To be so disappointed in this evening

[Anonymous2411]

A bit of context, myself, DP and 13 year old were meant to be house sitting so we’d invited DP’s dad and step mum for dinner. It’s a big house with lots of kitchen space etc. That fell through which is a bit of a nightmare as I wouldn't have invited them to ours. I don’t really have the space and now feel pressured to make sure the house is immaculate. Anyway, tried to make the most of it and have spend the last two days organising, cleaning, shopping, all the bullshit that all of us do. DP has spent most of this time chilling out, why wouldn’t he? At around 7pm today, after going all fucking day, I went upstairs and a light had been left on. I called down “please can you not leave lights on?” To which he responded “oh don’t start”. Given that he’d just spend 4 hours playing fifa whilst I cleaned, baked, set table, this pissed me right off. He’s upset because of HOW I said it, my tone wasn’t very nice apparently. I explained that I’m exhausted and genuinely don’t think I said anything rude/nasty.

The evenings now fucked, he’s moping about feeling very attacked, and I am absolutely defeated. I was 20 minutes away from finishing everything and sitting down, maybe watch a film, have a cuddle and feel festive. Instead he’s having a well earned relaxing bath and I’m on the sofa crying. DD has just made a brief appearance and let me know that it doesn’t feel very Christmassy which is a nice cherry on the top.

Honestly fuck Christmas, fuck the ungrateful household, fuck the pressure, fuck the guilt that you’re failing even though you’re working your arse off. I’m just so so sad right now.

Maybe he didn't want to spend a day off cleaning the house. OK it's a bit selfish but maybe you should not go to so much trouble either. I don't think you should speak to him like that about the light either especially when LED bulbs use so little electricity. If you want a perfect house live alone. It is his home too.

Put the WHOLE MAN in the BIN.

and I just smiled really sweetly and said, 'No/ I don't think so/I don't know, do we?'

^^

I've started doing this

It actually fucking works!!!

Oh op, I don’t even know you, but I wish I could give you a big sympathetic hug to say, I’ve been there- I know that. I imagine so many women have had to put up with this bullshit in our lifetime. You deserve to be looked after, and to be made to feel special too.
I can’t give advice as I don’t know the wider context of your situation. All I can say id that it sounds bloody shit, whoever you are, you deserve better.

How much of it was absolutely essential and how much did you choose to do because you decided it had to be done because that is in you?

What I mean is some people decide the whole house has to be scrubbed top to bottom and every inch spotless and if everyone one else doesn't do it to that standard they are lazy type thinng

But there are also people who do nothing because they are lazy

You have the hype in your mind about how Christmas should be. He doesn't.
Also you made arrangements to entertain at someone else's house and it fell through. How come? Had you made an agreement with the homeowners?
You could have changed your plans when your previous plans fell through.
I'm on the fence.
Hope you all have a good one anyway. 👍🏻

You say "we'd invited". Was it really "we", or him or you?

Yes - but I imagine he lives many thousands of miles away from your "friend" 😂😁😂

I really don't understand these martyrish posts. You could have chosen to either have your inlaws over as the house is beyond the cleaning you usually do, ask dd and dh to pitch in if there's more to do ( although they should be doing that already) or cancel given the house isn't big enough. But you have chosen to spend 2 days cleaning and cry alone downstairs. No wonder dd doesn't feel very festive.

This situation did not come about overnight. There is a huge imbalance in your house.

I am a bit sick of these relationships. Why do women agree to run around these men? It’s demeaning and unfair. I decided as a teen with an unequal division of domestic labour between my working parents, that I would never run round a man. I now have a husband who would never see me run ragged. Especially if entertaining his family. It’s a dealbreaker for me.

I feel so angry for you OP and a bit frustrated with you.

These are not good men. They are selfish, lazy and mean.

That is not a partner op

that’s a man child!

Never again I hope!

Just an update, we had a chat last night and I explained that the set up for the day was bollocks and I’m not repeating it today/any other day.

I’m definitely the type who goes overboard with the cleaning and he’s the type who really couldn’t care less, the ideal is to meet in the middle.

He’s currently peeling spuds whilst I drink tea and chill with DD. Thanks to everyone for the replies, there were some really good points made, especially around the martyr thing.

It’s a new day and I’m not spending it wiping everyone’s arses! Hope everyone has a lovely Christmas

I'm pleased to read your update OP, and it sounds as things are better now. I hope you had a lovely day.

Good update. I’d say his family, his problem-he tidies, does the housework/cooking/shopping for them.

My male partner did all the cooking. Does most of the cleaning. And is lovely and kind and doesn’t touch a games console because he’s a grown up. I’ve been really sad this Christmas for various reasons and he’s spent the whole time being incredibly thoughtful and sweet and supporting me. Honestly I think if you have pressure and find it exhausting because your man is shit you shouldn’t sweepingly declare all men lazy dickheads, you should consider why you’re living with your lazy dickhead and consider getting rid.

Xmas is just an event made to make work for women. Next year, don't participate, OP!

It's not sexist to call out bad male behaviour, just like it's not racist to do the same for white people. Those concepts refer to the systemic oppression of one group by another - ie kicking down.

The poster who said that this is about a misogyny that is systemic and deeply ingrained is absolutely right: we're not all idiots, and yet somehow we all behave in the same way, facilitating shitty selfish men. We're conditioned to do that from birth and it's really hard to take the risk of a hit to our socialised identities as women(obvs NAWALT.)

As an aside, I don't think the solution is just to opt out of cleaning/prepping/cooking - it's to get men (society) to acknowledge that these things are valuable and important.

Just as it's no solution in the workplace to pretend that women and men are exactly the same. They're not - one has a biology for birthing the next generation, and that's not goijng to change. The solution isn't for women to go back to work weeks after birth - it's for their biological function to be acknowledged and knitted in to how we organise the workplace and society more broadly.