To be so disappointed in this evening

[Anonymous2411]

A bit of context, myself, DP and 13 year old were meant to be house sitting so we’d invited DP’s dad and step mum for dinner. It’s a big house with lots of kitchen space etc. That fell through which is a bit of a nightmare as I wouldn't have invited them to ours. I don’t really have the space and now feel pressured to make sure the house is immaculate. Anyway, tried to make the most of it and have spend the last two days organising, cleaning, shopping, all the bullshit that all of us do. DP has spent most of this time chilling out, why wouldn’t he? At around 7pm today, after going all fucking day, I went upstairs and a light had been left on. I called down “please can you not leave lights on?” To which he responded “oh don’t start”. Given that he’d just spend 4 hours playing fifa whilst I cleaned, baked, set table, this pissed me right off. He’s upset because of HOW I said it, my tone wasn’t very nice apparently. I explained that I’m exhausted and genuinely don’t think I said anything rude/nasty.

The evenings now fucked, he’s moping about feeling very attacked, and I am absolutely defeated. I was 20 minutes away from finishing everything and sitting down, maybe watch a film, have a cuddle and feel festive. Instead he’s having a well earned relaxing bath and I’m on the sofa crying. DD has just made a brief appearance and let me know that it doesn’t feel very Christmassy which is a nice cherry on the top.

Honestly fuck Christmas, fuck the ungrateful household, fuck the pressure, fuck the guilt that you’re failing even though you’re working your arse off. I’m just so so sad right now.

Honestly, bollocks to him. Bloody men sitting there relaxing while most women do everything. The pressure is immense ffs and exhausting. Nothing to say to help I'm afraid, just that I feel you.
Try to relax now and put your feet up for a bit possibly with your DD

If my partner spent 4 hours on Christmas eve playing fifa whilst I did all the work, I'd give myself a divorce for Christmas.

In your situation at the very least, I'd book myself into a spa hotel tomorrow and fuck off until boxing day. He can feed and water his own parents this Christmas.

Seriously op it's not 1930, don't be a doormat for useless, inconsiderate man children.

Thank you xx I swear they are all living the same lives. Feet are firmly up with a massive drink in hand

Why do you do this to yourself?

I am single. I’ve had a lovely day pottering about. Why the pressure do make everything perfect when no one else is bothered.

Please yourself - clearly your husband is.

Why on earth would you want to cuddle that lazy ungrateful useless wanker?

It is very 1930’s, I know. I’m a complete dick for facilitating the man child crap. Post Christmas I’m going to start a serious conversation regarding team work, I could not imagine sitting on my arse whilst my team mate was grafting away in front of me

The thing is, they aren't.
A lot of women settle for useless fuckers and stay... because it's common for other women around them to do that (mothers, sisters etc). They therefore think its normal. But it's not normal.

Normal partners pull their weight. As a bare minimum. Normal partners consider your feelings. Normal partners buy you Christmas presents and do THEIR SHARE of the cooking/cleaning for relatives coming. Just because it's common for men to be shit and women to tolerate it, doesn't mean its normal or that you should.

Do you want your forever to look this way?
Or your daughters future, because she too, thinks this shit is normal?

This is why I am single.

Did you at any point ask him to step in? Did you discuss who is responsible for what ahead of time? Or did you just expect him to read your mind?
I am not defending him but I also suspect you just got on with jobs without his involvement. Use your words before you reach a breaking point.

I don’t blame him for chilling - what a sensible way to spend Christmas. You have chosen to run round like a blue arsed fly when you could have adopted a take us as you find us attitude and got a takeaway or a cook meal or whatever and also spent your time relaxing. Why is his choice criticised - stop martyring yourself and start making better choices as to what to do with your time.

I don’t know, I am genuinely really asking myself that right now. I think I place a lot of my self worth on what I can give/do. I need to be more reciprocal to the effort that actually get

I’m sorry but honestly I don’t know how you can put up with that from him. He didn’t help and then he’s off to have a bath while you’re thinking about how he’s feeling. I agree with pp’s about your dd seeing this behaviour from him too.

I'd be "accidentally" dropping the fucking fifa game down the back of the TV/cupboard for a start. What adult spends four HOURS playing a game while their partner visibly slaves away and does absolutely everything?! Even my teenagers wouldn't do this.
Don't you dare apologise. I'd be off to bed personally.

Yes I asked him to do a couple of things today, and re asked after a while to be told “I don’t need to do them right now”. We probably could’ve done with a bit more of a plan regarding what needs doing, definitely note that down for next time

You do need to insist on him doing his fair share but equally it’s very inconsiderate of him to sit playing games while you run around.

How would you have felt getting everyone involved? You could have done the preparation as a family, put xmas music on and had a glass of wine or something vs doing it all yourself. But both him and your daughter sound like they’re used to you facilitating everything. How old is she? Did she help at all? Could have been a family effort.

Op. Don't cry.

Why are you placing all this pressure on yourself. Its your home. Who are your dad and step mum to judge. They're your guests, they should be grateful for the invite and a free meal.. that's about all you had to do.

I'm going to be a minority here but you didn't need to raise the light. It cost pence to turn on and it can be a genuine mistake to walk out the room and leave it on. Just switch it off no harm no foul. If however your issue is really that your DP did nothing all day then I understand and you are entitled to a rest. But don't ruin your Xmas by holding this against him. People can be insensitive but your reaction ultimately defines how you feel so let it go and relax xx

He'd have got away with that for maybe 30 minutes with me just because it's Xmas eve. But then I'd have said " Right what are you going to do off this list now?" That's would be normal. What you're doing / accepting is not normal.

But why should op have to explain to another grown adult what needs done? Let alone for their own family visiting!

If my family were coming fir Xmas, I'd automatically start tidying. I wouldn't play a video game and just expect ny partner to get on with it.

Why should the onus be on her to prompt him to do his own share of preparing the home?

We're often taught as women that we need to baby men. We do not. They are adults capable of thinking and doing for themselves. It's not our job to do their share.

He doesn't have to read her mind to know that there's work to be done and take the initiative to start on some of it.

It's his stepmum and dad coming round so surely it could have been his responsibility to use his words to discuss who was responsible for what ahead of time

He's not an idiot, he knows she's rushing round like a blue arsed fly whilst he sits there playing a game. If he really cared he could have stopped her and discussed a sensible split of work

Putting the burden of communication on the woman is just part of the fucking problem in the first place

The thing is though, they aren't all like this

And going along with the sterotype that all men are like this doesn't help you because it puts you in a positon where you feel like you need to accept this crap as part of being in a hetrosexual relationship

Where are in reality there are plenty of men out there pulling their weight fairly who wouldn't dream of sitting around gaming whilst their partner is doing all the hard work. And you deserve one of those men too

I think you’re spot on, I do far too much for both of them, to the point where I snap and feel taken the piss out off. I’m a complete martyr. To have them both help out would’ve been lovely, especially making it Christmassy and fun. I’ll keep that in mind for next year

OK, my mistake. The OP should carry on without any communication whatsoever expecting a different outcome. I'll just bugger off to enjoy my glass of wine having had all the jobs shared in the family.

So the $50k question is....are you going to run about like a blue arsed fly again tomorrow and do all the prepping and cooking and clearing up? If that's what you're going to do then you might as well delete this thread and accept this is your life. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Thank you. I know I am really overthinking it and putting a lot of pressure on myself. I just want everyone to have a lovely day