To be so disappointed in this evening

[Anonymous2411]

A bit of context, myself, DP and 13 year old were meant to be house sitting so we’d invited DP’s dad and step mum for dinner. It’s a big house with lots of kitchen space etc. That fell through which is a bit of a nightmare as I wouldn't have invited them to ours. I don’t really have the space and now feel pressured to make sure the house is immaculate. Anyway, tried to make the most of it and have spend the last two days organising, cleaning, shopping, all the bullshit that all of us do. DP has spent most of this time chilling out, why wouldn’t he? At around 7pm today, after going all fucking day, I went upstairs and a light had been left on. I called down “please can you not leave lights on?” To which he responded “oh don’t start”. Given that he’d just spend 4 hours playing fifa whilst I cleaned, baked, set table, this pissed me right off. He’s upset because of HOW I said it, my tone wasn’t very nice apparently. I explained that I’m exhausted and genuinely don’t think I said anything rude/nasty.

The evenings now fucked, he’s moping about feeling very attacked, and I am absolutely defeated. I was 20 minutes away from finishing everything and sitting down, maybe watch a film, have a cuddle and feel festive. Instead he’s having a well earned relaxing bath and I’m on the sofa crying. DD has just made a brief appearance and let me know that it doesn’t feel very Christmassy which is a nice cherry on the top.

Honestly fuck Christmas, fuck the ungrateful household, fuck the pressure, fuck the guilt that you’re failing even though you’re working your arse off. I’m just so so sad right now.

XH "couldn't see" what needed doing unless I told him. He seemed immune to ongoing house jobs that needed doing. To him, the messy kitchen wasn't messy. The filthy bathroom wasn't filthy.

We had very different standards of acceptable clean/mess.

I ended up lowering my standards to his 90% of the time, and let him run around like a blue arsed fly on his mother's visit every other year.

It was fun the occasional times that he'd comment to me that he'd cleaned the X room as it was dirty. "What do you want, a medal?" was the standard response.

Life without him is so much better.

It’s not up to a woman or a man. It’s up to a couple to communicate with each other about a family event which they are supposed to host as a couple. You want your husband to read your mind because you have principles? Knock yourself out. I trust this is helping you to reach harmony in your relationship.
It’s not how our relationship works though. We both talk to each other about our needs, thoughts and feelings without resorting to martyrdom and one-upmaship. I am simply suggesting that effective communication could help the OP to avoid burnout.

Only one person can have the mental load for organising an event / task. Sometimes its my husband and sometimes it me. However, even if I'm in charge of something, he gets delegated loads of tasks to make it manageable. You need to organise what needs doing and figure out what he should be doing within that- shopping, prepping food, cleaning etc. No one should every be running themselves ragged while their other half is paying 4 hours of video games. You need to have a serious chat.

OP has already said she asked him to do a couple of things earlier today, and he dismissed saying it didn't need to be done now. But evidently now meant never.

From today's Guardian. No comfort but may raise a smile xxx

I hope you're going to have a nice chilled out morning, make you and dd some breakfast, open pressies then sit down and tell your dh that as he sat on his arse all day yesterday playing FIFA, he gets to cook Christmas dinner.

You’re not alone. My run up to Xmas has been busy, stressful and expensive.
Today was meant to be my day off( I’ll be cooking dinner for family/ parents tomorrow), and it’s been thoroughly miserable for various reasons.
Right now I'm fantasising about Christmas in an isolated log cabin in remote Scotland, with just Netflix and chocolate for company.

I’m torn on it because myself and dh spent the last two days tearing the place apart to get it ready for visitors and we’re nagging at the kids who would help for a few minutes then disappear. After this happening loads dh said ‘it’s Christmas will you just help us without nagging’ and ds said but why do you want the place ridiculously clean when it’s not like that usually, you’re doing ridiculous stuff and cleaning where nobody’s even going to be. And I have to admit I thought ‘wtf are we doing?’ The people coming know what our house looks like usually, and we’d passed the ‘oh sorry it’s a bit of a mess state’, it was already looking better than usual. We had to keep going because we had to make beds etc but it’s true, to a certain extent we put this shit on ourselves. Yes your dp should have helped more, but I think other people don’t see it (Ps dh wouldn’t usually help so much but it’s his side coming and they are extremely clean people!!!) Hope tomorrow ends up being a nice relaxed day for you

Thus is so spot on.

OP, relax and let him get on with it.

In our house now whoever's guests are coming is in generally charge of hosting. Dh invites people over more so that means he does more of the organisation on average. That's not to say I don't lift a finger but it takes away the mental load.

'dh wouldn’t usually help so much'

I get what you are saying but please stop thinking of it as him 'helping' ... he lives there too. Why is it by default up to you, and he just gets to 'help'? It's just as much his responsibility as indeed it is in the OP's case.

The thing that jumped out at me from this story is your poor daughter!

tour husband sounds like a dick. But deal with that car crash in the new year. Focus on your poor daughter who sounds like she has had a pretty unhappy Christmas Eve.

Why did you let him just sit there for 4 hours? Why didn't you give a list of what you wanted him to do? Most men are crap at knowing what's wanted of them without specific instructions. Preferably with a timetable attached.

Stop doing it.stop the martyr dom.Its not 1950.

Well, for me, and not meaning to be harsh, two people are coming to dinner. And they’re family. It’s not a state banquet, I don’t see how much there really is to do!?! By all means, tell your husband to pull his weight a bit more (but it sounds like it’s something he needs to do in general), but no scrubbing or deep cleaning really required, so sit and pour yourself your favourite drink. Martyr’s not required in this instance. And have a lovely Christmas.

RachelGreeneGreep
yeah shouldn’t have used that phrase, I meant ‘get so into it’, and to be fair we’re fairly equal in the last two years as he wfh 3 days a week and I’m retail and not at home as much but yes we’re both not usually insane cleaners or tidiest (as we have 4 kids work ft and are wrecked most of the time)

Janey - I don’t do most of it. No adult presents, no hosting, low key visiting - often at a place so no hosting for anyone.
But that doesn’t change the picture perfect images on TV and SM of family feasts, 10
people all smiling in Christmas hats etc.
I’m not the victim of all the Christmas shit, but millions are unfortunately, including the op.
Christmas does really piss me off anyway though. It’s hard to get stuff done and the shops are stuffed with shite. I am taking my tree down tomorrow evening, will have a bloody good clean up and move forwards productively.

Just have a drink and stop knocking yourself out!

I actually agree with her. A lot of men look on in bemusement at women rushing around trying to make everything "perfect", they don't understand why it has to be - and let's face it, there are women who martyr themselves, and sigh loudly when their partners don't offer to help, and yet wouldn't dream of actually asking for help or suggesting ways they could help.

There are so many threads on MN where women (usually) are complaining about their men (usually) over things which could be settled if only the issue was actually discussed, rationally.

Surely you know how to change the router code to keep him off his toys!

Seriously??? The "poor daughter" is 13, well old enough to do some helping herself. It sounds as though she is sitting in her room and has only made an appearance to complain that it doesn't feel Christmassy.

I'm also a victim of the "oh don't start" brigade :(. I suppose it was FIL who refined it because DH is clearly on autopilot when he parrots it, but there's no good counter to it so it shuts down all disagreements...

This ex-husband who is good at cooking and even makes Christmas cakes…..is he single? 😃Asking for a friend 😂😂

Total sympathy to @Anonymous2411 .

I have been told off on MN many times for saying this, but many men need to be educated on these issues, because their mothers didn't do it.

You say he spent four hours playing FIFA? Did he do that alone or in his mind did he spend four hours entertaining the kids so you could do a bit of tidying up? Push the hoover around.

Do not underestimate a man's ability to overestimate what he has achieved today.

Sorry but I think yabu. He wasn't bothered about what his parents thought about his house so why should you? You took it upon yourself to do all of that work and to make it seem perfect. Did it all actually need to be done?