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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas day "ruined" by nap

396 replies

Canonlythinkofthisone · 25/12/2023 20:39

DH works long hours and shifts. I also work full time in a high pressure role. We barely cross paths between work and childcare, and have a rare 2 days off together for Christmas. We have one DD who is still too young to "fully" understand Christmas (this is her 2nd).

I was in the throws of PPD last Christmas and effort was minimal, so this year I've put alot of effort into the day (just the 3 of us).

He did make it home last night in time for bedtime (just) and dragged himself out of bed this morning so we could all go and check if santa had been. We had a lovely morning opening presents etc and all was well.

I asked him to keep DD out from under my feet whilst I cracked on with dinner. Dinner was always planned for just after DDs usual tea time of 4.30pm.

DD appeared in the kitchen mooching for some interaction. Stuck my head in the living room and DH has nodded off.

Gently woke him and asked him to keep an eye on DD again whilst I was busy. He stropped that he was entitled to be tired, and took himself to bed for a nap.
This is a man who regularly works 12 to 16 hour days without a nap, and hasn't taken a sick day in over a decade, for fear of "letting people down".

DD was too young to eat with us last year so this year I genuinely was looking forward to us all sitting down together to eat, crackers, silly hats etc. This really rarely happens as normally its only one of us home at a time with her.

DH has just woken up. After a 6hour nap. I'm not even angry. I'm just really sad. Me and DD ate together at 5pm. She's now in bed after a busy day and a fat roast dinner.

He's tried "apologising" by asking why I didn't wake him. I pointed out it's not my responsibility to wake a grown man for his dinner, he got mardy. I told him I was really disappointed that he can work all the time and not nap/take any time off/leave early etc, so there's clearly people he doesn't mind letting down, meaning me and DD. Wasted money and food, and a rare opportunity to sit as a family and enjoy Christmas lunch.

He's now moping round the kitchen washing the pots after microwaving his Christmas dinner and eating on his own. I get that he was tired but I just feel really sad. DD has had a wonderful day, and as we never eat together anyway, knows no different, I just feel like of all the days to just make an effort to be present, today was it.

But maybe IABU.

OP posts:
FoxClocks · 26/12/2023 19:17

I think the reason OP didn't wake her dh was that for her the day was already ruined by him stroppily going off to bed whilst she cooked dinner and entertained dc. So she felt that even if she had woken him for dinner, it wouldn't have made her feel better. Maybe she is wrong about that and if he had been very nice and grateful for her efforts during dinner she would have felt better. On the other hand it doesn't sound certain he would have acted that way anyway.

Jack80 · 26/12/2023 19:17

It was your choice not to wake him, its awful you have missed out on a dinner but you can have many more

LumiB · 26/12/2023 19:19

To be honest both your work life balance aren't great its no surprising he needed a nap after getting so little sleep. Probably sleep deprived. Myabe for next year you work on that aspect for both of you so its better balanced.

43ontherocksporfavor · 26/12/2023 19:19

You should have woken him.

Crunchingleaf · 26/12/2023 19:21

So many posters saying she should have woken him up etc. When she did he threw a strop and went up to bed.
Some posters have incredibly low expectations in a partner. When both parents are at home it is not unreasonable to expect one parent keeps a toddler occupied so the other can cook without a toddler pulling out of them.

CHRIS003 · 26/12/2023 19:25

Canonlythinkofthisone · 25/12/2023 20:39

DH works long hours and shifts. I also work full time in a high pressure role. We barely cross paths between work and childcare, and have a rare 2 days off together for Christmas. We have one DD who is still too young to "fully" understand Christmas (this is her 2nd).

I was in the throws of PPD last Christmas and effort was minimal, so this year I've put alot of effort into the day (just the 3 of us).

He did make it home last night in time for bedtime (just) and dragged himself out of bed this morning so we could all go and check if santa had been. We had a lovely morning opening presents etc and all was well.

I asked him to keep DD out from under my feet whilst I cracked on with dinner. Dinner was always planned for just after DDs usual tea time of 4.30pm.

DD appeared in the kitchen mooching for some interaction. Stuck my head in the living room and DH has nodded off.

Gently woke him and asked him to keep an eye on DD again whilst I was busy. He stropped that he was entitled to be tired, and took himself to bed for a nap.
This is a man who regularly works 12 to 16 hour days without a nap, and hasn't taken a sick day in over a decade, for fear of "letting people down".

DD was too young to eat with us last year so this year I genuinely was looking forward to us all sitting down together to eat, crackers, silly hats etc. This really rarely happens as normally its only one of us home at a time with her.

DH has just woken up. After a 6hour nap. I'm not even angry. I'm just really sad. Me and DD ate together at 5pm. She's now in bed after a busy day and a fat roast dinner.

He's tried "apologising" by asking why I didn't wake him. I pointed out it's not my responsibility to wake a grown man for his dinner, he got mardy. I told him I was really disappointed that he can work all the time and not nap/take any time off/leave early etc, so there's clearly people he doesn't mind letting down, meaning me and DD. Wasted money and food, and a rare opportunity to sit as a family and enjoy Christmas lunch.

He's now moping round the kitchen washing the pots after microwaving his Christmas dinner and eating on his own. I get that he was tired but I just feel really sad. DD has had a wonderful day, and as we never eat together anyway, knows no different, I just feel like of all the days to just make an effort to be present, today was it.

But maybe IABU.

It sounds like your husband needs to slow down for the sake of his health - it sounds like the hours he is working are a bit much

Iconik · 26/12/2023 19:28

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ancientnames · 26/12/2023 19:28

mileend · 25/12/2023 20:41

You should have just woken him up.

This.

CandyLeBonBon · 26/12/2023 19:29

Jack80 · 26/12/2023 19:17

It was your choice not to wake him, its awful you have missed out on a dinner but you can have many more

She tried. Read the updates!

Babysharkdoodoodood · 26/12/2023 19:31

43ontherocksporfavor · 26/12/2023 19:19

You should have woken him.

And maybe you should rtft! She did try a further 2 times!

He's a lazy arse. A few years ago I was on nights Xmas eve and Day. Had a houseful of stepchildren as well as my own. I still managed to get up and cook a full Xmas dinner and a vegan dinner for 8 without whinging. Then went back to work until 7am.

The only thing that peed me off was the noise level from downstairs the next day so I made them go out for a nice bracing Boxing Day walk.

Buffs · 26/12/2023 19:31

The poor man sounds completely and utterly exhausted. Why didn’t you wake him for dinner?

CandyLeBonBon · 26/12/2023 19:32

Christ why is so universally accepted that a hard working man can slope off and absolve himself of familial responsibilities because he's tired, but a woman in the same position, is not only NOT able to do that, but also has to be fully responsible for their joint child, AND take on all the domestic labour and STILL be in the wrong because she didn't wake the man-baby up from his nap.

Fucks sake.

SOxon · 26/12/2023 19:36

a 6 hour sleep is not a nap simply because it takes place during the day -
what your husband did OP was remove himself, his sleeping away from you
is a symptom and not a cause

SOxon · 26/12/2023 19:38

ancientnames · 26/12/2023 19:28

This.

Show quote history

he didn’t want to be woken

LumiB · 26/12/2023 19:44

OP has said that he got home from his shift and the he did drag himself out of bed early to do the presents they had a lovely morning. So after a long shift sounds like he didn't get decent number of hours of sleep as he got up early for the presents.

OP also says this "He's normally fine with the hours, we both work long hours in tiring Jobs. He's especially tired at the moment as he has been up later even after getting home Friday and Saturday completing a piece of work."

So he is already extra tired and then has very little sleep again as he got up early I think it would take a huge effort not to fall asleep in the afternoon. No wonder it was 6hrs. I know I would be really struggling and if I was that tired even grumpy abit. Who doesn't get abit grump when they are exhausted.

I understand OP says just for one day maybe he could of managed it better but I still think its huge effort to expect your body to carry on sometimes when its exhausted.

At some point your body can't do anymore. And sounds like from what OP has said an already tired person was even more tired. I wonder how many people would of be able to stay awake.

RafaFan · 26/12/2023 19:45

If he's been working lots of hours it's probably just all that catching up with him now that he's got a couple of days off. We had several consecutive Christmases where one or both of us was sick for 2-3 days after working flat out (and "not having time to be sick") in the run up to Christmas. With the best will in the world, if someone is so knackered that they have a six-hour nap during the day, they're unlikely to have a great time if forced to stay awake.

Padget · 26/12/2023 19:48

Was in a similar but not identical situation.
for those saying you should have woken him up - what if she wanted to nap too? I was tired yesterday; having done all the Christmas prep (for the last few months) and been up early (because I’d rather be showered/dressed and ready for the day so the kids can have their Xmas day straight away) but dinner was cooking, kids needed looking after as usual - I had no choice but stay awake and sort everything out so the kids had a good day. And I have to be a mum to a grown adult and wake him from his nap so he gets his Christmas dinner? Ick

Fancycheese · 26/12/2023 19:49

CandyLeBonBon · 26/12/2023 19:32

Christ why is so universally accepted that a hard working man can slope off and absolve himself of familial responsibilities because he's tired, but a woman in the same position, is not only NOT able to do that, but also has to be fully responsible for their joint child, AND take on all the domestic labour and STILL be in the wrong because she didn't wake the man-baby up from his nap.

Fucks sake.

Absolutely this. Some incredibly disappointing responses on this thread. Most sanctimonious commenters also have not RTFT!

MintyfreshSW · 26/12/2023 19:54

No, he shouldn’t have gone to bed and for one day he should have sucked it up. But he did, and OP seemed in her post more upset at eating dinner alone THAT is what I would have woken him up for.
there’s obviously deeper things going on here about expectations on childcare and work life balance etc.

maddiemookins16mum · 26/12/2023 19:56

olympicsrock · 25/12/2023 20:46

It’s understandable that you are both exhausted . It’s ok for him to have a nap but why the hell didn’t you wake him for Christmas dinner. Sorry but you were a martyr.

This. You could have woken him, I think you just left him so you could be mardy about it.

Caththegreat · 26/12/2023 19:57

She's 2 for gods sake.stop pressurising the Man.

MikeRafone · 26/12/2023 19:59

this is time travel back to the 1960s isn't it

LaDamaDeElche · 26/12/2023 20:10

YANBU. You work in a high pressure job and am sure are tired too, you asked him to parent his child while you cooked Christmas dinner, but he went to sleep instead leaving it all to you. I really don’t get the people saying he’s tired and entitled to a nap while you do everything. I’d be pretty deflated too in your situation. He could have had a few coffees and got on with the day like you had to.

AllIsWellish · 26/12/2023 20:11

Caththegreat · 26/12/2023 19:57

She's 2 for gods sake.stop pressurising the Man.

What? 😏

Friedfriedplantain · 26/12/2023 20:14

Buffs · 26/12/2023 19:31

The poor man sounds completely and utterly exhausted. Why didn’t you wake him for dinner?

awwww poor MAN.

everything is so much more difficult with a penis apparently.