AIBU my sister thinks I should call become I come

[sistersneighbours]

My sister and I are neighbours and really close I’ve just moved here in august so this is the first time we’re living this close. My sister expects that I call her and let her know or ask if I can pop in with the kids. I have three children, and she has 2 twin girls aged 5 and a boy.

When we are at her house, I can tell she find it’s hard with all the kids together in one place, her girls are really demanding and difficult, they’re running around screaming all the time, and I think that combined with all the people in the house makes my sister overstimulated, she can’t handle the noise. My kids are older and don’t run around like that.

There have been a few times where we’ve been at hers for a few hours and she said out loud “ I think its time for you guys to go home”, when she’s ill I have offered to come round, clean and cook and help with the kids. She always says no because I will bring my children and “it will be too much”, when she needs childcare I have offered and she says no again for the same reason and asks someone else even though we literally live next to each other.

I have offered her to bring her kids to my house, and she says no because she knows her girls will fight and it will be be chaos.

I moved here to be close to her and her kids, help each other etc.. we can go a whole week without seeing each other and I never expected this living so close to each other. Example : she lives at 35 and I live at 37.

My worst nightmare is family or friends loving next door. Honestly gives me the shivers!

"There have been a few times where we’ve been at hers for a few hours and she said out loud “ I think its time for you guys to go home”,"

A few hours?! Oh go home OP. Too long.

You can see she's uncomfortable having all the people in the house but still think that you should get to pop in whenever unannounced?
She just wants to mentally prepare for visitors. Maybe tidy up a bit.
I hate people popping by unexpectedly, I might have had plans (even if those plans are slobbing on the couch not chatting.)

I don't know why people think it's a reverse. This is why I came on here to ask if I was BU, and I am. Happy to accept that, just wanted some advice that's all. Because we were so close before moving, I never thought things would be like this living close to each other. I imagined we would see each other more often, and the kids would be in and out of both houses, but it's not like that. And that's okay. I don't expect my sister to call before coming round, but she does.

You can see each other more, the beauty is you can pop round for an hour or so because you're so close.

I have to say no because I don't know if we're allowed to come and honestly I don't feel like calling and asking if we can come over.

Well that's your choice then if you don't feel like calling.
Calling first and not routinely staying for hours at a time are basic courtesies.

She's not like that at all, I've been to her house a few times where I've done the dishes, and hoovered. So it's not because she wants time to tidy up, she knows I don't care and always help her out with that. It's just that she can't handle all the kids being together in one place, it just makes me wonder how will they have a relationship if she can't handle the kids being together in one place more than an hour?

You're right. When I told our brother I was moving near house, he told me I shouldn't do it etc for a few reasons, one being she's moved around so many times with her kids, and he was scared she would move again and I would be alone with no family around.

I could have written your post myself 10 years ago.

I had a close circle of friends, who would happily pop in on each other, with children, on the off chance of a catch up and cuppa.

I moved to be closer to my sister and was shocked when the first few times I turned up on her door, she told me to go away. She needed notice. I don't. We had a chat and agreed what works for us.

Sadly, we rarely see each other now, as it has to be planned for her. Planning an hour in for a cuppa two weeks in advance doesn't work for me.

I hope you find a way forward that works for you both.

Sorry but that's on you then, not her.

She's just saying look I'm not available 24/7 for you, sometimes I'll be tired or busy or out or sneaking a quickie (nap, obv) so check I'm fr to before you bring three kids to add to my three kids.

You're sulking because if you can't turn up whenever you want for however long you want, you'll sulk.

Before you moved did you discuss this fantasy life where you'll basically live in each others houses and the kids will grow up just between you all?

This. I am you, and your sister is like my sister. I don't need a notice for her to pop in, because we live so close to each other. But she does, and I have to accept that. And when we're there, I just don't feel comfortable because I know how she feels, and she's just itching for us to go.

Why do you all have to go around if it's just your son that wants to play with his cousin? Just ask if he can come round? Who wants someone sitting there in your living room for hours on end. ?

Living close to or with family always looks great on paper. Reality is totally different.

Sorry yabu

You moved next door? Did she want that or you just decided to live on top of her?

Of course you should call first, and learn some boundaries.

YAB massively U.

My whole family knows they cannot come unless they call well in advance.

I don't enjoy people in my home at the best of times.
That many children would do my head in... As would a family member expecting to see me every week.

You sound really overbearing and good on her for trying to establish boundaries.

Christ. Send her a text and stop staying for hours.

I have several sisters and friends, but turn up unexpectedly? No.

I don’t understand how people have time to have drop in visitors. I work till 5pm then by the time I’ve made tea, done the chores, taken the kids to clubs etc it’s about 9pm and then I’m ready for bed. On a weekend we always have plans. When are you calling in for a cuppa?

"how will they have a relationship if she can't handle the kids being together in one place more than an hour?"

Perfectly well. An hour at a time is plenty for six kids to be in the mix. There's a lot to be said for a short visit which ends on a positive note. Hours on end with you all packed into her house? No love. No.

honestly I don't feel like calling and asking if we can come over

You have been asked to call and check that it would be convenient to drop by ... and you don't want to do that?

Really? Why would you not do as asked?

Yabu

I mean its not even a hint your missing... she is blatantly TELLING you and you are just too full of disrespect to listen. How many 'hints' are you refusing to take in the HOURS you are invading her space until she finally has to tell you to 'fuck off'?

Of course you have to call, of course bringing your circus into her house is too much, of course when shes ill she doesn't want half a dozen kids fighting in the house or to be worried about a guest/visitor... this has to be a reverse because its blatant common sense.

On top of that many of us do not enjoy people in our space. Its our sanctuary, our safe space to get away from that. It a literally anxiety inducing nightmare to have people in my home. I'm perfectly social and will happily go out to meet people but don't be forcing your way in my 'safe space' boundary.

I have friends who are opposite, they wont ever leave the house but are happy to have 20+ people cram into their tiny living room for a party and honestly it would be my worst social nightmare.

This sounds suffocating. I couldn't do this. My family (including sister and parents) always phone before popping over. It's polite.

I think if she is being clear that she needs notice then that is fair enough. Better for her to be honest and open that quietly fume about it.

Some ideas-
*message and say your son would like to Xbox with his cousin, and ask is there a time that work for them to play together.
*invite her to your home more.
*instead of having all of the kids in one house, maybe one person has the older 3 and one the younger 3 (or whatever combination works for the kids playing together).
*meet outside the house. Suggest a local walk or trip to the park.

Sounds like you both want different things out of living close to each other. Did you move a long distance just to be near her? Sounds a bit extreme to uproot the whole family just for your sister. Or were you planning on a move anyway.

I live a few doors down from my sister, BIL and niece!
We have done for 10 years.
The odd time I pop over is to quickly give her something. We see each other most days as we share school runs with my niece and daughter.
Every other time we ring or text each other before going over or her coming over here.
It's the way we like it!
We aren't on top of each other and have our own privacy....but if I need her she would be there in a second!

It's just that she can't handle all the kids being together in one place, it just makes me wonder how will they have a relationship if she can't handle the kids being together in one place more than an hour?

It does sound like she struggles with parenting in a way that you don’t. She probably thought having you around would bring her relief from her kids, and she didn’t factor in that there would just be more kids that she struggles to control.

I really hope your brother isn’t right and she just ups sticks somewhere else.