuine opinions needed. DH and I agreed to not exchange gifts this year. Partly from my side as he’s impossible to buy for and partly because I don’t have much spare cash (separate finances).

His children and employer gave him gifts. I don’t expect gifts from DSS’s (adults) and am happy they buy for DH. I have no other family so I got nothing. He got loads of nice thoughtful gifts.

AIBU to feel a bit sad? The gifts he exchanged with his sons were really lovely and thoughtful but he didn’t think I might be left out?

OP posts:
slaybell · 26/12/2023 00:37

YABU. You agreed not to exchange gifts - he stuck to this agreement.

Sorry.

ManateeFair · 26/12/2023 00:39

YABU. You agreed not to do gifts. You must have known that meant you’d get nothing.

theduchessofspork · 26/12/2023 00:40

Er, but you said you didn’t want to do presents?

AllyArty · 26/12/2023 00:41

If the shoe were on the other foot would you have gone back on what you agreed and bought him something?

Original poster
FeelingMehMehMehMeh · 26/12/2023 00:42

Yes we agreed no gifts. I guess I didn’t think I’d be sat like a lemon while everyone opened presents. I didn’t think it through but it feels really crap.’

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingMehMehMehMeh · 26/12/2023 00:43

I can’t afford his expensive tastes.

OP posts:
MonsteraMama · 26/12/2023 00:44

What were you expecting exactly? Were you hoping he'd surprise you with something anyway despite agreeing no gifts? Or are there other family members you were expecting gifts from but they didn't deliver?

Bedbouncer · 26/12/2023 00:44

I feel for you. Sounds very disappointing. Tell him how you feel, while acknowledging that was the agreement, and say you do want to exchange gifts next year.

Original poster
FeelingMehMehMehMeh · 26/12/2023 00:47

Not expecting family gifts. DSS’s have only ever bought for DH and that’s never been an issue.

I suppose I was hoping DH would realise my financial predicament with him and maybe buy one thoughtful gift. He can be very good with gifts but just doesn’t seem interested in me.

OP posts:
ButterflyOil · 26/12/2023 00:50

How come you are in such financial dire straits and your husband seems to have a lot more? He’s got expensive tastes you can’t afford and happily exchanged gifts with his children while you got nothing? The only reason you didn’t do gifts was because you can’t afford to, but he’s fine?

What’s going on with your finances as a married couple?

Original poster
FeelingMehMehMehMeh · 26/12/2023 01:00

It’s a 2nd marriage and he has children. He is much better financially than I am. He doesn’t want to join finances for obvious reasons.

OP posts:
ThurstonArmbrister · 26/12/2023 01:17

I fell for this once. My girlfriend at the time told me straight up she didn't want anything for her birthday, then got upset when I didn't get her anything and pointed out that there was no room for interpretation in what she'd said.

I learned something that day. She should have, but I'm not certain she did.

Hermittrismegistus · 26/12/2023 01:25

FeelingMehMehMehMeh · 26/12/2023 00:43

I can’t afford his expensive tastes.

Surely he will love whatever you buy or even make him, if it is done with thought and love?

AmazingDayz · 26/12/2023 01:31

It’s not his fault you have no one else that buys for you and he does. Did you not realise that before?

RantyAnty · 26/12/2023 01:38

Is he one of those 50/50 finance guys when he makes something like 150k and you make 30k?
But he's a 95/5 guy when it comes to chores, cooking, etc.

Hatty65 · 26/12/2023 01:40

I think that's very sad, OP. I think you should say to him. 'Yesterday made me really sad. You do realise I didn't get a single gift from anyone for Christmas? It was embarassing and hurtful to watch everyone else happily opening presents. I know we agreed not to swap gifts with each other - but that is basically because I cannot afford to buy you anything and money is very tight for me. Does it always have to be reciprocal? You don't think you could actually give me something as your wife to show you care about me? It all feels very transactional to be honest'.

I can't believe the other posters who seem to think it's your own fault for agreeing to it, when it's pretty clear there is a real disparity in finances in your marriage. And he must be aware of this. I think you need a conversation about this. Why doesn't he realise your financial predicament? And he must know you have no other family but him.

HaroldMeaker · 26/12/2023 01:52

I'm quite shocked no one gave you a gift. If I'm visiting someone at Christmas I either give a joint gift or a maybe something token for the non relative or partner.

They all sound very mean including your partner I'm afraid.

crumblingschools · 26/12/2023 01:57

If you go out does he expect you to go halves?

Surely if he knows you have no money if he was half way decent he would say you didn’t need to get him anything, or just a token gift, but he would get you something, especially as you have no-one else to give you a present

Hipnotised · 26/12/2023 01:59

I think you didn't think it through, not him.

If you want a gift, tell him.

ThurstonArmbrister · 26/12/2023 02:06

Hipnotised · 26/12/2023 01:59

I think you didn't think it through, not him.

If you want a gift, tell him.

This. Maybe, just maybe, like the young ThurstonArmbrister, he's one of those (possibly ND) people who take what they're told very literally.

What OP probably should have agreed with him was, nothing extravagant/a box of Roses is fine/just something to unwrap. Not you don't have to get me anything, because actually, he did have to, but the messaging was 180 degrees removed from that.

BrieAndChilli · 26/12/2023 02:12

Men are much more literal than women so if you suggested not exchanging gifts then that is what he did. Most men don’t get subtext and hidden meanings.

I do think maybe you could have suggested token presents - that way you wouldn’t have had to spend much and he might have bought you something with a slightly larger budget if he has more money than you.

i do think as a married couple you need to have a discussion around finances

LunaTheCat · 26/12/2023 02:19

I am sorry OP… that’s awful.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 26/12/2023 03:59

This is much bigger than a lack of Christmas presents. It sounds like he is financially abusing you. How are your outgoings split?

NewbieSM · 26/12/2023 03:59

Hmm I think we need some context surrounding your financial situation and marriage. Given it's a second marriage and you haven't mentioned having any children together I'm less bothered by the lack of combined finances as you haven't sacrificed anything for your husband to earn more than you. Also given you told him you didn't want to exchange gifts and now are upset as you didn't get one that makes no sense. Could you really not afford a small gift for him if you wanted one from him? Surely if you live together you are better off than when single as you can share bills/rent? Too bad if he has expensive taste, you gift what you can afford not cater to his pricey wishes. But yeah I think a frank discussion about finances is needed as he isn't a mind reader. You need to work on communication and expectations.

ironorchids · 26/12/2023 04:05

That's a shame. Tell him you didn't expect to feel this way and you're a little sad that it turned out you didn't get any gifts, so could you exchange new year gifts please?

Then you've got a couple of days to get some bargains in the sales and something lovely to open on New Year's Day.

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