Unequal grandparent gifts

[JustAMinutePleass]

I have an only child. My siblings have 2-3 kids a piece. Just found out my parents set a £30 budget for my child’s present and bought £300 pianos as a ‘shared gift’ for each set of gc for each sibling. I asked why my son didn’t also get a piano (or even a larger budget equal to a proportion of the others) when he’s the only one of their 6 gc actually learning the piano and was told I was ungrateful.

I’m so, so pissed off. Bear in mind I’m hosting christmas as I’ve done for years. Aibu to kick them all out and call it a day?

Well, that sounds rather transactional, but if you don't enjoy hosting, don't do it.

Are they all coming round or are they here already?

If they’re not here call them and tell them you have Covid and Christmas is cancelled.

If they’re here, make all the fuckers work.

And never host them again.

It’s not transactional, it’s recognising injustice. Spending hundreds on other grandkids is just rubbing it in OP’s face that she’s the scapegoat.

That's really weird. Your kid plays the piano so they give a piano to other Grandchildren. I'd ask if they had dementia and had forgotten your DC is the only one to play the 🎹.

Fuck them off next year and just host your little family OP. They should be giving each GC the same amount of money for goodness sake! So your son should have got £100-£150. Wouldn’t be able to see past this or be friendly about it. It’s so unfair on your child!

So I'd be rationing the food today and then over the meal, casually ask who will be hosting next year as it's someone else's turn.

Then send reminders at intervals during the next year.

OP says she would have been happy if her dc was treated the same as the other dgc.

She clearly means that’s even worse her dc is treated unequally when she’s the one hosting the fuckers every year.

@TinkerTiger i have said I misread that, calm down

No, just a bit less markedly unequal! The hosting is just an additional aggravating factor

I'm only here to see how many times the word 'piano' is mentioned

This wider context of being the scape goated child is so important. So it’s not just this present for your son, it is probably this on top of lots of other bad behaviour I assume?

Absolutely say no to hosting next year. Work on being able to manage guilt tripping without giving in to pressure. It’s such an important skills for toxic families.

what have your siblings said?

If I were you I’d try to let it pass and make the day as nice as possible for you and your child. Just make sure as they leave you say something to let them know you won’t be hosting next year. And stick to that!!

Hilarious

Yes you finally read the thread. While I was typing a response.

I didn’t say op should be happy because I would be. I gave a different point of view.

Op said she wants kids to get equal presents. When did monetary value become the only way kids gifts have value?

She could choose to look at it that her child got something they like/wanted. The other kids got something that will now be an obligation on them and their parents.

one child getting something they want and another getting something that means they have to take up a hobby they didn’t choose, also isn’t equal either. Ops child getting gift while the other parents got a big piece of furniture they didn’t ask for, that now puts time and financial obligations on them isn’t equal either.

it’s called putting a different point of view across. Didn’t realise we could no longer do that on here. 🙄

are you hosting your siblings?

You have every right to be pissed off at this. I would definitely reconsider whether I would have them over next Xmas.

be gracious today (through gritted teeth) and make other plans for next year.

My MIL is the same - trips to New York and expensive clothes shopping trips for her favoured grandchildren, £15 Amazon vouchers for my children. All details shared on social media and my children are fully aware of the inequalities. Then she wonders why they don’t want to spend time with her.

No. Do not “rise above” scapegoating and favoritism.

Yes that’s wrong , all grandchildren should have same budget , even if the extra money is put in a savings account. Hosting is separate issue though . I definitely would not host next year after being accused of being ungrateful . That’s out of order as well

What was the reply when you asked? Have you got a piano suitable for a 4 year old? Will they likely get a piano for yours when they are older. It seems very unequal but I think there must be some reason for it and they'll equal it up in the future. A 4 year old doesn't need a new piano or a 300 pound present. I guess there is more to this than you are saying but why you host for 500 pound every year when you don't trust motivation or intension of your guests is beyond me.

This is the real issue: you are the family scapegoat, and now your son is being treated the same as you were for the next generation.

They're happy to make you spend all the money, time and effort hosting them, eh?

I'd call it off. Norovirus. What a shame. and refuse to host ever again.

If you bought too much, reach out to a homeless shelter/refugee/food bank, etc

make it clear the dynamic is done and you won't tolerate it for you or your child.

I winder if the gift pianos were not made, spitefully, to keep scapegoat OP in her place. If she hosts and her child is learning the piano at four maybe this is the grandparents way of trying to keep the golden grandchildren elevated above OP’s child. Maybe this is meant to redress the balance so OP, who is aspiring above her station, doesn’t get too proud.

Well you won't be hosting from now on though will you?

Damn straight I’d kick em out for that!

without a doubt!

I think that was really rubbish of them, @JustAMinutePleass .

£300 pianos are huge gifts, both physically and financially. They will be well aware that gifting like this shows a huge imbalance between children. It's especially unkind when it's something your son would have used and enjoyed, and which perhaps has less relevance to the other children if they aren't interested in playing piano just now. While I wouldn't have expected them to buy him a whole piano for himself (as the other pianos were shared gifts), if it had been me buying the presents, I would have looked to give him something to roughly 1/2 that value or suggested to you that going halves on a piano could be an option.

It's not about the money, so much as about the consideration of people as equal or not equal. If they couldn't or didn't want to give all their grandchildren something that expensive, then they shouldn't have used Christmas as a time to emphasise who's favoured and who's not. They could have bought people pianos at other times of the year if they have a burning need to buy people instruments they don't play, but they chose to do so at Christmas, at a time when it will be extra apparent to the adults involved what's going on.

Don't let them get free rein to treat your DS as less than his cousins.

See those extra little expenditures from hosting them? I wonder if it's maybe time to cut back and put the money towards DS's own piano. And next year you can just put all the money from hosting into the piano fund instead.

I don't share the outrage here. The kid is four years old, he isn't going to care how much his present cost. And presumably he has access to a piano already if he's having lessons. Did the GPs really "set a budget" of £30 or did they just happen to buy him something they thought he'd like and that's what it cost?