Having to do prayers on Christmas Day

[Fretfulmum]

DH is Christian and he and his family are quite religious- goes to church weekly etc. I’m not Christian and I don’t attend church or do anything religious, I’m pretty much an atheist. We hosted DH’s parents and siblings and partners today. His parents wanted to do prayers before Christmas lunch. I told DH I’m not happy about having to do it but just let them get on with it whilst I sat there. In the evening, they wanted to do more. I’d had enough and I left the room without saying anything and let them crack on with it. Half way through the DC (toddlers) realised I wasn’t there and left the room to see where I was so they missed some of it. DH was so angry with me that I didn’t partake as it was a “whole family unit” thing and it disrespected his whole family? Apparently I ruined the day and now he’s sleeping in the spare room. AIBU that’s it my house and if I don’t want to do religious prayers that I sit out and go into another room ?

The truth can sting!

Have you read the thread properly?

You're incompatible.

Why on earth did you marry an overtly religious man when you have no faith? You're just setting yourself up for all manner of trouble.

I'd say the same to your husband too.

I'm with you, OP. Considering praying in your house is not the done deal normally, the in-laws shouldn't have imposed this without prior discussion. That with them trying to convert you before would make me rethink ever inviting them over.
I would have a frank discussion with my husband and wouldn't be prepared to back down on this one. It's compromise enough to accept to expose kids to a religion that one doesn't believe in.

@BeaRF75 Try actually reading all of OP's posts. They expect her to hold hands and to participate and repeat words, and it goes on for FIVE MINUTES!!! She sat through the first lot. Just didn't want to do the second five minutes lot. That's all.

And, btw, it is HER house.

Except it's words written by random men, not 'the truth' - you are entitled to follow those words, of course.
As for stinging, nope, if anything it makes me partly sad that people use such horrible words (referring to someone as swine, for example) against people, and partly laugh because it's all so meaningless and, well, laughable.

I'm a Christian and we sometimes pray together as a family or with visitors but we're usually mindful if there's someone present who'd feel uncomfortable with that. One of us will usually say, 'we're going to pray...you're free to stay or disappear for a bit...whatever you want to do'.

So I personally think it's lovely your DH and his family wanted to do this (it is a Christian holiday) but he should have known this could be awkward for you and offered you the opportunity to sit or pop off elsewhere.

Having said all of that, 5 minutes really isn't that big a deal! Presumably they're praying for good things and giving thanks so even if you don't believe, it's not really an ordeal to listen to people express gratitude or pray for blessings/healing etc.

Either way, I think there should be compromise on both sides.

I am not religious. My husband came from a devout Catholic family who said prayers numerous times Christmas and otherwise at family gatherings in my home and theirs. Never did I leave the table nor would I. I think that was disrespectful and it wouldn't hurt you to sit quietly for 5 minutes. You don't have to pray or even listen to them. Just think your own thoughts. It is not a big deal and surely this has come up before?

I don't know if you understand this, but five minutes is MASSIVELY LONG for any prayer. It's not normal for even Christians.

And it's 10 minutes of praying and holding hands and reciting, all up! It's not the 20 second grace before meals. It's a major ten minute production!

Though it's clear OP and her husband are not compatible at all. I would not have that sort of carry on in my house, and I would tell my husband from now on that sort of praying is banned in my house. And, I would tell him he needs to apologise to me. I'd also tell him I won't be having his parents over for Christmas again. They've done their dash, they were very rude. Not surprising though, fundamentalist Christians are generally extremely rude and aggressive bullies in my experience. Tell them if they ever come over again they need to keep their belligerent religious ways to themselves as you 'do not do that in my home'.

You married a practicing Christian and Christmas (Christ’s Mass) is one of the most important religious days in the Church( second only to Easter).

YABU.

Participating in prayers won’t harm you: think of it as a moment for self-reflection or simply just peace and quiet. And I say that as a dedicated atheist. I go to church services every now and again to hear beautiful music and have some quiet reflective time in company with others. It’s very refreshing

Peace be with you.

It's also a pagan festival. I assume you would be happy to sit through and participate in various pagan ceremonies and recite pagan chanting on the day? It's only 5 minutes FFS.

It might be their Christian festival but it's not the OPs Christian festival or indeed the majority of the UK. It's just fucking christmas: where you eat too much and give the gift of Bayliss and Harding.

@WickDittington Try actually reading all of OP's posts. They expect her to hold hands and to participate and repeat words, and it goes on for FIVE MINUTES!!! It's not 'quiet reflection, peace and quiet', it's a major production. She sat through the first lot. Just didn't want to do the second five minutes lot. That's all.

My wife and I have different religions, how we handle kids and religions was discussed before marriage. (We all do everything). Did you not discuss years ago, it might have been obvious there was an issue very soon after you got married.

Oh fuck off. I’m absolutely sick of the consensus that just because someone does xyz that everyone else should too “out of respect”.

if they want to pray then they can. It’s absolutely fuck all to do with you. The same goes for every other tedious, dated, “tradition” novelty example you see on here. It’s infuriating. “You do you” needs to become more common.

Christmas is not Christ's Mass, it's a cultural holiday linked to christianity and other faiths.
Listening to evangelists harping on and wanting to hold your hands during this also isn't a moment for self reflection or peace and quiet.
If the visitors really had to pray they could have done it quietly (and succinctly).
Also, you can't wish peace on someone, as you have no control over that.

I’m yet to come across cultural festival that’s not linked to religion tbh. Do you mind elaborating further?

I think your DH slept in the spare room because he’s now realising the true impact of marrying a women who doesn’t share his faith on his desire to expose his kids to his faith. Does he attend church? Does he take the kids along?

It's very clearly superimposed on pagan festivals and whilst I agree the symbolism is as Christian as Easter, Easter is superimposed on a Pagan festival as well.

"Christmas" is about as Christian as the Easter Bunny, fir trees, chocolate eggs and eating Turkey.

Allowing a seasonal holiday and calling a day Christmas doesn't suddenly create a reality within which non Christians are forced to share their fantasy. Its like declaring a country safe for refugees, or donning a crown and telling the tide to go back to test your Kingship.

Sure, you might get some comfort from dabbling around the edges, but that's on you. Not everyone's comfort levels are the same and the non religious are often seen as fair game for the religious to push around. As we see here, not just in the OP scenario, but in some of the delightful contributions of some of the Christians chipping in.

What it boils down to is that for reasons genuine atheists didn't sign up to they don't get the right to say no, they don't even get the right not to participate or be respected. It peaks on days where Christians don't like to be disobeyed or be made to feel uncomfortable on by the mere prescense of those that dont believe, and can't keep it to themselves.

Taking away people's agency to decide for themselves on matters that affect them has a word. It's a word with a horrible and bloody history and has a unidirectional view of live and let live.

This practising Christian married a non believer, and isn't treating them with due respect. You might in such a situation advise being a doormat, but not everyone wants the boot print on the forehead that comes with.

Ugh.

Sitting through prayers and being respectful I would do when prayers are being conducted in places other than my home. I also sat through it respectfully at the dinner table for the sake of finding some thanks. The second prayers are not the normal prayer type you would expect, think West African preaching type where you have to chant after each line being spoken. I actively disagree with a lot of the words being spoken too.

I think many posters are correct in that it’s probably part of something bigger. DH knew exactly my thoughts before we married and I made a point to tell his family too so they understood before we married. DH hasn’t tried to impose anything on me before, but having slept on it, I think Christmas Day has made him realise how different our family life is to his siblings children and his upbringing and it’s got him questioning things. His parents also gave him a hard time yesterday for me and DC not participating so I suspect that’s where the anger has come from. The DC go to church about once or twice a month and I’m happy with that. That’s all that DH does religiously too, nothing at home. If he wants things to change, then I would also need to question this relationship.

Which denomination is it? Your description sounds like an extended school assembly. Hands together, head bowed 🙏

In reality, Christians pray how they’re comfortable. Sitting silently should be an acceptable way to pray. I don’t pray out loud in public, I just can’t do it. Do you mean they like you to say Amen? Or something like ‘Glory to God’? I can understand why you wouldn’t want to say these things and don’t think you’d be unreasonable to refuse.

I think though, like many have pointed out, you’ve married into a family of practising Christians. You weren’t a distant relative or accidental house guest, you’re his wife and you have children. Is there more back story? For example, did he become more religious post marriage? Or did you think you could some how turn him away from his faith?

I think listening to your husband pray for 5 minutes, at an important religious festival (to him) is quite a reasonable request. I’d have maybe compromised and said I’d listen but not join in. If you can’t do that, I’d be considering the long term impact on the marriage and ability to successfully co-parent.

OP it sounds like your husband grew up in a religious cult. Have you ever asked him whether he considers his family to be a bit extremist with the religion? Because his family sound really odd and really fundamentalist extremist. He needs to understand there is normal Christian, and then there is wackjob extreme which his family seem to be. I think he's brainwashed and you need to ask him if he ever considered that he has been brainwashed.

'I think listening to your husband pray for 5 minutes, at an important religious festival (to him) is quite a reasonable request. I’d have maybe compromised and said I’d listen but not join in. If you can’t do that, I’d be considering the long term impact on the marriage and ability to successfully co-parent.'

@Flora56

I think her listening to them praying already was enough. He married her knowing she didn't share his faith and so also has to accept that she doesn't want to take part in extended prayer like that!

Of course they'll be teaching that the man is the head of the house, which we all know is part of how religious oppression works.

Read OP's posts, @Longma . They expected her to actively participate and hold hands and to recite. And for TEN MINUTES (2 x 5 min sessions). They were not happy with her just 'sitting quietly'. They expected all of it.