To be so disappointed in this evening

[Anonymous2411]

A bit of context, myself, DP and 13 year old were meant to be house sitting so we’d invited DP’s dad and step mum for dinner. It’s a big house with lots of kitchen space etc. That fell through which is a bit of a nightmare as I wouldn't have invited them to ours. I don’t really have the space and now feel pressured to make sure the house is immaculate. Anyway, tried to make the most of it and have spend the last two days organising, cleaning, shopping, all the bullshit that all of us do. DP has spent most of this time chilling out, why wouldn’t he? At around 7pm today, after going all fucking day, I went upstairs and a light had been left on. I called down “please can you not leave lights on?” To which he responded “oh don’t start”. Given that he’d just spend 4 hours playing fifa whilst I cleaned, baked, set table, this pissed me right off. He’s upset because of HOW I said it, my tone wasn’t very nice apparently. I explained that I’m exhausted and genuinely don’t think I said anything rude/nasty.

The evenings now fucked, he’s moping about feeling very attacked, and I am absolutely defeated. I was 20 minutes away from finishing everything and sitting down, maybe watch a film, have a cuddle and feel festive. Instead he’s having a well earned relaxing bath and I’m on the sofa crying. DD has just made a brief appearance and let me know that it doesn’t feel very Christmassy which is a nice cherry on the top.

Honestly fuck Christmas, fuck the ungrateful household, fuck the pressure, fuck the guilt that you’re failing even though you’re working your arse off. I’m just so so sad right now.

@LorlieS I agree, but you can't tell people not to judge you, they have to decide not to judge you. You can decide to fly in the fact of such judgement, but it comes with social consequences that can be really tough to bear.
It's not up to those being judged to change the game. (And a lot of the time it's women being judgemental about other women: the studies I referred to show that this negative judgement of women is done, mostly completely subconsciously, by both women and men - internalised misogyny is a powerful thing...)

Ultimately it's really hard, and shit, cos individuals can't, on their own, overturn deep-rooted cultural systems.

None of this excuses the OP's partner from not pulling his weight, and he needs to pull his finger out ASAP, but it explains why he doesn't feel the pressure the way she does. It's like she's preparing for an exam that he isn't sitting.

A few days ago I had to remind myself to be grateful for everything I have.
Find the joy in the little things.
Enjoy your drink and have a merry Christmas sweetheart x

Why is it up to the women to decide and communicate what is required for the day? Men do have brains and the ability to think.

You have no idea what my hosting is like, but since you ask - in my house, my DH and I do everything 50:50 and when we host, which we do frequently, between us we do cook from scratch and we both take on the load of tidying etc without having to ask each other to pitch in. BUT there is absolutely no way I would be running about if my partner was sitting doing nothing. That is entirely on the OP that she chooses to do that. I cannot bear the woe is me attitude that is entirely self inflicted

Please don’t fall into the trap of thinking all men are like this. My husband is my equal partner. We work as a team to get things done- don’t accept less for yourself. You deserve more.

This is quite typical. Christmas is a bloody hell of a job for millions of people. Disproportionately women. Pressure to make everything lovely for others. Pressure to serve up feasts, get special gifts, hostess with the mostest. I fucking hate it. It ought to be cancelled, apart from for small kids.

So did you spend your time slaving to make the place nice for HIS parents while he sat on his arse?

Make some New Years Resolutions to get this sorted: he either pulls his weight or you'll upgrade him to a model with a lot more features.

Stop working your arse off.

I’d find it OTT if my partner did all you did and wouldn’t appreciate it tbh. We share the load together but neither of us have cleaned the house top to bottom (tidy is fine enough for us), we did one food shop and we only buy for family children no adults. Half our own child’s gifts aren’t even wrapped (just in gift bags with tissue) because they don’t care so why stress ourselves, they’d rather have a happy chill Christmas and so would we. Seriously consider all this pressure you add on and is it worth it? Does anyone run about getting you the perfect gift and wrapping it? Why all the stress and faff?

I agree. I've got a houseful for Christmas, I changed the beds as I always do for visitors. Did a Sainsbury's order weeks ago which was delivered today. Tomorrow I cook a roast dinner. I don't understand the days of work.

My dh isn't like this at all.
Not a bit. He would never see me doing all of that alone. Every single thing is a shared responsibility here. But then again I wouldn't entertain someone like your dp. You get what you settle for and you settled for this. Why did you allow 4 hours to go by without saying a thing? And you are running around because his family is visiting. More fool you. You are the one sitting and crying. You also have a 13yo, why on earth didn't she pitch in and help you?? My 7yo popped his head around the kitchen while I started unpacking the dishwasher and insisted he took over. Your family treated you like a skivvy, why are you ok with that?

But you don’t have to do it? Seriously nobody is making you. Half my child’s gifts are in gift bags or boxes with tissue paper vs wrapping, my husband helped wrap the rest, we did one big food shop online my husband collected and a lot is pre-prepped stuff, we tidied today but didn’t stress about having a show home. We don’t do Christmas cards, gifts are only for children in the family and we focus more on what to get our own children. Tomorrow we will throw some bits in the oven and snack and nibble the day away and have fun! The world didn’t end when we decided to have a happier more relaxed Christmas!

Your post really cheered me up!

I agree it was silly to pull him up on the light thing when the thing you were really rightly annoyed about was him doing nothing to help and playing FIFA.
But men are seriously not all like this and I wouldn’t tolerate it for a single second. My DH does all the Xmas food prep and cooking and I do presents and everything else like decorating the house we do together. You’re making a choice to stay with a moron like this

The sad thing is the OP is doing all this and who cares? The 13 year old would probably love a relaxed happy Christmas and instead she has a spotless house, perfect shopping and unhappy parents with a not very nice atmosphere in the house.

SO true! The atmosphere is what she will remember too. Kids don’t care about a clean home but will about a horrible tense atmosphere.

It sounds as though you are having a miserable time, but even if your DD hasn’t seen you actually crying, she will have picked up on the atmosphere. Your DH is definitely being an arse, but it’s not your DD’s fault.

Your DH needs to stop acting like your third child, but you also need to let go of your fear of judgement and let him sort things out tomorrow as you have already done enough.

Good post, 100% agree.

I planned the last two days prep and split the tasks 50/50 so we both had down time. Maybe next year we will do things differently, an online shop

What kind of loser plays video games at his age..

especially Fifa

Genuine question if you'd have plonked yourself down next to him and said well if you're not going to do anything neither am I, would he have got off his arse? Because next time that's exactly what I would do and wait for his family to turn up.

Well I am a 50 year old woman and I am a gamer. But its not to the detriment of my family.

Golfers, cyclists, runners, rugger buggers, weekend league footie players etc, they can all do that in order to abdicate their responsibilties. Whats the issue with the hobby being gaming?

He wouldn't last 5 minutes with me...because I wouldn't put up with this crap.

My partner is jthat. We share everything because we respect and like each other as a starting point. Raise your bar op. He is a lazy twat.

I was nervous about risking a big shop being delivered on Christmas Eve. I booked an early delivery so I could dash out and try to get the missing items.

The reality? Well the loose muchrooms I wanted weren't available so I had to make do with some prepacked ones. The horor.

I'm definitely doing it again next year. Had a lovely relaxed day

Maybe the partner who decides the house has to be immaculate, cleaned from top to bottom, time spent shopping etc is the one who should change. Why not do it in a more relaxed way?

Fortunately my husband has the same attitude as me and we all have a relaxed and happy time.