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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU my sister thinks I should call become I come

136 replies

sistersneighbours · 24/12/2023 19:14

My sister and I are neighbours and really close I’ve just moved here in august so this is the first time we’re living this close. My sister expects that I call her and let her know or ask if I can pop in with the kids. I have three children, and she has 2 twin girls aged 5 and a boy.

When we are at her house, I can tell she find it’s hard with all the kids together in one place, her girls are really demanding and difficult, they’re running around screaming all the time, and I think that combined with all the people in the house makes my sister overstimulated, she can’t handle the noise. My kids are older and don’t run around like that.

There have been a few times where we’ve been at hers for a few hours and she said out loud “ I think its time for you guys to go home”, when she’s ill I have offered to come round, clean and cook and help with the kids. She always says no because I will bring my children and “it will be too much”, when she needs childcare I have offered and she says no again for the same reason and asks someone else even though we literally live next to each other.

I have offered her to bring her kids to my house, and she says no because she knows her girls will fight and it will be be chaos.

I moved here to be close to her and her kids, help each other etc.. we can go a whole week without seeing each other and I never expected this living so close to each other. Example : she lives at 35 and I live at 37.

OP posts:
PuttingDownRoots · 24/12/2023 19:25

If your boys want to play with their cousin invite him round.

Bythebeach · 24/12/2023 19:26

But was she involved in your choice to move next door and keen for frequent visits etc It’s a lovely vision cousins being neighbours and running in and out of each others houses and sharing childhoods and supporting each other with childcare …..for some. For others it would be cloyingly claustrophobic and intrusive. So if your hope you’d see much more of each other was not discussed and agreed, you are being unreasonable.

SENDhelp2023 · 24/12/2023 19:27

Your sister has healthy boundaries

Krampussy · 24/12/2023 19:32

Hmm, I agree with your sister tbh. Even family need to ask before popping in.

And I can't say I blame her not wanting 5 kids in the house on a regular basis.

But I would have been strongly against living so close to a family member.

AhBiscuits · 24/12/2023 19:33

If you kept popping round unannounced I'd move. You need to listen to what she's saying to you.

Frances0911 · 24/12/2023 19:34

My sister is worse. She lives a five minute drive away and has a beautiful house. My elderly dad and I, of whom I am a carer for, and are her only remaining close family, used to have to arrange a time to visit, and were told that we can only stay for an hour.

Last Christmas she invited us to pop round on Christmas day for a slice of lemon drizzle cake. I declined the offer, and haven't been to her house since.

Butchyrestingface · 24/12/2023 19:35

I moved here to be close to her and her kids, help each other etc..

Did you have this discussion with her before upping sticks?

Polewire · 24/12/2023 19:39

Ffs just give her a quick call if that’s what’s she’s asked you to do. It’s called boundaries and it’s her home. If you don’t ‘feel’ like doing something as simple as ringing to see if she’s free how do you think your sister feels when you show up unannounced? That is a FAR bigger undertaking that a 5 second phone call. As someone who hates people calling unannounced, this post is my definition of hell. I feel so so so sorry for your sister and fair play to her for putting in boundaries.

ActDottie · 24/12/2023 19:40

YABU I think your sister finds you overbearing and I’m not surprised from what you’ve described as I probably would too. Just give her space!

It’s also pretty common courtesy to ring before going round someone’s house.

Bluela18 · 24/12/2023 19:41

Yes you are. There is nothing wrong with your sister expecting you to call before you come. Its nice that you are close but she does have her own family unit and entitled to her own privacy and peace. No matter how close to a family member i was that was a neighbour there's no way I'd be happy with them just turning up that would do my head in. And staying round for hours on end too sounds exhausting. You can still remain very close but definitely respect her boundaries

CrushingOnRubies · 24/12/2023 19:42

I feel like this is a reverse

The sister who has just moved in is being unreasonable

BubbleBubbleBubbleBubblePop · 24/12/2023 19:42

Do you usually have such little respect for people's boundaries? If someone requests that you call before popping over, then you call. It's basic manners.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 24/12/2023 19:44

CrushingOnRubies · 24/12/2023 19:42

I feel like this is a reverse

The sister who has just moved in is being unreasonable

This

Superscientist · 24/12/2023 19:44

I worry more about siblings relationships more when they can't tell you that whatever you are doing is a bit much.

I understand it's hard to hear but I would treat it as a compliment that she trusts you enough to give you this suggestion without fear it would be harmful to your relationship.

Your situation has changed and its normal for it to take time for their dynamic to find the right balance.

I ask everyone to phone before visiting and plan ahead of time. I suffer with depression and I can't always cope with visitors or if I can the house might not be fit for visitors due to low mood in the previous weeks

Mirabai · 24/12/2023 19:44

It’s normal to request a call before turning up. But It’s a bit strange to ask you to move near her and then keep you at a distance.

It sounds like she has poor parenting boundaries and can’t control her kids. And this isn’t panning out how she imagined it.

flowerchild2000 · 24/12/2023 19:47

Maybe if you called first you would see her more? Try to talk to her more about how she feels and why so you can make adjustments based on that. I think if you just make more effort you'll see an improvement.

JenniferJupiterVenusandMars · 24/12/2023 19:47

I moved here to be close to her and her kids, help each other etc.. we can go a whole week without seeing each other and I never expected this living so close to each other. Example : she lives at 35 and I live at 37
I wouldn’t be surprised if she moves and doesn’t let you know where she’s gone.
I would absolutely hate my sister forever dropping in, especially if the children run riot.

PopandFizz · 24/12/2023 19:49

Is she a host in general? Sounds like she's struggling with her girls and doesn't like being seen that way.

It's not unreasonable to ask you to call first. Maybe you could even get the kids walkie talkies, that would be fun.

I'd maybe suggest splitting them up more. So offer to have the girls over for a sleepover so she can have a night off, just take the boy/send your boy over rather than everyone.

It's a big adjustment for both of you. You'll get there.

MargaretThursday · 24/12/2023 19:50

When your ds asks to play with his cousins why don't you phone and ask if you can have the cousins at your place.

If she finds it stressful with all the dc at hers, then that would be better for both of you.

SocksAndTheCity · 24/12/2023 19:50

Reverse. Nobody this unbelievably obtuse would start a thread telling everybody about it.

LutonBeds · 24/12/2023 19:50

I think this is a reverse.

However, there’s a difference between: “It would be nice if you lived a bit closer so the cousins see each other a bit more” to you moving in next door!

I'd hate having family so physically close. I live in the same town as my DPs and DB but that was not my first choice, it’s why cars and trains exist!

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 24/12/2023 19:51

I imagine you both had romanticised visions of what living next to each other would look like and now it’s reality she has realised it’s not helped her as a single parent like she expected.

Can you invite one or two of her kids to you - by calling - and build the relationship back up from there?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 24/12/2023 19:51

God, your sister is not being unreasonable! Is this a reverse? Just text to see if it's a good time or not.

Snugglemonkey · 24/12/2023 19:52

sistersneighbours · 24/12/2023 19:19

Happy to be told IAMBU, just thought we would see each other more now that we live so close to each other that's it.

You can. You will need to check it is convenient first though

TidyDancer · 24/12/2023 19:57

Yeah this definitely reads like a reverse which is incredibly annoying.