AIBU my sister thinks I should call become I come

[sistersneighbours]

My sister and I are neighbours and really close I’ve just moved here in august so this is the first time we’re living this close. My sister expects that I call her and let her know or ask if I can pop in with the kids. I have three children, and she has 2 twin girls aged 5 and a boy.

When we are at her house, I can tell she find it’s hard with all the kids together in one place, her girls are really demanding and difficult, they’re running around screaming all the time, and I think that combined with all the people in the house makes my sister overstimulated, she can’t handle the noise. My kids are older and don’t run around like that.

There have been a few times where we’ve been at hers for a few hours and she said out loud “ I think its time for you guys to go home”, when she’s ill I have offered to come round, clean and cook and help with the kids. She always says no because I will bring my children and “it will be too much”, when she needs childcare I have offered and she says no again for the same reason and asks someone else even though we literally live next to each other.

I have offered her to bring her kids to my house, and she says no because she knows her girls will fight and it will be be chaos.

I moved here to be close to her and her kids, help each other etc.. we can go a whole week without seeing each other and I never expected this living so close to each other. Example : she lives at 35 and I live at 37.

My ex MIL used to come over and clean my house. I absolutely hated it. It made me deel like I was t doing a good enough job. Of course I'd pretend I loved it at the time

"for instance my sister left last week to do some shopping, her house was a mess. And instead of sitting there in a messy house until she came back, I started cleaning the kitchen so it was ready for when she got back with the shopping."

See to me, I think why are you sitting in her house when she's gone out? I'd go home.

I think this is just difference of people. Some dont like visitors turning up unannounced, others aren’t bothered. My parents would find it hilarious if I contacted them to ‘arrange’ a visit, I have always just popped to their house whenever I felt like it and it was the same with my grandparents when they were alive. Everyone else I whatsapp first, including my sister. It isn’t unreasonable of your sister to want a phone call.

I love my sister. But would hate to live so close to her. Maybe she's not overly happy you live next door.

Lots of questions…

Do you ever invite her or kids to yours?
What happens when you call or text?
Do you go over to help with the kids or just send them?
Does she ever call to pop in to yours?

You don’t teach your kids that they can just invite yourselves to other people’s houses. If your kids ask to go to someone else’s, you so, ‘no, it’s rude to invite yourself to other people’s house-we can invite them here’.

You don’t teach your kids that they can just invite yourselves to other people’s houses. If your kids ask to go to someone else’s, you so, ‘no, it’s rude to invite yourself to other people’s house-we can invite them here’.

This

The thing is, it's not help if it's unwanted. My mother used to do this sort of thing and I really resent it, even now if I think about it. It felt really violating and intrusive and I was supposed to appreciate the 'help' that wasn't even needed. It was really about her need to feel she was helping than about me needing help.

YABU - You seem to think that neighbours = living as one extended household, whereas your sister wants some basic courtesy and boundaries between the two households. You need to sit down with your sister and have an honest conversation as to what your expectations are and what hers are and come to a compromise as to where the boundaries need to be set.

I live literally round the corner from one of my siblings, no more than a 10 minute drive from the other two and 5-15minutes away from 7 of my maternal cousins who all have young children that I regularly babysit for and spend time with socially. I would never ever invite myself over to any of their houses unannounced, even the sibling that lives round the corner gets a quick "I'm on the way home, you in if I stop by for half an hour?" text and I don't stop by unless I get a response in the affirmative. I'd only drop by unannounced if there was an emergency or something was time sensitive which rarely ever happens.

Your sister has asked you to let her know when you want to come round, that is not in any way unreasonable. Nor is it unreasonable for her to not want the same "open door policy" you want and clearly she is having to be explicitly clear as to what that means because if you're as obtuse with her as you are with people on this thread then I have no doubt that she has given you many, many hints that you have ignored.

If one of your children wants to play with one of hers then that does not necessitate your whole family trooping round, it means you text your sister to say "Johnny wants to play with Jimmy, is it ok for him to pop round now? No worries if you're busy" which gives her the choice to say "Yes no problem" or "Actually we're just going out, but we'll be back after 6 if he wants to come over then" or "We're busy today but he can come round any time tomorrow".

Just turning up on her doorstep probably feels too much like she has to justify herself and she's being put on the spot when there's a child standing on the doorstep wanting to play with her own and she doesn't have a good reason beyond "I don't want to right now" especially if she knows that any invite is for your entire family to stay indefinitely unless/until she explicitly says GTFO because you don't take any hints to leave when she clearly doesn't want visitors.

Everyone is different, but I hate people(even close friends or family) turning up unannounced! Luckily my sister is the same, so we would always call to check it's OK before going over.

Why would you stay in her house when she went shopping? Did she go as you wouldn't get the hint and go?

She probably thinks you cleaning her house is criticism that is dirty. I would never clean a family members house unless staying and chip in with helping.

You are obviously over staying your welcome -and she doesn't like it. Go for a coffee in town or invite her over to yours for an hour. Staying for hours in someone's house is just unnecessary.

She's told you what she'd like and you are ignoring her because you don't like it. Well she will fall out with you for good if you don't respect what she's saying to you. Your choice.