No gifts for me this year

[FeelingMehMehMehMeh]

Genuine opinions needed. DH and I agreed to not exchange gifts this year. Partly from my side as he’s impossible to buy for and partly because I don’t have much spare cash (separate finances).

His children and employer gave him gifts. I don’t expect gifts from DSS’s (adults) and am happy they buy for DH. I have no other family so I got nothing. He got loads of nice thoughtful gifts.

AIBU to feel a bit sad? The gifts he exchanged with his sons were really lovely and thoughtful but he didn’t think I might be left out?

We’re in the south east.
My percentage of our living costs and food shop plus my commuting costs don’t leave much at the end of every month. I don’t want to get into debt but have a small credit card debt - mainly to help out at the end of the month.

WTF!

I can't believe you pay 50/50 when you have a much lower income. The fair way in this situation is to pay in proportion of your income. I bet his food shopping is high end too and you pay 50/50 for posh food you can't afford or your income.

I honestly can't imagine living with someone who earned well but would do without a holiday rather than pay for it.

This prick is buying designer socks for himself while his wife is running out of money every month.

OP, you might not get half in a divorce but I promise a judge would value you much more than your husband does.

If you were divorced you wouldn't have the financial stress of trying to keep up with him.

In proportion isn't necessarily right. If he wants a turkey that costs £74 for Christmas and pays 80% of the cost, that still leaves her paying £16 for a turkey. She might prefer to buy a posh chicken, all the veg and a bottle of cava with that £16, but meanwhile he's moaning because he wants to buy champagne at £50...

I've been a student and a low earner- I always bought gifts for the people I saw at Christmas.

I'm sure you would appreciate a small box of chocolates from the three of them at least.

Tell me you didn't cook Christmas dinner for these four selfish men?!

Goodness me woman give your head a wobble.
What on earth do you get from this relationship?
His adult children come to your house and don’t so much as being you a token gift! How rude.
No decent person would hand around presents in someone’s house and leave out one person.
I really hope you remain safe on your backside and don’t jump up making drinks or food for them.
Is your dh older than you?
I’m getting that impression.
Who does the household chores?
Is it you? If so stop, let this selfish bastard pay someone.
in all honestly I would ltb unless he is prepared to change and pay the majority of the bills.
Your own dh left you sat in your own home without one single present to open, whilst he and his dcs sat and opened presents in front of you- no he is not a good person.

You need to explain this to him! Unreasonable to expect you to fund half of a lifestyle/level of expenses that is suited to his wage but not yours. You can’t be going into debt and he should be contributing more because he has a much bigger pot to contribute from!

I’m shocked at the holidays! When was the last time you went on holiday together? Does he go separately? He’s on six figures and won’t pay for a holiday?

I think he's making you feel like crap. Sending you a hug

Marriage should be fair, this isn't. It's definitely financial abuse.

Are you saying you would have a child if you had more money? I was a bit confused here.

He might of earned and deserve his career but as his partner you deserve some consideration and not forced to struggle.

I would consider sitting him down and saying look I can afford christmas or children etc so we need to move. if it affects how he lives perhaps he might understand or step up? Wishful thinking though probably

Yes same, and my DH's daughters who I met when they were nearly adults either get me something small or get us a joint gift. It sounds like your DSS's are good people BUT they will have learned how to treat you from their father. Any decent man would have said to them to pick you up a little something (he could easily just give them the money or ask them to spend less on him) or do joint gifts so you wouldn't be left out. Honestly I suspect you're being treated more as an unpaid live-in housekeeper than a wife.

He has holidays with his hobby buddies couple of times a year Uk and abroad. We last went away together on honeymoon but I had to get a loan (now cleared) to pay for it as he wanted a top end luxury holiday. I felt crap then too as he unpacked his designer swim wear and I had my Primark bikinis.
Sorry I sound really downtrodden and ungrateful - I have a nice life it’s just writing it down makes me realise how skewed it is.

What on earth have I just read?!
The fact you both agreed to no presents is one thing but you do realise that he's financially abusive don't you?!
You haven't been on holiday because you can't afford it but he earns a 6 figure salary and he refuses to pay for your half and gets grumpy about it????? WTF?!
So you struggle at the end of the month while he's buying himself designer pants. NO, NO, NO!
You don't have children, so I'd pack a bag and leave the selfish fucker to himself. Seriously.

Why did you both want to get married? What have you gained? On the other hand you say you were together ten years before that so presumably the splitting costs was always in place.

I would have had children with my ex but several IVF failed. His boys are lovely no issues there.

You asked for no gift and that is what you got.

I think separate finances are not that uncommon esp in second marriages. Did you not discuss this before tying the knot? How much do you earn? How much is his income? Who owns the house? I think a lot depends on those as to how unreasonable anyone is.

This! Sorry you felt rubbish OP. Your DH is being selfish not to realise the financial disparity between you and the impact it has.

I actually think it's quite rude for his son not to get you anything tbh

I don’t want to get into debt but have a small credit card debt - mainly to help out at the end of the month.

And does he know about this debt, whilst he's squirrelling away money himself, out of his 6 figure salary, in savings and spending on luxury items & hobbies?

We have an agreement on my share of the house since starting to contribute (very small in comparison but protects me a little).

Can you elaborate on this please? Was this agreement legally drawn up, what does it entail exactly - ie what protection does it give you?

You had to get a loan to pay for your share of the honeymoon? You can’t be serious! Did you not query this at the time?

I don't think I've ever said LTB but...

He's horrid. Spending money whilst his wife struggles
Not going on holiday because you can't afford it

This is a really uncomfortable read OP and in your position, I would be assuming my husband didn't love me

could you go for a walk alone clewr yiur head and think of 5 things objectively you like or love about him?
Sounds like an utterly miserable marriage and existence are you going to waste the rest of your life like this?

You are being financially abused. Have you actually sat down with him and discussed this inequality? Spelled it out to him that you are in debt despite working all hours? Do you the majority of chores, cooking, 'life admin' as well?

In way is this marriage based on love and cooperation, and being a team?

If he proves himself to be as selfish and unreasonable as his behaviour up until now suggests, I would stop contributing to the bills and start planning my exit. AFAIK, the courts would take the years you lived together before marriage into consideration in determining your settlement. Take legal advice on this.

💐
hr Sounds awful OP. With the disparity he should be paying for most.

Did you get married in U.K. and is it a civil marriage? Because he sounds so mean and tight that I’m surprised he got married at all.

i think ppl are being Hard on DSS’s and holding them to a higher standard than their father.

Maybe they were told OP didn’t want gifts?

Seems this is a bigger issue, he earns more than you and yoh wish him to pay more than you and subsidise your living costs and for him to buy yoh a present but for yoh not to get him one.

you need to tell him this.