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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Ring disappointment...

133 replies

Mmmmpavlova · 25/12/2023 00:47

I'm feeling a bit hurt about a situation with my DH, but maybe my expectations are too high.

We've been together years and married nearly a decade. Unfortunately I lost my engagement ring earlier this year. It wasn't an expensive one, but obviously for sentimental reasons I miss it.

We both decided that it would be nice to get a new one, so we went to the jewellers together to pick one out. I was excited, expecting it to be a lovely bonding experience. But during the appointment he was acting completely checked out. He clearly found the whole thing boring, and spent most of the time on his phone. I chose the one as close as possible to my original - simple and well under budget. He couldn't care less what one I picked.

By the end, I was a bit embarrassed and really surprised at his behaviour; it made me feel as though he doesn't really care about the relationship any more.

For me, the point of wearing a ring is the sentiment. I don't want it as just a shiny object, I honestly couldn't care less about that. I want it as a reminder of our love for each other. I want it to be truly from him to me. I explained this after the appointment, and thought he got my point.

The chosen ring needed resizing, so we have been waiting to pick it up. I thought he might redeem himself and present it to me in a nice way (down on one knee, a few nice words and a big bear hug kind of thing); but it's just arrived, and he is hungover and grumpy today and I can see that he has just bunged the bag under the Christmas tree for me to open myself tomorrow.

I really want to avoid this ring being forever associated in my mind with disappointment/semi rejection… so I tried to give him a gentle tip-off this evening that I would like him to give me the ring himself; maybe with some sort of sentiment attached?

Well maybe I didn't explain myself well, but that seemed to send him into even more of a grump, and now he's asleep and I think I'm getting the silent treatment… I really dread the silent treatment.

In my head I know it's a first world problem and we're not newlyweds any more, and maybe I should lower my expectations for having some sort of grand romance, and just get on with life.

But honestly, that makes me so sad. We've always had the most close, loving relationship, and this is making me feel like maybe something has changed. It just hurts a little bit. AIBU to be so disappointed?

OP posts:
Ansjovis · 25/12/2023 08:00

I'm with your husband on this one, minus the silent treatment which is never okay. Anyone who expects shopping with me for anything to be a "lovely bonding experience" is going to be so very disappointed.

Christmassss · 25/12/2023 08:02

He’s probably over the whole engagement thing which isn’t surprising considering you are married.

Grimpo · 25/12/2023 08:03

caringcarer · 25/12/2023 01:06

There is just no excuse for him spoiling your new ring experience. He sounds like a real grump. I'd refuse to where it until he ups his game. Don't open it unless he gives it to you.

But how is he supposed to know how a "new ring experience" is meant to go? It's not as if there's any sort of established tradition around it. It's not as if it's a formal renewal of vows or anything, it's simply replacing something that got lost.

whirlyhead · 25/12/2023 08:05

This post unintentionally made me laugh (sorry) I’m more seeing your husband’s view (replacing a ring you lost so no grand gestures needed) but there again despite having an engagement and wedding ring I’ve worn neither in 20 years of marriage and wouldn’t be bothered if they got lost!

HowAmYa · 25/12/2023 08:06

LumpyPumpkin · 25/12/2023 01:02

He bought you a ring. You lost it. Now he is expected to buy you another one, act excited about it and re-propose to you? You're being unreasonable.

I understand why you thought it could be a nice romantic experience but what does he actually get out of this? He already (presumably) picked a ring out for you, paid for it and proposed. That is when the romance was due.

Now it's a decade on. You have lost the gift he gave you and you expect him to be excited about buying you another ring.

Did you get him an engagement gift? Would you get him another if he lost the first?

If, as you say, he's usually a loving partner. I think you need to let this one slide.

You need to get your standards out the gutter.
If you think it's acceptable for a man to act like an uninterested abusive dick over ANY situation then I feel quite bad for you.

When you love someone, you don't punish them for making a mistake or losing something. Please don't try to normalise this behaviour by pretty much saying the OP deserved to be treated like this.

OP, I'm sorry this has been a shit experience but the silent treatment is a form of abuse and control.
My dad lost his wedding ring years ago and even my horribly controlling mum was able to be calm and went out with my dad to get a new one without this level of disdain. She made him pay for it ans got herself a necklace and it ended up being a lovely experience.

Poppysmom22 · 25/12/2023 08:09

He's not a mind reader you need for ask for what you want waiting for him to guess how you want things to be is going to make you unhappy for a long time.

Blahblahblah2 · 25/12/2023 08:09

This is a bit silly. You lost the ring. It's a replacement. You're not getting engaged again.

Dhilezzz · 25/12/2023 08:11

HowAmYa · 25/12/2023 08:06

You need to get your standards out the gutter.
If you think it's acceptable for a man to act like an uninterested abusive dick over ANY situation then I feel quite bad for you.

When you love someone, you don't punish them for making a mistake or losing something. Please don't try to normalise this behaviour by pretty much saying the OP deserved to be treated like this.

OP, I'm sorry this has been a shit experience but the silent treatment is a form of abuse and control.
My dad lost his wedding ring years ago and even my horribly controlling mum was able to be calm and went out with my dad to get a new one without this level of disdain. She made him pay for it ans got herself a necklace and it ended up being a lovely experience.

Show quote history

Uninterested and abusive after she lost her ring?

Get a grip dear.

Carmargo · 25/12/2023 08:14

To be honest OP if he had made a song and dance about this, you still wouldn't be happy because it is ridiculous to expect to recreate the same situation. Everyone agrees on that.

So you'd be with a guy who gave into a ridiculous demand. How could you trust him? You couldn't. And you certainly wouldn't fancy him.

He didn't though and now he's stirred up all these emotions in you.
Which is good (I disagree that he is abusive) to maintain your interest as he has demonstrated he's not a pushover.

Any guy who goes all with everything no matter how daft his wife suggests soon loses her interest.

Kittylala · 25/12/2023 08:16

You made a big deal and it sounds like you ruined the experience for him! Look after this ring this time maybe.

HowAmYa · 25/12/2023 08:19

Dhilezzz · 25/12/2023 08:11

Uninterested and abusive after she lost her ring?

Get a grip dear.

Show quote history

So the silent treatment is acceptable?

Its not about the ring or the experience. Its about just being a dick then thinking it's ok to also be controlling. Seriously whats happened to people's standards in how to treat one another these days?!

I'm going by what the op described. I couldn't treat my dp like that.

Epidote · 25/12/2023 08:20

I think @Sunnydays0101 got the point.
You are making a lot of it. I understand him here more that understand you.

1983Louise · 25/12/2023 08:20

Keep the ring and trade in your husband, problem solved - Merry Christmas

TippyToes123 · 25/12/2023 08:20

Neitheronethingnortheother · 25/12/2023 00:49

I think I'm getting the silent treatment… I really dread the silent treatment.

The silent treatment is abuse If this is a thing that happens and you are now dreading more abuse the ring and how he gives it to you is just a symbol of a much bigger problem

Oh for goodness sake, abuse? There's really no need to be so dramatic.

Dishwashersaurous · 25/12/2023 08:21

I would be so so so upset if someone lost their engagement ring I bought them. It would seem to be the ultimate demonstration of not caring about it,.and if you view the ring as a representation of the relationship, thus by implications not caring about the relationship.

I would probably not buy another one

But if they wanted another one I certainly wouldn't be pleased or excited about it. Instead I would be upset that it was necessary in the first place

BitOfChocolate · 25/12/2023 08:24

I’ve worn neither in 20 years of marriage and wouldn’t be bothered if they got lost!

Likewise, but I never even got an engagement ring - we got married within a month of him asking me so got overlooked really. Maybe he doesn't like me much at all.

MassiveOvaryaction · 25/12/2023 08:35

Perhaps he's just not that excited about spending money on something else for you to lose?

transcendingxmas · 25/12/2023 08:36

LumpyPumpkin · 25/12/2023 01:02

He bought you a ring. You lost it. Now he is expected to buy you another one, act excited about it and re-propose to you? You're being unreasonable.

I understand why you thought it could be a nice romantic experience but what does he actually get out of this? He already (presumably) picked a ring out for you, paid for it and proposed. That is when the romance was due.

Now it's a decade on. You have lost the gift he gave you and you expect him to be excited about buying you another ring.

Did you get him an engagement gift? Would you get him another if he lost the first?

If, as you say, he's usually a loving partner. I think you need to let this one slide.

I agree with this.

dottiedodah · 25/12/2023 08:46

The thing is its 10 years down the line,he is not in the same place as he was then. I understand your feelings .But I think to maybe accept it as a replacement,rather than a second proposal type of thing .Concentrate on Christmas Day itself rather than this .After all if it hadnt been lost then you would not be in this position anyway!

Mouse82 · 25/12/2023 09:00

Married nearly 10 years? Should of just gone the eternity ring track instead. No re-proposal needed.

synonymed · 25/12/2023 09:02

It’s just a replacement. You expect him to go down on one knee, this is just so cringe tbh. Poor man.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 25/12/2023 09:04

really want to avoid this ring being forever associated in my mind with disappointment/semi rejection… so I tried to give him a gentle tip-off this evening that I would like him to give me the ring himself; maybe with some sort of sentiment attached?
is this because you don't want to have it forever associated with you losing the original so it's easier to say any sadness is his fault?
I think if you have such a prescriptive expectation of an event you'll always be disappointed.

synonymed · 25/12/2023 09:05

You are the one ruining Christmas, not him.

Redlarge · 25/12/2023 09:06

You need to lower the bar and your expectations. Not because its right to do but its reality.
Hes done his bare minimum... thats enough surely.
I hope he doesnt give you the silent treatment. I hope you get a nice day in the end and he sorts his face out. X

badhappenings · 25/12/2023 09:06

YANBU
It's gutting to lose something so special.

I'm not surprised you feel let down by him.

I think it should have been at least a bit of a special occasion, and his total lack of interest would have upset me too. It's not like you went shopping for a box of teabags! I hope that changes and it goes well for you today💐

Igmore all the trolls, they're immensley bitter this time of year.