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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that toddler not included in christmas meal

252 replies

10littlemonkeys · 24/12/2023 16:44

We are going to my inlaws for Christmas dinner. It is a large family dinner (about 20people). Our DD is 16months old and it is the first Christmas where she understands a little bit of the magic.
I have just found out that there is 'not enough space at the table' for her and that we will have to feed her christmas lunch seperatly to everyone else.
She eats really well and now feeds herself for the most part so I was really looking forward to us all sitting together to enjoy Christmas lunch as last year she was so little I missed it as she was fussy and u settled so had mine microwaved after everyone else.
I know Christmas is different with a baby and usually a bit chaotic, but I also highly expect that it is my inlaw being fussy and more concerned about the mess she might cause whilst eating (a few years ago at christmas she made an adult relative cry for breaking a glass....). There will be other children there a bit older 4/5yo who will be seated at the table.
It is now christmas eve we are finding this out and we don't have any option really to pull out and go elsewhere or stay at home. I'm really not looking forward to the eating part now as most of it will now be one of us feeding DD in another room and having a cold christmas dinner or dinner on own, or running around chasing her whilst everyone eats if she eats before us.
YABU- Christmas with a child is chaotic and you just go with the flow
YANBU- Host should be more accommodating for us and DD

OP posts:
spriots · 24/12/2023 17:19

TeenLifeMum · 24/12/2023 17:17

I’d reply “oh it’s fine, we’ll figure it out and squeeze her in. Can’t leave her out - that would be a bit shit lol” breezily ignoring and comments.

This is exactly how I would play it

Crumpleton · 24/12/2023 17:19

Why isn't it an option to stay at home?

I just wouldn't go, as your MIL well knows, You, DH and DD are a family and she's excluding you without having the balls to actually tell you to your face.

If my choice was a nice Christmas dinner but sat in a room with just myself and DD or eat beans on toast sat at a table in my own home I know which I'd choose.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 24/12/2023 17:19

Viviennemary · 24/12/2023 17:15

I think it's fair enough. Babies are quite often a nuisance at mealtimes. Up to the hosts who sits round the dinner table. If you dont like it then refuse the invitation.

Fine, but telling them on the afternoon of Christmas Eve doesn't give them the opportunity to turn it down if they don't like it

Midnightgrey · 24/12/2023 17:19

I hate messy whining toddlers personally and I suspect give the scenario that yours might be particularly annoying given the broken glass incident. I don't think they want your child at the table and they certainly don't want you feeding her on your lap either.

Myhusbandearns150k · 24/12/2023 17:21

They are mean. Floors are for cleaning, who cares if there’s a little mess.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 24/12/2023 17:21

Midnightgrey · 24/12/2023 17:19

I hate messy whining toddlers personally and I suspect give the scenario that yours might be particularly annoying given the broken glass incident. I don't think they want your child at the table and they certainly don't want you feeding her on your lap either.

The child didn't break the glass. OP said it was a few years ago. An adult relative broke the glass, and this host made them cry with their (presumably harsh) reaction.

If you hate whiny toddlers, don't invite them round for Christmas dinner, only to tell their parents the day before that actually they aren't really invited to the meal itself.

TeenLifeMum · 24/12/2023 17:22

@Midnightgrey well maybe they shouldn’t have invited them to start with if they feel like you? It’s their grand child ffs.

BettyBakesCakes · 24/12/2023 17:23

I think that's awful. It's been a long time since I had a 16mo but I wouldn't want to be eating my dinner with one sat on my knee. Make it dh's problem. I suspect the inlaws might make sure lo is seated next year when they realise dh is the one left out!

Mygosh · 24/12/2023 17:23

Midnightgrey bah hum bug

I wouldn't want any member of the family excluded.

Personally I'd stay home and order a take away.

Nanny0gg · 24/12/2023 17:23

Viviennemary · 24/12/2023 17:15

I think it's fair enough. Babies are quite often a nuisance at mealtimes. Up to the hosts who sits round the dinner table. If you dont like it then refuse the invitation.

Bit late now!

EmptyYoghurtPot · 24/12/2023 17:24

BettyBakesCakes · 24/12/2023 17:23

I think that's awful. It's been a long time since I had a 16mo but I wouldn't want to be eating my dinner with one sat on my knee. Make it dh's problem. I suspect the inlaws might make sure lo is seated next year when they realise dh is the one left out!

Yes - I think DH needs to step up here.

TheKnittedCharacter · 24/12/2023 17:24

I would hope fervently that I could coincide their nap with the mealtime, but otherwise, toddlers would be welcome at the table.

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 24/12/2023 17:24

That's such a shame

My parents and in-laws were so excited for little ones to join in Xmas dinner - they'd boot an adult out before a child.

Nanny0gg · 24/12/2023 17:25

Midnightgrey · 24/12/2023 17:19

I hate messy whining toddlers personally and I suspect give the scenario that yours might be particularly annoying given the broken glass incident. I don't think they want your child at the table and they certainly don't want you feeding her on your lap either.

Are you a parent? Or a grandparent?

Christmas is supposed to be for the whole family if they're invited. You don't chuck a couple of them in the other room

sprigatito · 24/12/2023 17:27

My MIL tried that when ds1 was two. We just plonked the high chair down in between us and fed him bits of our food. MIL didn't like it, but there was no way we were having him miss out on Christmas dinner.

I think with difficult relatives (which could be us or MIL depending on perspective!) you have to decide which things to let go and which things absolutely aren't negotiable. We put up with the "salmon for the ladies, steak for the men" and the ban on wine with dinner, but excluding ds1 wasn't going to happen. After 25 years of marriage we have reached a fairly stable entente with MIL and usually manage not to push each other's buttons.

frippit · 24/12/2023 17:28

Last Christmas my 15 month old granddaughter sat on my knee and really enjoyed her Christmas meal. My daughter was really pleased to see her joining us at the table, and although she had her own smaller plate she loved to share mine.
I couldn't ever imagine expecting her to eat separately.
I think your best bet is to go along and fit in with the proceedings as best you can. You'll know for next time can plan your Christmas accordingly.

LE987 · 24/12/2023 17:29

LOL. If my in laws tried to do this I’d not go there for Christmas dinner ever again and they wouldn’t be having a relationship with my child. Nobody should be treat like that no matter their age especially not by their grandparents.

ThisIsntThe80sPat · 24/12/2023 17:32

Your in-laws are being a bit odd. My eleven month old will be in a high chair at the table...

Stringagal · 24/12/2023 17:33

A bright and breezy “she’ll be eating at the table even if it’s on her dads knee, otherwise we will all eat in the other room, or not come… up to you”

Cosyblankets · 24/12/2023 17:34

10littlemonkeys · 24/12/2023 17:12

Yes as many suggested, I suggested taking a high chair or sitting on lap but was told 'it's already too much of a tight squeeze' hence why I suspect it's more that they don't want her eating at the table but rather in the kitchen where mess can be cleared up easily....

What do they suggest you do with her?

Imamastermind · 24/12/2023 17:35

Do you feel you can't stand up to them?
My response would be:
Don't be daft PILs, it's xmas day dinner, of course our child needs to sit at the table with us. We'll bring our high chair and I'll sit with her on the corner. See you tomorrow

cruisebaba1 · 24/12/2023 17:36

Midnightgrey · 24/12/2023 17:19

I hate messy whining toddlers personally and I suspect give the scenario that yours might be particularly annoying given the broken glass incident. I don't think they want your child at the table and they certainly don't want you feeding her on your lap either.

Well aren’t you a ray of sunshine, ffs🙄

NotARealWookiie · 24/12/2023 17:36

To be honest, I’d be inclined to say “oh sorry, we thought when you invited us, you had space for us but that’s no longer possible we’ll stay home and see you another day”…the risk is you’ll need to conjure up some food for Xmas day.

wishIwasonholiday10 · 24/12/2023 17:37

Viviennemary · 24/12/2023 17:15

I think it's fair enough. Babies are quite often a nuisance at mealtimes. Up to the hosts who sits round the dinner table. If you dont like it then refuse the invitation.

What else are they expected to do with the baby unless they happen to be napping? You can’t invite someone with a baby or toddler and then expect one of the parents to sit out the meal as well. I would insist on bringing a high chair or not go. I don’t think your child is old enough to understand the magic of Xmas but it’s not practical to exclude them either - they can’t just play by themselves and are not old enough to eat with other children. I also wouldn’t want to be eating Xmas dinner with my 17 month old on my lap as she is quite messy and has a habit of knocking stuff off the table - she is much better off in her high chair out of arms reach of the table. We still use Bibado coveralls so there usually isn’t too much on the floor.

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 24/12/2023 17:37

Just take her high chair and shove up a bit