To be annoyed that toddler not included in christmas meal

[10littlemonkeys]

We are going to my inlaws for Christmas dinner. It is a large family dinner (about 20people). Our DD is 16months old and it is the first Christmas where she understands a little bit of the magic.
I have just found out that there is 'not enough space at the table' for her and that we will have to feed her christmas lunch seperatly to everyone else.
She eats really well and now feeds herself for the most part so I was really looking forward to us all sitting together to enjoy Christmas lunch as last year she was so little I missed it as she was fussy and u settled so had mine microwaved after everyone else.
I know Christmas is different with a baby and usually a bit chaotic, but I also highly expect that it is my inlaw being fussy and more concerned about the mess she might cause whilst eating (a few years ago at christmas she made an adult relative cry for breaking a glass....). There will be other children there a bit older 4/5yo who will be seated at the table.
It is now christmas eve we are finding this out and we don't have any option really to pull out and go elsewhere or stay at home. I'm really not looking forward to the eating part now as most of it will now be one of us feeding DD in another room and having a cold christmas dinner or dinner on own, or running around chasing her whilst everyone eats if she eats before us.
YABU- Christmas with a child is chaotic and you just go with the flow
YANBU- Host should be more accommodating for us and DD

Just say it's no problem we can manage, even if it's a bit tight. Send at last minute so they have no opportunity to say anything else.

Nope sorry we have 3 toddlers and they eat before everyone else. They literally have no clue what's going on and will happily play with there new toys while we sit having lunch in peace. Next year maybe this year we can still all enjoy without anyone being fussed

I see some posters are full of Christmas kindness and spirit on this thread.

We’ll be having 24 people staying with us between Christmas and the New Year, 3 are toddlers, 1 is 4, 2 are 5 and 1 is 7. Children make mess, children spill things, they accidentally knock things over and drop crumbs. None of them will be banished from our table nor expected to eat meals separately to us. They do like to have their own little table if they choose to sit at it, however they’re more than welcome at the ‘big’ table too. The 7 year old especially loves to ‘help’ with the younger children’s drinks etc and yes sometimes they get spilled, it’s not a big deal.

This was a bit pointless of you. Just feed the kid first and then enjoy the meal with everyone else. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face.

@indianwoman

and what do you do with the kid while you’re eating with everyone then?

I think I'd decline in these circumstances. If they don't want your child to eat with them, they shouldn't have invited you all.

I did not invite them they invited themselves, I was so busy with work, I foolishly agreed

@indianwoman No way would DS have sat there on his own whilst everyone else was eating. He was always last man standing at kid’s parties when it came to food

Keep your eye on the prize, OP. Next year (and the year after that, and the year after that, and . . . you get the picture): “oh, don’t factor us in for Christmas, we know that you can’t accommodate the three of us for the meal, so we’re making our own plans”.

They can't dictate if your own baby sits in your own lap or not though, that's up to the parents.

She's 16 months old. How did she break a glass a few years ago?

But overall ridiculous behaviour from in-laws and I wouldn't go. My 5mth old was sitting up in a high chair at Christmas. It's family. Your DD is family. It's really odd behaviour from your in-laws.

‘We think it’s important DD is included at the meal - understand if there isn’t room but if that’s the case we’ll stay home, as it’s important to us to share the day as a family.’

It was an adult that broke the glass..

Ils chose to invite 20 people.. Maybe less people would have allowed their dgs to have a space at the table...

You’d leave 3 toddlers to their own devices in a separate room whilst you ate your meal?

I'd be tempted to stay home. Is there a shop open that you can buy food at? Xx

Take a high chair or sit her on your knee, I guess there's only so many you can sit round the table.

YADNBU. Your MIL sounds pretentious and cold. And as others have said who does she think will magically look after your DD while you’re eating? I’d put money on her expecting it to be you rather than DH!

The MIL has already said no to this .

Whats the point of going if she can't be included? So shit to spring this on you last minute

Draw a firm line. Say your daughter is your priority and you will absolutely not put her in a position where she is excluded. Offer to bring a highchair (bring something to go under it to protect the carpet) or if this is not possible say you will be spending the day as a family. Get DH to send it if possible, as they are his relatives.

We had similar with an extremely fussy SIL who still lives at home and cannot handle any mess or noise (absolutely anything, a dropped bread crust, touching a glass door because of the potential to leave finger marks, etc..). We ended up avoiding going to the parents in law for years, but should have clearly drawn a line as the fussiness/criticism remains.

It is bizarre people will prioritize excessive neatness and appearances at a dinner table over the youngest family members.

Bring the high chair. It doesn’t need to come right up to the table as it has a tray presumably?

If that’s not possible she sits on your DH’s lap, and then moves to yours a bit later on so he can finish off his food.

Really sad that anyone would feel like this. Christmas is about families getting together. And that includes babies, the elderly, awkward teenagers. I can't understand child free weddings either but that's a whole other ball game!!!

OP I hope it all works out well for you and that you have a lovely Christmas.

as last year she was so little I missed it as she was fussy and u settled so had mine microwaved after everyone else.

SO this year their DS will be looking after the little one and missing Christmas lunch = not I suspect what the PILS were expecting - little woman not part of family can miss dinner again. If their beloved son misses dinner they may rethink next year....

Where are they expecting DD to be!? Are they presuming she'll nap or is she meant to amuse herself during lunch?

At 16 months I would expect her to be allowed in a high chair next to you or DH