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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Ring disappointment...

133 replies

Mmmmpavlova · 25/12/2023 00:47

I'm feeling a bit hurt about a situation with my DH, but maybe my expectations are too high.

We've been together years and married nearly a decade. Unfortunately I lost my engagement ring earlier this year. It wasn't an expensive one, but obviously for sentimental reasons I miss it.

We both decided that it would be nice to get a new one, so we went to the jewellers together to pick one out. I was excited, expecting it to be a lovely bonding experience. But during the appointment he was acting completely checked out. He clearly found the whole thing boring, and spent most of the time on his phone. I chose the one as close as possible to my original - simple and well under budget. He couldn't care less what one I picked.

By the end, I was a bit embarrassed and really surprised at his behaviour; it made me feel as though he doesn't really care about the relationship any more.

For me, the point of wearing a ring is the sentiment. I don't want it as just a shiny object, I honestly couldn't care less about that. I want it as a reminder of our love for each other. I want it to be truly from him to me. I explained this after the appointment, and thought he got my point.

The chosen ring needed resizing, so we have been waiting to pick it up. I thought he might redeem himself and present it to me in a nice way (down on one knee, a few nice words and a big bear hug kind of thing); but it's just arrived, and he is hungover and grumpy today and I can see that he has just bunged the bag under the Christmas tree for me to open myself tomorrow.

I really want to avoid this ring being forever associated in my mind with disappointment/semi rejection… so I tried to give him a gentle tip-off this evening that I would like him to give me the ring himself; maybe with some sort of sentiment attached?

Well maybe I didn't explain myself well, but that seemed to send him into even more of a grump, and now he's asleep and I think I'm getting the silent treatment… I really dread the silent treatment.

In my head I know it's a first world problem and we're not newlyweds any more, and maybe I should lower my expectations for having some sort of grand romance, and just get on with life.

But honestly, that makes me so sad. We've always had the most close, loving relationship, and this is making me feel like maybe something has changed. It just hurts a little bit. AIBU to be so disappointed?

OP posts:
Neitheronethingnortheother · 25/12/2023 00:49

I think I'm getting the silent treatment… I really dread the silent treatment.

The silent treatment is abuse If this is a thing that happens and you are now dreading more abuse the ring and how he gives it to you is just a symbol of a much bigger problem

ChocAuVin · 25/12/2023 00:51

OP I’m sorry to hear it. I do understand. It’s not unreasonable; sounds like you expressed your wish for a bit of romance around the new ring and he’s decided to be a bit of an arse about it. Maybe he feels embarrassed/unsure how to make it special so he’s acting like a dick? Either way — the silent treatment is not ok — it’s abuse.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas OP Xmas SmileFlowers

Defaultsettings · 25/12/2023 00:54

Maybe he’s a bit annoyed that you want the song and dance about it but you lost the original.

Sunnydays0101 · 25/12/2023 00:59

I think you were/are expecting too much re the ring. You see the ring as like a second engagement/proposal - your DH sees it for what it is, a replacement for the ring you lost.

LumpyPumpkin · 25/12/2023 01:02

He bought you a ring. You lost it. Now he is expected to buy you another one, act excited about it and re-propose to you? You're being unreasonable.

I understand why you thought it could be a nice romantic experience but what does he actually get out of this? He already (presumably) picked a ring out for you, paid for it and proposed. That is when the romance was due.

Now it's a decade on. You have lost the gift he gave you and you expect him to be excited about buying you another ring.

Did you get him an engagement gift? Would you get him another if he lost the first?

If, as you say, he's usually a loving partner. I think you need to let this one slide.

brainworms · 25/12/2023 01:03

Men are so fucking crap, honestly.

caringcarer · 25/12/2023 01:06

There is just no excuse for him spoiling your new ring experience. He sounds like a real grump. I'd refuse to where it until he ups his game. Don't open it unless he gives it to you.

Ablondiebutagoody · 25/12/2023 01:08

You have imagined this big scenario of choosing the ring together and him presenting it to you on bended knee but really what are the chances of that? It's very unreasonable to judge him for not being you. Poor guy.

Ablondiebutagoody · 25/12/2023 01:09

I also think that being told the specific manner in which I should present a gift would piss me off too!

MindHowYouGoes · 25/12/2023 01:11

He could act a bit more interested about it but expecting him to present it to you on bended knee is a bit much! He’s already done that but

3luckystars · 25/12/2023 01:14

Give him a chance, he might do something nice tomorrow.

If he is nice the rest of the time, that’s what matters the most.

MiddleAgeAllTheRage · 25/12/2023 01:14

Sorry but your expectations are totally cringe worthy. Completely over the top.

Original poster
Mmmmpavlova · 25/12/2023 01:15

Sunnydays0101 · 25/12/2023 00:59

I think you were/are expecting too much re the ring. You see the ring as like a second engagement/proposal - your DH sees it for what it is, a replacement for the ring you lost.

Yes, I think you're right. You've phrased that in a way I needed to hear... I am reading into it as a symbol of our feelings for each other.... maybe he is not.

Also - yes, I am very lucky that we can get a replacement. Completely.

To add - he originally seemed as keen on the idea as me, which is why this seems a turn around.

OP posts:
getfreddynow · 25/12/2023 01:17

Both of your behaviour sounds self-centred. Do. You often fall out over power plays and communication failures ?

Original poster
Mmmmpavlova · 25/12/2023 01:20

I'm very grateful for the replies, especially the ones telling me to get over myself (honestly!). I am sort of hoping to be unreasonable here.

He's normally a great one, truly - bar the silent treatment thing when in a mood (as he has no idea how to do conflict) - thankfully a fairly rare occurrence, but yes, is really crap when it happens

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 25/12/2023 01:45

caringcarer · 25/12/2023 01:06

There is just no excuse for him spoiling your new ring experience. He sounds like a real grump. I'd refuse to where it until he ups his game. Don't open it unless he gives it to you.

You're absolutely right. Acting childishly will sort everything out!

Deebee90 · 25/12/2023 01:53

You’re being seriously unreasonable. It isn’t a proposal. He’s replaced the ring you lost. Frankly it shouldn’t even be under the tree as you should have been wearing it the minute you got it. If you want to re declare your love for him re new your wows but you definitely Don’t need the ring to do it.

Trez1510 · 25/12/2023 02:01

Mmmmpavlova · 25/12/2023 01:15

Yes, I think you're right. You've phrased that in a way I needed to hear... I am reading into it as a symbol of our feelings for each other.... maybe he is not.

Also - yes, I am very lucky that we can get a replacement. Completely.

To add - he originally seemed as keen on the idea as me, which is why this seems a turn around.

Show quote history

Trying to avoid nastiness and/or sarcasm here, but his enthusiasm was probably because he realised your 'big' Christmas present was sorted. Meaning all he had to focus on were the smellies, pjs etc.

mumofone2019 · 25/12/2023 02:19

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

SunRainStorm · 25/12/2023 06:51

I'm the first to agree that men are rubbish but I don't think he's done wrong here apart from the silent treatment.

thefallen · 25/12/2023 06:56

LumpyPumpkin · 25/12/2023 01:02

He bought you a ring. You lost it. Now he is expected to buy you another one, act excited about it and re-propose to you? You're being unreasonable.

I understand why you thought it could be a nice romantic experience but what does he actually get out of this? He already (presumably) picked a ring out for you, paid for it and proposed. That is when the romance was due.

Now it's a decade on. You have lost the gift he gave you and you expect him to be excited about buying you another ring.

Did you get him an engagement gift? Would you get him another if he lost the first?

If, as you say, he's usually a loving partner. I think you need to let this one slide.

All of this. I think you're being a bit of a silly princess TBH. You're the one who lost the first one.

ChateauDuMont · 25/12/2023 07:00

It doesn't sound like a loving close relationship.

Is money tight and he's annoyed because you lost the original and in his eyes a replacement ring is a waste of money?

LadyMargaretDevereux · 25/12/2023 07:05

Open the ring present and thank him. He's done a nice thing, though not how you'd have liked, but 'replacing lost engagement ring' isn't a standard romantic occasion for most people. Have a lovely day and enjoy your new ring!

FrancisSeaton · 25/12/2023 07:07

MiddleAgeAllTheRage · 25/12/2023 01:14

Sorry but your expectations are totally cringe worthy. Completely over the top.

This

justwantobeamum · 25/12/2023 07:10

If he chose to upgrade your ring by himself then yes I’d expect a bit more effort and a re proposal type thing. This is just a replacement for what you lost, if you’d gone through insurance your insurers would have just sent a replacement in the post… not exactly romantic

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