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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Ring disappointment...

133 replies

Mmmmpavlova · 25/12/2023 00:47

I'm feeling a bit hurt about a situation with my DH, but maybe my expectations are too high.

We've been together years and married nearly a decade. Unfortunately I lost my engagement ring earlier this year. It wasn't an expensive one, but obviously for sentimental reasons I miss it.

We both decided that it would be nice to get a new one, so we went to the jewellers together to pick one out. I was excited, expecting it to be a lovely bonding experience. But during the appointment he was acting completely checked out. He clearly found the whole thing boring, and spent most of the time on his phone. I chose the one as close as possible to my original - simple and well under budget. He couldn't care less what one I picked.

By the end, I was a bit embarrassed and really surprised at his behaviour; it made me feel as though he doesn't really care about the relationship any more.

For me, the point of wearing a ring is the sentiment. I don't want it as just a shiny object, I honestly couldn't care less about that. I want it as a reminder of our love for each other. I want it to be truly from him to me. I explained this after the appointment, and thought he got my point.

The chosen ring needed resizing, so we have been waiting to pick it up. I thought he might redeem himself and present it to me in a nice way (down on one knee, a few nice words and a big bear hug kind of thing); but it's just arrived, and he is hungover and grumpy today and I can see that he has just bunged the bag under the Christmas tree for me to open myself tomorrow.

I really want to avoid this ring being forever associated in my mind with disappointment/semi rejection… so I tried to give him a gentle tip-off this evening that I would like him to give me the ring himself; maybe with some sort of sentiment attached?

Well maybe I didn't explain myself well, but that seemed to send him into even more of a grump, and now he's asleep and I think I'm getting the silent treatment… I really dread the silent treatment.

In my head I know it's a first world problem and we're not newlyweds any more, and maybe I should lower my expectations for having some sort of grand romance, and just get on with life.

But honestly, that makes me so sad. We've always had the most close, loving relationship, and this is making me feel like maybe something has changed. It just hurts a little bit. AIBU to be so disappointed?

OP posts:
Mumof2NDers · 25/12/2023 09:09

Mmmmpavlova · 25/12/2023 01:20

I'm very grateful for the replies, especially the ones telling me to get over myself (honestly!). I am sort of hoping to be unreasonable here.

He's normally a great one, truly - bar the silent treatment thing when in a mood (as he has no idea how to do conflict) - thankfully a fairly rare occurrence, but yes, is really crap when it happens

My DH occasionally sulks and gives me the silent treatment. Doesn’t bother me at all. Saves me having to listen to him chat shite! 😂😂

Butchyrestingface · 25/12/2023 09:10

I think you need a tiara and horse-drawn carriage to go with that ring.

How are you at sleeping on mattresses with a pea underneath them? Xmas Grin

Finlesswonder · 25/12/2023 09:12

It would piss me off to have to buy someone the exact same expensive present twice

Idunno8 · 25/12/2023 09:17

You lost the first ring and he bought you a new one, which is very kind, how ever cheap it was, its an engagement ring… its not the cheap. Now you want a song and dance about the new one, im not surprised he’s a but grumpy. You are being unreasonable.

NutellaNut · 25/12/2023 09:18

It isn’t your engagement ring, it’s just a replacement for the ring you lost. I do think YABU to expect it to have the same meaning as the first one and effectively want a repeat proposal. How did you lose that ring by the way? As a previous poster said, maybe he’s miffed that you lost the first one? Your expectations are way over the top.

Neitheronethingnortheother · 25/12/2023 09:18

TippyToes123 · 25/12/2023 08:20

Oh for goodness sake, abuse? There's really no need to be so dramatic.

Show quote history

Legally silent treatment is abuse. Stating that is not as dramatic as your reply to me.

MassiveOvaryaction · 25/12/2023 09:21

badhappenings · 25/12/2023 09:06

YANBU
It's gutting to lose something so special.

I'm not surprised you feel let down by him.

I think it should have been at least a bit of a special occasion, and his total lack of interest would have upset me too. It's not like you went shopping for a box of teabags! I hope that changes and it goes well for you today💐

Igmore all the trolls, they're immensley bitter this time of year.

Do you know that "troll" is not the same as "person who doesn't agree with me"? Confused

Aroundthewaygirl · 25/12/2023 09:22

I don’t think he needs to re propose to you, but he couldve shown more interest. And the silent treatment would ruin everything regardless if he decides to do a proposal or not.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 25/12/2023 09:25

HowAmYa · 25/12/2023 08:19

So the silent treatment is acceptable?

Its not about the ring or the experience. Its about just being a dick then thinking it's ok to also be controlling. Seriously whats happened to people's standards in how to treat one another these days?!

I'm going by what the op described. I couldn't treat my dp like that.

Show quote history

Firstly, he went to bed.

You might bang on talking all night but most don’t.

But also be quiet isn’t always the silent treatment and it’s not always abusive.

It can be a reaction to abuse. And a million things in between.

They aren’t getting engaged. He is replacing a lost engagement ring. And he had even given it to her when she was complaining about how it was given to her.

Most people couldn’t be fussed about with a discussion, about how one person made up that it was a reenactment of their engagement and expected a proposal style presentation of the present, told me I shoved it under the tree and they didn’t like that the situation they made up in their head didn’t happen. All on Christmas Eve before I had even given the present.

Its bonkers. He shoved the ring under the tree? Doesn’t even make sense. The addition of the word shoved is there to portray he didn’t care yet millions of people all placed gifts under trees last night and it’s usually seen as an act of care.

But because op assumed she wasn’t getting the fantasy she made up in her head, it’s not an act of care? Or because it’s a man it’s not an act of care?

Sugarsun · 25/12/2023 09:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Itsnamechange · 25/12/2023 09:30

I really think Hollywood has ruined women's perception of romantic love. You're looking for a performance here. What you've imagined isn't the norm, why would he propose to you again? He's not a mind reader, why would he even know you're looking for that?
The silent treatment isn't OK, address his communication skills with him. However you need to think more about what's really important in a relationship.

PSG · 25/12/2023 09:31

There’s a time and a place for everything and the engagement has already taken place x years ago. I wouldn’t have been able to come across as too bothered either.

Itsnamechange · 25/12/2023 09:32

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

They've been married for a decade.

Sugarsun · 25/12/2023 09:34

Itsnamechange · 25/12/2023 09:32

They've been married for a decade.

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You are completely right! I thought it said they’d been engaged for a decade, which is why OP was so upset!
Thanks!

ActDottie · 25/12/2023 09:34

Sunnydays0101 · 25/12/2023 00:59

I think you were/are expecting too much re the ring. You see the ring as like a second engagement/proposal - your DH sees it for what it is, a replacement for the ring you lost.

This. I can’t imagine losing my ring and expecting my husband to propose again and go all romantic.

caringcarer · 25/12/2023 09:36

Grimpo · 25/12/2023 08:03

But how is he supposed to know how a "new ring experience" is meant to go? It's not as if there's any sort of established tradition around it. It's not as if it's a formal renewal of vows or anything, it's simply replacing something that got lost.

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OP has given him a heads up. He just chose to be on his phone disinterested.

stayathomer · 25/12/2023 09:36

Whenever myself and dh have a fight dh uses the word ‘irrational’ to get me riled up and I always say ‘I couldn’t care less if I’m irrational, feelings are irrational in general but it’s how I feel!’ That kind of applies here, it doesn’t matter whether it’s necessary or unnecessary for him to do this a certain way or act enthusiastic, but it’s not a big deal and no skin off his nose to do it enthusiastically or make an effort

Qwerty556 · 25/12/2023 09:38

brainworms · 25/12/2023 01:03

Men are so fucking crap, honestly.

Women are so fucking needy, honestly.

Nanny0gg · 25/12/2023 09:40

Mmmmpavlova · 25/12/2023 01:15

Yes, I think you're right. You've phrased that in a way I needed to hear... I am reading into it as a symbol of our feelings for each other.... maybe he is not.

Also - yes, I am very lucky that we can get a replacement. Completely.

To add - he originally seemed as keen on the idea as me, which is why this seems a turn around.

Show quote history

He still didn't need to behave the way he did in the shop.

Rude

caringcarer · 25/12/2023 09:45

stayathomer · 25/12/2023 09:36

Whenever myself and dh have a fight dh uses the word ‘irrational’ to get me riled up and I always say ‘I couldn’t care less if I’m irrational, feelings are irrational in general but it’s how I feel!’ That kind of applies here, it doesn’t matter whether it’s necessary or unnecessary for him to do this a certain way or act enthusiastic, but it’s not a big deal and no skin off his nose to do it enthusiastically or make an effort

They are married, he should know his wife well enough to know she was excited to be getting the replacement ring and act accordingly to make it special for her. When I had a replacement wedding ring because my fingers swelled up when pregnant my dh bought me an identical ring in a bigger size and when we were out for a meal held me hand, looked into my eyes and slipped it on my finger telling me he always wanted to be married to me. It took him 2 minutes but made me happy. I think that's all OP was looking for a bit of enthusiasm and romance. He just couldn't be arsed.

3peassuit · 25/12/2023 09:46

I think if I lost my ring my husband would buy me another but he would see it just as a replacement; rather like buying a toaster if the old one packed up. It doesn’t mean your DH doesn’t love and value you, he just views this in a different way.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 25/12/2023 09:47

Crikey, I never had an engagement ring at all. At the time (back in the Dark Ages) dh thought ‘getting engaged’ was desperately uncool. He’d probably have said ‘naff’ if the word had then been invented.

He did give me a lovely ring right after the birth of dd2, which meant a great deal more to me.

LadyBird1973 · 25/12/2023 09:49

He agreed to go shopping for a new one and therefore shouldn't behave like a grumpy arse in the shops. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that buying a new ring is meant to be pleasurable (irrespective of how the original came your way be lost) and he ruined that for the OP.
Silent treatment is also arsehole behaviour - OP is only focusing on a big presentation because she's worried he doesn't love her/has mentally checked out, so is looking for some reassurance on a way that would be meaningful to her. It's fucking horrible to call someone a princess, who is basically just worried.

Calliopespa · 25/12/2023 09:50

LumpyPumpkin · 25/12/2023 01:02

He bought you a ring. You lost it. Now he is expected to buy you another one, act excited about it and re-propose to you? You're being unreasonable.

I understand why you thought it could be a nice romantic experience but what does he actually get out of this? He already (presumably) picked a ring out for you, paid for it and proposed. That is when the romance was due.

Now it's a decade on. You have lost the gift he gave you and you expect him to be excited about buying you another ring.

Did you get him an engagement gift? Would you get him another if he lost the first?

If, as you say, he's usually a loving partner. I think you need to let this one slide.

I’m sorry I agree OP. Some guys actually find all the bended knee stuff an ordeal the first time round. My instinct is he’s grumpy because he’s feeling you are trying to puppeteer him into that and he really doesn’t want to. I think you might just have to content yourself with the fact he’s replaced it ( presumably without a whinge that you lost it, which in itself might have tested his self restraint) and take the pressure off him.

Ladybrrrd · 25/12/2023 09:51

I find expecting people to react a certain way to anything, and then holding them to it, rarely ends well. That is very unreasonable to me. People can't help how they react or feel about things, and asking them to fake it is very odd.

I think the sentence where you say you feel very guilty and you wanted him to make you feel better is telling. He's not responsible for your feelings.

Well done for listening to advice though. Hope you have a lovely Xmas day OP. Give him a smile and wink when you open the ring.

Oh, and people need to stop throwing around the word abuse when there is zero evidence. That's a very serious word, let's not minimise it.