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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas day "ruined" by nap

396 replies

Canonlythinkofthisone · 25/12/2023 20:39

DH works long hours and shifts. I also work full time in a high pressure role. We barely cross paths between work and childcare, and have a rare 2 days off together for Christmas. We have one DD who is still too young to "fully" understand Christmas (this is her 2nd).

I was in the throws of PPD last Christmas and effort was minimal, so this year I've put alot of effort into the day (just the 3 of us).

He did make it home last night in time for bedtime (just) and dragged himself out of bed this morning so we could all go and check if santa had been. We had a lovely morning opening presents etc and all was well.

I asked him to keep DD out from under my feet whilst I cracked on with dinner. Dinner was always planned for just after DDs usual tea time of 4.30pm.

DD appeared in the kitchen mooching for some interaction. Stuck my head in the living room and DH has nodded off.

Gently woke him and asked him to keep an eye on DD again whilst I was busy. He stropped that he was entitled to be tired, and took himself to bed for a nap.
This is a man who regularly works 12 to 16 hour days without a nap, and hasn't taken a sick day in over a decade, for fear of "letting people down".

DD was too young to eat with us last year so this year I genuinely was looking forward to us all sitting down together to eat, crackers, silly hats etc. This really rarely happens as normally its only one of us home at a time with her.

DH has just woken up. After a 6hour nap. I'm not even angry. I'm just really sad. Me and DD ate together at 5pm. She's now in bed after a busy day and a fat roast dinner.

He's tried "apologising" by asking why I didn't wake him. I pointed out it's not my responsibility to wake a grown man for his dinner, he got mardy. I told him I was really disappointed that he can work all the time and not nap/take any time off/leave early etc, so there's clearly people he doesn't mind letting down, meaning me and DD. Wasted money and food, and a rare opportunity to sit as a family and enjoy Christmas lunch.

He's now moping round the kitchen washing the pots after microwaving his Christmas dinner and eating on his own. I get that he was tired but I just feel really sad. DD has had a wonderful day, and as we never eat together anyway, knows no different, I just feel like of all the days to just make an effort to be present, today was it.

But maybe IABU.

OP posts:
Topsyturveymam · 26/12/2023 20:14

I get it…you’re both tired, you dragged yourself up to make Christmas dinner for the good of everyone…and he couldn’t even stay awake to keep your little one occupied….then went all mardy, stropping off upstairs for a nap and leaving you to make dinner and look after the little one.
I’d be p’ed off too.
Still, you should have woken him up, just so the family could all be together. You have every right to be irritated with him though!

ItsNotOkItsNotTheEnd · 26/12/2023 20:16

You cut off your nose to spite your face in this scenario.You could have woken him and had dinner together. If he works long hours and odd shifts it's no wonder he crashes on a day off. Yes it sucks but what did you gain by not waking him?

It doesn't excuse him being grumpy by the way. He should have said he needed a nap rather than just falling asleep watching DD

Technonan · 26/12/2023 20:17

You make your choices. There are clearly plusses to living like this, or you wouldn't do it, but working ludicrously long hours takes its toll, and it sounds as though your DH's system decided that this was the day to catch up with sleep. It's not healthy or wise to work these hours, and there is always a price to pay. This year, the price was your Christmas meal together. Another time it could be his or your health.

Natbro · 26/12/2023 20:17

Sounds like you cut your nose off to spite your face.

LaDamaDeElche · 26/12/2023 20:24

At some point your body can't do anymore. And sounds like from what OP has said an already tired person was even more tired. I wonder how many people would have be able to stay awake Most women. Women go through years of sleeplessness with small children/babies, plus work, the mental load, the lions share of domestic tasks and still manage to be awake and look after their children, cook, organise etc. It really is just some men that seem unable to manage this.

LumiB · 26/12/2023 20:29

LaDamaDeElche · 26/12/2023 20:10

YANBU. You work in a high pressure job and am sure are tired too, you asked him to parent his child while you cooked Christmas dinner, but he went to sleep instead leaving it all to you. I really don’t get the people saying he’s tired and entitled to a nap while you do everything. I’d be pretty deflated too in your situation. He could have had a few coffees and got on with the day like you had to.

With all due respect to op she is working full time but normal hours he does 12 to 16hr shift work thst really messed with you. You cant compare.

Singlullaby · 26/12/2023 20:31

Canonlythinkofthisone I 'm so sorry. Also sorry but I haven't time to read all the thread. I wouldn't get involved with details about how many hours you all work etc though.
I am so surprised that more people have not seen how this has impacted your huge disappointment about Christmas dinner and your plan to have it as a family together for the first time with your little girl. OK he fell asleep, knocked out by suddenly not having to keep going for long hours, but he might have seen that you were putting a lot into Christmas and moreover, it meant a lot to you that you ate together.
It might give you a bit of support to know you are not alone. I think men just do not live in the same world and do not, some of them, value family in the same way. I can give a vague example, must blur it regarding relationships etc for anonymity. It was a very long time ago.

I was staying with a couple and their 6month old first baby. It was the husband's birthday. They arranged he would have a little 'party' with baby, wife and me that evening for baby's tea-time. I bought leg of lamb - his favourite - for roasting as his present. Mum dressed little man in a suit and he looked so sweet ready and 'dressed for dinner'. Time for daddy to return from work came and went. Probably traffic we said. Time passed. Texting happened. I can't remember all of it. He was visiting a male friend known to drink and not in wife's good books - something of a misogynist I had seen before. Time passed. Mum turned off oven. She took baby boy to undress, have his bath, and was breast feeding him when the father banged open the kitchen door and slapped something onto the work-top, shouting orders at his wife. No 'hello'. No 'sorry I'm late'. He then harangued me about what kind of garden I wanted (you may ask ...) His wife came in and he just gave her orders as though she were someone working under him who was not performing properly.

I had known the young woman many years before she met him. She was vivacious, intelligent, creative, funny, talented, Could do anything; music, dance, sport, maths... and yet was far from a show-off, indeed was slightly lacking in confidence. Most of all she was kind, sensitive and good with people. The above happened well over 10 years ago. Today the marriage from outside looks very strong, although I have had some insights that frighten me. I have seen this lady become worn down, jaded, give up her own life goals. She might seem fine to outsiders, she believes her husband is always right probably because he has told her he is for the last 20 year. Hardest to see is that her sparkle is not there, and she is hardened - ok we all are, but this somehow does not 'ring true' to her. It sometimes seems she is putting on a front to seem in control and that underneath there is a yearning and resentment.

I think the one example of your husband misreading what Christmas dinner meant to you this year may not mean that he is a callous indifferent person about family matters. There needs to be a repeated pattern of neglecting to bother about family matters and not paying attention to what is important to you before you can say he has a problem. He obviously was very tired and the chance to rest which he would not normally have experienced just took over and zonked him out.

When you can, I would try and have a chat maybe over a glass of something and explain how much that special family Christmas Dinner meant to you. Perhaps you could arrange another such occasion to enjoy with all three of you.

I hope you had a great day today. Wishing you a very Happy New Year and hoping that it'll be possible for all three of you to put family days together - with dinner! - as a regular feature in your busy diaries! xxx

LaDamaDeElche · 26/12/2023 20:32

With all due respect to op she is working full time but normal hours he does 12 to 16hr shift work thst really messed with you. You cant compare She's working full time and doing everything at home, that's more than 12 hours. You absolutely can compare.

CountessWindyBottom · 26/12/2023 20:33

olympicsrock · 25/12/2023 20:46

It’s understandable that you are both exhausted . It’s ok for him to have a nap but why the hell didn’t you wake him for Christmas dinner. Sorry but you were a martyr.

Totally this!

You have made a rod for your own back here. He obviously leads an exhausting life, as I’m sure you do too, but all of this could have been avoided if you had just woken him up.

LumiB · 26/12/2023 20:34

LaDamaDeElche · 26/12/2023 20:24

At some point your body can't do anymore. And sounds like from what OP has said an already tired person was even more tired. I wonder how many people would have be able to stay awake Most women. Women go through years of sleeplessness with small children/babies, plus work, the mental load, the lions share of domestic tasks and still manage to be awake and look after their children, cook, organise etc. It really is just some men that seem unable to manage this.

And not everyone is the same just because one person can doesn't mean another can.

LumiB · 26/12/2023 20:35

LaDamaDeElche · 26/12/2023 20:32

With all due respect to op she is working full time but normal hours he does 12 to 16hr shift work thst really messed with you. You cant compare She's working full time and doing everything at home, that's more than 12 hours. You absolutely can compare.

How do you know she is doing everything at home OP hasn't said he doesn't pull his weight every day. All you know is just Xmas day. Why are you making assumptions and theb presenting it as a fact.

LaDamaDeElche · 26/12/2023 20:36

And not everyone is the same just because one person can doesn't mean another can Normally one doesn't have the option - the woman.

Redragtoabull · 26/12/2023 20:37

You get 2 days off together every year? This is not a relationship and certainly not a good example rto your young child.

LaDamaDeElche · 26/12/2023 20:38

How do you know she is doing everything at home OP hasn't said he doesn't pull his weight every day. All you know is just Xmas day. Why are you making assumptions and theb presenting it as a fact Read your own post about the hours he works. How do you think he's pulling his weight with childcare and household responsibilities working those shifts. The OP has also stated that she has a very high pressure job and is tired, yet the whole of the Christmas prep and cooking, as well as the childcare was left to her. You may have a low bar, but for me that's just not acceptable.

Ottersmith · 26/12/2023 20:39

This isn't just bout one day. I think you both need to sort out our work Life balance. It sounds like you're burnt out. Six hour sleep something Is going on there.

Singlullaby · 26/12/2023 20:41

Sorry about typos. I lost the whole letter somehow then remembered I had a draft in Word so copied it in but didn't realise it wasn't corrected. How do you all manage to do these things so expertly?

TMess · 26/12/2023 20:42

I slept for four hours yesterday while DH cooked, cleaned, and watched the five kids. He sent them in to wake me up when he needed me which is the way to get results with a heavy/exhausted sleeper. It’s not ideal, of course not, but to sleep that long during the day a body has to be almost at the breaking point. You’re not unreasonable to be disappointed though. Sometimes you have a picture in your mind of how a day will go and how lovely it will be and it’s sad when that doesn’t happen.

LumiB · 26/12/2023 20:46

@LaDamaDeElche
Well OP isn't complaining about that is she. They both doing long hours and she mentioned childcare. If he wasn't pulling his weight no sound she would be complaining about too but she isn't. You don't know, I dont know. The issue isn't is he pulling his weight. Op was wondering if she was being unreasonable about Xmas day so let's just stick to what its about instead of making stuff up.

Clearly as OP says they rarely get time where they are all together because of their work patterns ...if this is something she wants more of after having thsinrare time be disappointing then they need to discuss their working life and shift the balance.

PopandFizz · 26/12/2023 20:49

I get why you only tried a few times. Its a fine balance between trying not to 'fall out' on Christmas mixed with a bit of 'well F you then you had your chance' - totally understandable.

I would be annoyed if DH went for a nap when I was cooking and he was on DD duty. Its not about cooking with a 2 Yr old around, it's about that was your job and that was his.
It's about you work a full Time job as well but you can't go nap, you've got responsibility.

You gave him a chance.

Q2C4 · 26/12/2023 20:49

AhBiscuits · 25/12/2023 20:43

You should have woken him up. Why didn't you? You ruined your own day by stubbornly not waking him up because 'you shouldn't have to'.

The point is he didn't want to be awake for a family Christmas. OP waking him up would not have changed that.

SerenChocolateMuncher · 26/12/2023 20:51

LaDamaDeElche · 26/12/2023 20:38

How do you know she is doing everything at home OP hasn't said he doesn't pull his weight every day. All you know is just Xmas day. Why are you making assumptions and theb presenting it as a fact Read your own post about the hours he works. How do you think he's pulling his weight with childcare and household responsibilities working those shifts. The OP has also stated that she has a very high pressure job and is tired, yet the whole of the Christmas prep and cooking, as well as the childcare was left to her. You may have a low bar, but for me that's just not acceptable.

What a bastard. Fancy working long hours to support your family. Selfish git.

It sounds like OP's voluntary martyrdom ruined Christmas. She's spoiled it for her husband and daughter so she can wear her sparkling new Christmas halo 😇.

Jk987 · 26/12/2023 20:53

I get your disappointment. This is a strong sign that something urgently needs to change.

Christmas day aside it sounds like the lifestyles you're both leading are too much. Long hours, ships in the night, not seeing as much of your daughter as you'd like and total exhaustion.... Something has to give before you burn out. Can either or both of you temporarily reduce your hours or change work/life arrangements somehow? It sounds like you're both pushing and struggling and it doesn't have to be like this.

MWNA · 26/12/2023 20:56

SIX HOURS?! When you've got the responsibility of a child together? No. Fuck that. 😅

LumiB · 26/12/2023 20:57

LaDamaDeElche · 26/12/2023 20:38

How do you know she is doing everything at home OP hasn't said he doesn't pull his weight every day. All you know is just Xmas day. Why are you making assumptions and theb presenting it as a fact Read your own post about the hours he works. How do you think he's pulling his weight with childcare and household responsibilities working those shifts. The OP has also stated that she has a very high pressure job and is tired, yet the whole of the Christmas prep and cooking, as well as the childcare was left to her. You may have a low bar, but for me that's just not acceptable.

Oh and just to add about me having a low bar. I dont. I have dated men who do shift work and I set my expectations accordingly knowing what shift work can do because I used to do it myself working a middle shift and then a night time shift onto. It takes a toll on you and messes with your sleep. So no I don't have a low bar I am realistic person and understanding of situations and set my expectations accordingly. And if not happy with it then together make the changes so there is less chance of it happening again

BarelyCoping123 · 26/12/2023 20:58

I think you both need to examine your work/life balance, it sounds awful the way it is. Very difficult to make a marriage/relationship/family function long-term with that kind of set-up