To be so disappointed in this evening

[Anonymous2411]

A bit of context, myself, DP and 13 year old were meant to be house sitting so we’d invited DP’s dad and step mum for dinner. It’s a big house with lots of kitchen space etc. That fell through which is a bit of a nightmare as I wouldn't have invited them to ours. I don’t really have the space and now feel pressured to make sure the house is immaculate. Anyway, tried to make the most of it and have spend the last two days organising, cleaning, shopping, all the bullshit that all of us do. DP has spent most of this time chilling out, why wouldn’t he? At around 7pm today, after going all fucking day, I went upstairs and a light had been left on. I called down “please can you not leave lights on?” To which he responded “oh don’t start”. Given that he’d just spend 4 hours playing fifa whilst I cleaned, baked, set table, this pissed me right off. He’s upset because of HOW I said it, my tone wasn’t very nice apparently. I explained that I’m exhausted and genuinely don’t think I said anything rude/nasty.

The evenings now fucked, he’s moping about feeling very attacked, and I am absolutely defeated. I was 20 minutes away from finishing everything and sitting down, maybe watch a film, have a cuddle and feel festive. Instead he’s having a well earned relaxing bath and I’m on the sofa crying. DD has just made a brief appearance and let me know that it doesn’t feel very Christmassy which is a nice cherry on the top.

Honestly fuck Christmas, fuck the ungrateful household, fuck the pressure, fuck the guilt that you’re failing even though you’re working your arse off. I’m just so so sad right now.

You sound like a great host 😂I mean this just doesn't always work does it, would kind of suck if every gathering was just a takeaway or some paint by numbers crap. Do nothing and slob out is not a valid choice for everybody on every occasion. If there's going to be nice gathering and healthy tasty food then someone needs to step up at some point.

He wld last about 30 seconds with me with that carry on.
I'm just out of 10 days in hospital, got home 5 days ago. I'm on strict bedrest.
I had absolutely nothing done for xmas before I ended up in hospital as I had been quite ill without realising just how ill.
I came home from hospital and everything is done.
I don't usually do dinner or food shop, dh does it every year but I do the presents and decorations and all the silly little extras that make xmas xmas in our house.
It's all done. He is a grown ass man and he's well capable. And he won't let me make a cup of tea.
Not all men are lazy fuckwits.
Get rid of him and find someone who values you and what you do.

You can still get her involved in the work at 13, it will benefit her in the long run. By 13ish sibling and I made Xmas eve dinner each year (to be fair it meant we ate lasagne every year without fail) but it was clear that Xmas eve from about 6pm was Mum’s night off.

YABU to settle for this crap behaviour from your “D”P. Why are you? I’d bin him if I were you. My DH does not sit about gaming for hours on end - certainly not if I’m busy doing something. He cottoned on early in the relationship that if he’s busy when I’m busy, everything gets done quicker and I don’t get pissed off with him. He’s done nearly all the Christmas shopping this year (he always does all for his family anyway), because I’ve been snowed under with work. He’s not a saint, just an equal partner. You can’t really call your partner a partner, he sounds useless.

Don’t say fuck the household when it’s not your child’s fault is it? It’s your lazy fuck of a husband and the fact you chose to do everything. I absolutely wouldn’t have. I’d have cancelled them coming rather than doing it all alone whilst a man child lounged around. Why the f did you do it all?! WHY?! Why would you want to sit and cuddle this man who left you to do everything?

But why the hell should it be OP for her in laws? Her husband is capable. Your attitude is shit.

Sorry OP, that sounds so rubbish and you are totally not being unreasonable. If it’s his family coming over, then he should be especially helpful. I hope you are able to have a nice evening regardless. He sounds like a total child.

Would you genuinely sit on your arse all evening or all day whilst your partners was rushing around getting things ready and not offer to help (and refuse the few times the OP did ask)?

I genuinely can not imagine just sitting around whilst all that happened around me without getting up and seeing how I could help, or what needed to be done, unless I was ill or had broken my leg or something

How is that a partnership? Sitting around and ignoring everything going on around you

Feeling exactly the same this evening after a row with my partner. I've spent weeks planning for tomorrow, several food shops and trips to the butcher, cleaning the house top to bottom, sorting and wrapping presents for mine and his family, then I ask him to do one thing and blazing row. Feeling very under-appreciated and a bit shit about tomorrow now.

OP, does he have form for not contributing and sulking over absolutely nothing?

Part of the issue might be that, when things aren't up to a standard, it's the women that are judged, not the men. Mysoginy is rooted in society like that.

But often, we are our own harshest critics. Most people aren't going to care if your house is a little messy or you forgot the Christmas desert.

Its just unfortunate that we have to demand that men are held accountable for cooking, clraning and caretaking to the same extent we are.

Never be slow to say 'WE forgot the trifle' to anyone anyone giving you 'the look'. And if they're an extra special disapproving twat, be sure to tell them where they can shove their opinions.

In fairness though, Friedfried didn’t say that it had to be the OP….

OP, this is not normal behaviour from a hetero male partner - no matter what you were brought up to believe and no matter what the silly martyrs on here say. You must insist the he pulls his weight tomorrow. Then, a proper conversation after the festive period about his laziness. Do you want your 13yo to think that this is normal, and to settle for that kind of relationship ten years from now?

My ex-husband was like this - complete misogynistic muppet. Made Christmas hell as everything was "woman's work."
My now husband does all of the cooking whilst I entertain the toddler ❤️

I’m sorry to hear that. I agree with what a lot of people have said on here, we’re putting a lot of pressure on ourselves when 1. It’s really not that deep and 2. Our partners aren’t working their bollocks off alongside us. I hope you still manage to have a good day tomorrow

Agree with others - the reason you are feeling this intense pressure to make everything perfect is because you are doing this to yourself. You have expectations about how things should be and when things go wrong there's this massive crash and disappointment. If you hadn't built it up into this massive thing yes you would be still annoyed with the husband being useless, but not crying on the sofa.

Why are you doing this to yourself? Next year lower your expectations from "absolutely perfect, Hallmark Christmas with everyone jolly" to "just another family day" and things will be less stressful.

Oh my god, this! So true, and absolute bullshit. The “we” point is so simple but brilliant, it’s not just on my shoulders

@OwlWeiwei This is inspirational 💪

You too OP

Pinkbonbon I think you hit the nail on the head with this

Part of the issue might be that, when things aren't up to a standard, it's the women that are judged, not the men. Mysoginy is rooted in society like that.

It's not the OP's fault that she's internalised the messages we send women about how they will be judged based on the state of their home.

Studies show that women are judged negatively by people for mess in their homes, whereas the same judgement isn't felt towards men. Regardless of whether or not the OP's guests exhibit this behaviour as individuals, it's a well-documented social phenomenon, and women who act in accordance with it by worrying about tidying more than men when guests are coming over aren't to blame. They're just reacting to the double standards of society, and blaming women for that is just embedding the issue even further by passing the blame onto them.

Oh @Pinkbonbon you had already hit the nail on the head!

@laclochette But as women we need to take a stand, to not allow misogyny to continue. From bottom upwards, in whatever way we can. How many married women still call themselves Mrs for example?!!

You poor thing. I thank my lucky stars I didn't end up with a cock womble like this! I hope by this time next year you're either in a loving respectable team of a relationship like me or making a wonderful exciting new life for yourself and your daughter alone from this selfish prick. Just think what you could be doing instead of taking shite from a selfish man like this, playing FIFA for hours while you slave? No, that's wrong and weird. I've just read your post aloud to my husband and brothers and they all agree he's the tit who never grew up. Go and be happy, life's to short. I hope you somehow have a lovely Christmas still.

@Catza You can't be serious.

Try and enjoy some down time with your daughter. Fuck him. I always say that Christmas simply wouldn't happen without women/wives. Sexist though it sounds, most men I know are absolutely useless,
apart from the odd one who actually does cook. If I had my life again I'd certainly be more assertive around Xmas. I'm single now and love it-I'd never go back to that crap.

Of course not. It would be preposterous to suggest to communicate with your partner and child. Anti-feminist, even, as some are suggesting in this thread.