Page 3 | No gifts for me this year

FeelingMehMehMehMeh · 2023-12-26T00:34:09+00:00

Genuine opinions needed. DH and I agreed to not exchange gifts this year. Partly from my side as he’s impossible to buy for and partly because I don’t have much spare cash (separate finances). His children and employer gave him gifts. I don’t expect gifts from DSS’s (adults) and am happy they buy for DH. I have no other family so I got nothing. He got loads of nice thoughtful gifts. AIBU to feel a bit sad? The gifts he exchanged with his sons were really lovely and thoughtful but he didn’t think I might be left out?

HardcoreLadyType · 26/12/2023 07:30

I’m surprised you don’t buy your DSS anything at all. I disagree with a PP that these should be joint presents, because your DH will have a different relationship with them to you. But if you gave them something small, they would surely start to reciprocate (in future years).

The elephant in the room is the disparity between your finances and those of your DH. There are lots of reasons why married people might have separate finances, but your DH is quite well off, and you are struggling. It sounds like he is a bit mean with his money, frankly, but maybe I’m wrong.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/12/2023 07:33

You aren't in a partnership to me. Not really a marriage. I'd be far more worried about that than presents.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 26/12/2023 07:38

I can't imagine us not including step MIL when doing gifts and we don't even go there on Christmas! Things a tight this year as I'm on mat leave but we still sent a couple of nice joint gifts for them to open. Your DSSs are very rude imo.

CaineRaine · 26/12/2023 07:40

Two issues here, as others have said:

He stuck to what you agreed, you said you didn’t think through the implications of sitting there while he opened gifts from others but seemed to have unfairly expected him to have realised this.
Your finances sound odd and probably worth a discussion in the new year.

Original poster

FeelingMehMehMehMeh · 26/12/2023 08:02

He’s always bought for DSS’s x3 and they’ve always returned gifts although when children I used to buy a small token gift from them to him. I would never expect a gift from them as they are students/low earners.

We are not autistic (sorry if that is not the correct term) as far as I know.

He earns 6figures and I earn £32k but we do halves on everything including food and bills. So I’m pretty skint and knackered after the food shop. He always paid a good maintenance to ex wife but that’s stopped now they’re adults. I think he supports them a little now but as I say finances are not joint. He had a large inheritance a few years ago. As far as I know it’s sitting in an account earning a bit of interest.

He buys designer everything down to his pants and socks and has an expensive hobby. I just work my arse off. I’ve asked for some sort of joint agreement but its
never happened. We don’t have a holiday as I can’t afford to go and he won’t pay for me - he’s grumpy about this!

As I wrote this I realise the ridiculous situation.

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SunRainStorm · 26/12/2023 08:02

Aside from the financial issue- do you have other people in your life aside from DH?

Are you isolated? Are you able to make and see friends? Do you work? Do you have hobbies?

No judgment about any of it, but if you fill your life with other people and things then you won't be so dependent on what DH and his (rude) children do.

If DH prevents you from expanding your circle, in addition to the money issue - then I'd say you're in an abusive relationship.

Original poster

FeelingMehMehMehMeh · 26/12/2023 08:05

His boys are not rude, they’re lovely kids. Its just what we’ve always done.

I work long days and have a handful of close friends I see rarely as we’re all busy. We exchange cards but not presents.

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mycatsanutter · 26/12/2023 08:07

@FeelingMehMehMehMeh sorry but this is all so sad to read , he earns over £100k and bought you nothing and splits everything 50/50. You need to have a serious chat with him about how unfair this is , you are married not housemates! !

LynetteScavo · 26/12/2023 08:10

We don’t have a holiday as I can’t afford to go and he won’t pay for me - he’s grumpy about this!

This is not how I understand marriages to work.

Original poster

FeelingMehMehMehMeh · 26/12/2023 08:11

We are married but it’s 2nd marriage for both and so far a short one. I’m childless (not through choice) but never excelled in my career despite working hard. That’s not his fault of course. He did really well at work and feels he deserves his good wage and I agree he does. I’m not sure this entitles me to half his earnings but I would appreciate a fairer split to outgoings.

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SunRainStorm · 26/12/2023 08:11

Good god.

Divorce him and take half.

What a mean man.

Original poster

FeelingMehMehMehMeh · 26/12/2023 08:12

I wouldn’t be entitled to half on divorce.

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SunRainStorm · 26/12/2023 08:14

It's a short marriage but you've known adult DSC since they were small.

So you've been around for a long time?

If you're 50/50 on bills- are you 50/50 on cooking, cleaning and admin? I hope you didn't help him with child rearing or childcare when his children were small (the fact you were buying presents for them to give him makes me think you did).

What do you get out of this?

Consideringachange2023 · 26/12/2023 08:15

You did agree to not exchange gifts so I don’t think he’s unreasonable for not predicting that you’d feel bad and secretly buy you something …. However that backstory is concerning OP. You are married to someone who is financially secure (well more than secure) who will happily see you bust a gut working and insists on 50/50 despite you not having the same income, leaving you without even enough to be able to buy Xmas gifts….

The situation should not be 50/50 it should be proportional to your income or at least at a level where you are not left without any disposable income when he probably has thousands left a month?

This isn’t fair and it’s really concerning that your DH doesn’t seem to mind or care that this insistence on 50/50 leaves you in dire straits.

Perhaps you should consider what financial position you’d be left in if you divorced, he must have a decent pension and savings pot if he’s on 6 figures.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 26/12/2023 08:15

This isn't a marriage! Why on earth do you pay half when he earns so much more? I can't believe they all sat there exchanging gifts while you sat there like a plum, who the hell would do that? You are being financially abused and need to LTB.

WaltzingWaters · 26/12/2023 08:16

FeelingMehMehMehMeh · 26/12/2023 08:02

He’s always bought for DSS’s x3 and they’ve always returned gifts although when children I used to buy a small token gift from them to him. I would never expect a gift from them as they are students/low earners.

We are not autistic (sorry if that is not the correct term) as far as I know.

He earns 6figures and I earn £32k but we do halves on everything including food and bills. So I’m pretty skint and knackered after the food shop. He always paid a good maintenance to ex wife but that’s stopped now they’re adults. I think he supports them a little now but as I say finances are not joint. He had a large inheritance a few years ago. As far as I know it’s sitting in an account earning a bit of interest.

He buys designer everything down to his pants and socks and has an expensive hobby. I just work my arse off. I’ve asked for some sort of joint agreement but its
never happened. We don’t have a holiday as I can’t afford to go and he won’t pay for me - he’s grumpy about this!

As I wrote this I realise the ridiculous situation.

Why are bills split 50/50 when he earns way more than you. The problem is he’ll spend far more on nice food and not worry about using too much heating etc because he can afford it, whilst you can’t. It really doesn’t sound like a partnership at all. He sounds extremely selfish.
Whilst you pay half the bills, does he do half the household chores? Cooking, cleaning, laundry etc? I bet it’s not 50/50 where that is concerned is it?

As far as the gift, you agreed to no gifts so I wouldn’t be upset about that. But the bigger picture of this setup sounds awful and he sounds very cruel and selfish (as far as you are concerned at least).

ZombieGirl86 · 26/12/2023 08:18

YABU as you made this arrangement. But also My dh would of got me one regardless so yeah that's sad

TenThousandSpoons · 26/12/2023 08:19

This is financial abuse. He won’t pay for a holiday even though he earns 6 figures so neither of you go on one, and he’s grumpy about this? Urgh.

LTB.

PermanentTemporary · 26/12/2023 08:21

I've been married to a man who was earning multiples of my wage, and it was really difficult. I was on 16k and he was on 110k. He was nothing like as much of a mean wanker as your husband (sorry) but still it was hard. We split bills and spending in proportion to our wages but the truth was I couldn't really afford to do any of the things he liked doing, even if only paying a small percentage of them. I was financially much better off after we split because I could set my own priorities, buy second hand clothes etc.

If you stay with him, restart the marriage with a more equitable financial setup. Stop assuming he is better than you and that what he says goes. Have more rows (i bet you don't have any). Presumably you didn't force him to get married.

Or walk away with enough money to start a new life.

TypicalCoach · 26/12/2023 08:21

FeelingMehMehMehMeh · 26/12/2023 08:11

We are married but it’s 2nd marriage for both and so far a short one. I’m childless (not through choice) but never excelled in my career despite working hard. That’s not his fault of course. He did really well at work and feels he deserves his good wage and I agree he does. I’m not sure this entitles me to half his earnings but I would appreciate a fairer split to outgoings.

Politely but you sound absolutely run down and fed up.
You need to nip this in the bud and stand up for yourself the fact he is so spiteful as to not go on holiday as he would have to pay more than you shows what a divvy he is.
You either speak up now spend the rest of your life like this.

Also where in the UK do you live, I don't earn too much more than 32k and I'm never skint and can afford more than one holiday a year, I know your splitting bills bur are you living beyond your means e.g food Bills or doing things he can afford on his budget?

Original poster

FeelingMehMehMehMeh · 26/12/2023 08:22

We were together 10 years before marriage. I moved into his home after 7 years together and picked up half the living costs. Mortgage is low but council tax and bills are high. We have an agreement on my share of the house since starting to contribute (very small in comparison but protects me a little). Married 2 years. His boys lived with their mum and he saw them regularly so

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Original poster

FeelingMehMehMehMeh · 26/12/2023 08:23

Sorry hit send too early. Just finish to say I didn’t have any childcare responsibilities.

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ButterflyOil · 26/12/2023 08:24

Did your outgoings increase as well living with him for this 50/50 split?

mn29 · 26/12/2023 08:24

Personally we pool our finances but I understand that some people don’t. However, why is he so much better off than you? If he earns a lot more are you splitting expenses proportionately to your earnings? If he has a lot more but you split 50/50 then that’s not fair on you. I can understand your disappointment but voted yabu as you had agreed to no presents. I’d be more concerned about why he’s ok with you struggling financially while he has plenty.

Kitchenwitchery · 26/12/2023 08:29

He sounds incredibly selfish and uncaring. I think you need to figure out, probably with the help of a therapist, whether he's interested in and capable of changing or whether you need to end this marriage. I can't believe he thinks designer pants for himself are more important than helping out his own wife a little. Why do you say you wouldn't be entitled to much if you divorced? If I were you I'd go ahead and have a quiet chat with a solicitor now before you've decided what you want to do.