To think this is madness and not safe?!

[chocolateaupain]

17 year old DD is saying she is going out this evening to meet an 18 year old lad who she's never met before and knows nothing about. We live in the middle of nowhere- apparently he's "getting dropped off" near our house and she's "going for a walk" with him. She's chatted to him over FaceTime and text and they have mutual friends apparently but essentially she knows nothing about him. She plans to just walk around in the dark and cold in a rural area with him (lots of unlit areas). I've told her this is madness and to meet him somewhere lit and safe like a pub / cafe / restaurant for a proper date. She won't listen.

Am I overreacting?!

I know you don’t want him in your house, but if it’s either that or let your daughter out with him unsupervised, isn’t it the lesser of two evils? You could plan for it so it’s safe. Tell your sister to be available and have a signal if anything (absolute worst case scenario) were to go wrong. Maybe one ring on her mobile will mean you need help and she needs to come over right away/call the police etc. I’m being extremely dramatic but planning it so it’s safe will mean you can invite him round and supervise your daughter.

@Janiie

I'm not angry as such, I am panicked, stressed and overwhelmed. Parenting teens is hard, Christmas is hard, parenting toddlers is hard. Partner has been away all week while I manage work, home life, born kids and run up to Christmas alone. Then she springs this on me just as I sat down to relax and enjoy Christmas Eve with my kids.

Absolutely this. At her age it will be hard to stop but this will be a good alternative.i swear I'd be having a heart attack. If she refuses to see reason follow her

My sister doesn't even have kids and she gets it. I've just text her to thank her and this was her reply (from a woman who doesn't even have kids too!)

I feel for you.
I grew up in the middle of nowhere; trying to do anything without a parent "interfering" was a nightmare. As a result I did things as an older teen that I now cringe at because of the danger I put myself in. Couple that desire to be independent in an environment that doesn't really allow it with the general feeling of invincibility that most teenagers have and it's asking for trouble.
Now that this particular episode is resolved, it's time for you and/or your sister (as it seems like she's a sensible adult whom she trusts) to have a really serious chat about personal safety and why - sadly - women cannot just head out and meet men they don't know very well in the middle of nowhere. No one wants to the that 1pc (or whatever) who doesn't come home again.
Organisations like the Suzy Lamplugh Trust have resources you could draw on. It's also worth reiterating that you're not being nosey or trying to control her in anyway - she can meet whoever she likes - but for her own sake she needs to do so in a safe way and that means in well-lit, public, areas and with someone responsible knowing where she is and when she'll be back by. You know all this. I suspect she does too. But it's just a case of driving it home in a way that gets through to a teenage brain. Good luck!

YANBU at all OP and there are some real t*s out tonight.

Never go anywhere alone with someone you do not know. It's like dating rule No.1

You are a good mother and ignore those on this thread trying to bring you down. You 100% did the right thing.

I think if you have a teenager you understand that friend of friend, can and probably is an instagram/Facebook friend. It's not he same as john's mate, who I've know for 15 years. (back in my day)

My daughter was having conversations with random boys, who would suggest meeting in the big town, when she said mum wouldn't agree. he would say "just hide your phone somewhere and lie"

It's a scary world for teenagers and they do need extensive education on men 😢

Thank you. I really, REALLY needed to read that x

When my DC tried this stuff, I showed them the documentary about Breck Bednar. It is absolutely heartbreaking, especially since his mother tried everything in her power to stop him from meeting up with this other teenager.

Has she Zoom/Facetimed etc with him - does she know what he actually looks like? If not, what will she do if a middle aged man turns up, saying he is the father and will drive her to meet the boy? How would she keep herself safe in that circumstance?

I would say to her that he's probably fine but it just isn't worth the risk and if she's not adult enough to realise this then she's not adult enough to go unaccompanied, and you will be shadowing them by torchlight. Or she can invite him back to your home, and you will provide a glass of wine and some snacks and keep out of their way.

OP Im glad she’s seen sense but i don’t think you should keep saying that people without kids themselves might not get it. There’s many reasons why people on here might not have children and we can be kind and considerate too you know

I literally just said my sister has no kids (by choice I might add), and that even she gets it! Which is the opposite of what you're accusing me of saying?

My point is the fact she doesn’t have kids is irrelevant

Also, while we are on "kind and considerate" - you might want to give the comments by @anxiousnanna, @SleepingBeautySnores and @ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy on this thread a read.

I don't think they got the kind and considerate memo.

No, I'm pretty chill about this sort of thing and oldest DC has met up with 'friends from the internet' but not in that way, and although it's overwhelmingly likely he's absolutely fine, I still wouldn't want a daughter of mine meeting in anyone like that not in a public place.

It's not when she herself mentions it in the text message she sent, of which I shared a screenshot? She literally told me she said to my daughter "you'll understand when you have kids of her own". My point being, even she can see the stress and anxiety I'm likely under because of this, even if she's not a mother herself. I'm not sure how or why that's offensive?

You see, I take a different view. At 18 I was in my second year at university and had both a car and a motorbike, and my parents, although I lived with them, would not have had a clue what I was up to on any given evening. I wouldn't have told them if I was meeting a guy (which I often was, or going to bars), so my mother would never have had a chance to have this dilemma. I am not saying was wise, I wasn't, but I don't see how you can stop her. Next time she will just tell you she is meeting friends, and you won't be any the wiser. You are just encouraging her to conceal what she is doing.

Let me guess, oldest is from a different relationship and you, DH and youngest are a lovely happy family that she has to tag along with and she's bottom of every priority list for everything ever?

This was my first thought too. Also, does the 17 year old have such a close relationship with her Auntie because her Mum is now so focused on her nice, new little family? I think I would feel I had failed as a Mum if I had to rely on other adults to 'talk sense' into my own DD.

I think she was suggesting that a specific person was a bit ignorant because they didn't have kids and possibly weren't close to any teenagers. I don't have kids but I get the stress of this. If this was a 17 year old that I know and am close to I would be anxious as hell. I am pleased that she is getting a taxi and I think that men should be educated about making sure that women they take on dates feel and are safe.

Op, the fact that your daughter was so adamant about not listening to you means that she has some emotional investment (in the way that teenagers do because they have such vivid fantasy lives) so I think that you were absolutely right to be concerned. He might turn out to be a wonderful upstanding young man, but so what? Your priority right now is to make sure that your daughter learns to keep herself safe when meeting young men she doesn't know. Well done for sticking to your guns.

All of you saying it's fine need to look up the story of Natalie Jarvis.

Oh good another rando on the internet has popped along to call me a shit mother. It's been about 15 minutes since that happened so I'm so glad you popped along.

Thanks. 👍🏻

No way.

They can meet during the day in a public place.

The very best scenario is that he is decent and is who he says he is. But what if he isn’t.

Such a shitty mother that I had an actual panic attack at the thought of my daughter putting herself in potential danger with a random man on Christmas Eve. Almost vomited my tea up with the stress of it. Made a mumsnet thread to see whether I was being crazily overprotective.

Yep, I see your point.

What a monumentally SHIT mother I am. Loud and clears

OP don’t respond to the people winding you up. You did the right thing and imso glad it’s sorted