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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that toddler not included in christmas meal

252 replies

10littlemonkeys · 24/12/2023 16:44

We are going to my inlaws for Christmas dinner. It is a large family dinner (about 20people). Our DD is 16months old and it is the first Christmas where she understands a little bit of the magic.
I have just found out that there is 'not enough space at the table' for her and that we will have to feed her christmas lunch seperatly to everyone else.
She eats really well and now feeds herself for the most part so I was really looking forward to us all sitting together to enjoy Christmas lunch as last year she was so little I missed it as she was fussy and u settled so had mine microwaved after everyone else.
I know Christmas is different with a baby and usually a bit chaotic, but I also highly expect that it is my inlaw being fussy and more concerned about the mess she might cause whilst eating (a few years ago at christmas she made an adult relative cry for breaking a glass....). There will be other children there a bit older 4/5yo who will be seated at the table.
It is now christmas eve we are finding this out and we don't have any option really to pull out and go elsewhere or stay at home. I'm really not looking forward to the eating part now as most of it will now be one of us feeding DD in another room and having a cold christmas dinner or dinner on own, or running around chasing her whilst everyone eats if she eats before us.
YABU- Christmas with a child is chaotic and you just go with the flow
YANBU- Host should be more accommodating for us and DD

OP posts:
Raincloudsonasunnyday · 24/12/2023 19:40

I would feed my baby at her normal feeding time, then let her crawl/toddle around the table while I’m eating. If her normal feeding time is my meal time, she can sit on my lap and eat from my plate if space is really that tight. If MIL doesnt like it, her DS can deal with it. Unbelievable.

SuperGinger · 24/12/2023 19:41

Actually toddlers are a pain in the arse, I loved mine at that age but they were messy and annoying at mealtimes, now we are about to have a two year old visit. I'm dreading it. My house isn't set up for toddlers, in fact it's a massive imposition, the child should eat wherever the host specifies.

Ap24 · 24/12/2023 19:42

I don't understand how you will be able to eat dinner at the table? Where do they think your DC will be? I'd stay home and order an Indian, loads of takeaways are open in the evening.

cyclamenqueen · 24/12/2023 19:42

NaughtybutNice77 · 24/12/2023 19:31

My thoughts exactly. Between you and Dad

Show quote history

The OP has already said that her MIL has said no to that suggestion

MissTrip82 · 24/12/2023 19:42

rwalker · 24/12/2023 19:20

Is there room high chair they do take up a lot of room
with 20 adults there genuinely couldn’t be room
theres a difference between a bit of food on the carpet and a relative break a glass that was no doubt part of a set and only used for best

Edited

Why would people invite more people than they can fit? That makes no sense.

Also ‘best’ glass or not, it’s both unkind and extremely rude to make a massive fuss over an accident.

StillWantingADog · 24/12/2023 19:48

If there really isn’t space for a high chair then obviously she’ll be on your knee?
not entirely unreasonable for her to eat her main meal separately, as she probably will have a certain routine with regards to eating times, but she’ll surely want to have a bit of a pick at the main meal with you.

or is she not welcome at the table at all. In which case where would she be? At that age mine would be approximately where I was whatever the others thought

irisgg7 · 24/12/2023 19:51

It would be a cold day in hell before I went to a meal where my children were excluded.

Cancel the invitation, explain why..have your own family Christmas going forward. Get a take out.
Jesus if you can't stand up for your own children, who can?

My toddlers were never a pain the arse, what a horrid comment. They were very well behaved and lovely.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 24/12/2023 19:55

How mean of them!
Christmas is about family
WhatsApp are they going to do if you sit her on your lap? Make a fuss in front of everyone!
Obviously she can't be left on her own, so they're excluding you too, otherwise

WiddlinDiddlin · 24/12/2023 19:55

Pfft.

This is about mess/disruption not room.

Pop her high chair between you on a mat, angle it in so its only you and DP its bothering, she doesn't need to be totally up against the table or have a place setting as she has a high chair.

Don't ask, just do it, or just sit her on your lap, mutter something about feeding her afterwards and then feed her from your plate and 'oh well shes full now' at the end!

Bloody people, we 'only' had room for 8 the last year we did a big family christmas... we had 12 and an 18 month old on various laps through the course of the meal, it was fine, it was fun and she made no more mess than the rest of us!

forrestgreen · 24/12/2023 19:59

I'd ignore the request and plonk baby on your knee as everyone starts eating. She won't kick you both out surely?

Itslegitimatesalvage · 24/12/2023 20:01

Just set the high chair up behind you and say, “I don’t mind the squeeze and everyone is sitting down so it doesn’t matter. We’re not having Christmas dinner separately when she is old enough to eat with us, so let’s just have dinner.”

If she makes a scene, the rest of the family will side with you and your husband, especially as they will all know that she made someone cry in a previous year. Honestly, just take the high chair and get in with it. Ignore her. She isn’t going to staff shouting in front of everyone.

Itslegitimatesalvage · 24/12/2023 20:03

SuperGinger · 24/12/2023 19:41

Actually toddlers are a pain in the arse, I loved mine at that age but they were messy and annoying at mealtimes, now we are about to have a two year old visit. I'm dreading it. My house isn't set up for toddlers, in fact it's a massive imposition, the child should eat wherever the host specifies.

If that’s your opinion, then don’t invite a toddler. If you invite someone with a toddler, you have to include that toddler in the meal
plans or what’s the point? You’re not just excluding the toddler from the meal, you’re excluding a parent as well. The toddler doesn’t just disappear during meal times.

ActDottie · 24/12/2023 20:06

CharmedCult · 24/12/2023 16:47

Surely you just take her high chair and you and DH shuffle up a bit to create a space?

This is what I’d do. Give your in laws no option but to accommodate her.

InSpainTheRain · 24/12/2023 20:06

I wpuld stick to my guns with a breezy "of course DD is eating with us she can be on my lap". If they insist on a separate room I'd eat my dinner with DD and ask DH if he wanted to join too. Then I'd remember to not go back, especially at Christmas.

Gymnopedie · 24/12/2023 20:10

Is MIL an attention seeker? Is she worried that your DD will take the spotlight off her?

Whatever, I wouldn't be putting myself out to take DD to see her when she next decides she wants to play Grandma of the Year.

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/12/2023 20:12

Hopefully you had an Ikea highchair. Easy to transport and doesnt take a lot of room

Put a plastic mat u def her highchair - assume hoh have one at home

Or an old towel etx

Seems a bit mean not including her

Ktime · 24/12/2023 20:13

If you’re a guest in someone’s home, you sit where they tell you to sit.

I feel sorry for the in laws. Not only do they have to host 20 people every year, they also have to deal with people breaking their glasses and moaning about seating arrangements.

Dixiechickonhols · 24/12/2023 20:17

I’d take a high hair. If you don’t then definitely have dh sit with her and you eat your lunch.
At least you know to decline next year and can say you want to eat as a family.

irisgg7 · 24/12/2023 20:18

@Ktime
No, you invite people you accommodate them, if you can't treat humans with respect. don't host! A toddler is no less important.
Grandma would be getting a dose of her own from me.

FreebieWallopFridge · 24/12/2023 20:19

10littlemonkeys · 24/12/2023 17:12

Yes as many suggested, I suggested taking a high chair or sitting on lap but was told 'it's already too much of a tight squeeze' hence why I suspect it's more that they don't want her eating at the table but rather in the kitchen where mess can be cleared up easily....

I’d be rather tempted to point out that she isn’t a dog tbh…..

saffy2 · 24/12/2023 20:19

Just sit her on your knee and feed her from your plate.
our 16m old niece is coming to ours tomorrow and my in laws have said she will sit on their knees and eat some if she wants. My 5 year old won’t really eat either tbh 😂 she will be there for the social aspect and the fun and that’s it! 😂 she often does a lot of stickers at the table during Christmas dinner 😂

Ktime · 24/12/2023 20:21

irisgg7 · 24/12/2023 20:18

@Ktime
No, you invite people you accommodate them, if you can't treat humans with respect. don't host! A toddler is no less important.
Grandma would be getting a dose of her own from me.

A dose of what?

You sound so entitled. If you’re not happy with the seating arrangement, stay home!

TomeTome · 24/12/2023 20:22

I think I’d say “oh sorry I thought you’d invited all three of us for Christmas dinner, we’ll have to decline if our child isn’t invited as we obviously want to all be together to celebrate” and I’d have Christmas at home. Your daughter is not a scullery made to be fed in the kitchen.

Crazycrazylady · 24/12/2023 20:24

I'd compromise by feeding her in the high chair first in the kitchen and then when ye at all eating. Bring her high chair in with some cleanish finger food.

Seagrassbasket · 24/12/2023 20:24

I’m with you OP. I’d be really hurt and upset for DS if he wasn’t included - it’s a family meal for gods sake. It doesn’t matter if your LO won’t be aware it’s the principle of being excluded from a special meal!!

I’d raise again about her sitting with you at the table on your lap and if not ‘allowed’ I’d expect your DH and you to all sit together somewhere else eating the meal.