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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Ring disappointment...

133 replies

Mmmmpavlova · 25/12/2023 00:47

I'm feeling a bit hurt about a situation with my DH, but maybe my expectations are too high.

We've been together years and married nearly a decade. Unfortunately I lost my engagement ring earlier this year. It wasn't an expensive one, but obviously for sentimental reasons I miss it.

We both decided that it would be nice to get a new one, so we went to the jewellers together to pick one out. I was excited, expecting it to be a lovely bonding experience. But during the appointment he was acting completely checked out. He clearly found the whole thing boring, and spent most of the time on his phone. I chose the one as close as possible to my original - simple and well under budget. He couldn't care less what one I picked.

By the end, I was a bit embarrassed and really surprised at his behaviour; it made me feel as though he doesn't really care about the relationship any more.

For me, the point of wearing a ring is the sentiment. I don't want it as just a shiny object, I honestly couldn't care less about that. I want it as a reminder of our love for each other. I want it to be truly from him to me. I explained this after the appointment, and thought he got my point.

The chosen ring needed resizing, so we have been waiting to pick it up. I thought he might redeem himself and present it to me in a nice way (down on one knee, a few nice words and a big bear hug kind of thing); but it's just arrived, and he is hungover and grumpy today and I can see that he has just bunged the bag under the Christmas tree for me to open myself tomorrow.

I really want to avoid this ring being forever associated in my mind with disappointment/semi rejection… so I tried to give him a gentle tip-off this evening that I would like him to give me the ring himself; maybe with some sort of sentiment attached?

Well maybe I didn't explain myself well, but that seemed to send him into even more of a grump, and now he's asleep and I think I'm getting the silent treatment… I really dread the silent treatment.

In my head I know it's a first world problem and we're not newlyweds any more, and maybe I should lower my expectations for having some sort of grand romance, and just get on with life.

But honestly, that makes me so sad. We've always had the most close, loving relationship, and this is making me feel like maybe something has changed. It just hurts a little bit. AIBU to be so disappointed?

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 25/12/2023 07:14

Oh ! I didn't realise it was your Christmas present - you left that bit until your 6th paragraph.

I would have been wearing it since it was picked up from the jewellers after resizing.

As it is a replacement for a lost item, why didn't it get claimed for under your home contents insurance ?

TravelInHope · 25/12/2023 07:14

brainworms · 25/12/2023 01:03

Men are so fucking crap, honestly.

All of them. Every last one. And women are all virtual goddesses. Every last one.

PaminaMozart · 25/12/2023 07:15

You need to worry less about the whole ring business, but more about his habit of giving you the silent treatment. It could be learnt behaviour, conflict avoidance or downright abuse. Whatever the background, you should be firm that you will not accept it, and that he needs to address it.

SunRainStorm · 25/12/2023 07:20

Sometimes things like this trigger something that's underlying the relationship in general.

OP, are you feeling neglected or undervalued in general? And maybe you were hoping this ring thing would be a chance to 'fix' that, and it didn't.

You'll probably get further looking at the feelings behind it all, rather than focusing on the ring/its presentation etc itself.

Carmargo · 25/12/2023 07:21

The problem is that the feeling behind it has now gone and cannot be recreated, not his love for you but the situation.

So you are being unreasonable.

In all honesty, are you that into him?

If I've been really into a guy, I'd be happy with a proposal ring made out of tin foil or one from poundland.

All this sort of stuff is similar to date nights, making a huge deal out of Valentine's Day and marriage renewal bollocks-contrived artificial bullshit for women who aren't really feeling it anymore.

Ironically, if he was the sort of guy to get you a poundland replacement you'd be delighted as it shows wit and humour and 'nice' cheekiness.
An ex-bf I really adored once gave me a twirl bar for Christmas but wrapped it up-I've still got the wrapper in my memento box.

tara66 · 25/12/2023 07:21

In my experience men are just not into that kind of thing - the detail and effort of being ''romantic'' is just to much trouble and quite boring for them - those days are long gone for him it seems.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 25/12/2023 07:28

Tbh, I think my DH would be upset I'd lost the one he saved for and picked for me. And I'd totally understand that. We'd be able to replace it (plus our rings are covered on our contents insurance) but that's not the point. You see wearing it as sentimental, which I understand, but for us the sentiment is the fact he saved when we had next to nothing, chose it and gave it to me to ask to build our future together. So if I lost it, we'd both be upset and a new one would be lovely but not a big thing.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 25/12/2023 07:32

do you get the silent treatment a lot?

Because I don’t understand the worry. You had words and he went to bed. That’s not the silent treatments yet you are anxious.

and yes silent treatment and sulking can be abusive. It can also be the reaction of someone who just doesn’t want to deal with the issue or doesn’t agree they have done something wrong. Or even when people are sick of being told how they do things is wrong and they just have nothing left to say. Not even to defend themselves. It can be a reaction to emotional abuse. Not saying you are abusing him but wish people wouldn’t jump to ‘silent treatment is always abuse’ as, has already happened on the thread.

@Mmmmpavlova you weren’t shopping g for your engagement ring with the anticipation of a wedding. It’s a replacement piece of jewellery that you are getting for Christmas. Which is what he is treating it as.

You see it as reliving your engagement. You made up a narrative in your head and now (as you said you phrased it badly) told him he is doing your Christmas gift wrong. He hasn’t even given you it yet and how he has done it is wrong.

In all honesty if Dp did that to me I would go to bed too. I couldn’t be doing with ‘you out my present y see the tree, I assumed you would give me it in dramatic fashion’, before I even handed it to him. I don’t have the emotional energy for being critiqued in that way and have no interest in defending myself from it.

SpringIntoChaos · 25/12/2023 07:36

YABU...and a bit childish if I'm honest. Also...I don't get why this is a Christmas present? Could you not claim on your insurance? It's simply a replacement for a lost item 🤷‍♀️

Carmargo · 25/12/2023 07:36

tara66 · 25/12/2023 07:21

In my experience men are just not into that kind of thing - the detail and effort of being ''romantic'' is just to much trouble and quite boring for them - those days are long gone for him it seems.

True but then what women really find romantic has little to do with what is sold as romance.

I'd rather get a poundland engagement ring presented to me with a cheeky grin than some guy getting on his knees with a ten grand one.

I don't find a man who puts me on a pedestal attractive tbh. Care for me and love me, of course but waste his hard - earned cash (I suppose if 10k is peanuts to him this doesn't apply)? No.

ClairDeLaLune · 25/12/2023 07:39

I think I'm getting the silent treatment… I really dread the silent treatment.

This is worrying, this is emotional abuse OP. It sounds like you’re a bit scared of him and that’s not good. You need to tackle this with him.

That aside, your expectations are pretty ridiculous. He’s probably pissed off that you lost the ring. The new one won’t have the same romantic connections sadly and he probably doesn’t want to enter into the pretence that it will.

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 25/12/2023 07:39

This is a replacement ring for one you lost, it's not a reaffirmation of vows or a re-enactment of a proposal, so YABU in that regard.
Perhaps he's annoyed you lost the first one, and wasn't overly enthusiastic about having to buy another?

Janieforever · 25/12/2023 07:40

I don’t know op. I mean you lost the ring, which doesn’t really signify some form of importance you’d placed against it, and then expecting a second proposal and down on one knee is a bit much, if my husband lost his wedding ring, I’d be pissed at him, and if he expected me to behave like I was marrying him again when I had to shell out to get him another one, I’d likely be grumpy too at his self centredness.

Solymoly · 25/12/2023 07:42

I was expecting this to be about a Ring doorbell

MrsHughesPinny · 25/12/2023 07:43

Kindly, you’re being a bit unreasonable. Their brains just don’t work the same way ours do. He’s providing a solution to a problem: ring lost, ring replaced. You’re already engaged and then married so he won’t feel the need to do all that again.

Oddly, DP and I were talking about this with friends earlier because I had been watching a Christmas rom com. To be fair to him, he’s not bad on the romance front, mostly because he understands that my love language is acts of service. I feel appreciated when he takes chores, jobs, plans etc off my hands and does things without having to be asked.

His educational background/career is in media and film and he was talking about all the research that goes into those types of productions and what women want to see/hear to make the movies successful. Apparently pretty much no men would ever act that way, particularly over a long-term relationship.

The men in the friend group we were with, who are all decent blokes, said the OTT hearts and flowers has a max 2 year sustainability while women are wooed and secured. Beyond that, they most value being practical, dependable and physically present as the qualities a good husband should have.

Carmargo · 25/12/2023 07:45

Having said all that if he is the sort of guy who won't give in to what he sees as being ridiculous demands from you then you might still fancy him.

It's hard to unpick because if you were still into him a poundland replacement would do.

I'm not taking the piss, I mean it.

Isthisblocked · 25/12/2023 07:49

Lower your expectations. DH worshipped the ground I walked on (I am now widowed) and did not have a romantic bone in his body…. lack of romance did not stop me being completely sure of his love. You are his life partner, you are the love of his life. On his deathbed he will ask for you. You don’t need a symbol… you know it… Now that’s true romance, believe in the love, and don’t worry about the ring or the gesture.

MustBeGinOclock · 25/12/2023 07:49

I too feel this is a cringe worthy post sorry op. YABU

hotchocandtwosmokybacon · 25/12/2023 07:52

You are overthinking. He is keen to get you a replacement ring at least. He did not expect to do the proposal again though. Why would he? The fact that he does not do the romantic gesture you want does not mean his love has changed. YABU

festivepains · 25/12/2023 07:54

You lost the original one so it's probably best not to make a song and dance about how much it meant to you. To him this replacement will never be the one he proposed to you with so is meaningless to him really.

daisychain01 · 25/12/2023 07:55

Sounds like you were expecting him to act out the ring event (choosing it, buying it, giving it to you) in an artificial way that was out of character for him, so he doubled-down and didn't play along. I don't blame him, he probably felt uncomfortable trying to be someone you wanted rather than being himself.

oakleaffy · 25/12/2023 07:56

Sunnydays0101 · 25/12/2023 00:59

I think you were/are expecting too much re the ring. You see the ring as like a second engagement/proposal - your DH sees it for what it is, a replacement for the ring you lost.

This.
A replacement is never quite the same.
I hope the original turns up.
Mum found her wedding ring in a Waitrose carrier bag weeks after thinking it was lost for ever. Her hands must have been cold and the ring slipped off as she was reaching for shopping in the bag.

{Dad had died as well by then, so no way could she have got a 'replacement'.

Men just don't tend to make a hoot hah about rings in my experience. Especially not replacements.

FreeAdamsApples · 25/12/2023 07:57

What's he like with you on your birthdays @Mmmmpavlova ?

GreatGateauxsby · 25/12/2023 07:59

You are married he is (hopefully) your best friend and life partner.

Use your words, tell him how you feel (nicely)

I'd accept this ring graciously and arrange another day out one with something for everyone so maybe ring shopping lunch and bounce /flight club OR slap up brunch and ring shopping.
I'd buy a nice cocktail ring or something and I'd work out beforehand roughly what I want some there's not a tonne of browsing /standing about.

That's what would work for me.
Work out what you want and make it happen

luckylavender · 25/12/2023 07:59

Defaultsettings · 25/12/2023 00:54

Maybe he’s a bit annoyed that you want the song and dance about it but you lost the original.

This