Christmas day "ruined" by nap

[Canonlythinkofthisone]

DH works long hours and shifts. I also work full time in a high pressure role. We barely cross paths between work and childcare, and have a rare 2 days off together for Christmas. We have one DD who is still too young to "fully" understand Christmas (this is her 2nd).

I was in the throws of PPD last Christmas and effort was minimal, so this year I've put alot of effort into the day (just the 3 of us).

He did make it home last night in time for bedtime (just) and dragged himself out of bed this morning so we could all go and check if santa had been. We had a lovely morning opening presents etc and all was well.

I asked him to keep DD out from under my feet whilst I cracked on with dinner. Dinner was always planned for just after DDs usual tea time of 4.30pm.

DD appeared in the kitchen mooching for some interaction. Stuck my head in the living room and DH has nodded off.

Gently woke him and asked him to keep an eye on DD again whilst I was busy. He stropped that he was entitled to be tired, and took himself to bed for a nap.
This is a man who regularly works 12 to 16 hour days without a nap, and hasn't taken a sick day in over a decade, for fear of "letting people down".

DD was too young to eat with us last year so this year I genuinely was looking forward to us all sitting down together to eat, crackers, silly hats etc. This really rarely happens as normally its only one of us home at a time with her.

DH has just woken up. After a 6hour nap. I'm not even angry. I'm just really sad. Me and DD ate together at 5pm. She's now in bed after a busy day and a fat roast dinner.

He's tried "apologising" by asking why I didn't wake him. I pointed out it's not my responsibility to wake a grown man for his dinner, he got mardy. I told him I was really disappointed that he can work all the time and not nap/take any time off/leave early etc, so there's clearly people he doesn't mind letting down, meaning me and DD. Wasted money and food, and a rare opportunity to sit as a family and enjoy Christmas lunch.

He's now moping round the kitchen washing the pots after microwaving his Christmas dinner and eating on his own. I get that he was tired but I just feel really sad. DD has had a wonderful day, and as we never eat together anyway, knows no different, I just feel like of all the days to just make an effort to be present, today was it.

But maybe IABU.

You should have woken him up - I think you were being a bit of a martyr and not giving him the chance to do anything about it.
People fall asleep - I do - and he probably didn't realise how tired he was

Agreed. Poor guy. I fell asleep on Christmas day too - luckily in the early evening. For around 3 hours. I intended to just close my eyes for a second. If my husband hadn't woken me up, I reckon I'd've slept right through! Family wasn't annoyed - they felt bad for me having been so exhausted.

What a bastard. Fancy working long hours to support your family. Selfish git It's a two income household. The OP also works long hours and has a high pressure job. Did you miss that part?

@SerenChocolateMuncher What a bastard. Fancy working long hours to support your family. Selfish git.
Ah I see your problem. You didn't read the bit where the OP states she works full time in a high pressured job and has done all the organising and work for Christmas whilst looking after a small child whilst dh takes a 6 HOUR NAP. Yes yes. What a hero he is. Absolute prince.

Please stop accusing OP of being a martyr, she’s explained more than once that she tried to wake him throughout the afternoon but he was too tired/sluggish to be roused.

Her question was whether it’s ok to feel sad (not even angry, which I certainly would have been!) that their cosy family Christmas turned into her cooking while looking after their child while he slept all day, and of course that’s a completely valid emotion to feel when the mutually agreed plan got thrown out the window.

They both work hard, they’re both exhausted, but by her husband sleeping all afternoon he not only allocated her the default role of cook and parent without any discussion but also robbed her of any opportunity for her to have a bit of well earned rest too. Someone had to cook and look after their daughter, OP was left doing both, without the family time she’d looked forward to, which made her feel sad, but somehow mumsnet has cast her in the role of the villain who chose to be a martyr - please tell me I’m not the only one who sees what a ridiculous double standard that is?! As mums we need to support each other and validate each other’s feelings and experiences, and frankly as a society we need to start having a slightly higher bar for the level of co-parenting we expect from fathers.

OP, well done for managing to make Christmas lovely for you and your daughter despite ending up solo parenting, and I have huge admiration for your grace in not having a row with your husband about it when he eventually woke up.

And you missed the bit where OP says OH has been doing 12 to 16br shift work and working even more on fri, sat and Sunday and then after long shift got up early to have a lovely morning opening presents. You also ignore the bktnwhrre she acknowledges her OH is already tired before Xmas day, more than usual she said.

So he had been working really long hours, had little sleep and got up early to see DD open her presents. Why on earth did you not eat at lunchtime and then he could have slept after?

Weird time to eat Christmas dinner

He works 12 to 16hr days. No wonder he's absolutely exhausted. Why's he working so many hours? Is it by choice or necessity?
No, it's not your responsibility to wake him. But you are being unreasonable to be off with him when he slept for so long and you presumably chose not to wake him. He's probably just as annoyed/sad that he missed out on the celebrations.
This isn't a Christmas day problem, it's a problem with your husband's job.

Sometimes when you get a rare day off you just collapse with exhaustion because the adrenaline drops. I think it’s fine to be pissed off about the nap and not helping you but you should have woke him up

also he clearly is exhausted maybe a review of work life balance convo needs to happen x

What @Worntounravelling said!

I do have sympathy for your hectic clashing work schedules, but people generally don't have an internal alarm clock that wakes them up from a nap when their dinner is ready, why did you assume that you didn't need to wake him? I feel you're being a bit harsh on him saying that he manages to work long days and not take naps so why would he choose Christmas Day to take one. He's not done that on purpose, OP. He's done it because his adrenaline has stopped and he's exhausted. He feels he can finally relax, and his body's reacted naturally and fallen asleep. I'm sure he wouldn't have minded you waking him to eat together. Maybe HE feels sad that you ate without him?

There's some twaddle on this thread but this post takes the biscuit

Op tried to wake him. More than once.

Is he ill? I've got a horrific virus at the minute and all I want to do is sleep.

Bloody hell!

Your husband is exhausted after shift work and you are mean and passive aggressive to him because he’s knackered? Did I get that right?

Poor guy.

Is this a sarcastic piss take comment? I really hope so. Why would OP end up a 'single mum on a council estate'? She actually has a very high pressure tiring job also that she holds down while she does everything else AND looks after the child. She's not sitting on her bum drinking tea? FFS he's a grown man that needs to get himself a new job if he can't get himself together for one day. Yes he's tired but I'm sure she is too. He's not showing her how grateful he is got everything she does for the family. Can I also point out you've just assumed he's the higher earner when very likely to be OP
And just to add you sound so bloody condescending talking about council estate mums

As someone who naps far too often, I can see his side of not understanding why you're upset as sometimes it is just a basic need that cannot be helped, especially if he has been doing even more hours than normal he will have literally crashed and burned. I do understand when you say you tried to wake him and he just groaned and ignored you as I've also been on the receiving end of that. But I just don't think he'd have done that purposely, sometimes you get so tired you've literally no idea. I'd say cut him some slack, explain how you feel and why without blaming him. Maybe say to him I'd appreciate a day where you take on a bit more of the slack and let me enjoy a break? As I say, I get where you are coming from but I don't think he's necessarily in the wrong here.

No the woman does have an option to sit down and discuss with their partner how to get a better balance. 🙄 and then if that doesn't happen there are other options.

YABU.

Why are women always responsible for family commitments??? He obviously has an alarm on his phone and it’s Christmas fecking day, why can’t he own his family life and show up for that??! But no, women must always make sure it works, no wonder we never move forward when we’re quite happy to pass the
buck. Well of course the op should’ve woken him up, like he’s a teenager. Would it ever happen the a bloke would be expected to get his female partner up for Christmas lunch - not likely. So bloody over it with women being responsible for every life event

For Christ’s sake. How puerile. Instead of waking him after an hour or 2, you let him sleep in order to have a strop about it.

Grow up.

Did you huff off in a strop when they woke you up, then take yourself for a longer nap then keep going back to sleep despite being woken for dinner again twice? No. You actually had the proper response. Having a nap is fine, a 6 hour one is not when you have a child and your wife has asked you to be a parent while they cook

You should have woken him, you've cut your own nose off to bite your face a bit imo. I feel asleep knackered on xmas day, albeit after doing everything including cooking dinner but it's Christmas and usual rules don't apply.

I feel a bit sorry for the man, sorry.

FFS how many people can't read the other replies or actually the first one. She did wake him up, he then went up in a strop to bedbfor another nap, she then tries to wake him for dinner and he kept going back to sleep. He's not a bloody child, he knows how to use an alarm

It sounds like you are both understandably tired and worn out.i totally get why you we’re disappointed but in hindsight you should have woken him rather than let your annoyance spoil the rest of the day (speaking from experience of someone who doesn’t that too often). I’m sure he didn’t mean to sleep that long. I hope you were able to enjoy some family time today or soon.

edit: sorry I missed your updates. Definitely more annoying if you tried and tried reasonably hard to wake him