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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Ring disappointment...

133 replies

Mmmmpavlova · 25/12/2023 00:47

I'm feeling a bit hurt about a situation with my DH, but maybe my expectations are too high.

We've been together years and married nearly a decade. Unfortunately I lost my engagement ring earlier this year. It wasn't an expensive one, but obviously for sentimental reasons I miss it.

We both decided that it would be nice to get a new one, so we went to the jewellers together to pick one out. I was excited, expecting it to be a lovely bonding experience. But during the appointment he was acting completely checked out. He clearly found the whole thing boring, and spent most of the time on his phone. I chose the one as close as possible to my original - simple and well under budget. He couldn't care less what one I picked.

By the end, I was a bit embarrassed and really surprised at his behaviour; it made me feel as though he doesn't really care about the relationship any more.

For me, the point of wearing a ring is the sentiment. I don't want it as just a shiny object, I honestly couldn't care less about that. I want it as a reminder of our love for each other. I want it to be truly from him to me. I explained this after the appointment, and thought he got my point.

The chosen ring needed resizing, so we have been waiting to pick it up. I thought he might redeem himself and present it to me in a nice way (down on one knee, a few nice words and a big bear hug kind of thing); but it's just arrived, and he is hungover and grumpy today and I can see that he has just bunged the bag under the Christmas tree for me to open myself tomorrow.

I really want to avoid this ring being forever associated in my mind with disappointment/semi rejection… so I tried to give him a gentle tip-off this evening that I would like him to give me the ring himself; maybe with some sort of sentiment attached?

Well maybe I didn't explain myself well, but that seemed to send him into even more of a grump, and now he's asleep and I think I'm getting the silent treatment… I really dread the silent treatment.

In my head I know it's a first world problem and we're not newlyweds any more, and maybe I should lower my expectations for having some sort of grand romance, and just get on with life.

But honestly, that makes me so sad. We've always had the most close, loving relationship, and this is making me feel like maybe something has changed. It just hurts a little bit. AIBU to be so disappointed?

OP posts:
VanityDiesHard · 27/12/2023 16:17

Heyhoitsme · 27/12/2023 09:08

You can't force him to be romantic. He's a man,they rarely do romance.

Way to generalise. Also, RTFT.

CameltoeParkerBowles · 27/12/2023 17:43

LumpyPumpkin · 25/12/2023 01:02

He bought you a ring. You lost it. Now he is expected to buy you another one, act excited about it and re-propose to you? You're being unreasonable.

I understand why you thought it could be a nice romantic experience but what does he actually get out of this? He already (presumably) picked a ring out for you, paid for it and proposed. That is when the romance was due.

Now it's a decade on. You have lost the gift he gave you and you expect him to be excited about buying you another ring.

Did you get him an engagement gift? Would you get him another if he lost the first?

If, as you say, he's usually a loving partner. I think you need to let this one slide.

This.

lilkitten · 14/01/2024 14:21

Just seen this thread. I'm a jeweller, we just make bespoke to order, and even with that we find most men aren't fussed and don't give much input. They're more often there to show support and pay. It's really nice when they do have a joint design, but more often than not it's more a case that they're happy with whatever she likes.

Heather37231 · 14/01/2024 14:31

@Mmmmpavlova don’t know if you are still reading, lovely outcome. Just a very quick comment, it really jumped out to me that you said he spent most of the time in the shop “on his phone”.

Phone addiction is real. We have got to the point where it only takes the real-life situation to stop being 100% captivating for a millisecond and out comes the phone and we are getting our next hit of Mumsnet or X or BBC Sport or whatever. I do it, my DH does it. I’ve had to ask him not to watch TV and scroll the phone at the same time, or to put it away when he’s walking down the street. I’ve started picking up my phone as I wait for water to boil while cooking instead of getting on with some other thing to prep the meal. It’s scary. We’re working on weaning ourselves off. But maybe that is a clue to what came over him in the shop?

coldcallerbaiter · 14/01/2024 14:35

Retail diamond rings are a waste of money. Try reselling it back to the jeweller or to someone else 2 minutes after you bought it! - that is the true value, maybe half.

You are better off with a weekend away somewhere for a bit of bonding and replace the ring from eBay, secondhand….

It is a replacement ring, you are not getting engaged. He just does not get it….if dh was to lose his wedding ring, would you make a song and dance out if replacing it?

oakleaffy · 14/01/2024 16:45

Heather37231 · 14/01/2024 14:31

@Mmmmpavlova don’t know if you are still reading, lovely outcome. Just a very quick comment, it really jumped out to me that you said he spent most of the time in the shop “on his phone”.

Phone addiction is real. We have got to the point where it only takes the real-life situation to stop being 100% captivating for a millisecond and out comes the phone and we are getting our next hit of Mumsnet or X or BBC Sport or whatever. I do it, my DH does it. I’ve had to ask him not to watch TV and scroll the phone at the same time, or to put it away when he’s walking down the street. I’ve started picking up my phone as I wait for water to boil while cooking instead of getting on with some other thing to prep the meal. It’s scary. We’re working on weaning ourselves off. But maybe that is a clue to what came over him in the shop?

Edited

You are right!😨
I left my phone behind and I realised how much I used it for mindless scrolling on mumsnet while walking along on the pavement or waiting for stuff to cook!
shocking.
My son does it too.
very addictive things.

Heather37231 · 14/01/2024 17:05

I do slightly disagree that the scrolling is by definition “mindless”- there is lots of really interesting stuff on the Internet, Mumsnet included. That’s the problem actually, it’s more interesting than watching a pilot boil, ha ha. But we lose perspective and forget that other things in real life are interesting as we are so used to reaching for the phone.

Thepeopleversuswork · 14/01/2024 17:10

I would be very nonplussed if my DP saw replacing a lost ring as an excuse for a new proposal.

I think your expectations around this are very odd to be honest.

I’m not a ring person and have never understood the sentiment and faff about them so maybe just me but you seem to have hugely over invested in the significance of replacing a lost bit of jewellery.

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