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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that toddler not included in christmas meal

252 replies

10littlemonkeys · 24/12/2023 16:44

We are going to my inlaws for Christmas dinner. It is a large family dinner (about 20people). Our DD is 16months old and it is the first Christmas where she understands a little bit of the magic.
I have just found out that there is 'not enough space at the table' for her and that we will have to feed her christmas lunch seperatly to everyone else.
She eats really well and now feeds herself for the most part so I was really looking forward to us all sitting together to enjoy Christmas lunch as last year she was so little I missed it as she was fussy and u settled so had mine microwaved after everyone else.
I know Christmas is different with a baby and usually a bit chaotic, but I also highly expect that it is my inlaw being fussy and more concerned about the mess she might cause whilst eating (a few years ago at christmas she made an adult relative cry for breaking a glass....). There will be other children there a bit older 4/5yo who will be seated at the table.
It is now christmas eve we are finding this out and we don't have any option really to pull out and go elsewhere or stay at home. I'm really not looking forward to the eating part now as most of it will now be one of us feeding DD in another room and having a cold christmas dinner or dinner on own, or running around chasing her whilst everyone eats if she eats before us.
YABU- Christmas with a child is chaotic and you just go with the flow
YANBU- Host should be more accommodating for us and DD

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 24/12/2023 16:58

When we’re all together for any meal, the kids tend to sit at a different table all together - they love it!
At 16 months, they would have been in high chairs and most likely fed earlier then we would eat once they’d gone down for a nap.

EndOfMyTether11 · 24/12/2023 16:58

Just put her on your knee! Sod them.

Parker231 · 24/12/2023 17:01

If there isn’t enough room around the table, sit her on your and DH’s knee - you can keep swapping so that you can both eat your meal whilst it’s hot. Not a big issue.

unvillage · 24/12/2023 17:01

If she's not included, surely neither are you? You'll have to sit with her and feed her? Very unfair.

2jacqi · 24/12/2023 17:02

@10littlemonkeys thats a bloody shame!! christmas is for kids not the adults!! I have always managed to have a high chair at the dining table. just had to squeeze the adults a bit more!! pretty sure your local carry out will be open on christmas day. chinese or indian food. way to go if your child is not welcome at the grandparents. as for getting her knickers in a twist because someone broke a glass??? she needs to calm herslf down and realise that no one breaks things deliberately!!

Thesearmsofmine · 24/12/2023 17:05

Yeah I would have her on my knee, where else is she going to be when you are all eating? We always included ours at Christmas, it’s lovely even when they are too little to understand Christmas.

Crumpleton · 24/12/2023 17:07

There isn’t a chance in hell that a toddler would be excluded from a big social meal like Christmas in my family.

Exactly this...

I've recently bought a highchair to keep at our house as my GC has just started using one. Wouldn't dream of not having them included in family occasions.

oakleaffy · 24/12/2023 17:08

Chemenger · 24/12/2023 16:45

Can you just have her on your knee and share bits of your lunch?

This!
Heck, if it's that much of a formal dinner I'd not want to go.
SURELY your child won't be eating in another room?
That's patently nuts. 🥜

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 24/12/2023 17:08

Take the highchair, and perhaps a towel or a plastic cloth to put under it to stop any mess if you think that's the real reason.

But, if you think the aim is to repeat last year where you were excluded and everyone else ate without you, and they try to enforce that again this year then I'd agree with your DH beforehand that it's his turn to sit with DD this year.

You may find that that miraculously creates space at the table. If it does, then I'd get Xmas out the way and then consider what that means to me and how I want to behave towards them in future.

DidiAskYouThough · 24/12/2023 17:09

An in-law cried at someone breaking a glass? 🥴
Why go there every year. Next year choose to let your kid enjoy the day at home. The people have been very clear she’s not wanted.

ChristmasCracker23 · 24/12/2023 17:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

oakleaffy · 24/12/2023 17:10

Soontobe60 · 24/12/2023 16:58

When we’re all together for any meal, the kids tend to sit at a different table all together - they love it!
At 16 months, they would have been in high chairs and most likely fed earlier then we would eat once they’d gone down for a nap.

Child's table is completely different..as it's usually alongside the ''groaning ups'' {as we called grown ups as kids} table..
But this little toddler is so say to be on their own in another room with a parent?

Surely not!.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 24/12/2023 17:11

At 16m she doesn't understand the magic.

I think this is a bit shitty - not because you can't put her on your knee, but because of the attitude of "she doesn't fit, feed her separately". Are they saying feed her at a different time, in which case where would she be while you all eat? Or are they saying feed her in a different location, therefore kicking you off the table as well? Neither of those are very nice options they're presenting.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 24/12/2023 17:12

Where do they expect her to go?! Ridiculous-let her eat!

Original poster
10littlemonkeys · 24/12/2023 17:12

Yes as many suggested, I suggested taking a high chair or sitting on lap but was told 'it's already too much of a tight squeeze' hence why I suspect it's more that they don't want her eating at the table but rather in the kitchen where mess can be cleared up easily....

OP posts:
Dahlietta · 24/12/2023 17:12

An in-law cried at someone breaking a glass?
I think someone broke a glass and the in-law was such a dick about it that the person who broke it cried?
To all those saying, “Take a highchair”, surely it’s the high chair that they’re saying there isn’t room for? They’re not expecting a 1 year old to sit on their own dining chair!

Dahlietta · 24/12/2023 17:13

Sorry, cross-post!

RandomMess · 24/12/2023 17:13

Take the highchair and a mat for the floor and just do the "oh it will be fine" if she goes on and on suggest MIL sits on the kitchen with her?

oakleaffy · 24/12/2023 17:15

Divebar2021 · 24/12/2023 16:56

There isn’t a chance in hell that a toddler would be excluded from a big social meal like Christmas in my family. How are children supposed to learn how to behave if they’re excluded from these kinds of occasions? It sounds like they’re being very precious about the “ ambience” or maybe the carpet.

Possibly the carpet.
At a YK2 party , a little girl did a spectacular Pink Sick on a white berber wool carpet.
At least the hosts didn't make a fuss.

Viviennemary · 24/12/2023 17:15

I think it's fair enough. Babies are quite often a nuisance at mealtimes. Up to the hosts who sits round the dinner table. If you dont like it then refuse the invitation.

crumblingschools · 24/12/2023 17:16

I would take highchair and a mat, if no room for high chair then can sit on a lap, preferably DH’s so he can stand up to MIL. Put mat under the chair if have a precious carpet/rug and possibly towel to cover chair

Luxell934 · 24/12/2023 17:17

But surely if there’s 20 odd people around one table they can’t magic up space when theres no space? I doubt they are doing it on purpose. Surely she just sits near you in her high chair.

TeenLifeMum · 24/12/2023 17:17

I’d reply “oh it’s fine, we’ll figure it out and squeeze her in. Can’t leave her out - that would be a bit shit lol” breezily ignoring and comments.

EmptyYoghurtPot · 24/12/2023 17:17

What is she meant to do whilst you are all eating - sit quietly in another room and entertain herself? What does her dad say about all this (guessing it’s his mother who has said she’s not welcome to join the table?)

Holly60 · 24/12/2023 17:18

Viviennemary · 24/12/2023 17:15

I think it's fair enough. Babies are quite often a nuisance at mealtimes. Up to the hosts who sits round the dinner table. If you dont like it then refuse the invitation.

If someone tried to describe any one of my gorgeous grandchildren as 'a nuisance' they'd get an earful!

Babies are messy but they still belong at the family table with everyone else.