Having to do prayers on Christmas Day

[Fretfulmum]

DH is Christian and he and his family are quite religious- goes to church weekly etc. I’m not Christian and I don’t attend church or do anything religious, I’m pretty much an atheist. We hosted DH’s parents and siblings and partners today. His parents wanted to do prayers before Christmas lunch. I told DH I’m not happy about having to do it but just let them get on with it whilst I sat there. In the evening, they wanted to do more. I’d had enough and I left the room without saying anything and let them crack on with it. Half way through the DC (toddlers) realised I wasn’t there and left the room to see where I was so they missed some of it. DH was so angry with me that I didn’t partake as it was a “whole family unit” thing and it disrespected his whole family? Apparently I ruined the day and now he’s sleeping in the spare room. AIBU that’s it my house and if I don’t want to do religious prayers that I sit out and go into another room ?

notahappybunny7 I am calm 😄 And you just repeated my point, but thanks 😂

YABU. You don't have to believe, just show respect by being there. In similar situations I use the time to sit quietly and contemplate (good luck doing that with toddlers around though!)

This may be a bigger issue going forward. My husband was a lapsed Catholic who in spite of family pressure agreed we would not get married in a Catholic Church and did not bring our children up with any religion at all. If you and your husband have opposing views how will that work with the DC?

@MrDirtyBear "donning a crown and telling the tide to go back to test your Kingship.

Hugely misunderstood story this. Poor old Canute.

not sure if you have had any negative experiences which make religious events uncomfortable or triggering for you?

if not, its pretty rude.
doesn't matter if someone is atheist, agnostic or has a different religious, when around others with a different faith, it is important to respect their traditions - especially on the one day of the year which is most important to them.

either way, you need to have an open discussion with your husband and find a way forward.

When people start praying, bowing heads etc when I'm in the room it makes me want to cringe. I find it hard to keep a straight face but usually just grit my teeth, adopt neutral expression and hope it ends quickly. But in my own house, I would probably busy myself with something else very important!

Why does she 'have to show respect' to something she doesn't believe in or to people who are not respecting her though?

it is important to respect their traditions - especially on the one day of the year which is most important to them.

My parents would see Easter as the most important time of the year in their faith. The group praying at someone else's house with non believers at Christmas really isn't usual in the Christian faith either, in my experience. And my parents go to a very evangelical church.

That's not to say they don't spend time in prayer, they do, just not in the circumstances mentioned.

I doubt most practising Christians in the UK these days pray at home as a family. The issue is that the family is very religious. They should obviously have discussed how the children would be raised beforehand.

YABU for being so stroppy about it now. What did you really expect when you marry someone whose faith is really important to them? Have you not had a Christmas with them before? Did you not discuss this beforehand?

he’s being a bit melodramatic by sleeping in the spare room but making a point of leaving for the sake of five minutes seems really childish imo.

way to tell your husband/his family “I have zero respect for something incredibly important to you”

Another 'hasn't read the thread properly' reply.

"Yes, I do think to some degree, you're right. DH's family really shouldn't try to flog a dead horse or throw pearls at swine."

This is such a nasty and unnecessary comment. Any religion that involves comparing people to swine and dead horses has already lost the moral high ground. It's like the religious equivalent of throwing a tantrum.

Ummmm no?

OP has admitted that it probably goes deeper - ie yeah they don’t like that husbands family or have any respect for their beliefs.

leaving before or during makes no difference when it’s obvious you’re leaving because you don’t want to be part of it

in laws do sound a bit taxing but still think it’s rude

Or have I missed something?

You can see all the OP contributions by following the link on any of her comments. Well worth doing to find out what you missed , and misread.

Well based on your other reply I'd say yes it seems you have.

@CostelloJones Try actually reading all of OP's posts. They expect her to hold hands and to participate and repeat words, and it goes on for FIVE MINUTES!!! It's it's a major production. TEN MINUTES all up! This isn't just your run of the mill grace before dinner of 20 seconds. She sat through the first lot. Just didn't want to do the second five minutes lot. That's all.

It's HER house. And her ILs were being rude and disrespectful to her, in her own home!

The fact she participated in the first lot of prayers, when it's her own damn home and she didn't have to, I think shows she met them more than half way and did her part. I would not have even allowed the major prayer production to go ahead in the first place. I think OP participating in the first block shows she's been more than fair.

Definitely not being unreasonable to refuse to take part

Firstly I do not think OP was being unreasonable - it is entirely her personal choice whether she decides to participate in (and to what level) a religion. We should all be grateful that we live in a country where we are all free to choose not to participate in a religion, or be forced to follow the majority religion and free to follow whatever religion of your choice.

Secondly I recognise that it is currently fashionable to criticise or ridicule those that follow Christianity in a way that would be very loudly shouted down if it was another religion or to conveniently ignore persecution of Christians abroad in a way they never would for another faith being treated in that way:

albaniandailynews.com/news/christmas-in-gaza---a-somber-affair

I think it is part of the self hate of the West that has become so popular in the last 40 years. That everything is some big capitalist conspiracy theory in which they try to tie in such diverse topics as climate change, Gaza , LGBQTIA+ etc as all being the fault of US and the UK in cahoots with big oil, weapons manufacturers and financial institutions. And criticise anyone who disagrees as either being naive, brainwashed or part of this intertwined global conspiracy whilst they see themselves as so jolly clever for having "worked it out" which is both amusing and pathetic.

It's ironic that the only reason such "useful idiots" can express or protest their nut job theories criticising the society they live in is because that same society allows them to do so. Whereas in countries / societies such as China such freedoms don't not exist but in any event such self loathing by citizens against their own country is not fashionable , instead they feel genuinely patriotic.

@1dayatatime I think you'll find some folk on here using biblical quotes against non-believers actually.

Nobody else has said that christians or any faith cannot pray, merely that they cannot force others to join in.

BINGO! Now where do I collect the prize for ticking off all the boilerplate reactions, culminating in the Alf Garnet envy of more reactionary states covering their thinly hidden desire to punish people who hold views that question their personal identity that they conflate as national identity; their ego being nation sized.

Do tell me its a bottle of baileys. I'll need it to keep stomaching this.

Yet again the mind boggles at why two people with such fundamental differences form a union.

Next it will be a thread about the children’s faiths, because it is almost inevitable you’ll be pulling in different directions when that time comes too 🤦🏾‍♀️.

Parents of any belief or none should teach about the existence of faiths but push none.

Of course we know many parents don't do that, and they simply indoctrinate.

@Fretfulmum

As per my previous post I absolutely do not think you were being unreasonable - it is a matter of your own personal choice.

However what I think got your DH so upset is that your young children then left the prayer session to come and find you. As I think you posted earlier you have fairly raised your children as somewhere in the middle between your DH and your own religious views and that they can make their own decisions when they are adults.

From your DH point of view by not being there, your DC (understandably) came to find you therefore preventing them from participating in the more religious side of your DH views and which he (understandably) sees as unfair. I can see your seemingly harmless decision can be interpreted from both sides.

Because it's good manners and considerate, and sometimes you have to go along to get along. You don't only show consideration to those who have shown it to you first. Do as you would be done by. Is sitting with your thoughts for a few minutes really such a hardship for you?