Leaving family Christmas and taking my children home

[GinLou]

Between my partner and I we have 8 kids, we were never together when they were little so although it's a lot it doesn't always feel like it. We've been together 5 years, his wife passed and my children's dad isn't involved.
Christmas for the last 2 years was all the kids (or those who wanted to come home) at ours for a low key day centred around food and PJs, this is how it's always been. This year his parents are selling their house, it's the house he grew up in and they invited everyone over. It's a large 7 bed but a lot of the adult children have got hotels, but are here from breakfast to gone midnight. There's 26 people all in.
This Christmas is very different to ours, a lot of drinking, TikTok dancing, games, chatter you name it. It's never quiet and definitely not chill. There's also no way to avoid it, there are 3 rooms available in the day the sitting room, the snug and the conservatory. The youngest group 13-18/19 seem to all be pushed into the snug, the adult children 19-26ish in the conservatory/dining room and the adults (partners parents, siblings and the such) in the sitting room. Obviously there's lots of mixing too but this has been the default most of the 2 days so far. It's overwhelming and I'm an adult!!

Tonight 2 of my 3 children came to me (13 and 15) and expressed they aren't having fun they want to go home. DD was crying saying it's too much and she's tired, we are due to be here until the 27th.
I think the issue is they don't know these people, the in jokes, the history etc. lots of mention of partners late wife which makes me uncomfortable and DD said it makes her feel weird.

I called my own mum and told her everything and she suggested we just come home and go there, it will just be them, my sister, her son but they have enough to feed 12 my mum thinks.

I'm so tempted!! I hate all this loud noisy fun, all the games are tedious, TikTok dances make me cringe and I don't feel included.

I haven't spoken to my partner yet, but I'm thinking of suggesting my kids and I leave tomorrow and have a quiet Christmas with my family then we can celebrate together on the 28th when we are all home.
DS is 17 and seems to be having a nice time so I'd ask him if he wants to stay but I know my girls want to go home.

AIBU to be considering this?

I think it sounds like it could be great fun, if you make the effort to make it so! Like, be sociable! Take the kids out somewhere for the day, walking or visiting a local attraction, for an ice cream, the cinema, whatever! Like, stop focusing on the negatives, have some fun!

I grew up with chaotic, noisy and volatile 'family' Christmases which were designed to not upset others and fitting in with their plans rather than what we wanted to do. (Although my father refused to attend any Christmas from the time I was about 13 as he hated them so i would have to go and 'protect' my mother from her vicious sisters). It almost permanently damaged the concept of Christmas for me and I did not celebrate Christmas at all from when I left home at 19 until I met DH at 34.

So I am rethinking my previous suggestion of trying to make it work until Christmas day. If you can manage to leave then I would do so.

Fucking hell. Tiktok dancing, games, drinking music until 2 in the morning? [shudder].

Very reasonable to want to leave that chaos behind.

Christmas should be about doing things you enjoy and that sounds a nightmare.

I would take the girls and go

Yes but why can't you just say 'the girls really had problems sleeping last night; can we either swap rooms or ask for music off at 11pm please so they're not miserable on Christmas day?'.

To which the normal response would be:
'Oh god, sorry we didn't realise we were being so noisy! Of course. Is there anything else we can do to make them more comfortable?'

If that's not the response then revisit but why wouldn't you try?

The partner should have that conversation with his siblings if the OP is not comfortable enough with the family to do so.

I don't think there's any suggestion they're doing it to make a man more comfortable (and I'm usually hyperaware of that). More that it's just a different family dynamic- but the OP's partner seems to be notably absent.

Can't everyone just be a grownup and have a chat about it? If I was the partner in the dynamic I'd be super pissed off if my partner just left without trying to resolve it, unless someone had been massively abusive or something.

The schedules for breakfast etc are just the hosts trying to be organised about getting stuff on the table/closing the kitchen for lunch. When we do big Christmases that does all need to be planned. I'd say 'sort yourselves out for breakfast' but they are probably just trying to be good hosts.

And staying can eventually destroy the relationship she has with her daughters.

Can't your girls go up to your room for a bit of peace? I would echo, can't you stick it out to Boxing Day morning and go to your parents for lunch? It's one year, not to be repeated by the sound of it, such a shame that you went so early, 3 days is enough togetherness but Christmas Day is the key one! I'm off to my parents at 11am, 3 nights is enough!

@GinLou did you know the sleeping arrangements before you went?

This sounds like my idea of hell, OP, you have my sympathy.

I think a pp was right, is there any way you can stay until tomorrow and leave after Christmas dinner?

Could your kids hang out in your room when they want quiet?

This, don’t prioritise anyone other than your daughters who have been given no space at all. At the very least take them away, see what your son wants and decide what you want to do

its ok with blended families to have separate christmas

It's sounds super fun to me though! Im going to go look for guitar hero ....

I think this is a great suggestion. Your girls obviously need time away from the hubbub- that could be (a) bedroom 2 (b) out of the house to somewhere quiet (c) actually speaking up that she is exhausted and needs better than the snug.

I think the go home plan will go down like a bucket of cold sick, as it should. There are so many other better solutions, but you have to advocate for them.

@Mouse82 because they had to stay at a Christmas once they didn't enjoy that much? OK then.

Or destroy her relationships and trust with her CHILDREN. They will never forget or forgive this, that she put her and her partners/il's happiness above theirs.

Any partner that thinks it's to make their children distraught and crying is scum and not worth keeping.

Having thought about it further I think a discussion needs to be had about swapping sleeping arrangements around so that the party people who stay up until 2 am sleep in the snug.

Failing that, allowing your daughters to go to bed and get up when they want and make the sung out of bounds when they want to go to bed and until they are ready to be with other people.

There are other ways of dealing with it other than leaving. Swapping who's sleeping where for a start. Letting the girls hang out in mums room.

Only if changes can’t be made with the sleeping and noise situation. Her daughters shouldn’t be made to stick it out in an uncomfortable situation for the in-laws sake. Days of little sleep is not good for anyone.

All those thinking it's rude to leave do you think it's far ruder that all the people hanging out in the room these girls are sleeping aren't going to bed till 2pm?

of course it’s rude but the normal thing to do is to talk about & come up with a solution/compromise not run away!

Did you read the posts? It sounds like misery, the children have no sleep and are crying and miserable!

I'm flattered that you decided to single out my message. At least i'm not someone who puts a man before my child.

I’d stay until Boxing Day. You’ve been invited and yes it will look rude and upset your partner and the hosts. Your girls can use your room during the day or get them out for a walk today.

Sorry but at Christmas the children are of course going to speak about the mother they no doubt miss and whilst it’s might be weird for you and daughters it’s part of their grief / recovery to remember her at special times. I guess that’s what you sign up to when you get together with someone who has lost a partner as they still have a lot of love for their lost partner unlike when you divorce

Only if changes can’t be made with the sleeping and noise situation. Her daughters shouldn’t be made to stick it out in an uncomfortable situation for the in-laws sake. Days of little sleep is not good for anyone.

I agree.

This is pretty typical of many tricky situations I read about on mumsnet where a simple conversation could iron out any issues, but no-one seems prepared to address it.

I wouldn't blame you for leaving, I'd probably do the same but you'd need to handle it sensitively, to minimize any fall-out. But yes, get the hell out of Dodge.

Are your kids the only stepkids?
You see I am shocked no one is focusing on this. Have they shoved the only step kids in the snug?
People saying that the husband’s family will be sad about them leaving, I doubt that!
While I accept the house is going and it’s natural anyway for a bit of reminiscing at Christmas but this isn’t your kids family. Who wants to hear stories about their mum’s husband’s late wife?
My partner’s family were nice people but my eldest hated their family parties, my youngest once heard them say they were happy my eldest was away so they could get proper family photos.
Take your kids to their own family to celebrate Christmas. If you stay your kids will remember this for all the wrong reasons and blame you.
Might be wrong and I admit not reading every post but are they only step kids in family?

It's the end of an era for your DH's family if the house is being sold so it won't happen again which is why it's such a big event. It sounds like it's been a big effort to get everyone involved..

Suggest you speak to your DH about how he would feel if you all left. The hotel option for quiet rooms for people ie your girls to escape to is a good idea.

I really don't think she would destroy the relationship she has with her daughters if she stays until after Christmas lunch.

Next year she can decline the invite (if it happens again).