AIBU my sister thinks I should call become I come

[sistersneighbours]

My sister and I are neighbours and really close I’ve just moved here in august so this is the first time we’re living this close. My sister expects that I call her and let her know or ask if I can pop in with the kids. I have three children, and she has 2 twin girls aged 5 and a boy.

When we are at her house, I can tell she find it’s hard with all the kids together in one place, her girls are really demanding and difficult, they’re running around screaming all the time, and I think that combined with all the people in the house makes my sister overstimulated, she can’t handle the noise. My kids are older and don’t run around like that.

There have been a few times where we’ve been at hers for a few hours and she said out loud “ I think its time for you guys to go home”, when she’s ill I have offered to come round, clean and cook and help with the kids. She always says no because I will bring my children and “it will be too much”, when she needs childcare I have offered and she says no again for the same reason and asks someone else even though we literally live next to each other.

I have offered her to bring her kids to my house, and she says no because she knows her girls will fight and it will be be chaos.

I moved here to be close to her and her kids, help each other etc.. we can go a whole week without seeing each other and I never expected this living so close to each other. Example : she lives at 35 and I live at 37.

People who just pop round don't get that people have life's and might have other stuff to do and can't spend most of their day with them, if you have been there hours and she's telling you to go home you have been their too long.

I find this very sad @Tattletwat I'm a popper inner. 10 years ago I was part of a group of popper inners. Why on earth would you think that us popper inners don't understand people have lives and other stuff to do?

I found it a wonderful surprise to open the door to a friend (and sometimes their children too). If I had somewhere to go, I'd tell them. If I could spare them an hour, I'd tell them. If they were very welcome to stay most of the day, I'd tell them.

One memorable Saturday, I already had a planned morning playdate of mum and two children round my house. Kids were happily playing. A couple turned up for a cuppa unexpectedly about 20 mins before the other family were going to leave. One thing led to another, and I ended up feeding 4 children and 5 adults cheese on toast for lunch. We sat chatting and playing until about 4pm. It was grand.

I'd have felt comfortable telling all the people in the room that it was time to leave if I'd needed to. Even if I had told them, it may not have meant they'd been there too long. Part of the popping in culture is that you're happy to see someone for a short time rather than not at all.

I truly understand my wonderful afternoon sounds like the idea of hell to many of the posters on this thread. But for me, and people like @sistersneighbours , it's wonderful and it works. Popping in is a fabulous way to maintain real relationships imo. I don't accuse and judge those who disagree with me, like some posts on this thread are.

The very thought of someone just turning up makes me feel annoyed. Of course you should call.

Why not just call first, as she asks? That is the obvious answer.

Poor love sounds very stressed.

I hate it when people 'pop in' and I don't do it to anyone. I prefer a quick call first, even if it's to say 'we are in the area, can we call in?' I live literally a two minute walk from ds and sil. I still call before going round. I have a key to their home. I wouldn't dream of using it without express permission. I also don't just take it upon myself to do their housework - I always ask if I can help at all, but if they say no, then I concentrate on spending time with the dgcs, giving ds and Dil the opportunity to do their own housework knowing the dgcs are safely occupied.
My dsis is like you, open door policy, happy for people to call in without notice and like you, she doesn't seem to understand that we are not all the same. We don't see each other very much.

I can't believe anyone turns up at someone's house without calling first! Of course ask

Honestly only MN people will dislike it if you help with their housework, don't know anyone in real life who would be happy if I do their dishes 😂. It's like I just come in and start cleaning, for instance my sister left last week to do some shopping, her house was a mess. And instead of sitting there in a messy house until she came back, I started cleaning the kitchen so it was ready for when she got back with the shopping. And she was happy and really appreciated it.

And I wouldn't just pop in if it was a friends house, but given that we're sisters and neighbours I thought there would be an open door policy, I would be happy for her to pop in whenever she want. But she's not like that, and that's okay.

I've realised that living so close to each other is not really a good idea, we've had arguments about other stuff aswell. I should just have listened to my brothers advice when he warned me about moving next door to her.

One time when my kids were at their dads house, I texted her around 4pm that I would pop in later, she didn't reply. I got to her house around 7pm ish, and she got angry and asked me why didn't I tell the EXACT time I was coming around and not just "later" . I never expected this kind of hostility tbh .

@Globules I'm curious to know how is your relationship with your sister now? Do you still live close to her?

You are being unreasonable. Sending a text asking if it’s a good time to pop round is a perfectly reasonable request.

When I'm on the phone to my mum, she asks me if I'm at my sisters house, and if I tell her I'm at my own house " one time too many" she will ask me " don't you guys see each other" so sometimes I lie and say we saw each other yesterday

This ^

Your sister is frantically pushing back because you aren't respecting anything she says. No one ever comes to my house unannounced. I would never go anywhere without texting first. I was a single parent for many years. My eldest son would become over excited and manic if lots of people came at once. It was exhausting at the time and it took hours for him to come down again. Listen to her. She has told you what she and her children can cope with. LISTEN.

I still live a 10 min drive from her @sistersneighbours I see her about once every 3 months for a couple of hours. It's always planned 3+ weeks in advance. I leave her to plan it, as she doesn't like my way of doing things, nor has tried to adapt to meeting me halfway, so it's all organised her way.

We have a great time when we do get together, but we saw each other more when we lived 2 hours apart.

The more you say OP the worse things get.

You are massively overstepping the mark and being really inapprorpriate.

She probably didn’t text you back because she didn’t want you to go over there. She needs a break!

No wonder your sister is seeming stressed and you are arguing with each other.

You need to really re-think your attitude and your approach because this is not going to end well if you carry on behaving the way you are.

It sounds like your sister finds her twin girls particularly difficult. Why don't you offer to have one of them round to yours occasionally (then the other one next time)? That way your sister, the girls themselves and their brother get a break from their constant fighting...just an idea.

From one extreme to another.
Neither one of them bodes well for a good sisterly relationship..

Why though. Why not just say “no, I don’t visit too often because she finds visits stressful”.

Do you have issue with being a people pleaser?

I would take a step back if I were you. Maybe let her lead on the contact more. See if you can reach a middle ground of contact that works.

Maybe the little things are turning to arguments because you’re seeing each other too much for what she can manage so she is over reacting about the small things.

Listen to her. I get overstimulated sometimes and it's really unpleasant to live with. Respect her boundaries and you'll find you have a much better relationship.

Did you and your sister discuss your moving so nearby?

Your entire post says why you don't think people have lives as you think it's great to stop what you are doing for someone who just randomly shows up and change and cancel plans.

You might like it and find it wonderful but majority of people don't and have things to do.

If you think it's unreasonable to ask people to call and ask if it is convenient for them then you need to get some empathy.

People might be having a shitty day, mental issues, family issues or just want some privacy and you turning up is last thing they need.

Did you go into your sister's house to clean without her knowing or were you already there when she went out?

@sistersneighbours

OP You should have heeded your brother's advice and not moved next door to your sister - who sounds stifled by the amount of attention she receives from you. Next door is so close- maybe a few doors down or the next street would have been better: you'd still be close but not in her pockets. Also, if your sister prefers do, please, call and check she's OK for a visit before turn up and don't overstay... 🌹

Assuming this is for real, you sound way too much, OP.

I would absolutely hate this level of attention and find it completely intrusive. Respect her boundaries.

You've completely missed the point. Like I said in my post, I understand other people prefer a call or to prearrange. That's fine and their call. I'm not judging or accusing them of being wrong, like your post and others. I appreciate we're all different. You seem to be unable to do the same without being rude about the difference of opinion.

The day I spoke of was a day of being in the house. No plans were changed. People joined us in that day. We were comfortable enough with each other as a group of popper inners to say no on the doorstep if we didn't want them there. As did people with us if we turned up at theirs. I don't know what is so difficult to understand about that. Just because it's not your way, there's no need to be rude.

I haven't been rude at all reread my post, you are taking it as rude as I don't agree with you, worst I said is I you need some empathy. So no I am not being rude so stop stating I am.

You are assuming people would tell you, when in reality a lot are too polite saying behind closed doors I am sick of these just turning up.

Yeah I know, I should have listened to him and he even told me I would regret it later. I never expected this kind of distance from someone who've asked me to move near her. I was meant to move anyway, I was meant to move near my mum and other family members. But my sister was the one who suggested I move near her, because we're so close and it would be good for the kids to be around each other. And she lives far from my mum and the rest of the family.

So yeah, I never expected this kind of distance from my sister when she's the one who suggested the move. I thought we would see each other a lot more than we do, and I thought she would have accepted my help. I've been here since august and she's been to my house 3 times, which is weird since we're sisters and neighbours and I do listen to her, and I've haven't seen her for a week because I'm just waiting for her to initiate contact and let me know when she wants to see me.

I never expected things to be like this, but I love my house and love the area, so I'm not going to move.