Having to do prayers on Christmas Day

[Fretfulmum]

DH is Christian and he and his family are quite religious- goes to church weekly etc. I’m not Christian and I don’t attend church or do anything religious, I’m pretty much an atheist. We hosted DH’s parents and siblings and partners today. His parents wanted to do prayers before Christmas lunch. I told DH I’m not happy about having to do it but just let them get on with it whilst I sat there. In the evening, they wanted to do more. I’d had enough and I left the room without saying anything and let them crack on with it. Half way through the DC (toddlers) realised I wasn’t there and left the room to see where I was so they missed some of it. DH was so angry with me that I didn’t partake as it was a “whole family unit” thing and it disrespected his whole family? Apparently I ruined the day and now he’s sleeping in the spare room. AIBU that’s it my house and if I don’t want to do religious prayers that I sit out and go into another room ?

If Christmas wasn’t foisted upon us from childhood, and were it not a statutory holiday, I don’t think so many non-believers would practice it.

If only practicing Christians should mark the day in any way, then we should end forced participation in schools, and perhaps local councils could stop spending so heavily on celebrations.

Whether you like it or not, and likely due to it being imposed on everyone, there is now a large cultural element to Christmas which has nothing to do with marking Christ’s birth (see, for example, how very few ‘Christmas movies’ have anything to do with Jesus).

Its a bit rich to inflict practices on non-believers (presumably in an attempt to convert) then complain when they participate in them.

And I think the main reason that people reference the pre-Christian roots is precisely because the cultural aspects that they participate in (feasting, gifting, etc) are only nominally tied to Christianity. Christians do not own those practices.

Good luck getting the Christmas genie back in the bottle!

I'm guessing if you read atheist poetry or gave an atheist lecture at the dinner table, his family might also feel uncomfortable and want to leave.
I'm Christian and I think your DH was completely out of order for sulking like a child. Good luck with raising your DC together and answering their questions about religion.

@Meowandthen I don't know why you're getting so stroppy with me. I found your post ambiguous because of the way it was worded. I was asking if you were aware op was in her own home because it didn't sound like you realised that. I apologise if I've annoyed you but that was the reason for my query. No need to be combative.

Good luck getting the Christmas genie back in the bottle!

Quite!

The puritans tried to cancel Christmas- not sure it went very well!

It's all about respect and teaching your DS respect. Whilst you are an atheist you know your DH isn't and showing respect by sitting silently for 5 minutes is not a big ask. You were rude and are teaching your DC to be rude.

Why not read the OP’s posts first, then reply?

I did.

You might need to read the OP's updates. It will make a difference!

Then what has sitting quietly got to do with it?

The OP’s DH is demanding that she join in with the prayers/chanting.

Even in more religious times, it seems that people were too interested in having fun!!

On 19 December 1643, an ordinance was passed encouraging subjects to treat the mid-winter period 'with the more solemn humiliation because it may call to remembrance our sins, and the sins of our forefathers, who have turned this feast, pretending the memory of Christ, into an extreme forgetfulness of him, by giving liberty to carnal and sensual delights'. The rejection of Christmas as a joyful period was reiterated when a 1644 ordinance confirmed the abolition of the feasts of Christmas, Easter and Whitsun. From this point until the Restoration in 1660, Christmas was officially illegal.

So there you all go. 😂

I think you were rude. I'm not religious myself so when DH family pray I close my eyes and thank the universe for my healthy family.
I think what you did was especially strange because your children were there, so of course walking away was attention grabbing behaviour.

And what if your DH and his family demanded that you start chanting with them, particularly if you didn’t agree with the things you were being required to chant?

Assuming your husband doesn't do these prayers normally, he was being a real hypocrite. Tell him to think about that and stop sulking.

Atheist doesn't. Shock horror.

Why is it obvious that it means the world to OP's DH? He clearly doesn't do it normally, or this issue would have arisen a long time ago.

Yet another poster who does not bother to READ THE FULL THREAD. @Pieceofpurplesky Please read all of the OP's posts, not just the first one, in a thread with several pages. It was a ten minute (2 x 5 minutes) religious performance, and she wasn't allowed to 'sit silently', she was expected to hold hands, participate, recite and chant - THE WORKS. This wasn't merely saying grace, this was a full on production. Being silent was not an option. Her husband and inlaws showed no respect for HER. She already did the first prayer session. This is more than enough!

@Thepossibility READ THE FULL THREAD and ALL OP's posts! It was a ten minute (2 x 5 minutes) religious performance, and she wasn't allowed to sit silently, she was expected to hold hands, participate, recite and chant - THE WORKS. This wasn't merely saying grace, this was a full on production. She already did the first prayer session. This is more than enough! And she didn't 'walk away', if you bothered to read her posts you'd see she had been out of the room before they even started the second session. She didn't 'walk away' mid session.

For those saying walking out is attention grabbing, our house has multiple rooms and we walk in and out of them all day, so me getting up and walking out of one room would make no one notice, it is normal behaviour.

@NumberTheory this did make me think as I’m now suspecting that DH would like to be as religious as his upbringing and family are, but he knows that I wouldn’t be partaking and he doesn’t know how to handle this. He knows we will never have a family life like his siblings due to my non religious beliefs and maybe he regrets thinking he would be happy with our current set up. I also think him seeing his siblings and their partners and children yesterday all being “happy and religious together” has made him yearn for that. These are big assumptions and I could be wrong but I’m willing to bet my bottom dollar that I’m right. I’m going to let all this blow over and talk about it next week.

@Fretfulmum , while you’re about, notwithstanding that you don’t believe in any of it, it sounds as though there are parts of these prayers that you find particularly objectionable,
would you mind sharing what they are?

Could you describe the scene you imagine where a woman walking out of a room in her own home to go and do something else while her kids, their father and her PiL are there is attention grabbing behaviour?

Because I would expect millions of women did this over Christmas as they got Christmas dinner on or avoided a family Pictionary session. Were they all just attention seeking rather than getting on with chores or giving the people that wanted to do X the space to do it? I find it hard to imagine how it would be attention grabbing unless they loudly declared a dislike and flounced.

I’d assume there’s a big overlap between those posters who believe that a woman must actively worship whatever deity her husband tells her to and those who think a woman must be excused before leaving a room in her own house.

(Okay, or people who don’t properly read a thread before responding).

@Fretfulmum Has he said anything to you at all today? Is he still in the spare room tonight?

I could go for some of that, though quite value the somewhat shared expectations of a feast and a reason to decorate mid-winter.

Personally, I’d like to see the New Year celebration expanded and drop Christmas.

Your house, your rules your kids.
My religious parents have once or twice done a quick prayer when they are hosting, but tbh I think they've stopped because they probably feel awkward with us sitting there awkwardly. Both atheists.

They wouldn't dream of making me pray in my own house. We'll get god bless you, I'm praying for you messages, which, at some times seem annoyingly and downright insensitive we mostly just accept that's what they want to hear and part of their language. The odd religious book given at Christian festivals gets a polite thank you at the time and an eye roll or a giggle after they've gone. Unsurprisingly, children show zero interest in the books other than when they were very young and mostly wanted to eat them.

I haven't read the whole thread and I'm sure from your replies it's come up, but this is a husband problem, an in-laws boundaries problem and a values clash. It's not you.