To be annoyed that toddler not included in christmas meal

[10littlemonkeys]

We are going to my inlaws for Christmas dinner. It is a large family dinner (about 20people). Our DD is 16months old and it is the first Christmas where she understands a little bit of the magic.
I have just found out that there is 'not enough space at the table' for her and that we will have to feed her christmas lunch seperatly to everyone else.
She eats really well and now feeds herself for the most part so I was really looking forward to us all sitting together to enjoy Christmas lunch as last year she was so little I missed it as she was fussy and u settled so had mine microwaved after everyone else.
I know Christmas is different with a baby and usually a bit chaotic, but I also highly expect that it is my inlaw being fussy and more concerned about the mess she might cause whilst eating (a few years ago at christmas she made an adult relative cry for breaking a glass....). There will be other children there a bit older 4/5yo who will be seated at the table.
It is now christmas eve we are finding this out and we don't have any option really to pull out and go elsewhere or stay at home. I'm really not looking forward to the eating part now as most of it will now be one of us feeding DD in another room and having a cold christmas dinner or dinner on own, or running around chasing her whilst everyone eats if she eats before us.
YABU- Christmas with a child is chaotic and you just go with the flow
YANBU- Host should be more accommodating for us and DD

That's just rubbish. My mil had that mindset but I put my foot down. I believe children should sit at the table with the grown ups to learn good table manners. At that point in time the extended family could still fit round the table so I got my way. SIL didn't give a shit and was happy to let her dcs sit and eat front of the tv while everyone else sat at the dining table. They're now teenagers and pre teens and still doing that.
I hate confrontation, especially with ILs in that situation, I'd just set the high chair up beside me at the table.

It’s not what you have in mind, but you can’t really dictate how other people host Christmas. Clearly having a toddler throwing cranberry sauce across their dining room isn’t what they have in mind.

Why not give her lunch in the kitchen beforehand, and then put her down to nap over the mealtime? You can then enjoy dinner in peace. The only magic she might realistically understand or appreciate is the sparkly lights, so she’s hardly missing out. You can then have your family lunch at home next year.

I like the response (not sure who wrote it) "No problem, dh has said he'll eat in the kitchen with dd while I have dinner at the table."
That'll pickle their chops.

Where is she supposed to go while you eat?

Perhaps you need to say "she eats with us , not separately, we could put a mat down if you're worried about mess".

Otherwise take her and your husband in the kitchen and eat together.

They can't dictate if OP's own child sits in her own lap though.

Wonderfully ironic, isn't it? Christmas (in Europe/European -influenced lands) either a celebration of Yule - a time when a tiny new light is 'born' out of the darkness to bring continuing life to the world (just as a grandchild does...) OR ELSE it's the celebration of the birth of a baby who - as believers say - links and reconciles humanity with all its faults to the all-powerful, all-forgiving divine.

If ever there was a time when a young child should be very warmly welocmed at table, Christmas is it. Otherwise, what are people celebrating?

Surely, a highchair parked between you and your DH but just a bit behind you, so that you can easily turn round and give your toddler all necessary attention, woud not get in anyone's way. And, as previous posters have said, if children are not allowed to sit around tables with adults, how are they ever going to learn good table manners and other very important social and conversational skills?

What happened when the 4/5yr old was a toddler?

Just Chill Op
The likelihood is that your 16mnth will want lunch at the routine time of 12 or 12.30 nd will sleep through the Xmas meal. Are you intent on dragging her to a late lunch and the poor emotional control that goes with it to spite MIL?

Of course you’re not being unreasonable to want to eat with your daughter on Christmas Day.
Wgat is she meant to do while you all eat? Not having room for a high chair is BS as did could sit to one side or behind you?!
I would stay home for lunch if your child is excluded

People are weird. How difficult can it be to make space for a little one?

I would hate to be somewhere where I’m worried about me or my child making a mess.

Obviously it’s not your home so you do have to follow their rules a bit.

I would feed your toddler in the kitchen just before you eat, then sit her just behind you and DH in the high chair so she’s sort of in between and give her some toys and a drink.
Hopefully you’ll both be able to eat your dinner and take in turns and play with her and keep her entertained.

If she enjoys a show then this is the time I’d be letting her use a phone/iPad to keep her entertained so you can enjoy your meal.

I’d tell them tonight ( or get your husband to tell them ) that they either make room for the high chair or you won’t be coming . What is the point if you can’t sit at the table with everyone else because you are chasing around after the already fed toddler .

Maybe they’re trying ti make sure the adults from the 20 invited guests sit and eat?

Do people seriously think a toddler should be prioritised over an adult to sit at the table?

I would be annoyed if my child was being excluded from the dinner table. Christmas is supposed to be about family spending time together and the bit of chaos a baby brings is all part of the fun. I’d bring a high chair and be prepared and see how it goes. If you are asked to go to another room and eat separately make sure next year when the topic comes up you make your own plans and say why. A family friendly day with the focus being on your child is the priority for you

She would be eating with us, end of.

Your DH needs to deal with his mother.

Do people seriously think a toddler should be prioritised over an adult to sit at the table?

No. I think they shouldn't have invited people they couldn't fit at the table. Or they should allow OP and her DH to have their child on their lap.

But it’s not just the dc is it . Not allowing the child, even in a high chair, to be in the dining room means that at least one of the parents will need to sit the meal out. If you invite people then you need to accommodate them , otherwise just don’t ask them.

Just what I was 🤔. Is the toddler a member of this family or not.

I would just have her on my lap regardless of what the host says. Seriously, what are they going to do about it? Kick you out?

Even if she has already eaten beforehand, she can still sit in your lap during the meal.

Just say sorry she’ll be eating with us and I’ll bring a high chair.

(a few years ago at christmas she made an adult relative cry for breaking a glass....).
But she’s only 16 mth’s old.

Fucking ridiculous. If this was me, I’d wait until food time and carry your DC through with you to sit on your lap. If they try to say again that there’s no space and she has to eat alone, say “I’m sorry but she’s not eating alone on Christmas Day. She’s sitting on my lap, she doesn’t take up any space”. But I suspect they don’t say anything because they know how unreasonable they’re being and won’t want to show themselves up in front of all the other guests.

how would that work one of you somewhere else with your dc whilst everyone else eats?

what does your dh say

I’d have her on my lap too. It’s not ok to tell me I have to feed my child in a different room to everyone else.

She’ll be no messier than anyone else.

No, I think an adult relative broke a glass and MIL made her cry by reacting badly.