No gifts for me this year

[FeelingMehMehMehMeh]

Genuine opinions needed. DH and I agreed to not exchange gifts this year. Partly from my side as he’s impossible to buy for and partly because I don’t have much spare cash (separate finances).

His children and employer gave him gifts. I don’t expect gifts from DSS’s (adults) and am happy they buy for DH. I have no other family so I got nothing. He got loads of nice thoughtful gifts.

AIBU to feel a bit sad? The gifts he exchanged with his sons were really lovely and thoughtful but he didn’t think I might be left out?

Jesus I'd be saving up for a divorce lawyer.
It's fine to not want to combine finances along as there's accomodation elsewhere - so proportional split etc. you'd be better off financially on your own surely?

I don't think he did anything wrong. You had discussed and agreed what you were doing. Next year you can do it differently.

£32k isn't that bad a salary especially if you don't have rent or big mortgage! . Have you a good pension? He sounds tight though.

Out of interest what financial set-up would you advise for the OP and her husband?

Seems like there's an assumption that - if finances are to be kept separate - a high-earning man should still provide for a low-earning woman, but a low-earning man would be a cocklodger if provided for by a high-earning man.

He stuck to your agreement on the Christmas presents, and can't be blamed for his sons and employer getting him presents so he had more to open.
Regarding designer swimwear and the like, most people will be wearing Primark or similar on holiday and a partner shouldn't be expected to kit you out in designer swimwear when what you have is the same as most people. The problem is him letting you take out a loan to finance the holiday when he could have paid for both of you without getting into debt.
The main issue is the unfair split of finances. I can understand him not wanting to join finances and of course you should both contribute, but not 50/50. It should be worked out proportionally and that involves him paying the bulk due to his earnings.

You are being unreasonable about the Christmas gifts as you both stuck to the agreement you made. However you're not being unreasonable about the split in household bills. Surely the contribution should be proportionate to income? I wish you luck, op. I think next year you should exchange gifts even if you can only afford a Dove Men's set from Tesco. No need for you to indulge the designer stuff.

No need to apologise! (though I appreciate that you did) I actually find it really interesting to see different reactions.
Not that you’re asking me to justify it, or that I need to, but as I do have the whole picture I know that he often offers (genuinely) to pay for things. He also does more cooking and cleaning than me 🤣

I believe there are a lot of ways to do finances, and that doesn’t always mean equal. But I couldn’t take half the bills money off someone with that salary differential that the OP describes. If I was strict about them not costing me money, I’d at least pay things like the standing charge elements and broadband - all the things that cost the same for 1 or 2 and I’d be paying anyway.

Tbh it was a knee jerk response from me. Not a thought out one, which is why I apologised. I couldn’t possibly suggest because I know nothing of their life!

That must have been pretty shitty to sit there with nothing while they exchanged gifts but you did agree to none & if your step children have never gotten you anything then you must have realised it would happen?

Having said that, why don't they at least get you a token something? I think that's really awful to turn up at your dad's & lavish him with gifts but have not even a smellies set or a box of chocolates for your step-mum - especially when you're an adult. No excuse for that at all.

Also, I don't understand why you're married yet have no money while your husband has plenty?! That's dreadful. ☹️ Especially as it created this entire situation. Did you have that conversation with him? If not, why not & if you did, that's even worse that he did nothing about it & just got you eff all, knowing that he'd still get gifts from his kids & you'd be sat there looking & feeling uncomfortable & sad.

It's not on him that you didn't get gifts from elsewhere; I buy presents for 3 people, and I only get gifts from 3 people... its the life you're living; you either forge the relationships that result in the gifts, or you get no gifts....

But yes, feeling sad an envy is a result is a result of watching others... either don't watch; go for a walk, do something else, or forge the relationships this year to get more gifts (but you then have to give more gifts...)

Why are you paying half if everything when he earns so much more ? That seems unfair
my dh earns twice what i do, I do not pay half of everything. I pay a third roughly as that is fairer.
i get being independent etc but you probably live in a larger house than needed to of had kids when younger etc all things needed by him

He sounds absolutely vile. Refuse to pay "half"
what can he actually do ? You's are married 7+2 so its quite a long relationship

start putting your foot down OP

This is strange... so he must be ND because he did what was agreed with his partner?!

Also remember that the OP didnt get him anything either

@missmollygreen No, I'm not saying he must be ND, the word "possibly" should have been a clue. I'm suggesting he (and I) might. He took the OP at face value, just like I did all those years ago when it turned out I should somehow have known my GF meant the exact opposite of what she actually said.

They usually are. Especially the older skint ones.

Find a kind woman with a good job and own house while he pisses around in some hobby job but she still ends up doing all the chores and laying for everything.

I hate being right about these financial abuse situations. :(

Yes, he's mean, greedy and financially abusive.

He's got you thinking you should be grateful for paying to be his skivvy.

No, his children are not lovely. They're like him in that they don't consider you at all.

As others have said, consider why you are actually with him and how do you benefit?

A call to women's aid might be helpful.

I think it’s sad that you’ve been together 12 years and you felt you had to suggest not swapping presents because you can’t really afford it, yet he’s sitting on cash.

I’d probably try and have a calm conversation and let him know you felt a bit sad at not having a single present to open from anyone, but let him know the reason you suggested not exchanging with him. Can you ever imagine a Christmas where he’d have bought lovely, well chosen gifts for you, like he did for his kids? Even if you could only have bought a token gift in return, without putting it on credit card? I’d be questioning the marriage if the answer was no, because it seems a slightly miserable way to live with a life partner.

If he can comfortably afford to pay for you both to go on holiday, but chooses not to, I think that’s really sad. You’re his wife!

Also bit mean his kids didn’t get you a little token gift as coming to your house even a box chocs between them, to me thats just polite.
also if buying gifts even for each other surely you don’t have to match cost when such a big difference in wages, but personally can’t get my head around the whole money set up in this instance anyway , with such large difference.

Is there a reason they've never bought for you?

Jesus, just leave, honestly, you need to get out of this awful marriage.

He's a mean, financially abusive fuckwit. I'd leave him. You deserve better.

As you acknowledge OP, this isn't about the absence of presents, it's all about the financial inequity in your marriage and your DH's attitudes and behaviour. Other issues aside, if your DSS realise what their DF is doing and are OK with it, that's quite worrying as to their own future relationships.

I wish you well in deciding what you're going to do to reduce this asymmetry of finances in the future.

What man "in love" makes his new bride take out a loan for her share of a luxurious honeymoon!! This is all sorts of wrong!! Along with everything else financially

This doesn't sound remotely like a marriage to me. It's barely a relationship.

I'm the higher earner in our relationship so I contribute more.than DH to joint costs, it's a no brainer.

Utterly baffled why you are living like this op.

He earns 6figures and I earn £32k but we do halves on everything including food and bills.

this is disgraceful and not a marriage.

I would no more live like this as the low earner than I would watch the man I love struggle when I have the means for us to comfortably live a good and happy life together.