To be annoyed that toddler not included in christmas meal

[10littlemonkeys]

We are going to my inlaws for Christmas dinner. It is a large family dinner (about 20people). Our DD is 16months old and it is the first Christmas where she understands a little bit of the magic.
I have just found out that there is 'not enough space at the table' for her and that we will have to feed her christmas lunch seperatly to everyone else.
She eats really well and now feeds herself for the most part so I was really looking forward to us all sitting together to enjoy Christmas lunch as last year she was so little I missed it as she was fussy and u settled so had mine microwaved after everyone else.
I know Christmas is different with a baby and usually a bit chaotic, but I also highly expect that it is my inlaw being fussy and more concerned about the mess she might cause whilst eating (a few years ago at christmas she made an adult relative cry for breaking a glass....). There will be other children there a bit older 4/5yo who will be seated at the table.
It is now christmas eve we are finding this out and we don't have any option really to pull out and go elsewhere or stay at home. I'm really not looking forward to the eating part now as most of it will now be one of us feeding DD in another room and having a cold christmas dinner or dinner on own, or running around chasing her whilst everyone eats if she eats before us.
YABU- Christmas with a child is chaotic and you just go with the flow
YANBU- Host should be more accommodating for us and DD

This.
She doesn't need her own place setting at the table.

My grandparents used to serve massive Xmas dinners (typically 12+ adults and a 10-15 kids). Adults sat in the dining room, kids had a table in the lounge.

Kids meals were served first and the adults would play tag-team supervising the table if there weren't older teens around. Babies/toddlers tended to be carried about or shoved in a playpen so they didn't pull tablecloths/knock over glasses.

In your position I think I'd stay at home with a boxset with an invented cold.

we have a grandaughter the same age coming there will be a chair for her and it will be up to her parents (my son) if she sits in the chair or on their lap no way would i exclude her

I wonder if you can play on the mess paranoia and say "oh that won't work because she will trash the place if left unsupervised while everyone else eats, let's just squeeze her in so we can make sure she doesn't make a mess"

This is so bizarre. What do they expect you to do with a 16-month-old while you're eating dinner?
Personally - if there really is no room for a high chair (and maybe there isn't) I'd just have her on my knee, or she could sit on your partner's knee. She's far too little to understand that she doesn't have a proper place setting.
However if the child's own grandparents are not even allowing this then I'd not go. Worth clarifying before deciding though.

They sound horrendous. I’d be tempted to say that I’d sit in the kitchen with my DD and have my lunch with her to really hammer the point home.

I'd just respond with a ''Oh, don't worry. We'll manage with her on our laps''.

Take her high chair , that’s what I do when space is limited

One year - although she was about 8mths old not a toddler - my youngest ended up in a bumbo on the table because it was such a tight squeeze at a relatives house. She loved it and got fed her dinner by her grandparents with everyone else. It is always possible to find a way to include everyone.

Growing up all us grandkids ended up on one table in one room while the adults were on another table in the other room. We all had fun but none of us were really little at the point i can remember. Maybe 5 and up. Some of my best childhood xmas memories are putting spoons on our noses waiting for pudding!

Sorry just saw your update . My reply would be , she is ill either seat with us or we won’t go .

Make sure it's your DH who has to either:

A) sit in the kitchen and feed his child while the rest of you eat at the table, or
B) insists that your child sits on his lap during dinner.

This is his family, he needs to handle their peculiarities, don't let them banish you both like unwanted interlopers.

Literally no-one can stop you sitting with your child on your lap and feeding them so do that.

Whether or not you are BU (and I can see arguments on both sides), I think if it is going to weigh on your mind then you will have a miserable time, even if they do accept you have your dc on your lap in the end. It might be time to invent a sudden vomiting bug and not go at all.

Your husband should be handling this as it's his family. If my parents told me on Xmas Eve that the baby and therefore me or DH as well was not allowed to be at the meal but had to sit in a different room alone, I wouldn't go. I'm sure you've enough food to survive til the shops open and the toddler won't know if you have Xmas dinner a couple of days late, have a lovely meal when the shops reopen.

@Z1hun

its not just the exclusion of the 16 month old though is it! It’s also exclusion of one of the parents. It’s not like you can say to a 16 month old here you go play with this in this room while at I go and eat my dinner

@10littlemonkeys I would either set up a high chair between you both or sit with her on your knee. And I wouldn’t go next year. They are very rude

I wouldn’t go.

I hope you’re not as miserable and judgemental around your DGCs.
I can’t imagine excluding babies or children from family meals, certainly it wouldn’t happen in our family. We did have a separate table for them once they were big enough, they loved having their own space.

I wouldn't go if my toddler was going to be treated like a second class citizen. Sounds like they don't want to hear squealing and risking their precious tableware being broken.

Can you start ringing round local restaurants and see if they've had any last minute cancellations?

I wouldn't go and you would be putting them first if you do. Screw them op. How awful to leave your child out. What does your dh say??

I have a dgd the same age and wouldn’t dream of doing this. She will be in her high chair and the centre of attention. People forget Christmas is all about family and children are the best bit of Christmas. It’s lovely to have a toddler around at this time of year.

Haven't read the full thread so someone may have already suggested this but I would take her highchair, feed her first, then when you all sit down, put her in her highchair at the table next to you with some finger foods or toys to play with.

I think that the poster who said that, if you say that your dh will stay in the kitchen to feed your dd, his family will magically find space for her at the table!

I have an 18-month-old granddaughter, and if she were coming here for Christmas, nothing would stop her being at the dinner table with the rest of the family! I have carpets and nice crockery and glassware, but my grandchild is far, far more important - and so is her mum, my lovely DIL. I couldn’t imagine doing something to make her feel she wasn’t as important or valued a member of the family as everyone else.

If a table is big enough for 20 chairs it can squeeze a highchair in it.

Does mil think she is Camilla and the dc eat elsewhere?

It makes no sense: if you or OH need to sit in the other room with your toddler surely there'll be an empty seat at the table?

Better all round to share toddler on yours and OH's knee, 5 mins each throughout the meal so you can both eat, chat, entertain your little one.

Your In laws are being ridiculous.