AIBU my sister thinks I should call become I come

[sistersneighbours]

My sister and I are neighbours and really close I’ve just moved here in august so this is the first time we’re living this close. My sister expects that I call her and let her know or ask if I can pop in with the kids. I have three children, and she has 2 twin girls aged 5 and a boy.

When we are at her house, I can tell she find it’s hard with all the kids together in one place, her girls are really demanding and difficult, they’re running around screaming all the time, and I think that combined with all the people in the house makes my sister overstimulated, she can’t handle the noise. My kids are older and don’t run around like that.

There have been a few times where we’ve been at hers for a few hours and she said out loud “ I think its time for you guys to go home”, when she’s ill I have offered to come round, clean and cook and help with the kids. She always says no because I will bring my children and “it will be too much”, when she needs childcare I have offered and she says no again for the same reason and asks someone else even though we literally live next to each other.

I have offered her to bring her kids to my house, and she says no because she knows her girls will fight and it will be be chaos.

I moved here to be close to her and her kids, help each other etc.. we can go a whole week without seeing each other and I never expected this living so close to each other. Example : she lives at 35 and I live at 37.

My house is a bomb site with 3 kids and 2 pets... I do NOT want people cleaning, tidying, moving my shit. I don't care if they are 'family' thats seriously boundry stomping.

Our family use to do that and thats why I banned them, they would show up (often unannounced so I had no time to sort anything) then start touching and moving all my shit with things going missing and passive aggressive comments about my house and how to keep it 'tidier' which they 'thought' was helpful. I haven't had them over in 12 years because of it, they are the main reason I won't have guests anymore.

Honestly OP you sound like you have some emotional co-dependency issues, maybe work on being happy and stable with your own company for a bit.

Well, it sounds like you have your own problems to be fair.

YABVVU

Having a boundary is not a problem. Its actually healthy.

Not living in a minimalist pintrest show room is not a problem. As much as many people like to pretend they are perfect its not actually normal to be perfect.

YABU - sorry OP, you and your kids sound a bit nightmare-ish!

It's rude not to give notice that you intend to visit even if she is your sister. She might have plans even if she has no intention of leaving her home.

You are not helping her. Your unannounced presence in her home with your children is causing her stress.

Please respect her boundaries and ask before just turning up.

Your sister wants to maintain some boundaries. I don't think there is anything going wrong with asking you to call and check if its convenient. TBH I think its good manners. I don't pop to any one without calling not even my parents and I have my own key. Have you tried arranging play dates outside of the homes. I much prefer the park or soft play.

YABU

I would hate it if someone just turned up unannounced!

I live 5 mins from my sister and we always text each other/ ring to see if home / alright to come round.

As do my parents and friends etc.

@sistersneighbours I was more carefree like you in my 20's and 30's, happy for people to drop by, had friends/family round often. My home was like a carousel of sorts with 2 eldest dc - I had several friends tell me they were envious of this warm and welcoming space. It was rare a day went by that family/friends weren't popping in.

I have completely changed in my later 30's and now 40's. I think partly it b/c of one child's needs and they do not do as well when people are around. Hard to describe but it's not just when people are there it's after they leave - transitions, sharing Mum, transitions again. If I'm honest I just don't have it in me anymore. I'm tired daily and overwhelmed more easily.

I now understand a friend with 2 dc who never really hosts guest except her parents on Sundays. While she's gone to some extremes to get people out of her home which I'd never do (even if I want to!) I get it. It just feels too much.

I think there's just different stages in life and no one is right/wrong just different. Your sister is letting you know she finds the noise and work of 6 dc too much and that's okay. Maybe find other ways to connect like a family walk, trip to seaside if you are close enough, or just a nice park. Being outdoors often makes the nose less and there's more likely a definite ending time compared to people just coming over. Ask your ds what would work for her. Tell her you love her and want to spend time with her and ask what is best for her.

Good luck.

I don’t think yabu and I’d have loved what you want to- the two of you just popping in, unfortunately she doesn’t want it, it doesn’t work for her. I’d also guess her kids aren’t quite demanding and difficult, it’s as much that they get over excited or something by your family/visitors in general. You need to let her know what you expected and why you’re disappointed but it sounds like her mh won’t take what you want but then it’s affecting you so for your sanity she needs to know!!

Just because you have a scenario in your head doesn't mean it will happen, calm down a little and call ahead sounds like the grown up thing to do

I moved a couple of roads away from my parents once. My mother absolutely took it that it meant she could drop in whenever she wanted at whatever time she wanted. At the time I had a stressful job and would engineer time to WFH when it was a rare perk, only to find she would take my being at home as meaning I was in and available to chat, have coffee at any time, when the reality was I was compressing hours of work into 6 hours so I could do the school run and be there for my DD. I had to put a padlock on my side gate and buy a curtain for the front door because if I didn’t answer the door to her, she would come round the back to check if I was in and if I was ignoring her. I tried to explain my pov to her but she just ended up being offended so ridiculously I ended up taking an office locally so I could work in peace and do the school run.

If you had asked her at the time, I expect she would also think it was odd she should check before coming round. The fact is, if I have made time for myself, I should be able to enjoy it as I see fit, not spend it on activities I don’t want to do. You seem to think your sister needs help, but maybe she is just fine. Maybe she has a point about how her kids react when they interact with yours. You want to be the Waltons when she might not feel the same way. Please listen to what she is saying. You may be piling more stress onto her than you realise or intended to do.

Your posts make me feel suffocated just reading them!!

There’s a difference between moving closer to someone and moving next door to them!

I absolutely adore my sister but there is no way I would want to live next door to her and have the set-up you seem to have imagined would happen between you and your sister.

If my sister felt she could drop in when she liked for hours on end with her children it would soon become a very very unpleasant situation.

And just the thought of her coming in and doing housework….washing up and hoovering etc, well that horrifies me. It crosses a major line in terms of what is acceptable and appropriate.

YABVVVVVU.

I think you need to take a massive step back otherwise your relationship with your sister is going to end up very damaged.

It sounds like maybe you have overstepped

Moving closer to her was a lovely thing to do. It will give your children and their cousins a chance to build a really strong bond independent of your relationship with your sister. Step back and let that happen.

She isn't being unreasonable asking you to call first. She might be busy when you call round.

People who just pop round don't get that people have life's and might have other stuff to do and can't spend most of their day with them, if you have been there hours and she's telling you to go home you have been their too long.

Respect her wishes it's not she doesn't want to see you, it's she wants space too.

Having to host someone all the time is exhausting.

I think you’ve gotten the message that YABU so I won’t belabor that point.

It seems like you’re interpreting your sister setting clear boundaries (call first, keep visits short, say goodbye when things have gotten overwhelming) as her pushing you away. My suggestion is to reframe this as your sister telling you how you can spend time together that will actually feel enjoyable & leave her looking forward to the next visit.

Respecting people’s boundaries fosters better relationships. Being resentful or oblivious to boundaries will ultimately push them away.

Are you more of an extrovert than she is OP? My sister loves having people pop in and stay for chunks of the day. She gets energy from being around other people - it recharges her batteries and helps her feel calm and happy.

I'm completely the opposite. I need a full battery in order to want to have people around, no matter how much I love them. And then I enjoy their company for a while, and then my battery is drained by the social interaction, and I need them to go so I can recharge with alone time. People coming over unexpectedly and staying for hours is deeply unwelcome, even if they are people I love, because it disrupts all my plans and I'll be exhausted for ages afterwards.

I now limit and put very clear boundaries around visits from people who are likely to stay for hours to try to avoid that outcome.

You need to respect her boundaries. I’m sure you’d expect her to respect yours too.

I expect the reality is very different to the fantasy you both had when moving closer was first discussed.

Maybe, easier once the children are older and slightly more independent.

How far away are the rest of your family?

You both clearly want different things. Maybe she feels you being so available has disrupted the routine and life she had built and got used to? I couldn't handle this. Check if it suits her for you to go over and stay shorter. She might be wanting to do something and finds she can't because you're there.

Why don't you have her 3 kids at yours to give her a break?

@Poppyseason love your post, you talk sense it seems to me.
OP, please be prepared to compromise and make some adjustments to when/ how you meet with your sister. You want to play the long game don’t you? As the children grow up and needs change, different activities etc will work well so approach this considerately. Then all of you can benefit in the short and long term.