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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving family Christmas and taking my children home

394 replies

GinLou · 24/12/2023 02:51

Between my partner and I we have 8 kids, we were never together when they were little so although it's a lot it doesn't always feel like it. We've been together 5 years, his wife passed and my children's dad isn't involved.
Christmas for the last 2 years was all the kids (or those who wanted to come home) at ours for a low key day centred around food and PJs, this is how it's always been. This year his parents are selling their house, it's the house he grew up in and they invited everyone over. It's a large 7 bed but a lot of the adult children have got hotels, but are here from breakfast to gone midnight. There's 26 people all in.
This Christmas is very different to ours, a lot of drinking, TikTok dancing, games, chatter you name it. It's never quiet and definitely not chill. There's also no way to avoid it, there are 3 rooms available in the day the sitting room, the snug and the conservatory. The youngest group 13-18/19 seem to all be pushed into the snug, the adult children 19-26ish in the conservatory/dining room and the adults (partners parents, siblings and the such) in the sitting room. Obviously there's lots of mixing too but this has been the default most of the 2 days so far. It's overwhelming and I'm an adult!!

Tonight 2 of my 3 children came to me (13 and 15) and expressed they aren't having fun they want to go home. DD was crying saying it's too much and she's tired, we are due to be here until the 27th.
I think the issue is they don't know these people, the in jokes, the history etc. lots of mention of partners late wife which makes me uncomfortable and DD said it makes her feel weird.

I called my own mum and told her everything and she suggested we just come home and go there, it will just be them, my sister, her son but they have enough to feed 12 my mum thinks.

I'm so tempted!! I hate all this loud noisy fun, all the games are tedious, TikTok dances make me cringe and I don't feel included.

I haven't spoken to my partner yet, but I'm thinking of suggesting my kids and I leave tomorrow and have a quiet Christmas with my family then we can celebrate together on the 28th when we are all home.
DS is 17 and seems to be having a nice time so I'd ask him if he wants to stay but I know my girls want to go home.

AIBU to be considering this?

OP posts:
brawnthesheep · 24/12/2023 09:13

This is pretty typical of many tricky situations I read about on mumsnet where a simple conversation could iron out any issues, but no-one seems prepared to address it.

It’s bizarre, how is it a good message to avoid a conversation but be meek & run away.

HoppingPavlova · 24/12/2023 09:14

because they had to stay at a Christmas once they didn't enjoy that much? OK then

Anyone else thinks this is not really about the OP’s daughters, but this is a bit of a front for an easy ‘out’ given the OP seems to detest mention of the deceased wife, who I would think is the mother of the DH’s children? They are not playing along and pretending she didn’t exist so OP is throwing the toys out of the pram somewhat, and her DD’s are being used as a cover? Otherwise, it’s all pretty simple - her DD’s can use her assigned bedroom to chill out in when they want/need, parents can swap for the snug (not sure if feasible), you simply take control come midnight and turn the music off and thank everyone for being understanding, you take the girls out for a drive/walk/cafe to get away for a bit. Lots of things you could do to solve the situation somewhat for a few more days, albeit sucking it up in the main but this seems to be of little interest. I suspect that it’s because none of this will solve the real problem, OP can’t make DH’s kids pretend their mum didn’t exist.

SoreAndTired1 · 24/12/2023 09:14

Boating123 · 24/12/2023 09:12

I really don't think she would destroy the relationship she has with her daughters if she stays until after Christmas lunch.

Next year she can decline the invite (if it happens again).

Show quote history

There have been posters on here who said their mothers put them in uncomfortable/miserable situations to prioritise their partner. They have never forgotten it.

So yes, it will.

Mothers should prioritise children, not their screw partner.

RadRad · 24/12/2023 09:16

I have a large extended family, they are loud and intense but we all get on, so when we get together it's tiring but great fun. It sounds like you don't get on with the other side and you are unwilling to compromise for just one year - is this fair on your partner and his kids? You can go to your mums by all means but it may cause a rift in your family, also the talk about you and your DD feeling uncomfortable when your stepkids' mum is being mentioned- why?

margotrose · 24/12/2023 09:16

Or destroy her relationships and trust with her CHILDREN. They will never forget or forgive this, that she put her and her partners/il's happiness above theirs.

But she hasn't even tried to find a solution before going in all guns blazing and deciding to just fuck the whole thing off.

The kids could sleep in her room - it would give them some space and the chance to have a lie-in and/or an early night. She could take them out for a walk, or to lunch today on her own for some fresh air.

I also wonder if she asked her kids' opinions before agreeing to the invite in the first place?

RampantIvy · 24/12/2023 09:17

I also wonder if she asked her kids' opinions before agreeing to the invite in the first place?

Good point.

margotrose · 24/12/2023 09:17

Mothers should prioritise children, not their screw partner.

Surely the time to show your children they're the priority was when the invite went out, not after two days of misery?

lanthanum · 24/12/2023 09:18

I think it would cause offence to duck out before late Christmas day at this stage, unless you fabricate an excuse (mum struck down with something and needs you to go and take over the cooking, perhaps?).

You might realise you've still the odd present to buy so you and your daughters need to go into town today (and find a nice cafe to chill in). If there are no cafes open, church buildings may well be open between services, and I promise you that nobody would mind "we just needed somewhere to come and be quiet" as a reason for you being there. Tomorrow you definitely need a long walk, don't you? Fingers crossed for the weather.

SoreAndTired1 · 24/12/2023 09:18

The amount of women, supposedly 'mothers' on here who care more about not being 'rude' to strangers she barely knows and prioritising a bit bit of penis over their own children's happiness is very disturbing.

Children's happiness, especially at Christmas, comes FIRST. No ifs, ands or buts. Stuff the adults, especially a penis and strangers. For FS! Put your CHILDREN'S NEEDS AND WANTS FIRST!

Mouse82 · 24/12/2023 09:18

SoreAndTired1 · 24/12/2023 09:14

There have been posters on here who said their mothers put them in uncomfortable/miserable situations to prioritise their partner. They have never forgotten it.

So yes, it will.

Mothers should prioritise children, not their screw partner.

Show quote history

You put it better than I did.
We're only hearing about it once, who knows what will happen down the track.

Thecatmaster · 24/12/2023 09:18

I don't think that it's fair to your partner or his family and children for you to leave. Leave on boxing day, but I think that it would be extremely rude to leave before then. Why can't your kids retreat to your room during the day? Or you could hire a hotel room for a night to break things up a bit?

SoreAndTired1 · 24/12/2023 09:19

RadRad · 24/12/2023 09:16

I have a large extended family, they are loud and intense but we all get on, so when we get together it's tiring but great fun. It sounds like you don't get on with the other side and you are unwilling to compromise for just one year - is this fair on your partner and his kids? You can go to your mums by all means but it may cause a rift in your family, also the talk about you and your DD feeling uncomfortable when your stepkids' mum is being mentioned- why?

Her partner of a few years and his family (who are strangers to her) are not her family. It won't cause a rift in her family as their not her family.

brawnthesheep · 24/12/2023 09:19

*Or destroy her relationships and trust with her CHILDREN. They will never forget or forgive this, that she put her and her partners/il's happiness above theirs.

🙄

Josette77 · 24/12/2023 09:20

Another one wondering why a simple conversation can't be had about sleep?

I also suspect this is more about the deceased wife, than anything else.

brawnthesheep · 24/12/2023 09:21

Her partner of a few years and his family (who are strangers to her) are not her family. It won't cause a rift in her family as their not her family.

I thought the OP said blended family?

margotrose · 24/12/2023 09:23

SoreAndTired1 · 24/12/2023 09:18

The amount of women, supposedly 'mothers' on here who care more about not being 'rude' to strangers she barely knows and prioritising a bit bit of penis over their own children's happiness is very disturbing.

Children's happiness, especially at Christmas, comes FIRST. No ifs, ands or buts. Stuff the adults, especially a penis and strangers. For FS! Put your CHILDREN'S NEEDS AND WANTS FIRST!

Then why didn't she prioritise her kids when the invite went out? 🙄

RadRad · 24/12/2023 09:23

@SoreAndTired1 so help me understand- what's the acceptable number of years you have to be with someone to consider their feelings?? They've been together for 5 years, if she didn't know his family, why agree to go in the first place?

SoreAndTired1 · 24/12/2023 09:24

margotrose · 24/12/2023 09:23

Then why didn't she prioritise her kids when the invite went out? 🙄

Show quote history

She clearly didn't know how the situation would be, did she? Do you think she had a crystal ball?!??? 🙄

GrouchyKiwi · 24/12/2023 09:24

I come from a huge family so know what this is like. I think you need to be relatively open with your DP's parents and tell them that your girls are struggling with the number of people around, are not having fun, and would like to go home. See if there are changes that could be made so your girls are happier and thought about by the people around them, and if that can't be done then take them home.

Surely a frank conversation is what is needed here, and if people get offended then that's on them? It's horrible to be stuck with so many people, without enough sleep and no quiet space to escape to. Most people would struggle with that.

margotrose · 24/12/2023 09:24

Is everyone's response in real life just to fuck things off rather than try and come to a compromise for your loved ones?

Or are you just saying that to a stranger on the internet because you're not the one who'll have to deal with the consequences?

Thecatmaster · 24/12/2023 09:24

As for not putting your kids wants and desires first, I believe that that is a short term route to happiness. Teaching children to be adaptable, to make the most of things and to consider other people's feelings as well as their own is what brings greater happiness in the long run. I have so many friends who place their children at the centre of the universe, always putting them first. Those children do not appear to be happier or particularly resilient. So it's not about worrying about appearing rude as much as teaching long term life strategies that ensure greater long term happiness. These aren't young children either. They are teenagers and this is one Christmas out of many.

Lordofmyflies · 24/12/2023 09:25

I'd stay. I think it would be rude to leave early and the catering has been done. I'd take your girls out after breakfast for a walk and pub lunch and pop into the shop and buy some pamper stuff and ear plugs. When you get back to the house, after dinner you can switch rooms with your daughters, nice bath, ear plugs in and they can have an early night. You and partner are in the snug. If they still can't sleep, I go home on Boxing Day.

brawnthesheep · 24/12/2023 09:25

Is everyone's response in real life just to fuck things off rather than try and come to a compromise for your loved ones?

i expect the people who advocate the above are rather lonely

fedupwithbeinghot · 24/12/2023 09:25

Poor girls. They are exhausted because the sleeping arrangements are shit for them. Give them your room and you either take the snug (since you accepted this crazy idea) or go to a hotel

frazzled22 · 24/12/2023 09:26

Would be rude to leave now I think and would be awkward for your partner and may cause problems between the two of you.
I'd say your girls are feeling a bit under the weather today so are going to have a quiet day in your room. You can check in on them often, take food etc so you can also escape to upstairs regularly.
Knowing his parents are selling their house this will be a one off so will mean a lot to his parents to have all the family together.
Or are you far from home? Could you remember a forgotten gift you need to pop back for and take your time? Have a day out with your children doing last minute shopping or something?