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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be so disappointed in this evening

142 replies

Anonymous2411 · 24/12/2023 20:49

A bit of context, myself, DP and 13 year old were meant to be house sitting so we’d invited DP’s dad and step mum for dinner. It’s a big house with lots of kitchen space etc. That fell through which is a bit of a nightmare as I wouldn't have invited them to ours. I don’t really have the space and now feel pressured to make sure the house is immaculate. Anyway, tried to make the most of it and have spend the last two days organising, cleaning, shopping, all the bullshit that all of us do. DP has spent most of this time chilling out, why wouldn’t he? At around 7pm today, after going all fucking day, I went upstairs and a light had been left on. I called down “please can you not leave lights on?” To which he responded “oh don’t start”. Given that he’d just spend 4 hours playing fifa whilst I cleaned, baked, set table, this pissed me right off. He’s upset because of HOW I said it, my tone wasn’t very nice apparently. I explained that I’m exhausted and genuinely don’t think I said anything rude/nasty.

The evenings now fucked, he’s moping about feeling very attacked, and I am absolutely defeated. I was 20 minutes away from finishing everything and sitting down, maybe watch a film, have a cuddle and feel festive. Instead he’s having a well earned relaxing bath and I’m on the sofa crying. DD has just made a brief appearance and let me know that it doesn’t feel very Christmassy which is a nice cherry on the top.

Honestly fuck Christmas, fuck the ungrateful household, fuck the pressure, fuck the guilt that you’re failing even though you’re working your arse off. I’m just so so sad right now.

OP posts:
OwlWeiwei · 24/12/2023 21:21

I had enough of this and one year when DH's family were coming to stay I just didn't do all the extra work. The day before he asked 'Are the beds made up? Is the spare room clean? Do we have gluten free food for DFam etc' and I just smiled really sweetly and said, 'No/ I don't think so/I don't know, do we?' He was run off his feet ding what I usually did and when they arrived I was all chilled and smiley and he was frazzled. He's usually pulled his weight since then. But this year has flu.

MrInbetween · 24/12/2023 21:23

@Catza Why oh why is it the woman’s job to tell the man what to do?

Who tells the woman what to do?

When did we sign up to be directors of all boring domestic shit?

Original poster
Anonymous2411 · 24/12/2023 21:23

thatwassociopathic · 24/12/2023 21:19

So the $50k question is....are you going to run about like a blue arsed fly again tomorrow and do all the prepping and cooking and clearing up? If that's what you're going to do then you might as well delete this thread and accept this is your life. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Noooo, this evening is a real wake up call. I know I am actively accepting a behaviour that upsets me. Everyone can do their bit tomorrow, he can be out in the kitchen peeling spuds first thing

OP posts:
Itsbeginingtolookalotlikexmas · 24/12/2023 21:24

The thing is when men act like children we treat them like that’s what they are. Your tone wouldn’t have been off if you were speaking to an adult you respect. Tell him if he wants respect he has to be a full team member. I bet he won’t change though, then you’ll get the ick and it will be all over.

Original poster
Anonymous2411 · 24/12/2023 21:26

OwlWeiwei · 24/12/2023 21:21

I had enough of this and one year when DH's family were coming to stay I just didn't do all the extra work. The day before he asked 'Are the beds made up? Is the spare room clean? Do we have gluten free food for DFam etc' and I just smiled really sweetly and said, 'No/ I don't think so/I don't know, do we?' He was run off his feet ding what I usually did and when they arrived I was all chilled and smiley and he was frazzled. He's usually pulled his weight since then. But this year has flu.

This is brilliant, I need that nonchalant approach, especially as it’s his family we’re seeing. I’m glad the smack of reality worked out for you, definitely taking a leaf out of your book in future

OP posts:
ThisIsntThe80sPat · 24/12/2023 21:28

Pinkbonbon · 24/12/2023 21:06

The thing is, they aren't.
A lot of women settle for useless fuckers and stay... because it's common for other women around them to do that (mothers, sisters etc). They therefore think its normal. But it's not normal.

Normal partners pull their weight. As a bare minimum. Normal partners consider your feelings. Normal partners buy you Christmas presents and do THEIR SHARE of the cooking/cleaning for relatives coming. Just because it's common for men to be shit and women to tolerate it, doesn't mean its normal or that you should.

Do you want your forever to look this way?
Or your daughters future, because she too, thinks this shit is normal?

Edited
Show quote history

This.

You see it on social media as well. Validating this awful behaviour as something normal.

'dh has just played ps5 all night whilst I got up with the 4 sick kids, just ranting!"

"Oh I know, it's the same here, they're all useless! 😂"

It's not normal. Had my DH done something similar today as yours, I would have told him where to go...

Neitheronethingnortheother · 24/12/2023 21:29

Catza · 24/12/2023 21:18

OK, my mistake. The OP should carry on without any communication whatsoever expecting a different outcome. I'll just bugger off to enjoy my glass of wine having had all the jobs shared in the family.

Show quote history

Well personally I think the OP should bin the man child who thinks he should be able to buy his leisure time with her labour

But communication has to be a two way process between mutually respectful people

When we have people coming to stay we discuss the jobs and the menu and any other planning needed but I certainly don't see it as solely my job and that I am somehow in charge of the communication and always have to be the one to start the conversation

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 24/12/2023 21:30

Temporaryanonymity · 24/12/2023 21:02

Why do you do this to yourself?

I am single. I’ve had a lovely day pottering about. Why the pressure do make everything perfect when no one else is bothered.

Please yourself - clearly your husband is.

I agree. It is possible to have a lovely Christmas Day without all this pressure so many put on themselves for everything to be perfect. I never understand why so many women martyr themselves.

Why does the house have to be immaculate - who actually cares?

Seaside3 · 24/12/2023 21:30

There are several people who talk about mental load and all.the things women do on Instagram. Find one who you think your husband will take note of, and share.

There's no excuse for men to be like this.

carlydiamond · 24/12/2023 21:33

Catza · 24/12/2023 21:08

Did you at any point ask him to step in? Did you discuss who is responsible for what ahead of time? Or did you just expect him to read your mind?
I am not defending him but I also suspect you just got on with jobs without his involvement. Use your words before you reach a breaking point.

Why should she have to explain to a grown man what needs doing?

Christmasisonitsway · 24/12/2023 21:33

He sounds useless. We've had my family round today and my husband has cooked a meal from scratch, cleaned the kitchen, washed up etc whilst I've done other jobs...it's not difficult.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 24/12/2023 21:33

Anonymous2411 · 24/12/2023 21:00

Thank you xx I swear they are all living the same lives. Feet are firmly up with a massive drink in hand

Show quote history

They actually aren't. When I was married my DH cooked Christmas dinner, other than the years we decided to go out - and he would rather have stayed home with him cooking!

I saw him on Saturday and he gave me a large slab of the Christmas cake he had made - I've never made a Christmas cake in my life.

GreatGateauxsby · 24/12/2023 21:34

Pinkbonbon · 24/12/2023 20:58

If my partner spent 4 hours on Christmas eve playing fifa whilst I did all the work, I'd give myself a divorce for Christmas.

In your situation at the very least, I'd book myself into a spa hotel tomorrow and fuck off until boxing day. He can feed and water his own parents this Christmas.

Seriously op it's not 1930, don't be a doormat for useless, inconsiderate man children.

Yeah this.

my DH would not sit on his arse while I make the house nice for HIS family.
When his family visit I sit on MY arse and help if I feel nice…

why do you chose to live like this? It sounds awful

Blondebutnotlegally · 24/12/2023 21:37

He's an arse. Although, if he wanted to relax, couldn't you set the standards lower and relax too?

Not sure it's fair taking it out on your DD too though. The poor girl is sat on Christmas eve with her mum crying on the sofa and her dad/stepdad sulking upstairs. I don't think she sounds ungrateful

Allwelcone · 24/12/2023 21:39

Show your dc some Christmas cheer by watching a film with them and some chocs.
You can rescue the evening why make dc suffer for your adult argument?,

PyongyangKipperbang · 24/12/2023 21:39

Anonymous2411 · 24/12/2023 21:26

This is brilliant, I need that nonchalant approach, especially as it’s his family we’re seeing. I’m glad the smack of reality worked out for you, definitely taking a leaf out of your book in future

Show quote history

Take a leaf out of that book NOW!

Do it tomorrow.

Say "I have done all the prep, the rest in on you. Your family, your work" and do NOTHING.

Spend the day making it festive for you and DD if you want to but when he goes on about how he cant do it all on his own I suggest you come back with "Oh dont start" and then complain about how he said it. For extra points, play on the XBox when he is talking to you.

When the outlaws arrive say "Oh isnt it lovely DP is doing it all this year!" they will act like he is the Messiah and cant possibly kick off as he will look like a dick. And then dump him.

Spent too many years with this shit. Spending this year with DP, just me and him for once, and he has done all of the legwork as he wants to. Its a point of pride for him, he wants me to have a nice day with no effort.

Itslegitimatesalvage · 24/12/2023 21:40

Honestly, it’s your own fault. Why didn’t you just stop? If he isn’t going to do anything then why did you?
Didn’t you just speak to him? Lay out what needs done and ask who was doing what?

Really, sorry but this is on you. You didn’t have to behave like that and run about like an idiot. You have a voice, you could have used it.

If you actually cannot ask your partner to get stuck in, then why is he your partner? Why are you with him? That’s just another choice you made.

Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic · 24/12/2023 21:40

Pinkbonbon · 24/12/2023 21:06

The thing is, they aren't.
A lot of women settle for useless fuckers and stay... because it's common for other women around them to do that (mothers, sisters etc). They therefore think its normal. But it's not normal.

Normal partners pull their weight. As a bare minimum. Normal partners consider your feelings. Normal partners buy you Christmas presents and do THEIR SHARE of the cooking/cleaning for relatives coming. Just because it's common for men to be shit and women to tolerate it, doesn't mean its normal or that you should.

Do you want your forever to look this way?
Or your daughters future, because she too, thinks this shit is normal?

Edited
Show quote history

Absolutely this 100%

Original poster
Anonymous2411 · 24/12/2023 21:40

Blondebutnotlegally · 24/12/2023 21:37

He's an arse. Although, if he wanted to relax, couldn't you set the standards lower and relax too?

Not sure it's fair taking it out on your DD too though. The poor girl is sat on Christmas eve with her mum crying on the sofa and her dad/stepdad sulking upstairs. I don't think she sounds ungrateful

Yeah there’s probably a happy medium here, him get off his arse a bit and me chill out a bit.

DD didn’t see I was upset, she has no idea what’s gone on. I was just frustrated as she’s been in bedroom all day when I’ve said “do you want to do this, that, watch a film?” then came down and said that. However she is 13 and it’s expected of that age group to be self involved

OP posts:
Allwelcone · 24/12/2023 21:41

Yup get up off that sofa and get strong for your dd, not her fault.

synonymed · 24/12/2023 21:42

Yanbu. Why couldn’t he leave the light on though..?

Allwelcone · 24/12/2023 21:43

@Itsbeginingtolookalotlikexmas I have noticed men hate it when women extreme clean. My dh and my df did.

synonymed · 24/12/2023 21:43

Itslegitimatesalvage · 24/12/2023 21:40

Honestly, it’s your own fault. Why didn’t you just stop? If he isn’t going to do anything then why did you?
Didn’t you just speak to him? Lay out what needs done and ask who was doing what?

Really, sorry but this is on you. You didn’t have to behave like that and run about like an idiot. You have a voice, you could have used it.

If you actually cannot ask your partner to get stuck in, then why is he your partner? Why are you with him? That’s just another choice you made.

Yup.

Original poster
Anonymous2411 · 24/12/2023 21:44

Allwelcone · 24/12/2023 21:41

Yup get up off that sofa and get strong for your dd, not her fault.

Sat down for the first time at 9pm today, definitely not getting up! She’s with me in the sofa now which is nice. She hasn’t seen me upset, I wouldn’t have her come down to me crying on the sofa

OP posts:
LorlieS · 24/12/2023 21:46

@Anonymous2411 Surely it should be about teamwork? No way I would do everything whilst my hubby did naff all. Not that he would.

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