Leaving family Christmas and taking my children home

[GinLou]

Between my partner and I we have 8 kids, we were never together when they were little so although it's a lot it doesn't always feel like it. We've been together 5 years, his wife passed and my children's dad isn't involved.
Christmas for the last 2 years was all the kids (or those who wanted to come home) at ours for a low key day centred around food and PJs, this is how it's always been. This year his parents are selling their house, it's the house he grew up in and they invited everyone over. It's a large 7 bed but a lot of the adult children have got hotels, but are here from breakfast to gone midnight. There's 26 people all in.
This Christmas is very different to ours, a lot of drinking, TikTok dancing, games, chatter you name it. It's never quiet and definitely not chill. There's also no way to avoid it, there are 3 rooms available in the day the sitting room, the snug and the conservatory. The youngest group 13-18/19 seem to all be pushed into the snug, the adult children 19-26ish in the conservatory/dining room and the adults (partners parents, siblings and the such) in the sitting room. Obviously there's lots of mixing too but this has been the default most of the 2 days so far. It's overwhelming and I'm an adult!!

Tonight 2 of my 3 children came to me (13 and 15) and expressed they aren't having fun they want to go home. DD was crying saying it's too much and she's tired, we are due to be here until the 27th.
I think the issue is they don't know these people, the in jokes, the history etc. lots of mention of partners late wife which makes me uncomfortable and DD said it makes her feel weird.

I called my own mum and told her everything and she suggested we just come home and go there, it will just be them, my sister, her son but they have enough to feed 12 my mum thinks.

I'm so tempted!! I hate all this loud noisy fun, all the games are tedious, TikTok dances make me cringe and I don't feel included.

I haven't spoken to my partner yet, but I'm thinking of suggesting my kids and I leave tomorrow and have a quiet Christmas with my family then we can celebrate together on the 28th when we are all home.
DS is 17 and seems to be having a nice time so I'd ask him if he wants to stay but I know my girls want to go home.

AIBU to be considering this?

She clearly didn't know how the situation would be, did she? Do you think she had a crystal ball?!??? 🙄

You don't need a crystal ball to know that a four day Christmas "event" with 26 people all cooped up in one house is going to be loud, stressful and tiring 🙄

Add on the fact that all of those people are your in-laws and it's kind of obvious what's going to happen.

Make an excuse up. Mam's not well needs help? And go.

It's ok to leave for a more sedate and comfortable Christmas! Life is short, enjoy it whilst you can.

I think a huge amount of this is because they haven't got a bedroom to escape to. I think they need to be able to use your room during the day for some peace and the snug becomes a bedroom at a reasonable time in the evening so they can go to bed and get some rest. I think they'd feel a lot happier with a decent nights sleep. Personally I think you should all stick it out till the 27th, you should never have gone up so early!

YANBU that's a long visit and your kids are miserable

Are you at breakfast op? 😜

let us know how it’s going.

I'd leave and give no fucks about it. If this situation was reversed and the unhappy DC were the father's then the replies here would be very different. "Oh poor SDC of course they should go home, it's not fair to put them through that". But it's ok for the step-dad's family to expect OP and HER DC to just suck it up. Why should the happiness of a bunch of people not related to the OP and her girls take priority over theirs?
OP, thank the hosts for their hospitality and take your DD's to their Grans, if it causes a rift with your DP then so be it. If he can't understand why you put your DC above his family, then he's not worth having IMO

Jesus Christ, who gives a fuck where a few children from such a giant horde spend one day.

Obviously the children should be allowed to go home if they're miserable and being forced to suffer (denied sleep, etc.).

The hand wringing is just insane. Just say "the kids are really overwhelmed by so many people they don't know and by not having anywhere to sleep properly, we need to go home" - only a total psychopath would be offended by that or find it rude. If I told my mum or my MIL that they'd be completely fine with it, since they're both reasonable people who actually care about me, and not massive narcissists. It's one day, one Christmas out of zillions, who gives a crap.

It's really alarming how many mothers would force their children to physically suffer to avoid offending an in-law who doesn't give a shit about them, doesn't care enough about children to allow them their own sleeping space, doesn't even do the bare minimum of asking adult children to not hang out in a child's bedroom till 2am, but apparently will take offence at said children not being physically present.
The time to have thought about not being miserable at Christmas is at the point of deciding whether or not to accept the invite.

No, the time to think about your children being miserable is when a child is standing in front of you saying "I'm miserable." Christ, there are some posters I pray don't have children.

Female socialisation is a hell of a drug!

Sorry I think you would be U. I agree that your kids need time to chill out but I’d be trying letting them chill in your bedroom first (say they have a cold or period pain of whatever if anyone asks), or maybe even going out to a local pub/ cafe and then maybe a walk on your own. If you leave before Christmas I think everyone will know why and it sounds like your inlaws have put a lot of effort in, plus this is one year. This is obviously a significant Christmas for your partner and his family and if you leave, leaving your DH and DS there it will probably spoil it for them. Plus you can spend time with your own side family in the future- it seems unlikely that there’ll be another Christmas like this on your partner’s side.

I agree it would be fine to leave on Boxing Day though. No one will mind if you cut it short a bit.

Female socialisation is a hell of a drug!

Im perplexed by this angle. Why wouldn’t the OP be encouraged to speak up & advocate for her girls? Running away is cowardly & not a good example to set.

Also agree that the snug needs to be turned into a bedroom by 10-11pm and noise to a minimum, if people want to party they should go to the pub. If the kids have your room in the day as well then sleep shouldn’t be an issue (you could also get an eye mask/ ear plugs too).

This is my idea of a living hell.
Let your dc use your room as much as possible, stay until after lunch tomorrow and then go home. If necessary invent an emergency call —- someone is sick, pipes burst, anything. One of you put on Covid symptoms ( tiny bit of Vick underneath your eyes, cough a lot, act bunged up nose)

Swap your room with the girls. Ask PIL to designate the snug as a chill quiet room. So everyone can escape for a few minutes peace if they need it.
Explain to PIL why you are doing it.
Get out the house. Go for a hike, to Church, walk an a coffee or just for a drive.
Sorry your DDs are not happy
I am glad your DS is enjoying the trip.

This large gathering sounds like it will only happen once.

Everyone has their own idea of Christmas. None a wrong just different.

My first Christmas with MIL was tedious. Too much food and telly. She was an excellent cook.I was bored and desperate to get out and do something.

Take your girls out for a walk/some quiet time this morning, and decide with them what to do.

Ranging from:

Sticking it out until Boxing Day
Them bunking in your room tonight (possibly with some ear plugs)
Getting a hotel (with breakfast, so you can all have some sleep!)
Going home
Going to your mum's

If they want to go, discuss with your partner and son when you get back. If you leave it much later your mum/you won't be able to get the food in for an alternative Christmas plan.

If you decide to stick it out, could involve:

picking up a couple of packs of croissants and tell them you will be making your own arrangements for breakfast
agreeing a plan (or keeping a "Christmas tradition") with the girls (your son may want in on this as well) that gives them some time out - maybe going and walking round the nearest parkrun together, having a pre-Christmas dinner walk in the woods.... whatever is appropriate for your family.

I can’t be.I Eve the message women are sending to a 13 and 15 year old is that you just need to suck it up and put everyone else first. Look T the rooms they have been given, where everyone else stays. They have no freedom to make own breakfast and ate really miserable and they need to spend 2 more days and nights just to appease people they don’t see very often and clearly arent bothered by them.

don’t teach them to be a martyr they have spoken up, either leave of get some changes in place

Female socialisation is a hell of a drug!

Standing up for yourself doesn't have to mean fucking the whole thing off and going home, though. At least, not when you haven't even tried to come to some kind of compromise first.

Sounds like a nightmare but to leave before 25th would be extremely rude. I think you just have to suck it up to experience.

Changing to leave early 26th is ok though.

I agree that finding a hotel to help with the sleep over the next 2 days is a good idea and then you and your dd can choose your own bedtime and breakfast time. Is that a possibility?

Putting your children first is not "cowardly".

The amount of posters demanding this woman and her daughters simply suck it up to avoid potentially causing the ILs to take offense is sheer people pleasing, "women don't ever rock the boat, put up with any amount of crap and teach your daughters that they're supposed to put up with any amount of crap too" and that's sheer female socialisation.

It's Christmas in an insanely crowded house full of partying people, not the UN. Realistically "advocating" might have limited results, as the ILs can't exactly magic up another bedroom, and it sounds like the culture of this family partying till 2am every night is such that demanding all music is switched off and everyone sneaks up to bed at 11pm with a glass of hot milk will go down like a bucket of cold sick.

It's weird how people are saying it would be rude to leave, but apparently not rude to try to change the entire culture of a family and ask a ton of strangers to put themselves out and change how they do things.

I agree OP should try to discuss it if possible to see if there's a solution, but there might not be a solution, or the ILs might not be the kind of people who are open to that conversation. OP is the only one who knows them.

Exactly. And women and girls shouldn't be told they need to 'compromise'. Fuck that for a joke, what is that teaching girls? If girls are uncomfortable in a situation, leaving IS the compromise. Not staying for rude, selfish bad hosts. The girls came to OP and said they were miserable. OP now needs to teach them she has their back and advocate for them. If the girls want to go home, then OP needs to facilitate that, ASAP.Why should girls be told to compromise, to put up, to be miserable, to stay where they don't feel welcome? There are many posters on this thread I hope never, ever EVER become parents, because they would be abusive to children. Don't have children if you're going to put their needs last, and your wants as adults first.

26 people! Imagine the washing up - horrifying!!

Upside - if they miss breakfast no one is surely going to notice! Buy some breakfast bars/ fruit and they can have late breakfast when they want.

You need to do right by your kids, whether that’s swapping rooms or taking them away.

but if you leave you need to be prepared for the backlash from your partners family, as you will look rude, and he may even be really upset with you.

But all the sons have a room to themselves, 2 rooms 2 boys in each the two girls get the snug where the boys also go. Fuck that, how do they get any privacy and who thought it appropriate that two teenage girls who get that space

Ask PIL to designate the snug as a chill quiet room.

That would mean all the teens get kicked out of their room, though. Which would mean an entire group of partying teens get shoved into an already very crowded adult room.

OP said the parents refuse to compromise on something as tiny as what time breakfast is served. It's extremely unlikely that people unwilling to compromise on small things are going to be willing to make a massive compromise in taking the teens' room away from them, as that would cause a lot of disruption to everyone.

If the culture is that people party till 2am, demanding music off at 10pm is obviously not going to go down well.

All these airy "oh just do this" comments are really not taking reality into consideration. Anyway surely making all these demands and forcing others to make sacrifices and change the culture of the family Christmas would be a hell of a lot ruder, then simply leaving?

Inconsiderate and unthinking to put two teenage girls in a room that will be used early in the morning. They should have one of the bedrooms and the boys sleep in the snug. Get that sorted with your DP's mother, and move them, on grounds of privacy and safety, really, there are several teenage boys in the house who are drinking. This should have been sorted out before anyone got there, too. What on earth made anyone think this was a reasonable sleeping arrangement for two girls? My DH's family would never allow this. And last time we had a large family gathering the older step-grandsons acted as chaperons, making sure the girls (all youngish teenagers) were in their own bedrooms and the boys (some of whom were girls' boyfriends) were downstairs. Indeed, the eldest grandson slept down there himself, keeping an eye out. Move the girls. I am not surprised they are uncomfortable, unhappy and tired. Stupid arrangement. If you cannot swap it - this means telling the boys to move - then leave on grounds that your daughters' needs, privacy and safety are compromised.

@AppleChristsBirthdayMacchiato Im not sure what you’re reading? I said running away is cowardly. I’m not sure why you have inferred that to mean Putting your children first is not "cowardly".?

As s said the OP needs to speak up & teach her girls how to voice their needs. Running away achieves nothing.