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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that toddler not included in christmas meal

252 replies

10littlemonkeys · 24/12/2023 16:44

We are going to my inlaws for Christmas dinner. It is a large family dinner (about 20people). Our DD is 16months old and it is the first Christmas where she understands a little bit of the magic.
I have just found out that there is 'not enough space at the table' for her and that we will have to feed her christmas lunch seperatly to everyone else.
She eats really well and now feeds herself for the most part so I was really looking forward to us all sitting together to enjoy Christmas lunch as last year she was so little I missed it as she was fussy and u settled so had mine microwaved after everyone else.
I know Christmas is different with a baby and usually a bit chaotic, but I also highly expect that it is my inlaw being fussy and more concerned about the mess she might cause whilst eating (a few years ago at christmas she made an adult relative cry for breaking a glass....). There will be other children there a bit older 4/5yo who will be seated at the table.
It is now christmas eve we are finding this out and we don't have any option really to pull out and go elsewhere or stay at home. I'm really not looking forward to the eating part now as most of it will now be one of us feeding DD in another room and having a cold christmas dinner or dinner on own, or running around chasing her whilst everyone eats if she eats before us.
YABU- Christmas with a child is chaotic and you just go with the flow
YANBU- Host should be more accommodating for us and DD

OP posts:
caringcarer · 24/12/2023 19:17

ZekeZeke · 24/12/2023 16:49

On your knee, DH knee or high chair.
Hardly a complicated situation.

I'd just insist upon this. I wouldn't have my DD excluded. Just ask to sit at one end then easier to accommodate the high chair.

Serrina · 24/12/2023 19:17

10littlemonkeys · 24/12/2023 17:12

Yes as many suggested, I suggested taking a high chair or sitting on lap but was told 'it's already too much of a tight squeeze' hence why I suspect it's more that they don't want her eating at the table but rather in the kitchen where mess can be cleared up easily....

I would do one of 2 things.

  1. Not go
  2. Go and sit her at the table anyway. Sod her bloody carpet.
rwalker · 24/12/2023 19:20

Is there room high chair they do take up a lot of room
with 20 adults there genuinely couldn’t be room
theres a difference between a bit of food on the carpet and a relative break a glass that was no doubt part of a set and only used for best

HumerousHumous · 24/12/2023 19:21

Sitting your little one on your lap does NOT take up any extra space or inconvenience other guests as she's in front of you. It might be a little tighter fit for you or DH but she should definitely be part of the food and celebrations. Let them know she'll be on yours or DH's lap. Tell them now so no unpleasantness tomorrow. Hope you have a great lunch.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/12/2023 19:22

rwalker · 24/12/2023 19:20

Is there room high chair they do take up a lot of room
with 20 adults there genuinely couldn’t be room
theres a difference between a bit of food on the carpet and a relative break a glass that was no doubt part of a set and only used for best

Edited

The hosts should have considered that beforehand.

StragglyTinsel · 24/12/2023 19:22

If she’s so worried about the carpet, she can put a mat down.

its not just toddlers that drop stuff on the floor at family meals. Adults do things like spill red wine, which is definitely worse if your main concern is your carpet.

caringcarer · 24/12/2023 19:23

I'm a Nanny now and I've bought a highchair and cot so my DGC can be included. I can't imagine excluding one DC but allowing the others at the table. I've read that Prince Louis has to eat dinner away from adult royals and Prince George and Princess Charlotte.

StragglyTinsel · 24/12/2023 19:24

rwalker · 24/12/2023 19:20

Is there room high chair they do take up a lot of room
with 20 adults there genuinely couldn’t be room
theres a difference between a bit of food on the carpet and a relative break a glass that was no doubt part of a set and only used for best

Edited

Only used for best doesn’t mean they won’t get broken.

Gnomegnomegnome · 24/12/2023 19:25

Just sit her on your lap. She won’t take up any space and you can show them that she is older now and eats well.

Nicole1111 · 24/12/2023 19:25

Rock up with your high chair and when they say I told you there wasn’t room say “oh I thought you were joking” then stare silently at them. Even if they stick to their position it will at least make them consider how ludicrous they are being.

AllIsWellish · 24/12/2023 19:27

I wouldn't bother going, I'd rather have take away for Christmas dinner

zurala · 24/12/2023 19:28

10littlemonkeys · 24/12/2023 17:12

Yes as many suggested, I suggested taking a high chair or sitting on lap but was told 'it's already too much of a tight squeeze' hence why I suspect it's more that they don't want her eating at the table but rather in the kitchen where mess can be cleared up easily....

In which case I would sit you, DH and baby in the kitchen and have your own meal as a family. Just say you want to eat together and so that's what you'll do, as you move your place settings through.

whitebreadjamsandwich · 24/12/2023 19:30

So whats your toddler doing while you're all eating at the table and she's not allowed/has already eaten? Don't think your mil likes you much OP as it wont be your dh expected to amuse the LO!

Sushilover14 · 24/12/2023 19:30

That’s what I thought, trying to avoid tantrums etc

NaughtybutNice77 · 24/12/2023 19:31

AhBiscuits · 24/12/2023 16:45

Can't you just have her in a high chair next to you?

My thoughts exactly. Between you and Dad

Normandy144 · 24/12/2023 19:31

I'm not going to say YABU or YANBU to be honest I think you're overthinking this. Either bring a highchair for her and have her slightly offset from the table between you or if highchair not possible then one of you have her on your knee and then swap. I don't really understand why you have to eat in another room or after anyone else.

StBrides · 24/12/2023 19:33

10littlemonkeys · 24/12/2023 17:12

Yes as many suggested, I suggested taking a high chair or sitting on lap but was told 'it's already too much of a tight squeeze' hence why I suspect it's more that they don't want her eating at the table but rather in the kitchen where mess can be cleared up easily....

She's your baby, they don't get to decide whether you have her on your lap or not. Take the high chair, make it work with it or her on your lap...if you do it without making a thing of it they won't be able to say anything.

They probably just have night-before-hosting stress, don't let it snowball and ruin the vibe

SurreyisSunny · 24/12/2023 19:34

I had this when my DS was 2, it was assumed he wouldn’t sit at the table when we turned up. It was easily solved though, another chair was found and we all squeezed up.

I’d just turn up with a chair or booster and put it at the table when you arrive.

NaughtybutNice77 · 24/12/2023 19:34

I've been to meals hosted in someone's family home. Most of us don't have the space and furniture for this. At my mum's we regularly have 7 for dinner. I sit to 1 side as the table isn't big enough. At larger gatherings the children have eaten at a different table. I doubt she's excluding your child as such, more like there not enough chairs/space.
Bring a high chair.

Kittylala · 24/12/2023 19:35

What have you decided to do? Personally I would tell them how disappointed you are that not all the family are included and to fj d out too late inbthe day to make alternative arrangements and as such you are declining the invite and any future invites at Xmas.

Strawberryjams · 24/12/2023 19:36

She’d 100% be at that table with me either on my knee or squished in beside me in her high chair.

LonelynSad · 24/12/2023 19:36

YANBU!

Nagado · 24/12/2023 19:37

Unless your child is the size of a baby calf, I fail to see how her sitting on your lap will be too much of a squeeze, so it’s clearly not about the space; they just don’t want her eating in the dining room. And if they’re so precious about a broken glass that they made someone cry, do you think they’d just say a firm no if you tried a breezy ‘don’t worry, we’ll fit her in’?

I think you should ask your DH to phone them tonight and tell them that you’re quite happy to put the high chair on a towel or shower curtain etc, but you’re not prepared to shove her in a cupboard while you and your DH eat with them. You are a family, you come as a family and you want to eat together as a family. If they won’t accommodate that, I’d stay home and have beans on toast, get a cheap turkey on Boxing Day morning and have a traditional lunch that afternoon.

Let’s hope they never get to a stage where bladder control becomes an issue. If they do, I’d take great pleasure in refusing to have them over for dinner in case they pee themselves, unless they’d like to have their dinner standing up in the kitchen.

Globules · 24/12/2023 19:39

I wouldn't make a big deal of it. Just sit her on your knee at dinner. Stick to your guns if MIL insists she eats first.

"No, it's ok, she'll be sitting on my lap at dinner. No need to bother yourself making a fuss of her before"

Rinse and repeat with a great big smile.

Snowonthebeachx · 24/12/2023 19:39

This is so mean! I can't imagine my parents or inlaws ever excluding one of their gc. Isn't eating all at a big table what Christmas is all about?!

I'd plop her on my lap or the three of you eat in the kitchen. If it's your MIL DH needs to step up!