Page 14 | Christmas day "ruined" by nap

Canonlythinkofthisone · 2023-12-25T20:39:06+00:00

DH works long hours and shifts. I also work full time in a high pressure role. We barely cross paths between work and childcare, and have a rare 2 days off together for Christmas. We have one DD who is still too young to "fully" understand Christmas (this is her 2nd). I was in the throws of PPD last Christmas and effort was minimal, so this year I've put alot of effort into the day (just the 3 of us). He did make it home last night in time for bedtime (just) and dragged himself out of bed this morning so we could all go and check if santa had been. We had a lovely morning opening presents etc and all was well. I asked him to keep DD out from under my feet whilst I cracked on with dinner. Dinner was always planned for just after DDs usual tea time of 4.30pm. DD appeared in the kitchen mooching for some interaction. Stuck my head in the living room and DH has nodded off. Gently woke him and asked him to keep an eye on DD again whilst I was busy. He stropped that he was entitled to be tired, and took himself to bed for a nap. This is a man who regularly works 12 to 16 hour days without a nap, and hasn't taken a sick day in over a decade, for fear of "letting people down". DD was too young to eat with us last year so this year I genuinely was looking forward to us all sitting down together to eat, crackers, silly hats etc. This really rarely happens as normally its only one of us home at a time with her. DH has just woken up. After a 6hour nap. I'm not even angry. I'm just really sad. Me and DD ate together at 5pm. She's now in bed after a busy day and a fat roast dinner. He's tried "apologising" by asking why I didn't wake him. I pointed out it's not my responsibility to wake a grown man for his dinner, he got mardy. I told him I was really disappointed that he can work all the time and not nap/take any time off/leave early etc, so there's clearly people he doesn't mind letting down, meaning me and DD. Wasted money and food, and a rare opportunity to sit as a family and enjoy Christmas lunch. He's now moping round the kitchen washing the pots after microwaving his Christmas dinner and eating on his own. I get that he was tired but I just feel really sad. DD has had a wonderful day, and as we never eat together anyway, knows no different, I just feel like of all the days to just make an effort to be present, today was it. But maybe IABU.

Hyppogriff · 26/12/2023 22:10

You should have woken him up - martyr-ish behaviour and really also cut off your nose to spite your face - what’s the point ?

Shinealight9 · 26/12/2023 22:11

AhBiscuits · 25/12/2023 20:43

You should have woken him up. Why didn't you? You ruined your own day by stubbornly not waking him up because 'you shouldn't have to'.

Definitely this. Falling asleep was probably due to relaxing for the first time in ages. Accept the apology and move on 👍

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 26/12/2023 22:15

No pun intended, but you made your bed with this one.

Completely agree that you should have woken him. Of course he doesn't think it's 'OK' to let down you and DD, he's just in his home where he can be himself and relax a bit. Have you considered how much his dedication to work is worth and that he probably considers it a sacrifice to help ensure financial security for you and the family? And you've thrown that back at him. It's a bit childish and unkind, I think.

surreygirl1987 · 26/12/2023 22:20

Did you huff off in a strop when they woke you up, then take yourself for a longer nap then keep going back to sleep despite being woken for dinner again twice? No. You actually had the proper response. Having a nap is fine, a 6 hour one is not when you have a child and your wife has asked you to be a parent while they cook

Actually, my husband says he tried to gently wake me a couple of times but I just muttered something and went back to sleep. I probably would have slept for 6 hours or more if he hadn't woken me properly eventually! If I was supposed to look after my kids, I'd have felt bad, but be really confused why my husband didn't just wake me up!

LaDamaDeElche · 26/12/2023 22:24

No the woman does have an option to sit down and discuss with their partner how to get a better balance and then if that doesn't happen there are other options Thread after thread on here show you that women overwhelmingly take on the mental load, more childcare, more household responsibilities, are the organisers of family/traditional events, present buyers and also work and contribute to the household finances. Stop making excuses for men not stepping up the way women are expected to. If you have kids that's what you have to do, both of you equally. Men aren't children and women shouldn't be expected to keep having conversations with them to establish a balance. That's just adding to the already heavy mental load that so many women have to deal with. You can't just check out of parenting on Christmas Day, no matter how tired you are, and you shouldn't need another adult to sit you down and discuss that with you. It is something most adults know without it having to be explained to them.

Original poster

Canonlythinkofthisone · 26/12/2023 22:30

Crikey
There's been alot more replies on here today than I was expecting 😅😅 some are absolutely batshit. And some are lovely thank you. Too many to reply to individually though so sorry.

Few points:
he does get days off...3 a week in fact so one more than me. We just don't get time off together often, and the days he does do are long.
No he's not ill.
I do childcare evenings and weekends, but he does mornings/lunchtime so he is capable of spending time with his DD
I didn't not try (a FOURTH TIME) to wake him because he obviously needed his sleep and figured he'd still be out of it if I forced it. Was kind of over it after a couple of hours tbh.
He went to bed at 11pm on Xmas eve, up at 7am, hardly sleep deprived. I said he made it home for our DDs bedtime, not his bedtime 😆
4/5 is when DD eats tea and we had agreed to do it a bit later as we had a nice leisurely morning without hopping straight into the kitchen, maybe TOO leisurely.

Anyway

We've been back from my parents for a couple of hours now (where we all sat and ate dinner together) he didn't slope off for a nap either. #success

For those who actually read all my updates, you'll see this was all put to bed last night. There was no stropping or arguing, just a conversation, because despite his daytime sleep habits, we are actually adults in a functioning relationship.

This morning we sat down with a coffee before heading out and he apologised again (unprompted as we had already talked it through), but he wanted to make sure I knew he was remorseful because he understands why I felt a bit sad. He did try and show me his set alarm and then realised he'd set it for Saturdays only.

I've read out some of the replies to him and he thinks some of you are a bit bonkers, but some of you are spot on. I'll let you all figure out which camp is which.

I hope you've all had a fabulous boxing day, thanks for the whirlwind of replies, it's been a blast, now I'm off for a mince pie or 2.

OP posts:

Esgaroth · 26/12/2023 22:31

YANBU, when you have a young toddler that needs supervision for all of their waking hours, you absolutely cannot clock off from that without agreement from the other parent or making other arrangements.

Looking after the toddler is an essential job. It's not like normal housework or even cooking Christmas dinner. Someone absolutely has to do it. You couldn't both be asleep even if you'd wanted to be because she was awake. He knows that. He knew he was giving you that job on top of the other jobs and he knew that you hadn't agreed to that, that it was supposed to be his job. He didn't care.

To me that is incredibly shitty and disrespectful behaviour on any normal day. The fact it was Christmas Day and he couldn't even be bothered to join in to eat the bloody dinner he hadn't help cook takes the biscuit.

DarkwingDuk · 26/12/2023 22:32

If I’ve learnt anything about mumsnet it’s - don’t come here expecting reasonable responses to reasonable expectations…

It is perfectly reasonable to expect a grown man to be a PARENT for one day. We are all bloody tired, we all have difficult days, we could all do with a nap whenever we fancy one — but once you are a parent your priorities need to change.

You've every right to be disappointed that your daughter was in the kitchen instead of having a playmate who was focused on her and a special dinner with BOTH her parents which she rarely gets.

It is reasonable to be disappointed - you’re not angry, there were no rows. I don’t understand why this site is so against people having feelings.

CandyLeBonBon · 26/12/2023 22:36

Canonlythinkofthisone · 26/12/2023 22:30

Crikey
There's been alot more replies on here today than I was expecting 😅😅 some are absolutely batshit. And some are lovely thank you. Too many to reply to individually though so sorry.

Few points:
he does get days off...3 a week in fact so one more than me. We just don't get time off together often, and the days he does do are long.
No he's not ill.
I do childcare evenings and weekends, but he does mornings/lunchtime so he is capable of spending time with his DD
I didn't not try (a FOURTH TIME) to wake him because he obviously needed his sleep and figured he'd still be out of it if I forced it. Was kind of over it after a couple of hours tbh.
He went to bed at 11pm on Xmas eve, up at 7am, hardly sleep deprived. I said he made it home for our DDs bedtime, not his bedtime 😆
4/5 is when DD eats tea and we had agreed to do it a bit later as we had a nice leisurely morning without hopping straight into the kitchen, maybe TOO leisurely.

Anyway

We've been back from my parents for a couple of hours now (where we all sat and ate dinner together) he didn't slope off for a nap either. #success

For those who actually read all my updates, you'll see this was all put to bed last night. There was no stropping or arguing, just a conversation, because despite his daytime sleep habits, we are actually adults in a functioning relationship.

This morning we sat down with a coffee before heading out and he apologised again (unprompted as we had already talked it through), but he wanted to make sure I knew he was remorseful because he understands why I felt a bit sad. He did try and show me his set alarm and then realised he'd set it for Saturdays only.

I've read out some of the replies to him and he thinks some of you are a bit bonkers, but some of you are spot on. I'll let you all figure out which camp is which.

I hope you've all had a fabulous boxing day, thanks for the whirlwind of replies, it's been a blast, now I'm off for a mince pie or 2.

Well done op. Glad you've reached a resolution and happy Boxing Day

Chaos86 · 26/12/2023 22:37

You should’ve woken him up. Ok so he fell asleep… you yourself said that he works long hours, rarely taking a break so it’s no wonder that the second he relaxed he nodded off. It was his Xmas day too, both of you deserved to do what you wanted and not waking him up was fully unreasonable and unfair, he’s now missed out too just because he put your back up.

I get it, parenting and relationships are hard but I think you really need to pick your battles and this wasn’t one that should’ve been had.

Original poster

Canonlythinkofthisone · 26/12/2023 22:38

DarkwingDuk · 26/12/2023 22:32

If I’ve learnt anything about mumsnet it’s - don’t come here expecting reasonable responses to reasonable expectations…

It is perfectly reasonable to expect a grown man to be a PARENT for one day. We are all bloody tired, we all have difficult days, we could all do with a nap whenever we fancy one — but once you are a parent your priorities need to change.

You've every right to be disappointed that your daughter was in the kitchen instead of having a playmate who was focused on her and a special dinner with BOTH her parents which she rarely gets.

It is reasonable to be disappointed - you’re not angry, there were no rows. I don’t understand why this site is so against people having feelings.

Haha too true. Think I just needed a little outlet last night and its blown up spectacularly. I particularly like the reply from a poster suggesting I'd be a council estate single mum if I didn't let him nap, yet I earn twice what he does but sure. 🤣 sometimes I forget how crazy mumsnet is.

And you're absolutely right, there were no rows, that really would have ruined Christmas, and it's not worth actually falling out over.

OP posts:

LumiB · 26/12/2023 22:45

LaDamaDeElche · 26/12/2023 22:24

No the woman does have an option to sit down and discuss with their partner how to get a better balance and then if that doesn't happen there are other options Thread after thread on here show you that women overwhelmingly take on the mental load, more childcare, more household responsibilities, are the organisers of family/traditional events, present buyers and also work and contribute to the household finances. Stop making excuses for men not stepping up the way women are expected to. If you have kids that's what you have to do, both of you equally. Men aren't children and women shouldn't be expected to keep having conversations with them to establish a balance. That's just adding to the already heavy mental load that so many women have to deal with. You can't just check out of parenting on Christmas Day, no matter how tired you are, and you shouldn't need another adult to sit you down and discuss that with you. It is something most adults know without it having to be explained to them.

Why are you making this about womens mental load. Kts about one day, OP has clearly explained she knew her husband was more tired than usual from working extra long days ...why do you keep ignoring that fact. You think a person should be super human and suck it up of a body is exhausted you can't keep you eyes open. 6hrs isn't a nap thats almost a full night's sleep! A nap is generally considered about an hour or less.

End of the day he works shift work not thr same hours every day ot messes with your sleep. You also chose to ignore that fact.

Why don't you try it and see if you can stay awake.

I'm not saying op is wrong to be disappointed but seriously if you know someone is already tired than normal surely you owild readjust plan have good at lunchtime and manage expectations better.

Thehappygardener · 26/12/2023 22:47

I feel sorry for your husband. You SHOULD have woken him up IMO.

I once slept for nearly 22 hours after a week of night duty. I got to my friends at 4 pm, went for a short nap before dinner, but then slept till 2 pm the following day. I missed dinner, and Sunday lunch. They didn’t wake me up till it was nearly time to go home! I didnt intend to sleep that long. I was so disappointed.

Be kind to your husband, he may well be mortified, as I was .

Worntounravelling · 26/12/2023 22:50

Canonlythinkofthisone · 26/12/2023 22:30

Crikey
There's been alot more replies on here today than I was expecting 😅😅 some are absolutely batshit. And some are lovely thank you. Too many to reply to individually though so sorry.

Few points:
he does get days off...3 a week in fact so one more than me. We just don't get time off together often, and the days he does do are long.
No he's not ill.
I do childcare evenings and weekends, but he does mornings/lunchtime so he is capable of spending time with his DD
I didn't not try (a FOURTH TIME) to wake him because he obviously needed his sleep and figured he'd still be out of it if I forced it. Was kind of over it after a couple of hours tbh.
He went to bed at 11pm on Xmas eve, up at 7am, hardly sleep deprived. I said he made it home for our DDs bedtime, not his bedtime 😆
4/5 is when DD eats tea and we had agreed to do it a bit later as we had a nice leisurely morning without hopping straight into the kitchen, maybe TOO leisurely.

Anyway

We've been back from my parents for a couple of hours now (where we all sat and ate dinner together) he didn't slope off for a nap either. #success

For those who actually read all my updates, you'll see this was all put to bed last night. There was no stropping or arguing, just a conversation, because despite his daytime sleep habits, we are actually adults in a functioning relationship.

This morning we sat down with a coffee before heading out and he apologised again (unprompted as we had already talked it through), but he wanted to make sure I knew he was remorseful because he understands why I felt a bit sad. He did try and show me his set alarm and then realised he'd set it for Saturdays only.

I've read out some of the replies to him and he thinks some of you are a bit bonkers, but some of you are spot on. I'll let you all figure out which camp is which.

I hope you've all had a fabulous boxing day, thanks for the whirlwind of replies, it's been a blast, now I'm off for a mince pie or 2.

I’m glad it’s all resolved OP, and very relieved that your husband had a more rational and empathetic response than mumsnet!! It sounds like you have a very healthy dynamic in your relationship. Happy Boxing Day!

pollymere · 26/12/2023 23:00

I fell asleep on the sofa. My DH delayed cooking dinner until I'd woken up. We ended up eating it buffet style on the coffee table as I felt wiped out. I've learnt that having expectations of how things should be frequently results in disappointment. I feel bad that I was clearly not up to having the Christmas Day we'd planned. I had Covid last year so it's the second Christmas in a row I've not made it to the dining room. Your DH was clearly shattered so don't be too hard on him.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 26/12/2023 23:02

I know you said you tried to wake him - but IMO if he normally works 12-16 hours and you couldn't wake him then it's highly likely he actually needed it. And yeah, you could have just put the baby on him while you dished up, don't really understand why you didn't.

Inthebitterend · 26/12/2023 23:04

Chaos86 · 26/12/2023 22:37

You should’ve woken him up. Ok so he fell asleep… you yourself said that he works long hours, rarely taking a break so it’s no wonder that the second he relaxed he nodded off. It was his Xmas day too, both of you deserved to do what you wanted and not waking him up was fully unreasonable and unfair, he’s now missed out too just because he put your back up.

I get it, parenting and relationships are hard but I think you really need to pick your battles and this wasn’t one that should’ve been had.

"It was his Xmas day too, both of you deserved to do what you wanted"

So if she just left their kid and went and did whatever she wanted to do, that would have been okay? If her OH had come on and said my wife just left us on Christmas day to go get a massage or something you'd reply "good for her, it's her day too"?

Give over. The man has responsibilities, and he isn't a child.

I'm glad he apologised to OP and they're okay now. Adults with responsibilities just can't take an unsolicited 6 hour nap, especially at christmas.

Abitofalark · 26/12/2023 23:05

Of course you were disappointed and saddened at how your Christmas day turned out. But I think part of your reasoning is faulty, in that you resent that he works and doesn't let people down, and take it as a slight if he doesn't do the same on Christmas day. It's because he worked long hours and nights that he was utterly exhausted by the time Christmas came, which he must have been, to sleep for six hours. It just caught up with him. It is being at home, it is 'off work'. It's not the same thing as keeping going at work (and I see from your update that you earn twice as much as he does; maybe that too is a pressure he feels, to keep going.) I would say the same if you were the one who slept for six hours: you were exhausted and you needed that sleep. Perhaps you can do the same on one of your off days. Why not?

And on the point about 'bedtime': "I said he made it home for our DDs bedtime, not his bedtime 😆". You did say:
"He did make it home last night in time for bedtime (just) and dragged himself out of bed this morning so we could all go and check if santa had been."

anon666 · 26/12/2023 23:06

It sounds like you are both absolutely knackered from insanely tiring jobs and home life. Fir some people an ideal day off is a time to nap when you feel like it. For others it's family time.

Given how exhausted you both are, I think it's an area to be negotiated. But if he genuinely was knackered, and I've been there, it might be compassionate to let him sleep instead.

Shellgyyyt · 26/12/2023 23:15

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Johnthesensible · 26/12/2023 23:41

Just leaving him is plain silly. Sleep gets the better of us. It masks that we 'have to get up' be it for xmas dinnner, work or whatever.

As others have said, he needs to look at his work/life balance. These kind of hours working are not healthy and needs to change otherwise one day.....

I'm being blunt because I've seen it happen before. Reduce the working hours.

ODFOx · 26/12/2023 23:48

Some years ago, in a different situation, I had a similar experience and felt exactly as you did on Christmas Day: going above and beyond to make everything lovely and make a cracking dinner (which does take time and effort to some degree) and being disappointed when it didn't go to plan.
I learnt a really important lesson and every Christmas since has been lovely. Honestly; lovely time every year.

Have the best day possible for your family. ( the year after my miserable Christmas my DC asked for roast pork with crackling and a chocolate cake, so that's what we had, at tea time so it didn't matter that they'd had chocolate coins etc earlier in the day so weren't hungry at lunch time).
If it doesn't go to plan, adapt the plan. I love a walk after dinner on Christmas Day. DH loves a nap. I'll walk on my own (with or without DC) if he'll stack the dishwasher before he naps.
While they are small, maintain the magic BUT simplify: Father Christmas brings a stocking of small toys and treats and One Present ( all unwrapped). Everything else is from you and includes a main gift and top-ups. Do not set yourselves up for stress in future years.

4.Make your own traditions; having cut out the insta/US Christmas movie crap, just concentrate on things you can maintain which are not costly. Be yourselves, and make Christmas about your family: it makes it so much easier to maintain the magic. Get your DH onside: you both work so hard and don't have much extra energy to spare, so choose the traditions and outings which mean the most to you both for the least energy or time outlay. I completely understand why this year was disappointing, so now is the best time to plan new traditions for your family which are more doable for next year. Merry Christmas xx

pineapplecrushed · 27/12/2023 00:00

sounds like you cut your nose off to spite your face there. You should have just woken him up.

Buffs · 27/12/2023 00:05

Okay poor person then. If the poster had said she’d slept for 6 hours then I would have said’ poor you, you must have been completely exhausted’. I really wasn’t making allowances for his penis.

H007 · 27/12/2023 00:17

YABU you are equally responsible for ruining Christmas Day. You should have just woken him… so many people have a nap on the big day.