No gifts for me this year

[FeelingMehMehMehMeh]

Genuine opinions needed. DH and I agreed to not exchange gifts this year. Partly from my side as he’s impossible to buy for and partly because I don’t have much spare cash (separate finances).

His children and employer gave him gifts. I don’t expect gifts from DSS’s (adults) and am happy they buy for DH. I have no other family so I got nothing. He got loads of nice thoughtful gifts.

AIBU to feel a bit sad? The gifts he exchanged with his sons were really lovely and thoughtful but he didn’t think I might be left out?

I get the separate finances as second marriage. He has kids

But

He earns much more than you. His bills would have reduced when you moved in

He should pay 70/30% if Earns over 100k and you £30 ish

Are you on the mortgage ?

Oh, and I get that you got what you asked for but with the added context that sounds shit.

a PP mentioned listing what you like about DH and I think this is a good idea as TBH you sound like you don’t recognise that you are being treated unfairly/badly.

DH pool our money but I cannot imagine depriving us of a couples holiday because he cannot afford it and vice versa.

Agree with this.

OP, this is not about the Christmas present. You need to divide up expenses proportionally at the very least.

Sorry OP this just gets sadder. You deserve better. LTB

He is earning 6 figures yet can't get you a present (I know you said no gifts but even so...), he is alright then isn't he sitting more than comfortably whilst seeing you struggle. You are supposed to be in a partnership. At least splitting things proportionately would hopefully mean you are not struggling. What an arse, I am sorry but sounds like this is just the tip of the iceberg.

You are living with a mean man is all I can say - I feel sorry for you but this is deeper than no present

I'm going to go back and read the last page of posts but your latest update re holidays has really irked me.
My OH earns significantly less than me. Our exchange of gifts represented this. We are going on holiday in 10 days and I've paid for the flights (part birthday present anyway) however we plan things according to our respective budgets. For my birthday trip, which he is treating me to, I've deliberately selected an option that is affordable to him.

I know the other posters have already said this but your situation is unfair to you and you deserve better.

I also agree that your SC should have bought you a gift. They are adults who should have the common sense to think of someone else's feelings at, what is typically, a family occasion.

I was going to say YABU as you agreed no presents, but having read your updates about how financially controlling he is, I’ve changed my mind.

You had to get into debt to pay for your half of your honeymoon because your 6-figure earning DH wouldn’t cover it? No holidays since as he won’t pay, so he goes with his mates? You’re always skint as he makes you pay full whack for bills and everything, even though you earn a fraction of what he does? What a charmer. Does he care about you at all? I understand now that’s the sentiment behind the present situation. He doesn’t seem to. I’d be planning to leave if I were you, not because of the present thing, but because of everything else. 💐

How terribly sad. I feel awful for you. He sounds like an absolute miser with you but the opposite with himself. I couldn't be with a man like this.

How the merry fuck does this madness happen?

This place just bewilders me more and more every day.

I think there's a lot more going on here than a Christmas present. First of all you both said no gifts, and you knew his children don't buy for you so how could you have got a gift? That needed thinking through.

But second of all you don't sound financially compatible. There is always going to be this gap if things carry on as they are. I dont see how it's fair for 50/50 when he earns so much. Or more to the point, how a loving husband would be happy for their wife to pay 50/50 when they earn at least more than triple the salary. It kind of tells you a lot about him.

You don't sound ungrateful OP - you sound like someone whose married to a meanie. One of my relatives is with a man like this, but the man refuses to get married and the relative keeps house of their own "just in case". It surprises me that the man in the situation won't pay out for their partner to join them on holiday, and therefore has less exciting holidays than they can afford, but that's what you get for being tight.

You've agreed to this situation OP. You need to have a very hi eat conversation with your DH about your finances. Please don't tell me you're contributing to a mortgage that's not in your name.

I think my DP has said “let’s not do gifts for each other” almost every year after about the third Christmas together and I have always ignored that and bought for her.

Similarly, I’ve always made sure my DC have bought her something (or I’ve bought for them when younger / not earning). It’s just showing a little thoughtfulness. I think they’re being incredibly rude by turning up to the house without even a token gift.

And I agree with PP. Your ‘dear’ husband is a financially abusive, uncaring bellend.

You’ve not answered other PPs on this yet, but I’d put ‘his’ good money on a bet that the household drudgery isn’t split as equally as he insists the bills are?

“He earns 6figures and I earn £32k but we do halves on everything including food and bills”

Jesus.
I earn £80K to my husband’s £20K. Second husband, both have own older / adult children none together. Completely separate finances.
I have more disposable income than him - it’s mine, we both happily agreed separate finances.
But he lives in my house for free.
If he happens to be the one that picks up food shopping, he pays. Otherwise - no costs at all. So although I have more money than him, he is much better off than before he married me.
You can separate finances without being a total arsehole.

What fucking rude badly bought up children your husband has. I would just feel rather sad for their self absorption..

I have two Dss from DHs first marriage and 4 DSC from his second. I have four of my own. Not a single one would ever dream of gifting to their father or me and not include the other partner . IE step mother or step father. I am pretty horrified about how people are bought up these days with such little idea of decent behaviour .

YANBU OP as this stuff should just not happen. The kids should jave been raiaed better. However YABU to put up with this financial shit. You are married. with behaviour like that i would divorce his arse and enjoy a higher standard of living. In all ways .

my jaw was literally open reading this. This is awful, please don’t put up with this. You deserve better.also I can’t believe his kids don’t get you anything, they’re as awful as him!

Learn from this. Do not ask for no gifts. You dint need to afford his expensive tastes. Get him something cheap and thoughtful. Dont discuss budget for presents either as they should be wildly different. Dont ask for a list you cannot afford.

What did he say when he saw you with no gifts at all?

What does he buy you and do for you on your birthdays.

Oh bless you. Just learn from it and don’t put yourself in the same position next year. Did you buy for DSS?

Sounds like a cock lodger who is taking the utter piss if I’m honest.

@FeelingMehMehMehMeh who cooked the Christmas dinner? Do you do most of the housework? Apart from being tired and skint are you happy with him?

Fine to keep finances separate if it's a reasonable split but needs to be taken into account both parties budget!

@WorriedMum231 I mention my set up occasionally on MN either threads like this, or directly when people ask how others do it.

You are not the first to call him a cocklodger.

However, I’ve also been called financially abusive on here because why am I even married if he doesn’t have the same disposable income via a joint account? 🤣

Bottom line for us: we talked about it in detail with a budget in front of us before we married, and neither of us are pushed to post our unhappiness on line.

@Testina It’s your life and your set up isn’t it. What ever works for you both. In fact I apologise, I don’t know enough about your situation to speak on it.

But this is what happens when you have conversations about stuff you don't mean and don't talk about stuff you do.

Is the situation with him making you skint? Do you split bills fairly? Does he know you're struggling?

Is he derisive if you buy him something small but thoughtful?

Unfortunately, you've ended up with a tight arsed husband OP.

The fact you're paying half of bills etc on a lower wage is ridiculous.