Having to do prayers on Christmas Day

[Fretfulmum]

DH is Christian and he and his family are quite religious- goes to church weekly etc. I’m not Christian and I don’t attend church or do anything religious, I’m pretty much an atheist. We hosted DH’s parents and siblings and partners today. His parents wanted to do prayers before Christmas lunch. I told DH I’m not happy about having to do it but just let them get on with it whilst I sat there. In the evening, they wanted to do more. I’d had enough and I left the room without saying anything and let them crack on with it. Half way through the DC (toddlers) realised I wasn’t there and left the room to see where I was so they missed some of it. DH was so angry with me that I didn’t partake as it was a “whole family unit” thing and it disrespected his whole family? Apparently I ruined the day and now he’s sleeping in the spare room. AIBU that’s it my house and if I don’t want to do religious prayers that I sit out and go into another room ?

Did you see me restructuring this to any specific gods or faiths?
I'm not stopping anyone praying, just not in my space. If they really have to pray that much then we won't be spending a day together.

In YOUR house, yes? 5 minutes of freeform prayer at your table? Fuck that noise.

My brother and wife are going to be at mine for New Years' Eve. They are v devout and say grace and pray in their home, and I take part in that I will hold hands during grace when I'm there. They don't pray publicly in my home, because they're guests. Maybe they know that I wouldn't have it.

I think your inlaws are rude and unpleasant people nd I think you have stored up a world of trouble for yourself by marrying into this family. I don't think you have had enough discussions about what your children's upbringing is going to look like. I don't think either of you really understand what you have taken on.

Grace at the table...fine. I wouldn't have joined in (athiest) but if that's what you want to do, then crack on, providing it wasn't too lengthy and my Xmas lunch was getting cold! 😉

More prayers later? Again, crack on and OP, I'd have done the same as you. I'd have left the room before it all started and left them to it. Toddlers are too young to understand the content and won't sit still (particularly with all the excitement from Xmas day) so to blame you for them leaving the room halfway through the prayers is ridiculous! Maybe he could have quietly allowed them to leave the room without making a bloody big huff about it.

You DH is a bit pathetic for sulking and sleeping in the spare room! I wonder if you have worse problems than praying, ahead of you.

Having read all your posts OP, it’s very odd that they would expect you to be involved in this way, particularly if you have a different religious background.

It’s one thing to sit through a quick Lord’s Prayer or Grace, another to be required to actively participate.

Reading between the lines, I suspect your DH has avoided discussing this honestly with his family, and he is coming face to face with the reality that you (and your children) aren’t just going to drift into being part of his family’s religious set up. His reaction is at best childish.

No, I wouldn't. I would not marry with someone whose beliefs are incompatible with my own.

This isn't a comparable situation though, as the OP knew that her husband follows Christ before she chose to marry him. Asking a Christian to pray to another God is different to asking a spouse with no faith to sit through a couple of 5 minute prayers on Christmas Day.

If one were to find this so offensive and unacceptable, why would they marry someone with faith?

In context, this really isn't a big deal.

I agree. You were celebrating Christmas - whatever you think about faith or Christiuanity, if you are such an ardent atheist WTF were you doing celebrating it at all? It's not like they suddenly converted in a surprise move minutes before Christmas day. It was rude and disrepectful to everyone else. If "saying prayers in YOUR house" (it's just yours, is it, your DH has no part of it?) is so morally repugnant to you then (a) you might have chosen a partner who wasn't a Christian, or (b) come to an agreement about a more mannered way dealing with such things, such as agreeing when paryers would be said in advance so you weren't modelling walking out in a strop when you don't like something, or even everyone else goes to the PIL for Christmas leaving your atheist ass at home on your own because you don't celebrate Christmas, do you (or only the parts you like?).

@Neriah "if you are such an ardent atheist WTF were you doing celebrating it at all?"

This really isn't the clever gotcha you think it is.

She isn’t being asked to sit through them, she’s being asked to participate in them. OP clearly doesn’t find his faith offensive or unacceptable, she just doesn’t feel comfortable practicing it herself.

OP’s DH knew she wasn’t a Christian when he married her - why is it okay for him to require her to pray?

They were very rude. They don't get to dictate behaviour in your home. If they want to pray they should do so discreetly with whoever wants to participate. You did the right thing by respectfully leaving. I would have done the same.

@yhk people can also find or lose faith.

(Unfortunately I think DH parents, maybe even DH, hoped they could bombard her enough to 'find' faith like theirs).

@Neriah not wanting to be part of something doesn't necessarily mean finding it morally repugnant though.

I also think you were rude to leave. What's so difficult about sitting through a prayer (on Christmas day of all days!)?

It wasn’t just sit through, it was hold hands and join in.

I’m a bit confused by some of the responses. Wouldn’t it be more Christian to want somebody to pray because they really believe, not just go through the motions, but nevertheless be grateful for their hospitality?

What's so difficult about not praying/holding hands or just doing one very short prayer in someone else's house?

OP had already sat through one set of prayers!

I do feel you were being unreasonable, OP. It's your husband's home as well as yours, prayers at dinner time are simply giving thanks, there's nothing wrong with that. Why are you so uncomfortable with it? You didn't need to sit there for long. I do think this will become problematic for you going forward if it's not sorted out though.

We agreed for DC to learn about both of our religions (although I’m not religious at all), and then they could choose what they want to do when they’re a bit old
But this is ridiculous. If you are not religious, why are you going to teach your children about something you do not believe in? Teach them about evolution not creationism. Teach them that it is a nonsense to believe in something that does not exist. Perhaps when they are old enough to stop believing in santa, you can explain that no-one lives in the sky, directing your life, causing war, domestic violence, subjugation of women, and extortion with menaces.

YABU and so is your husband, for not discussing his family tradition beforehand and agreeing on how to do it in your house.
You can't blame Christians for wanting to pray on one of the biggest Christian celebration of the year! And you choose to marry into a Christian family, you should respect that if it's important for them (personally I wouldn't have because it's important for me NOT to have anything to do with any religion).

You've got to sort it out with your husband because you're heading for more and more conflicts as your toddler grows!

In this case it sounds like they were giving thanks specifically to their god, and had already prayed, so this was forceful and unnecessary.

I think you need to re-read the OP’s posts. It sounds like quite a bit more was expected than just saying Grace.

@quisensoucie it's sensible to teach children that religion exists, that it comes in many forms, and that is important to lots of people, while also explaining why it's not something we believe personally.

In praying terms, five minutes of communal prayer is a lot.

My parents are practising Christians and very involved in their local church scene. I can never remember a time when they insisted the family sat through 5 minutes of prayers. They might say a short grace before a meal, but only ever at their house.

It's a bit odd, particularly at someone else's house. My brother is a very devoted Muslim but, again, didn't insist on us participating in anything specific to his religion yesterday (other than him having a separate meat dish).

Growing up in a religious family, lengthy prayers were done in private, not inflicted on non-believers who may feel uncomfortable (and a bit bored).

@quisensoucie Because understanding how other people live is a key part of the human experience.

These are the facts:

As an atheist, you resent his and his family's faith, which is fundamental to their lives (and was before you met them).

I think you were pointedly rude to him and his family.

Don't be surprised if your husband is seriously reconsidering how compatible you are. Faith is non negotiable and intrinsic, if you truly have it.

Would it really have killed you to sit quietly for five minutes and respect other people's devotions?

MIL is a Christian who likes to pray/offer grace before the Christmas meal. DH and I are both atheists. Yesterday she asked DH to give the grace, and he quietly offered some non-religious thanks, because he loves his mother and respects her beliefs even if he doesn't share them. And I sat quietly as I always do, because I also love and respect my MIL and it's hardly a lot to ask.

You think it’s rude for non-Christians to not engage in the practice Christianity?