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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No gifts for me this year

149 replies

FeelingMehMehMehMeh · 26/12/2023 00:34

Genuine opinions needed. DH and I agreed to not exchange gifts this year. Partly from my side as he’s impossible to buy for and partly because I don’t have much spare cash (separate finances).

His children and employer gave him gifts. I don’t expect gifts from DSS’s (adults) and am happy they buy for DH. I have no other family so I got nothing. He got loads of nice thoughtful gifts.

AIBU to feel a bit sad? The gifts he exchanged with his sons were really lovely and thoughtful but he didn’t think I might be left out?

OP posts:
shearwater2 · 26/12/2023 04:05

He sounds like someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

ironorchids · 26/12/2023 04:09

Hatty65 · 26/12/2023 01:40

I think that's very sad, OP. I think you should say to him. 'Yesterday made me really sad. You do realise I didn't get a single gift from anyone for Christmas? It was embarassing and hurtful to watch everyone else happily opening presents. I know we agreed not to swap gifts with each other - but that is basically because I cannot afford to buy you anything and money is very tight for me. Does it always have to be reciprocal? You don't think you could actually give me something as your wife to show you care about me? It all feels very transactional to be honest'.

I can't believe the other posters who seem to think it's your own fault for agreeing to it, when it's pretty clear there is a real disparity in finances in your marriage. And he must be aware of this. I think you need a conversation about this. Why doesn't he realise your financial predicament? And he must know you have no other family but him.

This.

Tilllly · 26/12/2023 04:18

How awful

Did he not realise or not care?

I think DSSs should be getting gifts for you, and theirs shld be from the two of you

He sounds unkind and trying to compartmentalise you

SunRainStorm · 26/12/2023 05:08

I think DSC are rude to exchange gifts in front of you and not give you anything. You're their father's wife.

Did your DH suggest not exchanging gifts this year? Or did you? If it was you then you can't really blame him for sticking to the agreement. I'd be annoyed and embarrassed if I agreed 'no gifts' with someone and they bought me a gift anyway.

For next year, tell DH you want to be involved in exchanging gifts (with DH and DSC). Make cookies or something if you can't spend much. Keep a look out in charity shops for Christmas tins to present them in.

The bigger issue is why your husband is happy to swan around with a lot more money and expensive tastes while his wife must make do on such less. And also why he hasn't pulled his children up on being so thoughtless towards you.

I'm sorry Op, sounds like a disappointing day.

Quietplaces · 26/12/2023 05:18

I understand couples who don't completely share finances, ie work out a fair split for joint bills and then keep their own money beyond that but it sounds like you're not even at that stage - I don't see how you can realistically be a married couple and not share any financial burden, leaving your DW too poor for Christmas presents while you're well off. If he had some severe accident/illness/financial mishap in future that left him broke and you were well off would he honestly be ok with you not making sure he had at least a little comfort in his finances?

WesselCups · 26/12/2023 05:31

You told him that you didn't want to exchange gifts and he took you at your word.
Now you're saying that he should have got you something even though you told him not to.
No wonder blokes can't work women out.

smileyforest · 26/12/2023 05:32

I think that's a really sad situation and understand your feelings . How can your step sons just give gifts to their Dad in front of you and not even a small token gift for you ? I have SS's .. just wouldn't happen and my DH would not allow that to happen. If your DH is a high earner and your not and can't afford to buy him gifts to his taste, how bad that he couldn't even get you flowers/ small gift even though you said not to exchange gifts ...Sorry find it mean. I'd also be wondering why you're struggling in a marriage financially and he's not ....?
Sorry uiu had an upsetting time ...and I feel embarrassing ..

FindingMeno · 26/12/2023 05:34

This is why I don't like Christmas.
I said no gifts and received none.
There's far too much emphasis on people skinting themselves at Christmas.
I was spoilt in other ways though and I hope your DH showed he valued you in actions. If not, I can understand you being upset.

GreatGateauxsby · 26/12/2023 05:42

FeelingMehMehMehMeh · 26/12/2023 01:00

It’s a 2nd marriage and he has children. He is much better financially than I am. He doesn’t want to join finances for obvious reasons.

I understand why it's upsetting it's a clear message on how you are valued.

However,...

Your problem isn't a lack of Christmas day trinkets from one person.

Your problem is your marriage which isn't good / a partnership / healthy.

Why does your husband think it's okay to have thousands surplus while you don't have £20 spare if you are the woman he protests to love cherish and adore for eternity?

Why do you not have anyone else in your life (your own family and friends?) Have you isolated yourself/ been isolated?

Your post implies you were with others (beyond your DH on Xmas day) if you hosted his kids it's beyond rude for them to get you nothing... again your DH has given them the message that's fine. It's really not.

CombatBarbie · 26/12/2023 05:49

FeelingMehMehMehMeh · 26/12/2023 01:00

It’s a 2nd marriage and he has children. He is much better financially than I am. He doesn’t want to join finances for obvious reasons.

What does this mean? In the event of a split it would be 50/50 anyway?

If the finances are split I hope it's by a % of his income vs yours I. E. 70/30....

iloveeverykindofcat · 26/12/2023 06:01

I really don't think you can hold it against him for not doing what you agreed not to do. I am indeed autistic, but this sort of thing makes me really uncomfortable - I hate knowing that people are upset by things like this, when we don't intuit what they want when its the opposite of what they've said. Not everyone can do that.

SunRainStorm · 26/12/2023 06:02

There are some legitimate issues in this relationship- but telling someone they are in the wrong for buying no gifts when you'd agreed no gifts, isn't fair.

She shouldn't have said 'no gifts' if what she meant was 'I'm not buying or making you a gift but I expect you to surprise me with one, despite our express agreement to the contrary.'

OP- tell him how you feel and say you want to do it differently next year.

The money issue is the bigger one.

Shoppingfiend · 26/12/2023 06:06

The chances are what was bought for you wasn’t seen as a nice thoughtful gift but something you didn’t really want.
Next year have a couple of lovely things you bought yourself

SunRainStorm · 26/12/2023 06:12

iloveeverykindofcat · 26/12/2023 06:01

I really don't think you can hold it against him for not doing what you agreed not to do. I am indeed autistic, but this sort of thing makes me really uncomfortable - I hate knowing that people are upset by things like this, when we don't intuit what they want when its the opposite of what they've said. Not everyone can do that.

Exactly this.

I'm NT as far as I know- and if someone told me 'no gifts' I'd take them at their word- or at the most I'd give them homemade jam or something if they were hosting me.

Weedoormatnomore · 26/12/2023 06:30

Got to agree with everyone else you did say no gifts so not his fault.
Why did you not leave the room and go do something else while they opened their gifts if you felt like a lemon. Sounds like you need to learn to communicate with DH also look at finances why he is flush and your skint is it cause of unfair split or your a spender?

TypicalCoach · 26/12/2023 06:45

We need more info on the financial and bill paying split as you may have bigger issues than a none Xmas present.

Londonrach1 · 26/12/2023 06:50

If you married you should be equal financially...you need to sort that out.

TwilightSkies · 26/12/2023 06:54

Why is he so much more financially comfortable than you? You shouldn’t be struggling.

RedHelenB · 26/12/2023 06:57

Did it not occur to you'd have nothing to open when you had the no gifts discussion? It's on you I'm afraid, you need to talk to your dh about things

ObsidianGrape · 26/12/2023 07:03

Did you buy gifts for anyone this year? If the answer is no, then I don't think you should feel upset. You made the decision to not exchange gifts with the only person that would buy for you, so don't think you should feel sad about that now after the event.

LynetteScavo · 26/12/2023 07:03

I agree with others that you shouldn't be supposed he got you nothing because he was just doing as you asked. Alison, there are bigger problems than no present if he has lots of spare cash and you don't. I understand him wanting to protect his assest, be he shouldn't have lots more surplus cash to spend if you're married. If he's going to be like that he can expect a book from you, while he buys you something much more ££££. It seems strange that he agreed to marry you at all if he's going to be like this.

Also, it's strange that his DC don't even buy you a bubble bath. That's just rude. I can't imagine not buying DHs parent new spouses anything, especially if seeing them in Christmas Day.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 26/12/2023 07:06

DH and I agreed to not exchange gifts this year

You clearly did want gifts and are now pissed off you don't have any despite agreeing you wouldn't exchange any. Why make that decision?

festivepains · 26/12/2023 07:11

The finances are an issue to look at.

But if you agree to not exchanging gifts you are ridiculous for blaming him for you not getting a gift.

festivepains · 26/12/2023 07:12

FeelingMehMehMehMeh · 26/12/2023 00:42

Yes we agreed no gifts. I guess I didn’t think I’d be sat like a lemon while everyone opened presents. I didn’t think it through but it feels really crap.’

That's on you

Bainbridgemews · 26/12/2023 07:30

WesselCups · 26/12/2023 05:31

You told him that you didn't want to exchange gifts and he took you at your word.
Now you're saying that he should have got you something even though you told him not to.
No wonder blokes can't work women out.

It's nothing to do with blokes and women. Plenty of pps, presumably mostly or all women, have called the OP out. I'm sorry she was sad but this was a situation of her making. There are clearly other issues at play but she said no gifts so that's what he did. I'd be annoyed if someone got me a present if that's what we'd agreed.

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