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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Ring disappointment...

133 replies

Mmmmpavlova · 25/12/2023 00:47

I'm feeling a bit hurt about a situation with my DH, but maybe my expectations are too high.

We've been together years and married nearly a decade. Unfortunately I lost my engagement ring earlier this year. It wasn't an expensive one, but obviously for sentimental reasons I miss it.

We both decided that it would be nice to get a new one, so we went to the jewellers together to pick one out. I was excited, expecting it to be a lovely bonding experience. But during the appointment he was acting completely checked out. He clearly found the whole thing boring, and spent most of the time on his phone. I chose the one as close as possible to my original - simple and well under budget. He couldn't care less what one I picked.

By the end, I was a bit embarrassed and really surprised at his behaviour; it made me feel as though he doesn't really care about the relationship any more.

For me, the point of wearing a ring is the sentiment. I don't want it as just a shiny object, I honestly couldn't care less about that. I want it as a reminder of our love for each other. I want it to be truly from him to me. I explained this after the appointment, and thought he got my point.

The chosen ring needed resizing, so we have been waiting to pick it up. I thought he might redeem himself and present it to me in a nice way (down on one knee, a few nice words and a big bear hug kind of thing); but it's just arrived, and he is hungover and grumpy today and I can see that he has just bunged the bag under the Christmas tree for me to open myself tomorrow.

I really want to avoid this ring being forever associated in my mind with disappointment/semi rejection… so I tried to give him a gentle tip-off this evening that I would like him to give me the ring himself; maybe with some sort of sentiment attached?

Well maybe I didn't explain myself well, but that seemed to send him into even more of a grump, and now he's asleep and I think I'm getting the silent treatment… I really dread the silent treatment.

In my head I know it's a first world problem and we're not newlyweds any more, and maybe I should lower my expectations for having some sort of grand romance, and just get on with life.

But honestly, that makes me so sad. We've always had the most close, loving relationship, and this is making me feel like maybe something has changed. It just hurts a little bit. AIBU to be so disappointed?

OP posts:
Caterguin · 25/12/2023 09:51

I think you'll get different responses on here, depending on people's personalities. I don't get the fuss; you lost the ring, then you wanted to re enact it, but what's the point? If I were your dh and didn't feel the excitement, I wouldn't be able to pretend just to please you. Not a grown adult.

Dh lost his wedding ring the other year. We haven't bothered to replace it, because it's just an object, when all is said and done.

Birdcar · 25/12/2023 09:57

"I thought he might redeem himself and present it to me in a nice way (down on one knee"

You're expecting too much. Real lift isn't instagram.

That aside, he sounds like a dick. The silent treatment is not an effective adult strategy for achieving anything.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 25/12/2023 10:00

caringcarer · 25/12/2023 01:06

There is just no excuse for him spoiling your new ring experience. He sounds like a real grump. I'd refuse to where it until he ups his game. Don't open it unless he gives it to you.

🤭🤣🤣

stayathomer · 25/12/2023 10:03

caringcarer
that’s what I was saying too!

Carmargo · 25/12/2023 10:15

1983Louise · 25/12/2023 08:20

Keep the ring and trade in your husband, problem solved - Merry Christmas

She'd be more likely to trade him in if he went along with this bended knee re-enactment bullshit.

Don't men get that? I don't think they do.
A acquaintance's of mine's wife was a right cow and - outrageously-asked him not to speak to his own parents for six months as she felt he was 'too close' to them.
Ball-less AND cruel bastard did just that. His mum was seriously ill at the time too. She still shagged his best mate and kicked him out.
Probably lost all respect for him. F* I certainly would.

Though I do appreciate your comment is meant to be light-hearted.

GustyFinknottle · 25/12/2023 10:54

There are people who don't attach sentiment to things. I'm one of them. I treasure people and experience and memories but not things. I couldn't get excited by buying an almost identical replacement for something you'd lost. Instead of always seeing his behaviour as wrong and deficient, might it be worth wondering whether you are being unreasonable to expect such a song and dance over it? It's just a bit of metal and some stones like the one you lost. The years you've had together are what, IMO, you should be celebrating.

Ladyj84 · 25/12/2023 11:05

Oh for goodness sake most men aren't sentimental like us get your ring and wear it lol

RoachFish · 25/12/2023 11:35

I would get serious stage fright if my partner told me to get him a ring and then do a performative gift giving ceremony. It’s not a proposal, he’s already done that. This is just a piece of jewellery.

Also, to all those saying he’s abusive, he’s not giving the op the silent treatment, he’s asleep. Not at all the same thing. If I was approached by all these demands just as I was going to bed I would shut up and sleep too.

AussiUnHomme · 25/12/2023 11:40

I reckon you're being v unreasonable, both with your expectations of a ridiculous 'replacement ring ceremony' of bended knee and words and then complaint about a 'silent treatment'. Maybe if you'd looked after the original ring better he could have spent the money for the replacement on some beer and crisps.

MadeOfAllWork · 25/12/2023 18:06

I read this first thing this morning and then Christmas happened so I’ve only just had a chance to reply.

In all honesty OP I think you are expecting too much. He has seen this as an exercise in replacing something lost. You are seeing it as something different and more meaningful.
You didn’t get the silent treatment, he was asleep.

Truthfully you are being a bit of a princess about this.

Original poster
Mmmmpavlova · 25/12/2023 18:57

Hi all, getting my first chance since 6am to read all the replies that came in. But the middle of the night replies handed my arse to me, and when DH woke up next to me I apologised to him for being unreasonable about it. He didn't really reply at the time, so I still felt uneasy about where things stood.

Then this morning, halfway through gift opening with our toddler, I popped to the kitchen to make breakfast, and when I came back in to the living room, he was there (yes - on bended knee, sorry MN if any of you have just vommed!!) fully grinning away as he was wearing the same silly Christmas outfit he wore to do it 10 years ago. But this time, our toddler and our dog were there to help him, and they did - it was just so sweet. We hugged it out and all the walls came down.

If it matters, reading the replies has made me realise that my OP was not clear enough on a few important things:

  • we are a very sentimental, cuddly old pair - him as much as me - and he actively suggested replacing the ring. He literally said on the way there "this will be really nice, won't it". That is why I was so confused when he had a personality change in the shop - I still don't know WTF came over him and it's not normal for him to act so cold or so rude, so honestly I was annoyed and confused, and considering what we were buying, felt a bit rejected in the moment
  • financially, buying the ring was not an issue and definitely not something that amnoyed him
  • I would genuinely prefer to wear a hula hoop on my finger if it was given with love, rather than some stupid flashy thing that was a forced sentiment. I don't give a fig about jewellery and am not a flashy person at all.
  • the silent treatment is rare and totally conflict avoidance on his part, due to his upbringing - he is definitely trying to work on it, to his credit. I don't think it's abusive in this situation as he is normally a lovey dovey old sod (we both are).

I think the anxiety for me and why I built it up was because I was seeing it as a symbol of how he felt about me, and the sudden change in his behaviour about the whole thing just freaked me out as so it if character.

I think for his part, he was just annoyed that I took the hump originally... and it became a sore subject when I brought it up again yesterday. Total communication break down, leading me to imagine all sorts - thanks MN for helping me see that I was BU, so I could apologise and make him realise that I'm not a cow.

I am just glad I have my normal DH back today, and that we were able to hug it out and laugh about it. He's my favourite person and that means infinitely more than any piece of jewellery.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mmmmpavlova · 25/12/2023 18:59

And also, thanks all for making me laugh at myself. Worry can just change our brain chemistry can't it!

OP posts:
Ablondiebutagoody · 25/12/2023 22:38

Thanks for the update. I'm grinning like an idiot here!

fetchacloth · 26/12/2023 19:05

YANBU but as others have said, men see things differently to women and much less emotionally, hence the indifference about giving the ring to you.
Basically he sees the new ring merely replacing the ring that was lost.

I would however be more concerned by the silent treatment which is a form of abuse and a red flag.

Floatinginatincan · 26/12/2023 19:43

I think you've been watching to many Hallmark movies. You lost the ring, you picked a new one. Why would he go through the performance of re proposing?. Give your head a wobble & enjoy your new ring (try not to lose it this time)

MustWeDoThis · 26/12/2023 20:30

You mean lower your standards so you're OK to be abused and walked over? Wake up, O/P - Think to yourself what you would tell a daughter/niece/female cousin etc any close female relation! Think about what you would tell them to do and then tell it to yourself.

SuperBlondie28 · 26/12/2023 21:06

YABU for sure.

You lost the original after all. Perhaps he was secretly annoyed/upset about it?

You aren't getting engaged or getting proposed to by the same man for a 2nd time, so should not expect him to act the same as the 1st time.

To prove to other how easy it is to lose a ring, I found a silver coloured heart shaped clear stone ring (tacky in my opinion) next to the sink in the ladies loo at the local pub. Obviously taken off, for hand washing. I took it straight to the pub owner. I often wonder if the owner ever got it back 🤔

Mothership4two · 27/12/2023 03:16

Floatinginatincan · 26/12/2023 19:43

I think you've been watching to many Hallmark movies. You lost the ring, you picked a new one. Why would he go through the performance of re proposing?. Give your head a wobble & enjoy your new ring (try not to lose it this time)

Why would he go through the performance of re proposing?.

For sentimental reasons/knowing his wife would appreciate it? According to OP's updates he did make the effort and did re-propose. No head wobbling necessary.

@SuperBlondie28 too

Whathappenstomyal · 27/12/2023 03:47

Aww, lovely update from the OP. I’m so glad to see that love and romance are not dead.

OldPerson · 27/12/2023 05:24

It doesn't seem to be about the ring. It seems to be about everything that the ring should symbolise in the opinion of the wife - and possibly missing in the marriage. Husband has agreed to replace ring, go ring shopping. And yet he's not living up to the romance fantasy of "second chance to give engagement ring to wife". Original ring wasn't expensive. Neither is replacement. Willing to bet the marriage proposal was a little flat. Maybe the real replacement should be the grumpy non-invested husband?

Newnamehiwhodis · 27/12/2023 05:55

Awwww what a sweet update!

I was going to say (before I read it), that it sounded like you needed some kind of reassurance, and this wasn’t about the ring.

I was going to suggest a party or vow renewal, or a lovely date with just you two on your own again.

but with your update, it sounds like he really made it very special - even wearing the same thing. That’s adorable :)

RedHelenB · 27/12/2023 06:12

Defaultsettings · 25/12/2023 00:54

Maybe he’s a bit annoyed that you want the song and dance about it but you lost the original.

This.

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 27/12/2023 07:38

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 25/12/2023 07:28

Tbh, I think my DH would be upset I'd lost the one he saved for and picked for me. And I'd totally understand that. We'd be able to replace it (plus our rings are covered on our contents insurance) but that's not the point. You see wearing it as sentimental, which I understand, but for us the sentiment is the fact he saved when we had next to nothing, chose it and gave it to me to ask to build our future together. So if I lost it, we'd both be upset and a new one would be lovely but not a big thing.

Totally agree with this. We were very young and broke when we got engaged and although my ring was very cheap by today’s standards it took DH a while to save up for.

I wouldn’t even replace it if I lost it because it would just be another bit of jewellery, it wouldn’t be my engagement ring with all the sentiment wrapped up in it.

Heyhoitsme · 27/12/2023 09:08

You can't force him to be romantic. He's a man,they rarely do romance.

ButterflyOil · 27/12/2023 09:19

Aww that’s such a lovely update. Who knows really why the atmosphere was odd in the shop, could have been a ton of things. The lovely bit is you apologised for your part and he listened and. got into the spirit and you all ended up happy. Seems like a lovely resolution to me!