AIBU my sister thinks I should call become I come

[sistersneighbours]

My sister and I are neighbours and really close I’ve just moved here in august so this is the first time we’re living this close. My sister expects that I call her and let her know or ask if I can pop in with the kids. I have three children, and she has 2 twin girls aged 5 and a boy.

When we are at her house, I can tell she find it’s hard with all the kids together in one place, her girls are really demanding and difficult, they’re running around screaming all the time, and I think that combined with all the people in the house makes my sister overstimulated, she can’t handle the noise. My kids are older and don’t run around like that.

There have been a few times where we’ve been at hers for a few hours and she said out loud “ I think its time for you guys to go home”, when she’s ill I have offered to come round, clean and cook and help with the kids. She always says no because I will bring my children and “it will be too much”, when she needs childcare I have offered and she says no again for the same reason and asks someone else even though we literally live next to each other.

I have offered her to bring her kids to my house, and she says no because she knows her girls will fight and it will be be chaos.

I moved here to be close to her and her kids, help each other etc.. we can go a whole week without seeing each other and I never expected this living so close to each other. Example : she lives at 35 and I live at 37.

Calling in advance seems reasonable to me.

Your poor sister. Can't you back off ?

It really depends on the person, there's no right or wrong here. My sister turns up and mine and lets herself in. I would never go to hers without letting her know in advance. We're very different people. I don't feel offended that I need to check before I turn up, I don't mind that she just rocks up at mine either.

Sometimes her kids are overwhelming. Sometimes it's fine. Sometimes I'll tell her she needs to leave too.

My kids will asks me if they can go to their house and play PS5 with her boy, but I have to say no because I don't know if we're allowed to come and honestly I don't feel like calling and asking if we can come over. I can just tell she doesn't like it when all the kids are together and it's a shame, cuz they're cousins

I don't think she's being unreasonable. You moved there, she doesn't have to see you whenever you suggest it.

You making advance calls seems fine.

Just because you deem her children to be wilder or more active doesn’t mean they are like that when your children are not there. A combination of the sheer amount of bodies vs how the children behave means it’s not a nice environment.

Yes you need to learn boundaries.

Just phone and check it’s convenient. Having six children together is a lot in terms of noise and it’s just polite to check.

What’s the issue, here? Call in advance and ask. Also, when you do go over, maybe don’t stay for ‘a few hours’.

You’re coming across as having a rather poor understanding of boundaries, OP.

Your sister is absolutely right - very rude to just turn up. Seeing each other once a week is a lot - any more could feel suffocating.
I think the moral of the story is: don't move next door to your family - it never turns out well!

Happy to be told IAMBU, just thought we would see each other more now that we live so close to each other that's it.

Maybe split it up a bit - what happens if you invite the boy round to play with yours, for example? And extra 4 people in the house is a lot! Or go round just yourself or with one child.
it's a shame it's not turned out the way you thought, but there's still time to find something you are both comfortable with.

YABU. She hasn't told you to never darken her door. Just for you to give her a heads up/choice, which seems perfectly understandable.

I'm interested to know more about the circumstances of you moving in so close to her. Was this something you both wanted?

YABVVVVVVU.

And well done to your sister for communicating her needs. I hope you listen to her (very reasonable) boundaries

Did you just decide this yourself though? Did she want you to move that close to her?

honestly I don't feel like calling and asking if we can come over.
but why not?

It may be your expectations on what would happen have run a bit wild.

What is your dream may be her nightmare.

Is she in your home town? Does she live near relatives?

She may have been happy when you lived further away.

Nothing she's said dis unreasonable. But you sound slightly suffocating for some.

I hate a pop in, let alone regular ones for hours on end.

Is this a reverse?
If it's not, YABVU.

Yupik can see each other more she just wants to know before you come and have the option to say no if she has other plans.

It's a bit entitled to think you can just rock up with 3 kids whenever you feel like it and impose on her for several hours without even considering whether she has other plans.

You moved there with an ideal that wasn’t reality. It was just a fantasy.

She wants you to call before you go. It really not difficult.

She doesn’t have to do things a certain way because you want them to happen that way.

I would hate for someone to just keep popping to my house, as though I have nothing else to do. She's laying some boundaries, so you need to respect them.

Why did you move so close?

Yes this was her idea, she doesn't live near our family. Her ex partner doesn't really help with childcare, so she's been on her own for a while. and she asked me to move near her so we could help each other and our kids could grow up together.

I moved here to be close to her and her kids, help each other etc.. we can go a whole week without seeing each other

Did you actually ask her, before you moved, if she actually wanted you to be around all the time?

You say you want to ‘help each other’ but it’s clear that you going round with your kids isn’t helping her. She wants a bit of peace and she finds it stressful having you all around. A week isn’t a long time to go without seeing a sibling, regardless of how nearby you live, and of course it’s reasonable that she wants you to check first in case its not convenient.